Raymond's Uncut Diamond: Children's Picture Book On Self Esteem and Self Confidence

Raymond's Uncut Diamond: Children's Picture Book On Self Esteem and Self Confidence

4.59 out of 5

$13.99

Go to shop

Developing your child's self-esteem and confidence

Dr. Sears reports that self-esteem is your child’s passport to a lifetime of mental health and social happiness. A children's story that explores the meaning of true value and potential is a very powerful tool for the development of any child. When you share this story, your child will be inspired to think of his or her own potential and self-worth, just like the main character.

Raymond's Uncut Diamond takes your child on a journey with a young boy named Raymond, who is given a stone by his Grandpa and sent to the market. While trying to find the right price for his Grandpa's stone, Raymond learns of its true value, as well as his own.

  • Will Raymond succeed in selling his Grandpa's shiny stone?
  • Will Raymond get the advice he wants from his Grandpa?
  • What will he learn about true value in his own life?

The lesson of the book is best expressed in this inspirational quote by Joyce Meyer: “Potential is a priceless treasure, like gold. All of us have gold hidden within, but we have to dig to get it out.”

Raymond's Uncut Diamond is a well-written, inspiring story that will help you to teach your child the meaning of the true value within. This book was created to help with your child's:

Self-esteem: Positive self-esteem helps children in their interactions with others and their ability to face life's many challenges. It reminds them that they are worthy of love and accomplishment, and this will stay with them into adulthood. As most children learn their self-worth from their parents, it is very important that parents share stories like Raymond's in order to promote positive self-esteem from a young age.

“Can-do attitude”: Children who repeat “I can't” often seek attention and acceptance through harmful behaviors. However, this book encourages your child to put in effort to become better in everything he or she does. The book reinforces the view that not being good at something is a temporary state and encourages children to accept the responsibility to strive and work to become better.

Raymond's Uncut Diamond is an entertaining read before bedtime, with the whole family, or as self-reading for older children. Additionally, it is a great resource for teachers and counselors to share with individual students or in a class.

With vibrant, delightful illustrations and easy-to-digest lessons, children will become sharp and shining like their true value!!!

  • Ottis Grimes

    Do I have to be in the picture or do you only need the picture of the paper with the landscape background? I have self-esteem issues so I can't help you if I need to be in the picture.

  • Paolo Becker

    And they are always dating Biff the douchebag ski instructor who intimates you into racing the double black diamond for rights to the children's orphanage on the hill because Biff's dad wants to kick out the kids and build a coffee shop.

  • Chaz Block

    Book-- The Myth of Self-Esteem by Albert Ellis

  • Mitchell Greenfelder

    I was never called stupid but I still have as much self-esteem as if I was a toilet plunger. Can't begin to picture the damage it would have done.

  • Cloyd Kuhic

    Theres a cracking display next to St Helena secondary college out towards eltham/greensborough/diamond creek they're raising money for i believe the childrens hospital and it may even be better than the boulavard. Just a slightly smaller scale. I really recommend heading out to have a look. Your advised to park at the high school and wander over

  • Fletcher Ritchie

    Well. While we do not diagnose here, I will suggest looking into [C-PTSD](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=c-ptsd) because that is a) pretty likely what's under all your other symptoms at the level of physiology, and b) what we would treat for to deal with all the symptomatic upshots of it. Suggested: 1) At least look into the following books to get a fix on the [etiology](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=etiology+definition): Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) (I was raised by crazymakers, and got a *lot* of clarity about how I imitated my abusers and/or [compensated]() with all manner of [defense mechanisms]() for the effects of having been [in-struct-ed](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=social%20constructionism), [programmed]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mind+programming), [conditioned](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=operant+classical+conditioning), [socialized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=socialization+psychology) and/or [normalized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=normalization+social+psychology) to the state of [learned helplessness](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=learned+helplessness) in which I lived when my defenses failed me. 2) Support Groups: [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) and/or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous) if one is using intoxicants to try to cope with emotional pain; [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. 3) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). *Accurate* information is power. 4) Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing), but had good results over the years with several of the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), [CPT]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_processing_therapy), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), as well as [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [HBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html). To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look [here]( https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/), and [here]( http://doctor.webmd.com/find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry), and [here]( https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/), and (for DBT specialists in particular) [here]( http://behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm). If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Most MD / psychiatrists, btw, are *not* therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often -- though not always -- excellent sources of referral. 5) Mindfulness Meditation: Try the [Vipassana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)-style? (For a *lot* of people with anxiety, this stuff handles anxiety chop chop. Not sure about depression. Many of the modern psychotherapies for anxiety are actually based on it now.) 6) Therapy Workbooks: I got a lot of lift-off by using inexpensive workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks). 7) Moderate exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while... *and* it can help to "massage" the brain so that it responds more quickly to psychotherapy. 8) Medications, but *only if really needed* to get one stabilized enough to do the previous seven things on this list: Find a board certified psychopharmacologist in your area by using the clinician locator on the *Psychology Today* website. Getting psych meds from a GP or primary care doc can be useless or even risky. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are just too complex now for most GPs and primary care docs.

  • Mekhi Larson

    Resubmitted to just clean up the comment section. **List of incidents involving extreme violence within the homes of white men / Asian women couples; generally involving the white man's violence against Asian women** * [Welshman murders Chinese girlfriend, 2016](http://mogaznews.com/en/World-News/131398.html) * [[2002] Fearing he will lose custody of his two hapa daughters (ages 2 and 4) to his Japanese wife in divorce, American man strangles his hapa daughters to death instead.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/582mw3/2002_fearing_he_will_lose_custody_of_his_two_hapa/) * [60 y/old Belgian man shoots 37 y/old Filipina wife in the head and then commits suicide. Had a hapa daughter.](http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/157354/news/regions/belgian-man-shoots-filipino-wife-then-self) * [[2004] British man beats his Vietnamese wife with a rounders bat, takes his 2 year old and 11 month old hapa sons and commits suicide by jumping off a cliff together.](http://www.eastbourneherald.co.uk/news/dad-threw-himself-and-sons-off-cliffs-1-1437240) * [Brian Dickson, the extremely creepy asiaphile who stalked, raped, and murdered Chinese student Qian Liu in Canada, had massive collection of obscene Asian porn, cyberstalked Asian women on social media, & chat logs from pedophile sites reveal he planned to kidnap & molest Asian girls](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4wnmha/brian_dickson_the_extremely_creepy_asiaphile_who/?ref=search_posts) * [Australian man rapes and robs Vietnamese woman in Kmart bathroom. He is married to a Vietnamese woman and has two hapa kids.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/54b8q3/australian_man_rapes_and_robs_vietnamese_woman_in/?ref=search_posts) * [American man arrested for threatening to shoot Chinese wife if she didn't perform sex act with her son. Also forced her to eat his shit and dress so revealingly in public that she was reprimanded by security guards.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4klqa7/american_man_arrested_for_threatening_to_shoot/?ref=search_posts) * [American serial killer married to a Filipino woman](http://articles.philly.com/1987-03-26/news/26218774_1_betty-heidnik-three-women-preliminary-hearing) **List of incidents involving sexual abuse within the homes of white men / Asian women couples** * [[Aug 2016] American man molests and secretly photographs 31 children and women. He was married to a Thai woman with 2 hapa kids. ](https://calcoastnews.com/2016/08/number-of-paso-robles-sex-offender-victims-escalating/) **Differences between children of White men and Asian women / and Asian men and white women.** * [I have noticed that many successful mixed race people are from the AMWF combination. Why ?](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/42kuw4/i_have_noticed_that_many_successful_mixed_race/) * [Why do you think it is AMWF couples both Moms and Dads who have shown concern and empathy for their potential offspring, while WMAF couples behave like sadistic sociopaths indifferent to the pain they inflict on their sons?] (https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3y6z5t/why_do_you_think_it_is_amwf_couples_both_moms_and/) * [**AMWF Hapa and several commenters in 2008 noted that the children of Asian men and white women turn out much better than the reverse**](https://archive.is/upPj3#selection-341.0-316.21) * [Quick comparison/example of 2 newly-uploaded recent YouTube vids. Both new and with low views. One by WMAF. One by AMWF. After watching both, anybody surprised why AMWF hapas grow up far far FAR better in general?! Haha smh. 😂](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/46vtgh/quick_comparisonexample_of_2_newlyuploaded_recent/) * [The Reason it matters that all the famous Eurasian celebrities have full white moms, and all the virgin criminal Eurasians have Asian moms. despite AMWF couples being so rare, all the Hapa celebrities have white moms.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3h64ub/the_reason_it_matters_that_all_the_famous/) * [You accuse us of having a double standard about AMWF and WMAF. But at least AMWF White moms make an effort to understand the problems their sons might go through. Why are you WMAF parents so coldhearted and cruel, that you think you can beat your own kids into submission?](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3i1tat/you_accuse_us_of_having_a_double_standard_about/) * [Yet another hapa that’s loved and treated with positivity by her parents. AMWF of course.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4axf5t/yet_another_hapa_thats_loved_and_treated_with/) * [One of Germany’s best defense players: AMWF hapa Gotoku Sakai](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4fqdxv/one_of_germanys_best_defense_players_amwf_hapa/) * [**Study comparing AFWM and AMWF marriages and their effects on children**](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3cnhgx/study_comparing_afwm_and_amwf_marriages_and_their/) * [WMAF at higher risk of perinatal complications than AMWF or WMWF](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3rzns0/wmaf_at_higher_risk_of_perinatal_complications/) * [The Y chromosome is incomplete, so a male WMAF hapa will objectively have more Asian phenotypes than the other three types of possible Asian-white mixed children. a male AMWF hapa in contrast will have the least. And yes, this is rather ironic.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3shew5/the_y_chromosome_is_incomplete_so_a_male_wmaf/) * [The difference between WMAF and AMWF summed up in one article](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/35r2gr/the_difference_between_wmaf_and_amwf_summed_up_in/) * [Pascal Lee (李天龍) AMWF hapa, Chinese father + French mother, is co-founder and chairman of the Mars Institute, a planetary scientist at the SETI Institute, and the Principal Investigator of the Haughton-Mars Project (HMP) at NASA Ames Research Center in Mountain View, California.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4bbu6t/pascal_lee_李天龍_amwf_hapa_chinese_father_french/) * [Recently got married to a Chinese man, I am American in an AMWF relationship… how to help future children grow up? Some ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/46nc7d/recently_got_married_to_a_chinese_man_i_am) * [White woman with Western-born E. Asian fiancé here; what steps can I take to ensure I take good care of my future children, where their being Hapa is concerned?](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/4ib7dc/white_woman_with_westernborn_e_asian_fiancé_here/) * [An AMWF Eurasian girl writes her college essay about how proud she is of her Chinese dad and all the obstacles he had to overcome. “I’d like to have down in writing how he and my mother fell in love, and what it was like to come over to America and marry a white woman”](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3c5zgl/an_amwf_eurasian_girl_writes_her_college_essay/?ref=search_posts) * [an AMWF Hapa girl writes a memoir about the actual persecution her family had to endure in 1980s America. Her parents are heroes to her. Meanwhile WMAF couples claim to be oppressed by Hapas saying mean (but true) things about their own parents on Reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/3h4d6a/an_amwf_hapa_girl_writes_a_memoir_about_the/?ref=search_posts) * [**The Difference between AMWF Parents and WMAF Parents.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/33sot2/the_difference_between_amwf_parents_and_wmaf/?ref=search_posts) * [The excuse people give when they can’t name a ONE famous WMAF son, is that they’re too rare. (Even though they are the most common mixing). So then how is it possible to name so many AMWF sons who are famous and dating celebrity white girls?](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/33ujl5/the_excuse_people_give_when_they_cant_name_a_one/?ref=search_posts) * [AMWW Koji Murofushi – Hammer Throw Olympic Gold Medalist and World Champion](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/46nc4f/amww_koji_murofushi_hammer_throw_olympic_gold/?ref=search_posts) * [The total opposite of a Tiger mom. A white mom on raising a AMWW son.](http://archive.is/YfKOS) * [Wikipedia’s List of Chinese Australians heavily weighted in favor of AMWW male Hapas, and WMAW girls. Once again.](https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/48124i/wikipedias_list_of_chinese_australians_heavily/?ref=search_posts) **Academic sources for citation** * [Chang, Sharon; "Raising Mixed Race, 2015, "Isolated and often insulated as well, multiracial Asian children have difficulty in developing self-esteem and a positive identity enabling them to deal well with the quotidian oppression they encounter in the larger society. As Chang eloquently puts it, being mixed race American today "does not mean race carefree by any stretch of the imagination" and certainly does not "signal the impending arrival of a post-racial paradise led by super-pref superhero hybrids."](https://books.google.com/books?id=j29TCwAAQBAJ&pg=PT10&dq=sharon+chang+racism&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjRseit5q7PAhVS8WMKHUknBpwQ6AEIJDAB#v=onepage&q=sharon%20chang%20racism&f=false) * [Study: Interracial marriages involving Asian-Americans still can leave racial barriers; "This assimilation path is not really following the old European ethnic model," Chong said. "There's something different going on. It's hard to tell what is going to happen in the future."](https://news.ku.edu/2014/07/09/study-interracial-marriages-among-asian-americans-still-can-leave-racial-barriers) * [Study comparing AFWM and AMWF marriages and their effects on children]( https://kuscholarworks.ku.edu/bitstream/handle/1808/14641/Chong_2013.pdf) * [**U. of Michigan Press: On Pages 201-202 a Eurasian woman calls on Hapas to question the basis of their very existence and how they are tied in to US imperialism in Asia. She feels that Eurasians only exist because of the Oriental exotic fetish. Hapa men also have the White Male mindset of objectifying Hapa women.**](https://www.press.umich.edu/pdf/9780472116096-ch7.pdf)

  • Eve Hudson

    draft in progress Gonna start with my regular checklist for family members, and then move into some other stuff: Fundamental issues first: 1) Have a look at the [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org) website to try to grasp some of the interpersonal dynamics in play. 2) Take a look at these article on the [KDT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=karpman+drama+triangle) to see where you and they fit on the triangle (because *everyone* in this *culture* is on that thing). 3) Have a look at the [five stages of therapeutic recovery](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-five-stages-of-recovery.html) to see where they are... and get a sense of whether or not they can move from the stages they are in to the next one. 4) Are they abusing drugs or alcohol? If so, will they go to rehab or to [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous)? Because if they are substance abusers and will not go to rehab or a 12 Step program, they are firmly at stage one of the [five stages of therapeutic recovery](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-five-stages-of-recovery.html), and the only thing you can do is walk away and protect yourself. Advanced issues second: 1) If they seem caught in the [consensus trance](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/04/the-10-steps-for-recovery-from.html), are they capable of understanding that? And are they motivated to dig out? 2) What financial resources (e.g. health insurance or savings) do they have? Are they sufficient to get them into a kick-start for their problems that may be as (relatively) inexpensive as a few visits with a psychiatrist (med prescriber) and/or a clinical psychologist (assessor and treatment suggestor) and/or a psychotherapist (who has experience with the therapies *appropriate* for her specific condition). 3) Will they go to (and stick with) [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org) to get an at least somewhat educated support system around her? 4) Will they dig into the information on the Internet, and in thousands of excellent books one can easily find online (there's junk out there, as well; one will need to learn to discern the chicken pooh from the chicken salad), to enlighten her as to her condition and what to do about it? (See all these links: the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), [CPT]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_processing_therapy), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), as well as [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [SEPt]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing, [HBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html), [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) and [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing).) 5) Will they use what they learn to dig into and *do* workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks) and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks) and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks)? If -- after all that -- you're where I think you are, the best thing you can do is get everyone on board with The Facts by reading books like these: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) Naomi Feil: [*The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communication with People with Alzheimer's*]( https://www.amazon.com/Validation-Breakthrough-Techniques-Communicating-Alzheimers/dp/1932529934) Because there's almost nothing worse than a dry, but actually untreated alcoholic defending themselves with the very common distortions of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions one sees in the rooms of AA among the self-righteously [narcissistic](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcissistic+personality+disorder).

  • Nolan Legros

    Okay; got the picture. No change to my immediate suggestions. But in the long term, he'll need most of the following to keep his psychological nose above water and ultimately free him from the effects of the C-PTSD that seems likely: 2) Support Groups: [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) and/or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous) if one is using intoxicants to try to cope with emotional pain; [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. 3) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). *Accurate* information is power. And books like these will empower him: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) 4) Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing), but had good results over the years with several of the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), and [CPT]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_processing_therapy), as well as [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [HBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html). DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT and MBSR are terrific for symptom management. EMDR, HBCT, SEPt, SP4T and NARM are first-rate for memory-reprocessing, sense-making and detachment from the conditioning, programming, etc. To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look [here](https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/), and [here]( http://doctor.webmd.com/find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry), and [here](https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/), and (for DBT specialists in particular) [here](http://behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm). If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Most MD / psychiatrists, btw, are *not* therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often -- though not always -- excellent sources of referral. 5) Mindfulness Meditation: Try the [Vipassana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)-style? (For a *lot* of people with anxiety, this stuff handles anxiety chop chop. Not sure about depression. Many of the modern psychotherapies for anxiety are actually based on it now.) 6) Therapy Workbooks: I got a lot of lift-off by using inexpensive workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks). 7) Moderate exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while... *and* it can help to "massage" the brain so that it responds more quickly to psychotherapy.

  • Alvina Ryan

    **For the lazy: ** Every year, hundreds of teens are raped, infected & impregnated even when they don’t understand what those terms mean. Thus, educating our youngsters about their body biology & the right over their own skin is very important for their health, safety & well-being. I urge all parents & adults to be bold enough to talk to their kids about sexual health in an open & understandable manner. We must teach our kids that they have complete control over their own body. We must prepare them to defend themselves in times of need, and stand up for themselves when no one’s around to help. Only when we answer their awkward questions, and listen to their concerns, will we truly earn their trust & support. Remember, they need friends much more than they need parents at the most sensitive juncture of their lives. So let’s be their companions & grow with them, all over again! Research References Mihaela Pavlicev & Gunter Wagner (July 2016) Evolutionary Origin of Female Orgasm, Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B Molecular and Developmental Evolution, DOI: 10.1002/jez.b.22690 Jerrold S. Greenberg & Francis X. Archambault (1973) Masturbation, self‐esteem and other variables , The Journal of Sex Research, 9:1, 41-51, DOI: 10.1080/00224497309550777 Laufer, M E (1982) Female masturbation in adolescence and the development of the relationship to the body, The International Journal of Psycho-Analysis63 (Jan 1, 1982): 295. Robert Darby (2003) The Masturbation Taboo & Rise of Routine Male Circumsision: A Review of Historiography , Jounal of Social History, Volume 36, Number 3, Spring ’03 Dear Sister, Congratulations on turning 15. And welcome to hell, I mean, puberty. Know that I’m here for you throughout your journey, and that I truly love you with all my heart and soul. I personally consider myself your parent as much as Mom & Dad do, and therefore, I believe it’s my duty to talk to you about certain sensitive topics which every parent should openly discuss with his/her growing kids. Surely, Mom & your teachers at school have explained all about how & why your body is going to turn into a nuclear power-plant, set to explode every single month for the rest of your life. On the basis of that assumption, I’ll skip directly to a more sensitive topic that is often ignored or held back during the discussions on sexual health. I’m here to talk to you about masturbation. Yes. Masturbation. Please don’t react like you’re hearing the word for the first time in your life. You and your friends have surely talked, gossiped & laughed about it at school. You’ve most probably been fed the wrong information in a format & language so filthy, it must make you cringe at the thought of touching yourself, even when your mind secretly itches to explore the wildness within. Now, before you freak out, I assure you that I don’t want to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable in any way. I’m not here to conduct a sex education class or whatever. I totally respect your private space, which is exactly why I’m writing this letter- to let you know that I trust you, and I’ll always be here for you whenever you need my friendship or support. I’m simply here to tell you that you’re not alone. I was in the same situation 5 years ago, with thousands of questions bubbling inside my mind. But, unfortunately, I didn’t have anyone to answer them & make me understand in the right way, so it took quite some time for me to figure stuff out on my own. And, I don’t want you to go through the same confusion, which is why I’m here to tell you…IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to want to touch yourself, and it’s okay to have weird fetishes & crazy dreams. In fact, masturbation is not only okay, but also necessary for your health & well-being. It gives you a chance to explore your body, understand your needs, and know exactly what hurts you & what turns you on. It gives you power over your body; it makes you your own happy boss. Maybe, that’s why masturbation, and specifically female masturbation, is still such a big taboo. The realization that a woman, too, has certain desires & she can fulfill them without your consent, or your dick, strikes an unsettling chord in a society that has disempowered & objectified your gender since the beginning of time. That’s the essence of the stigma of self-pleasure- it’s often, if not always, partial to us men. I mean, if boys do it, it’s just a part of the natural cycle they can’t control, but if a girl does it, it’s considered immoral, irreligious & filthy in every sense of the word. Well, if that’s the case, and if masturbation is really so ‘unethical’ that an author had to describe it as ‘the path to Satan,’ I suggest you should waltz your way to hell if that’s where your happiness leads you, and I’ll tell you why it’s totally worth the ‘punishment’ you might receive. First of all, with the exception of a few asexuals i.e. people who don’t feel sexually attracted to any gender- everyone in this world does ‘the thing,’ regardless of whether they accept it or not, because guess what? Everyone is a human being, and everyone’s body commands them to fulfil certain needs. Secondly, you don’t need anyone’s permission to do or not do it, so it’s completely upto you. It’s your personal choice & human right. It’s completely free & safe. So, unless you get addicted to it or let it intrude your work, it cannot possibly bring you any harm or pain. Thirdly, it helps you keep your relationships alive, because you can now let your partner know about your needs, and what he/she can do to satisfy them. Fourthly, it relieves stress, keeps away certain infections, and it also feels good, so like, why not? Lastly, unlike the situation 50 years ago, there’s an infinite number of books, articles, videos you can refer to for knowing how you can make the most of your ‘alone time.’ I kid you not, there’s even an app that guides you through the ‘game.’ What a time to be alive, eh? My point is that there’s a great library of resources you can access to know more about the topic; all you have to do is open up & be bold enough to ask questions whenever & wherever they arise. I say that, because contrary to the popular belief amongst adults, I personally believe there is no ‘right time & place’ to share certain facts, especially in today’s world where a little kid has access to all the information in the world, thanks to the internet. If we adults don’t share the real facts with you kids when you ask for them, you’ll gladly forward your queries to your friends and get them answered anyways. Only this time, instead of getting the proper knowledge, you’ll be thrashed with all kinds of stupid stuff that may even scar some kids for life. On that note, sister, I have a small request for when you become a parent one day- Please don’t avoid your children and their questions. Be there for your kids when they need you as a friend. Don’t just run away from your responsibility towards your kids with the nonsensical excuse, “They’ll find out when they have to.” I agree that they might find out for themselves, and they might gain all the knowledge in the world, but by the time they grow up, they will have lost their trust & faith in you. If you can’t handle their questions & confusions now, you’ll also lose the right to shout at them when they make mistakes in the future. The world has become so fast that you can’t wait for your kid to turn 18, and then sit him down on a sofa to give the long awkward talk on ‘girls/boys.’ You’ll only discover that your kid has already been stuffed with myths & misconceptions long before you can accept that his tiny brain even had room to accommodate them. So answer those questions NOW- as and when they pop up. And appreciate your child’s curiosity rather than dismissing it. Cultivate the thirst for good knowledge, rather than supressing the inquisitiveness which is simply a natural side-effect of growing up. With that promise of being a friendly guide to your younger generation, I ask you, dear Isha, to not feel ashamed or afraid to bombard all the adults in the house with your questions & queries. You have the right to know about how our bodies work, and as adults, it is our duty to give you the information you demand in the right way, regardless of the time & place of your queries. My last piece of advice as a young human being who has the same needs as you do, is that you should never feel guilty about putting your needs before everything else, because there’s nothing bad in wanting to feel happy & good about yourself, because you’re doing nothing wrong, and because even if you make mistakes, there is someone who will always trust you, respect your space, and understand what you can’t express in words. You know, I promised Mom I’ll be the friend she & Dad can never be for you. So, I’ll say this again, and I’ll keep saying it until it gets fixed in your head- You, my dear Isha, are never alone. You have my support, and you can be 100% sure that I’ll sincerely accept & appreciate all the decisions you take. So, relax, dim the lights, google up Chris Hemsworth, and let your hormones take you on the craziest ride of your life. Happy Play Time, my dear lady!😉

  • Bernardo Altenwerth

    Most narcissists are [compensatory]() as the result of having been [conditioned](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=operant+classical+conditioning), [socialized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=socialization+psychology) and [normalized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=normalization+social+psychology) to various forms of abuse that can be compensated for by acting the way one has seen their abusers act. ("Well, duh," I said, when I found that out.) There's plenty one can do about it, and it sounds like you're willing, so here goes: 1) Dig into all the icky, awful, egregious, yuck on [Sam Vaknin's website](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=sam+vaknin+malignant+self-love+narcissism+revisited). He is not a mental health professional, but pretty much everyone who *is* now agrees that his descriptions of narcissistic behaviors are among -- if not -- *the* best (and more importantly, most effectively *treatment-motivating*) there are at this time. Take your time. Self-abuse, penance and hair shirts are not required here. 2) There are some truly *excellent* books around that can take the sting of all this self-dis-cover-y by helping one understand how and why they caught the bug. They include... Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) 3) While I'm not sure that *any* "[Cluster B](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=personality+disorder+cluster+b)" personality disorder can be treated entirely with workbooks, I do know that a lot of the unprocessed emotional caca that underlies those PDs *can* be. The better psychotherapies for that these days include the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), as well as [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), [BCP/MCSP]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy) and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html). I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html), but made plenty of headway with all of the ones I listed. 4) Though face-to-face work is usually a good idea for the Cluster B's, many of those therapies can be "done" (and/or enhanced) with workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks).

  • Rahsaan Douglas

    Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) Read 'em all. Saw them and me in every one of them. I'm not responsible for my illness, my shame, my anxiety, my mania, *any* of it. I'm just responsible for my recovery. Here's what I did: 1) Support Groups: [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) and/or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous) if one is using intoxicants to try to cope with the emotional upshots; [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. 2) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). *Accurate* information is power. 3) Medications: Find a board certified psychopharmacologist in your area by using the *Psychology Today* locator on their website. Do NOT get psych meds from a GP or PC doc. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are too complex now for GPs and PC docs. 4) Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing), but had good results over the years with several of the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), as well as [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [BCP/MCSP]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html). 5) Mindfulness Meditation: Try the [Vipassana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)-style. (For a *lot* of people with anxiety, this stuff handles anxiety chop chop. Not sure about depression. Many of the modern psychotherapies for anxiety are actually based on it now.) 6) Therapy Workbooks: I got waaaaaaaaaaay up the road by using inexpensive workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks). 7) Moderate exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while... *and* it can help to "massage" the brain so that it responds more quickly to psychotherapy. And, ya know, I feel pretty damned good these days.

  • Sophie Berge

    A plan of attack *not* involving the usual suspects: 1) Support Groups: [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. 2) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). *Accurate* information is power. Specifically recommended: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) (I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.) 3) Medications *only if really needed*: Find a board certified psychopharmacologist in your area by using the *Psychology Today* locator on their website. Do NOT get psych meds from a GP or PC doc. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are too complex now for GPs and PC docs. 4) Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing), but had good results over the years with several of the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), as well as [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [BCP/MCSP]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html). 5) Mindfulness Meditation: Try the [Vipassana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)-style. (For a *lot* of people with anxiety, this stuff handles anxiety chop chop. Not sure about depression. Many of the modern psychotherapies for anxiety are actually based on it now.) 6) Therapy Workbooks: I got waaaaaaaaaaay up the road by using inexpensive workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks). 7) Moderate exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while.

  • Micheal Cole

    Can our own childhoods count? My parents somehow got exposed to the religious homeschooling groups of the midwest when I was very young, and though my father wasn't interested in the homeschooling, my mom was. Dad was very religious and had turned my mom religious, so she used that to persuade him, saying she felt like God had led her to that. So after kindergarten, they pulled me out of school and started homeschooling. My parents aren't well educated and aren't very intelligent, so they were prime bait for the cult-like nature of these homeschooling groups. They were fed endless bullshit about God's angry mandates to raise us as proper Christian soldiers. They were warned that if they failed in their parenting/homeschooling, God would punish them severely. They were taught that God demands corporal punishments. In fact, that he's pleased when you severely punish them because you're being faithful to him in doing so. They were also warned that the normal development of personalities in kids are in fact the manifestations of rebellion, which would peak in the teenage years. Rebellion doesn't really exist, these people explained. It was instead the child coming of age (read: the age that God would hold them culpable and therefore subject them to damnation), and so satan would start his strong work on taking over the child's mind and life and turning them onto a path for hell. They were brainwashed that all things are bad and evil: public schools, normal education (sexual education, evolution, etc), that so much as a single bad word was akin to eternal damnation. My parents had to constantly be on the guard for all these things that were chomping at the bit to steal away their kids for hell. So we were treated like little prisoners, though my parents truly believe they acted from love and with the best of intentions. If I did anything that wasn't instant obedience to my parents (literally, if they said bark, I had to bark), they would shower me with their disappointment and tell me about how rebellion was already rooting in my soul. For the first ten years of my life, I was at least allowed some friends and 'normal' things, like being allowed to watch certain cartoons and listen to 'oldies' music on the radio. I mean, I was still expected to be perfectly obedient and had to hear about hell/satan/evil all the time. But I was happy enough. But then they fell further down the religious/conservative/crazy rabbit hole, and their personality disorders became worse as they started pumping out more children. After the first half-dozen kids, they were exhausted, strained, and poor. My mother has borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, I'm not really sure which. She'd rather kill herself than step foot in a psychologist office. Dad was abused and ignored as a child, and has low self-esteem and uncontrollable rage as a result. My parents were angry, violent people, and the stress of having tons of kids and a single income made them 10x worse. Dad would go psychotic with rage on a regular basis, threatening to beat and kill us, hitting us with his belt, putting his fist (in the most literal sense) through the wall. Mom would scream at us all day, every day. The Internet was forbidden. The TV was forbidden. They stopped letting me leave the house. Friends were forbidden. All I had for a long time was the library, but mom analyzed and researched every book before I was allowed to rent it to make sure there wasn't anything evil. This included things as little as the word 'damn' or anything that would promote independent thought. She truly thought we didn't know we were separate humans who were allowed to think for ourselves. They tried to pack us up and move to the middle of Alaska at once point so that we could be properly sheltered from the evils of this world. That didn't work out though, thank God. Christian music and books weren't even good enough. Dad was positive they were all fake Christians trying to trick us into hell. I was eventually banned from everything -- all movies, TV, Internet, books. Mom would scream at me if I tried to do anything but clean the house or take care of the nearly dozen kids they eventually birthed. Eventually they had to 'loosen' their grips a little bit to let us learn to be adults, so they were kid and started letting me stay up to 10PM (at age 16), and to go see some movies -- but only with dad, and only if they were squeaky clean as determined by various Christian review websites. Dad installed his own firewall on the Internet and let us on it, but we couldn't access anything because of the firewall. I went insane from boredom and the misery of being screamed at and threatened every single day. Developed terrible anxiety and depression. I would dream of someone murdering my entire family and someone else adopting me and I'd finally get love and freedom. I'd have 'nightmares' about people loving me and hugging me; I say they were nightmares because the desire for those things were so overwhelming that thinking of them hurt worse than the worst physical pain. I'd rather be stabbed than remember the insanity-brewing yearning to be touched by a loving way by another human. I eventually 'rebelled' silently, mostly taking advantage of my parents' stupidity. They thought they broke me, I almost never talked. So they 'trusted' me more, and by trusted me, I mean they basically ignored me as long as I was locked in the house. I managed to smuggle in one of the old USB Internet modems, which at the time 3G was expensive and the fastest option. But I kept it hidden and was able to get on the Internet without dad monitoring the firewall. I used that to secretly make an email account. I felt so terrified making that account, like they'd find out and know. I had no friends and no people, so I'd sit and write emails to myself and send them to myself so I could see what it was like having someone message me. I would spend every free moment reading stuff on the Internet, and I taught myself skills I could use to pick up little freelance jobs and make money. The money would go to my PayPal and I'd keep it hidden. Just little things like writing articles and designing small graphics stuff with a pirated copy of Photoshop. I had to do this because they wouldn't let me get a job outside of the house. I was able to use the skills I'd taught myself and grow from a freelancer to a career'd person and use the money to get out. It was a very hard several years. My parents went nearly insane from it. They once managed to get the number for the only good friend I had at the time and dad called that friend freaking out, demanding to know what music I listen to, among other things. He'd apparently saw me wearing headphones and was positive the headphones meant I was hiding what I was listening to, and therefore it must have been death metal or something. Turns out, I just enjoy old jazz. It got so bad, I sold everything I had except my laptop and one bag of clothes and small things. I scraped together every penny, bought a ticket, and moved thousands of miles away. I had nothing and no one, no social skills, no relationships, and a lot of mental issues. It was very hard. It took several years of struggling and immense pain and anguish and exhaustion to become human. I slept on porches and at truck stops during that time. Couch surfed for about four months. Managed to buy an old beater van and lived out of that for months. I couldn't handle staying in one place. As long as I was moving, I could stay sane. But the thought of stopping and getting an apartment and living in one place would send me into panic attacks and make me instantly suicidal. It was the thought of the isolation. I can't explain how tortuous complete isolation is, especially for the first decade+ of your life. I'm very far removed from where I was, and further ahead in life than I ever guessed I could be. I didn't think I could even manage to have a home, let alone own one and a car (two cars!). I never imagined I could have a proper career or be a parent or be a lover or even a regular human, let alone have a savings account and a college degree and wake up in the morning and feel truly happy. Pain is part of the symbiosis of life, and ignorance truly is bliss. At the end of the day, though, I'd rather be wise having known misery than ignorant having never known pain. I don't talk to my parents anymore, though, and they can't figure out why.

  • Tanner Lesch

    Not Christian, but being female, abortion is an issue I have some passion about. >How does this make sense? Enlighten me, please. (If you enlighten me and I don't respond, I'll do so in the AM in case I miss you this evening—Pacific standard time). First off, I *once* agreed with your premise. However, being 10 years wiser from when I held my argument where you've brought it to has made me rethink a lot of this stuff. And no offense to you, I find your analysis not fully matured to the wider extent of the argument. However, abstinence programs are not actually ineffective. When you have abstinence taught and simultaneously having sex education that undermines abstinence in the same breath, since schools generally teach them together, or at least in grades apart, of course you'll find your results. "With millions of dollars in sex-education programs at stake, it is not surprising that the groups that have previously dominated the arena have taken action to block the growing movement to abstinence-only education. Such organizations, including the Sexuality Information and education Council of the United States (SEICUS), Planned Parenthood, and the National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League (NARAL), have been prime supporters of "safe-sex" programs for youth, which entail guidance on the use of condoms and other means of contraception while giving a condescending nod to abstinence. Clearly, the caveat that says "and if you do engage in sex, this is how you should do it" substantially weakens an admonition against early non-marital sexual activity. Not only do such programs, by their very nature, minimize the abstinence component of sex education, but many of these programs also implicitly encourage sexual activity among the youths they teach. Guidelines developed by SEICUS, for example, include teaching children aged five through eight about masturbation and teaching youths aged 9 through 12 about alternative sexual activities such as mutual masturbation, "outercourse," and oral sex. In addition, the SEICUS guidelines suggest informing youths aged 16 through 18 that sexual activity can include bathing or showering together as well as oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse, and that they can use erotic photographs, movies, or literature to enhance their sexual fantasies when alone or with a partner. Not only do such activities carry their own risks for youth, but they are also likely to increase the incidence of sexual intercourse." So yes, if you teach abstinence to middle schoolers then teach high schoolers "safe sex" and hand out condoms, teach masturbation, and make sex acts appear as "cute" rather than intimate and carrying a weighty responsibility, then of course you'll get people to renege their abstinence pledges. https://s3.amazonaws.com/thf_media/2003/pdf/Bookofcharts.pdf A few summations of the data found: Early sexual activity has multiple negative consequences for young people. Research shows that young people who become sexually active are not only vulnerable to STDs, but also likely to experience emotional and psychological injuries, subsequent marital difficulties, and involvement in other high-risk behaviors. Young people who become sexually active are vulnerable to emotional and psychological injury as well as to physical diseases. Many young girls report experiencing regret or guilt after their initial sexual experience. In the words of one psychiatrist who recalls the effects of her own sexual experimentation in her teens, "The longest-standing, deepest wound I gave myself was heartfelt; that sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself--my soul--to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I'd pay so dearly and for so long." Sexually active youth often live with anxiety about the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy or contracting a devastating STD. Those who do become infected with a disease suffer emotional as well as physical effects. Fears regarding the course the disease are coupled with a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. In a survey by the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, 80 percent of those who had herpes said that they felt "less confident" and "less desirable sexually." In addition, early sexual activity can negatively affect the ability of young people to form stable and healthy relationships in a later marriage. Sexual relationships among teenagers are fleeting and unstable, and broken intimate relationships can have serious long-term developmental effects. A series of broken intimate relationships can undermine an individual's capacity to enter into a committed, loving marital relationship. In general, individuals who engage in premarital sexual activity are 50 percent more likely to divorce later in life than those who do not. Divorce, in turn, leads to sharp reductions in adult happiness and child well-being. Essentially, if you read the data I provide in the link above, which is all CDC data, it shows that the likelihood of having an abortion decreases the later one begins sexual activity and the fewer sexual partners one has in their lifetime. So if you believe there is a net benefit in reducing poverty, single motherhood, children born out of wedlock, protecting the physical health, mental health, and risky decisions made by teenagers and young adults, you'd be for abstinence education. Now, the real meat of the argument should be around this. How do we educate our culture to respect their bodies and the sanctity of romance and intimacy? THAT is the more important thing that needs discussion. I personally feel religion is the answer, but just saying religion is not that simple. Religions; Churches, Synagogues, etc need to know how to teach their own values to their congregations and communities effectively which I feel is not currently being done in this time. --------- Now for the abortion side of your argument. >Personally I agree with Bill Clinton, who said, "Abortion should not only be safe and legal, it should be rare." I believe abortion should be legal, but I also believe that everything possible should be done to make it unnecessary. Mind you, and this is speaking as a woman. Abortion is murder. No matter how you wish to spin it, an abortion is the premeditated killing of a life. Let's rewrite yours and Mr. Clinton's words above with murder and you get: >"Murder should not only be safe and legal, it should be rare." I believe murder should be legal, but I also believe that everything possible should be done to make it unnecessary. Now, I'm only twisting your words to make a point. I don't believe you actually think murder should be legal in any instance. I think you would agree that " everything possible should be done to make it unnecessary," but not to legalize it simultaneously. Imagine if we could remove the desire to murder from people completely, would that mean we'd remove the law from the law books? >People aren't going to stop having sex That's true. People also aren't going to stop murdering. A goal of religion is to instill values into people, to give them self respect and a value of honorable pride. Treating your genitals as arbitrary pleasure buttons may feel good in the moment but are psychologically devastating you down the road. Teaching the value of love; how to give love and receive love is not taught in schools just as paying your taxes or balancing a checkbook is not taught. >And it shouldn't, because we shouldn't be legislating religious beliefs unless we opt to become a theocracy along the lines of the Taliban, who have religious police to look after such matters. Slippery slope fallacy. Just because a religious value becomes law doesn't mean a theocracy pops up overnight. Lots of western laws and derived out of the bible outside of the basics of not to steal and kill. You don't think of Austria as a theocracy while they have you pay damages when you, accidentally or purposely, destroy someones property. I can humble myself to the idea that the abortion rate will never be zero and neither will the teen pregnancy rate, premarital sex rate, etc etc. However, steps can be taken to minimize those statistics, but to do so requires a cultural shift in peoples values.

  • Albin Flatley

    I might come back for prompt one later, IDK. **Prompt 2, feat. Henry Amell** They never trained Mages to be heroes, or soldiers, or merchants, or politicians, or anything but Mages, dedicated to do nothing but tread so softly on the world as to appease the Maker's Wrath at their predecessors who breached the Golden City, and prevent their horrid curse from endangering the lives of others. Henry is twenty-two, one of the two Grey Wardens remaining in Ferelden at the dawn of a Blight, and he doesn't know how to pitch a tent, or cook a meal, or throw a punch. He knows that there are a hundred coppers in a silver and a hundred silvers in a sovereign, and that a sovereign is called a royal in Orlais an andris in Antiva, and a double griffon in the Anderfels, and that the reason why every currency has the same valuation is because the Dwarven merchant's guild demanded it, but not how much is right to spend on a mug of ale or a bowl of soup or a pair of boots. He knows twenty-seven medicinal uses for elfroot (well, he got twenty-four of them right on the exam, and it was years ago), but not how to recognize it growing out of the ground instead of pre-plucked. He knows, more or less, how to make a woman come, but not that he is allowed to love one. He knows how to cast spells, but no situation in which he should beyond proving to teachers and Templars that he knows how to do so without attracting the attention of a demon. He knows how to shoot fire from his hands, but not how to get the scent of burnt flesh out of his nose or the screams of the villager who he killed. He knows that *magic exists to serve man and never to rule over him, foul and corrupt are they who have taken his gift and turned it against his children*, and what that means in a dusty tower filled with books, but not what it means to be an Andrastian in a war when using magic to maim and kill is the only way to prevent further death and suffering. And Henry didn't know, daydreaming through sermons at the chapel, that the answer to that question would matter to him when it came down to it, that the Chant would ever mean anything to him other than a string of words and syllables to memorize to earn the favor of the Templars. And he knew, from his half-remembered childhood and books and stories and the tales of recaptured apostates that there was a world outside of Kinloch Hold that had people living in it, but not how to exist in it or that he deserved to be there. In some ways, this served him well. Without the structure and rigidity of any real combat training or experience of it at all beyond reading about rather fantastical and over-dramatic battles in books, Henry was able to better adapt to the realities of fighting in a tiny, often poorly equipped and desperate band than if he'd been trained as a soldier. Having been taught against ever using violence to resolve conflicts, and knowing stories of great heroes who managed to give great speeches and talk themselves out of problems left him better able to find alternative solutions in which many fewer people ended up dead. Needing to rely on his companions for the basics of camping and spending, while still being smart and charismatic enough to be their leader helped forge genuine bonds in which everyone learned to work well together, and provided a democratic approach in which everyone was able to get the gear that they needed. Being utterly unprepared for the situation helped him keep an open and flexible mind. In others, well, a Blight is hardly the best introduction to the real world, and needing to learn how to function as a person in outside society while at the same time saving the world in many ways cripples both objectives. For better or for worse, a lot of Henry's idealism about a world he'd previously only known through curated stories is very painfully shattered through his experiences, but in other ones it grows. Being forced into a situation in which the letter of the law of the Chant was utterly insufficient to help with the complexity of the situation pushed him to really analyse the religion he grew up with as a matter of fact, and having Leliana and her beliefs around during that process as both a friend and a lover helped him start to see the Maker as someone who loved him and wanted what was best for him instead of as a distant and hateful god, and through that realization that he actually *deserved better* than the life that the Circle had set out for him, and that he's both empowered to and responsible for not only 'saving' the world, but doing his piece and using the influence he gains as Hero of Ferelden to make it a better place for everyone. **Prompt 2, feat. Ashton Hawke** The life that Ashton Hawke's parents spent his childhood and young adulthood preparing him crashed down around him when Loghain MacTir lost the battle against the Darkspawn at Ostagar, and the Horde began its march towards Lothering. The insularity of their small-town life and partial isolation from even their fellow villagers for the sake of Malcolm and Bethany's safety left Ash ill equipped for life in a big city and unhappy and uncertain of how to behave there. Malcolm's particular irreverent sense of humor did little to prepare his elder son to function well among Kirkwall's guard and nobility, and the sweeping romance of Malcolm and Leandra's escape from the city instilled something of an open hostility towards it. The other thing that Ash learned from that story being an omnipresent backdrop of his childhood is that love, ultimately, conquers all. That it's more important than money, more important than society, more important than comfort and tradition, and that Templars and the Chantry don't know shit about what makes people happy and it's the job of love and family to prevail over the pressures of the world. Malcolm's insistence in teaching Ash from childhood that it was his job beyond anything to protect Bethany from the Circle only served to reinforce that point more strongly. Although Ashton was the only one of the Hawke children for whom these lessons combined with Malcolm's long illness and death during a still-formative period resulted in reactive atheism, he felt that very strongly. This upbringing, with the importance of love and family and view of Templars, rather than Orlesians or Darkspawn, as the ultimate boogeyman that could tear everything apart taught Ash how, why, and who to fight. It put him in a position where he was ready to risk everything to go into the Deep Roads to gather the funds to protect Bethany, capable of defeating the Arishok in single combat, and willing to take a stand against Kirkwall's Templars without a second thought. That mix of belief in love conquering all, the hatred and fear of Templars and the Chantry, and the hiding and social isolation leaving him significantly less experienced and more naive than most are large parts of what lead Ashton to make the decision that would end up in many ways defining his life- that to trust a possessed apostate more than anyone else in the world, and to love him truly unconditionally, to the point of choosing Anders' safety and ideals over his own well-being, and, despite not being inclined towards large-scale politics himself, siding with him even when that meant facing down much of rest of the world for the good of The Mages in general. He gained a lot of self esteem over the course of his journey, largely due to the friendships that he was able to form along the way, but ultimately his core beliefs were only confirmed and strengthened by his experience. Losing Bethany to the Wardens and Leandra to a murderer hurt very deeply, but only confirmed the importance of love and family. In particular, Quentin's words upon Leandra's death, that 'Love is the most powerful force in the universe' in a perverse way only confirmed that opinion rather than fighting it. Knowing Anders, and being forced to fight by his side against the world at large did so even further. Kirkwall, and especially Anders and Justice, did a little to shift Ash towards caring more about politics and The Rights of All Mages, and he certainly learned and agreed with Anders' rhetoric, but for by far the most part as a core belief Ashton never stopped caring about the 'little picture' of the good of the people in his little "family" far beyond that of 'the world'.

  • Roberto Nader

    > I appreciate your honesty and I will accept your terms. I feel bad for how my attempts to mother you were not what you wanted and how you feel hurt and unloved. This isn't *horrendous*. I mean, it's clearly pretty needle-y but you know, internet and tone and all that. She acknowledges your feelings and says that she'll accept the terms you laid out so you know, we're at a solid B grade here. Not perfect but it could be a lot worse. > I wish you love and joy in your life going forward. I hope you find that love wherever you can. Still a nice sentiment and expressed in a positive way. Good going, Nmom, you just got bumped up to a B+. >Any words I would express would only bring you more hurt. I do not wish to do this to you. I tried to love each of you the best way I knew how. I realized later in life that I was overwhelmed by all that I thought being a good mother and a good person meant. Acceptance of failure - this *is* good. Ns don't usually do this so you know, props to Nmom, she's acknowleding thatshe was a terrible parent and not appropriate as a parent. Again, solid solid B+ bordering on A- zone. > I would still like to think I could offer you my love, but I see that those attempts would be looked upon as (too little and too late). Acknowledgement of your wishes, hey, do you know, I think we might get that A- now - this is going shockingly well. > I hope you find contentment in your life dear daughter. The journey for each of us is different. There are no books or advice from anyone that completely get the job done. Some friends or books or advice may help, but the key is inside of each of us. While I *deplore* this sentiment and think it is far too mumbo-jumbo and wishy washy, I also think it doesn't fit here. We've gone from *I accept that I did wrong and I am sorry* to *the journey to understand is unique and different HERE IS YOUR JOURNEY STARTING NOW*. However, I can understand where she's coming from. Back to the B+ range for you, Nmom. > Once again I have learned from one of my children that life is a constant enigma. When someone is telling you why you fucked up, that's not an enigma. That's a fucking life lesson and you better sit down and learn it. Enigmas are 'an unsolvable mystery'. 'Here is why you fucked up and how you can resolve it' is not an unsolvable mystery. C-, verging on a D. > Forgiveness and gratitude are the two lessons that I have come to learn the most recent. You have helped me learn these things. May you learn forgiveness from those that you love. It is a powerful and humbling lesson. Knew it couldn't last. All that taking blame and 'here is what I did wrong' up there was a complete and utter farce. 'I learnt forgiveness *NOW YOU LEARN SOME*' is not part of an apology and it's crass and hurtful for her to make out like you, the victim of her abuse, need to learn the same lessons as her, the abuser. Solid F, mom. Overall grade - D-. *Almost* there, but as always with Ns, she snatched defeat from the arms of victory. > You have looked down on us for a very long time. Bad opening. Starting low, are we? F. > When I would come to [my daughter’s] volleyball games you had on your look of pure disgust. That is why I usually sat somewhere else. I did not want to shame you in front of your peers. Nmom is saying: LOOK AT ME CATERING TO YOU WHEN I ATTEND EVENTS. LOOK AT ME BEING ALL VICTIMY SO I HAD GO AND *SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE* BECAUSE OF THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE. YOUR FACE MADE ME SO MAD IT WAS THE SECOND THING I WRITE ABOUT. F. All the Fs. Let me slam my F key so hard I break it because this fails so hard at parenting so much it hurts. > You were always treated special by me. I tried so hard to make you believe in yourself. To love yourself and to reach for the stars. Nmom is saying: I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU. I TRIED TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. I TOLD YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF, DESPITE ALL OF MY ABUSE AND EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION. Never mind that this is what normal parents teach their children and it's nothing out of the ordinary, BUT YOU DID IT TOO MUCH AND NOW I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE BAILING OUT AND LEAVING ME BEHIND. This is awful. F. > I am tired of making myself sick thinking of what else I could have done for the royal princess. Get off your high throne or I don’t want to be with you again. Nmom says: IF YOU DON'T COME BACK TO ME AND APOLOGISE AND PROMISE NEVER TO LEAVE ME AGAIN, I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. Even though I was emotionally distant for much of your life and acted like you were not someone *I* wanted to spend time with, you are not allowed to decide to leave me. Only I can do that. I cannot give this enough Fs. Let's go to the British system and award the lowest grade I can - G. > When I came to your home the last few years, I felt like I was not worthy to sit at your table. Like the Queen inviting her subjects and then sneering at them while they ate and tried hard to show appreciation. Oh fuck off with the royal metaphor, seriously. Also, so much of this is 'I felt this' and 'I experienced this' but it never came out until you made the first move. So either it didn't matter, it didn't happen, or she decided to save it all up for this moment. Still a fucking G. > You have your feelings hurt. I understand that. I even wanted to throw myself under the bus and let you rail on me some more. But I have changed my mind. You do everything to perfection. So now you want to create a perfect Mom. Nmom: Let me tell you what you feel and want in life. This is how you are doing things because I have decided. I cannot understand your mindset even though you have told me so I will ascribe my own motivations and then get angry about them. We are decending down the G range so fast I feel like I should be wearing a parachute. > Well you can’t make me what I am not. And I resent that you give me and dad no credit at all for trying our best to love you and nurture your dreams. And now you want to deprive us of seeing our grandchildren. That is the ultimate spiteful thing you can do. Nmom translation: I am what I am and that's ALL I CAN BE SO YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ME although I don't have accept you, QUEEN OF THE SNEERS. I TRIED to be a good parent - I demand credit for that. Also, grandchildren. MY grandchildren. Never mind that I hurt my daughter, never mind that I made her feel unloved and unwanted and like a spare part because no penis, I DESERVE TO SPEND TIME WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN. Seriously, there are so many ways she could have offered to keep ties to her grandchildren or apologised or whatever, but no, she goes straight for SPITEFUL AND MEAN. How is this meant to make you feel like 'Oh, I made a mistake, let me get close to you again'. Impact in T-3000 feet to UnfuckingGraded zone because she's so fucking bad she fell off the grading scale. > I have sung your praises to your siblings, my friends and all of my relatives for years. I have made excuses why you didn’t come to extended family events. When you do come I know you feel left out. You don’t know the others like [your female siblings]. They have been coming for years. And even [your male sibling] knew the men from participation in father’s day weekends. My family has tried very hard over the years to stay in touch and make everyone feel loved and included. Nmom babble: I did things that a normal parent should like praising you to my relatives (only I didn't, I used you to brag about how good you are as a tool against other people). I made apologies to people even though nobody asked me to. I didn't say, "Why don't you ask them?" MY family tried so hard to be the perfect family AND YOU REJECTED US. Just.... no. No. > When I would be asked why you did not come, I would say things like they are so busy with work or visiting with [my husband’s] family. Even when [my husband’s] family was in town and you would invite us to meet at a restaurant, I would come but cringe that I was made to feel inferior to them. Nom translate: YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OF MY CRAP AND HOW I DO THINGS SO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M THE BAD PARENT I AM, SO I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEM. Classic N, you might say. Let's call that an... F. Because let's face it, she can have feels and I'm tired of writing the letter G. > So you say your feelings are hurt. Well you have done a fine job of making me feel like crap for a long time. You keep seeing your therapist or talk to anyone that makes you feel better about yourself. Nmom: LOOK AT YOU SEEING A FANCY PROFESSIONAL. I DISAPPROVE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TELLING YOU THE THINGS I WOULD TELL YOU BECAUSE YOU NOW HAVE SELF ESTEEM AND DIGNITY AND LIKE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. HOW RUDE. I wish I had a magic wand right now. Seriously, this bitch.

  • Fay Pollich

    After I got into [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) and/or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous) because I was using intoxicants to try to cope with my emotional pain; I started going to [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org) meetings. Sometime after that, I heard a mental health professional refer to the last three as "borderlines anonymous." At first, I heard it as a perjorative, but was quickly disabused as soon as I thought about that for about fifteen seconds. In whatever event, I got to know a lot of people who came from *very* similar backgrounds, including having been invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, [scapegoated](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=scapegoating+in+families), and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom we depended for survival in early life. For me, it was very "de-shaming." As was the experience of reading all of these books in ACA, CoDA and EA study groups: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) I currently use Ogden's [SP4T](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-10-steps-ogdens-sensorymotor.html) as the [interoceptive](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=interoception+meditation) 9th of the [10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=10+StEPs+of+Emotion+Processing), but got a lot of sepration and detachment from having been raised that was from [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), and [CPT]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_processing_therapy), as well as [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), [MBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness-based+cognitive+therapy), [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy), [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [MBSR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction+therapy), [EMDR](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=emdr%20therapy), [HBCT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=Hakomi+Mindfulness-Centered+Somatic+Psychotherapy), [SEPt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing), and [NARM](http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html).

  • Amely Leannon

    I’m struggling with several things at once but I was talking to an old high school friend last night (whom also has ADD), and realized that as frustrating as my impulsivity, attention deficit, hypersensitivity, and forgetfulness is the feeling that makes me crash the most is being stuck in a loop when doing any one of those things gets me into trouble. **This is very common under ADHDrs, for me I realised due the fact I fucked up 'SOME' things in life I stopped doing other things for a while, such as working on my thesis because I expected myself to fuck up. Let me tell you, you are not a fuckup you come from a succesfull line for people who had children ;-)!** When I say loop I mean stressing about why I did it, or the people annoyed at me, or whatever consequence that came from it. I ADD-out on something that doesn’t need to be stressed about for more than a few moments; instead, I hyper focus on my fuck ups, usually blowing them out of proportion, and eventually become stuck in a loop and can’t concentrate on anything but what I should or shouldn’t have done. ** You have to learn how to let go, I know it's hard but seeing you are in Asia, I'd highly recommend taking Tai-Chi / Meditation / Mindfullness classes and start doing anything you can to work on your mental situation. Have you ever heard of the book 'Feeling Good' by David M. Burns? It's a self-therapy book for depression and is mainly based in *Cognitive Behavior Therapy*. I highly recommend this resource for any person that suffers from ADHD in any way, as we are very prone to depression due to dysfunctional emotional regulation. This is a skillset that one can acquire in any point in life, and having an ADHD brain might make it a little bit more difficult but there's enough research to show it can increase the brain area's that regulate emotional regulation** **Secondly GO WORK OUT, any form of working out will higly help you upregulate different neurotransmitters** ** If possible spend time in nature, where there are less man-made sounds(you could combine it with meditation or just taking a walk** Life is short, and I don’t want to constantly be thinking about things I could’ve done differently (it’s good to learn from mistakes, but when they play like a loop in your head, its exhausting). That said, after I’ve finally digested a mistake a few weeks can go by and I forget about it… but eventually make the same mistake again, because I forget why I shouldn’t have done it in the first place… making it so I sometimes don’t learn my lesson; not unless its a hard hitting mistake that sticks in my brain as a relatively traumatic experience (traumatic might be too dramatic a word, but you cqatch my drift). I feel like I have zero control. I’m trying; I know its about chipping away at it; slowly figuring out things to avoid and knowing myself better, while keeping a healthy and balanced life, and having structure (… for all you that have ADD I’m sure you know how hard this is). **Yes, we(I) totally understand this. It's common behaviour, but you need to learn to-do one thing at the time, and accept people DO NOT understand what it is to have AD(H)D. Try to educate them, and if they don't listen don't bother too much time. There's a multitude of websites that explain how ADHD feels. I understood that ADHD is less recognized in Asia(what country?)?** Pretty sure anyone who’s read this far is already thinking about telling me to see a therapist. I agree, I should. I’ve got a prescription for Ritalin, and taking 20-25mg a day, but I just moved back to Asia (from America, and Obamacare), and therapy itself is quite unaffordable in the current city I live. Plus, I’m moving away in a few months again. I pretty much won’t be stationary until maybe March 2018. Basically, supply of Ritalin isn’t an issue, lack of therapy is. Reckon I’m doing relatively well managing myself (baby steps), but it’d go a lot quicker with therapy; someone telling me what’s ADD, what’s not, how to manage it, process it, continue forward with the least amount of mental exhaustion. Either way, its a slim possibility to get therapy for a while, and the people closest to me don’t know enough about ADD to help (plus they all have their own shit to deal with), so I’m looking for advice on how to do this. **There are several online coaches that might be helpfull, other then that I highly recommend reading resources from http://www.russellbarkley.org/ http://www.drhallowell.com/ They have plenty of video's and books on YouTube(and if you want contact me I can give them via less legal means). ** When I play my failures, like a loop, in my head I become overly anxious and eventually drive myself into depression and my self esteem and confidence take a massive dive. I’m not bipolar, but some days it feels like it. I know I have a good life and the problems I face are minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I have an interesting life, cool things to do, I’m attractive, profession I enjoy, people that love me, awesome things to look forward to, and I know all this when I’m stressing, but I still can’t pull myself away from the thought and it’s driving me nuts. So again, besides impulsivity, attention deficit, hypersensitivity, and forgetfulness, its the lack of emotional control that paralyzes me. I can’t work out my emotions on my own. Up until I was 22, I had my sister do it for me, but she’s now got her own life, and I can’t always rely on her because she’s too far away and has her own problems to deal with; its difficult for anyone to be responsible for the emotional well being of another person as well as your own, its a lot. I need to be able to do this myself, but I’m so stuck on how. I don’t know how to control this, how to work through it, and it puts me in a constant state of nervousness thats compiled itself over 26 years developing into a subconscious hum of depression. **See post above a combination of resources I gave will highly help you, other then that there are certain diets that MIGHT help, also try to make sure you sleep enough and have good sleep hygiene(Be fucking selfish about this, normal people get slight ADD on sleep deprivation. We get ADD EXTREME and if I am really deprived I can't do any mental task and get irritated easily! I can imagine for a woman this might be different(sorry if it sounds sexist) but I guess you have more subtile emotions on top of that aswell Again Meditation / and possibly adaptogens to curb stress responses. One of the best researched ones is BACOPA Monierri ** Other adjunct therapies you can do. **Emotions** 1. Write it off 2. Use Sedona Method 3. Don't beat yourself up for a chronic condition, you have something similar to Diabetes and you need to manage it for life. a **Diet** 1. Get plenty of Omega-3 (check for EPA/DHA ratio, and make sure you get about 2-3 grams per day or eat fatty fish** 2. Make sure you eat a protein rich diet, this helps your body with having enough nutrients to make necesary neurotransmitters. But make sure you keep you total kcal expendure in check 3. See if you eat enough veggies/fruit, if not try to supplement. 4. For the sleep suggestion above Melatonin is amazing ** Planning** 1. Try to use visual planners and make a week plan on Sunday, review each day before going to bed. And give yourself a high fucking five each time you finnish something. (I mean seriously, we have to-do this). 2. MAKE YOUR BED EACH MORNING, it's an oldskool army technique. Making your bed = first win of the fucking day. You already accomplished something! See, I am proud of you! 3. Take time to wind down, don't let the rat race get to you. If you need anything else feel free to contact me, in no meanss am I perfect in managing but I am improving day to day. And if I fuck up I fuck up, well too bad. I fucked up so what, the world doesn't end. If people don't take the time to understand your problems, then they are shortsighted. But don't use it as an excuse either.

  • Casimir Effertz

    Below, you posted a few links to articles in defence of your claim that boys are less driven to be academically successful than girls because they are faced with an education system (which education system? You used articles referring to systems in the US and UK) that favours girls. I would disagree with your suggestion that >academics are just now paying more attention to the fact that boys are less inclined to be openly academically driven, as there has been fierce debate on the subject for decades, even centuries. On to your articles: We should remember that OP’s question is *why* boys are less academically driven to succeed, not whether or not they do worse academically in some subjects. It is a very complicated issue, and therefore difficult to ‘explain like I’m five’, so I understand why one might post links without explanation. I am very hesitant to be critical of the ways in which boys learn, which may stifle a drive to be academically successful, as it is no fault of their own; it is a societal issue. What becomes clear from reading is that yes, in the early 90s there was a push, at least in American legislature, to improve the wellbeing of girls in schools. In no way does this mean that >There is in fact a gender gap in education which favors girls. This is not a zero-sum situation, and in any case, ‘learning styles’, a contested concept in and of itself, which may favour a particular gender are not exactly well-evidenced, so there is little chance of girls performing better due to a ‘feminized’ teaching style, and ‘masculinized’ teaching styles do not fare any better (Coffield, F, Moseley, D., Hall, E. and Ecclestone, K. (2004) Should we be using learning styles? What research has to say to practice, London: Learning and Skills Research Centre; Pickering, J., (1997) Raising Boys’ Achievement. Stafford, Network Educational Press.). The Atlantic, which is largely concerned with attacking the idea that girls suffer from poor self-esteem (from May 2000, written by Hoff Sommers) begins with: “The triumphant victory of the U.S. women's soccer team at the World Cup last summer has come to symbolize the spirit of American girls”, and otherwise complains that boys are being painted as “unfairly privileged”, due to studies such on the “‘call-out’ gap”. And that Columbine “might be said to symbolise the spirit of American boys”, which is quite extreme, and almost suggests that male violence (which, yes, men are largely the victims of) are due to women’s successes. 
Hoff Sommers dismisses one study that found, in its sample, boys in elementary and middle school had their called-out answers responded to at a rate eight times more than those of girls. She later admits that another study found “that boys called out only twice as often as girls”. Personally, I still find that troublesome, even if Hoff Sommers rejects that advantage of attention, stating that only students’ attentiveness could confer advantage. The article does not delve into why boys are less attentive, but we have one reason why boys are less academically successful: they are less attentive, also “Girls read more books”. 
Indeed, a study by the University of Dundee referenced in [a Guardian article published today](https://www.theguardian.com/education/2016/oct/22/the-truth-about-boys-and-books-they-read-less-and-skip-pages) of a tenth of UK children, based on quizzes of books’ content found that boys between 5 and 18 (to quote the article), regardless of socioeconomic status, or whether or not the book was fiction or non-fiction, “‘males were significantly worse on the outcome measures, didn’t gain as much in performance on reading tests and their average percentage correct in the tests was low,’ Topping said of the first study, which he said suggested boys of all ages tended to miss sections out of pages or skipped some completely when reading, a trait less pronounced in girls.”. So, another question: *why do girls read more books, and when they do, why more attentively?* Sommers also continues to attack three studies on girls’s academic disadvantage with three other studies unveiled at the Public Education Network 1997 annual conference, one (Metlife) using 1,306 students and 1,035 were asked ‘various questions about gender equity’ found that “girls appear to have an advantage over boys in terms of their future plans, teachers' expectations, everyday experiences at school and interactions in the classroom”. This does not explain why boys are less academically driven to succeed; it states that girls are driven to academically succeed. I would like to note that so far no one in this thread is yet to question why this may be. Interestingly, although 31% boys surveyed perceived that teachers did not listen to what they had to say, the perception of the surveyed teachers is not included by Sommers. The Search Institute study conducted by Nancy Leffert of 99,000 children found that girls scored themselves higher in terms of ‘supportive family and adult role models … [and] motivation to achieve, a sense of purpose in life, and interpersonal confidence’. What Sommers doesn’t attempt to answer is why this may be.
 [The Huffington Post article from 2009 consists largely of anecdotal evidence](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kari-henley/no-child-left-behind-all_b_214937.html) [The Washington Post article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/11/23/why-girls-do-so-much-better-than-boys-in-school/) on research led by MIT professor David Autor delving into whether American boys’s academic failures and behavioural problems were due to disciplinarian schools or school quality, crime and gangs, poverty, single-mother households states that the researchers found that differences are most evident among the most disadvantaged children, and although the article tries to claim that ‘socioeconomic status does not entirely explain the gender gap”, the researchers did not have direct data on family income, and later admit that “gender differences are minimal in households with resources”. 
White boys were 5.5 percentage points less likely to be ‘Kindergarten ready’ (“less likely to identify letters of the alphabet, less likely to be able to communicate their needs”) than white girls, and black boys were 8.4 percentage points behind black girls. So there are differences in BME academic achievements in US and UK children.
The statements that “about half of these racial differences are explained by the fact that boys are more sensitive to family disadvantage than girls”, and “When boys don’t get enough parental attention, they misbehave. Girls, in contrast, are less likely to misbehave regardless of how much time parents spend with them” are interesting. Why are boys not equipped with or encouraged to learn how to self-soothe at the same pace as girls? In the Washington post article, in terms of family background, the gender gap is half that among children born to college graduates, and in children with married parents, boys outscore girls. [The short Daily Mail article from 2007 also notes on the class/race issue: ‘“White learners from highly disadvantaged backgrounds were reportedly often overlooked," the Manchester University report said’](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-463614/White-boys-left-education-system.html).

  • Buster Koch

    So very well stated. Describes my mother to a tee as well. I suspect this is a lot more common than parents consciously manipulating all the time. And after so many years of the behavior it's really not surprising that's the only way they know how to be. I want to add my thoughts for OP as well because I'm in a situation where it's very difficult for me to leave (due to very severe health issues and the catch-22 of my mother being very little help and a lot more harmful than helpful yet I'm not in a healthy enough position to manage completely on my own). The longer you stay the more you get bullied into this maladaptive cycle. My mom has me so good that sometimes I'll even start the arguments somehow or it starts to feel that way after day after exhausting day of that behavior. She takes everything so hyper personal too so if I'm a bit short with her because I just do not feel well or just don't want to go down the path she's pulling me on well there it al goes. And doesn't matter anymore who starts what. I can be as kind as can be and trying hard to maintain it and not fight. She can't cope with that (doesn't take much effort to guess OPs mom would be just like this too) so she will find a way to get an argument going, find a way to sabotage everything. My mother is sabotaging my ability to get out of my situation even by almost encouraging medical neglect and sooner or later you can't avoid reality anymore (as much as your mother somehow still can). Being sick more than most adults I could really use a mom. I envy what other people have and well, can't blame me (and don't blame anyone else who is stuck wishing they had the parent they deserve). But reality is, just as you said, they're never going to change and you can't change them. There's no magic perfect behavior or whatever for you to do to bring out that dream mother you've always craved. It gets so exhausting to even try. I never wanted to end up back at home and it's a long story how it happened but I moved back home briefly years before and before I got sick and I found myself day after day in the same pattern I grew up on just constantly trying so hard to be my moms friend, to build some sort of relationship, to tear through all the walls she put up. Occasionally I'd even feel like I was making progress but come the next day or even hours later my mom would be right back to the same stuff and it was like nothing had ever happened. Best to get out as soon as you can and don't fall into that trap of guilt and prolonging it all. I actually left in a particularly ugly blow up that time with no plans, ended up stuck at hotels for weeks. If you can plan your exit and stay strong to do it, it's a whole lot better, believe me. I also think it's normal to feel guilty when you're still in the early stages of learning about BPD or narcissism (don't know if your mom is diagnosed or not. Mine isn't though it's been suggested. She'll never seek help though). You're at the point (and unsurprising to me it happened after you'd been away then returned. That was my own lightbulb moment. All that stuff becomes so much more clear then and you aren't normalizing it the way you did growing up because you didn't know any different). So you're at the point you know things are not right but you don't have a ton of insight as to how. You're still not fully sure even how to put into words all that is wrong, just that it is and you're seeing what a profoundly negative effect your mom is having on your life. It's normal to feel guilty. Your mom wants to you and more than that we live in a world that tells you blood is thicker than water, to be a mom is the greatest thing ever, all of that. Many people won't understand why you'd need to go NC with your mom or understand why your mom is so bad. Don't be surprised if people in your life say some nasty thing to you and about you because of this too. I know I've heard it. All that "But she's your mom..." stuff. I think for me becoming physically sick was an especially eye opening experience. Since my teens I had been trying to find words to explain why my home life was so chaotic when outwardly it looked pretty good (after all my parents are still married, were solidly middle class even leaning towards upper middle, I wasn't without "stuff" thought was utterly without emotional support or guidance or security) but when I developed serious health issues as a young adult finally other people could see the problems. I've spent weeks and even months in the hospital and never had a family visitor. I've had doctor's and nurses even try to call my mom and beg her down. At best she'd send my elderly father who can hardly take care of himself. At worst she'd blatantly ask "Why would I want to see you?" And of course it's become a big narcissistic histrionic tale of what a long drive it is, how far away I was (maybe an hour and a half), how hard it was for her to do that and how terribly, terribly busy she is (she's a retiree for flip sake). Really ugly hurtful stuff and my gosh when you're sick, it doesn't matter how old you are or how screwed up your mom is, I think it's so normal to want your mom. But that was the first time in my life that finally other people could see wow, that's really not right. In some ways that was empowering but also utterly heartbreaking. It still is. But my mom can pull guilt trips a mile wide to make ME feel like I'm the bad one for being hurt she utterly neglected me and put everything before her deathly ill daughter. So yeah, I think those guilt trips are a big part of the disease, of the BPD. I also person believe that so many children of BPD parents are very giving, deep feeling, genuinely kind and good people. After all, we all kind of grew up in many ways parenting our parents. We were groomed to be their emotional support when it should've been the other way around. I had a very huge epiphany not too long ago when I realized finally how much my mom leans on me for everything that wow, you know what? As a child, even the adult child, it's important to remember (even though you were never taught) that your relationship with your parent is inherently unequal. It's supposed to be. You're supposed to be able to lean on your parent but it is NOT your job to be the one your parent is always leaning on. It is NOT your job to solve your moms problems. You are NOT responsible for your mothers low self esteem. Once you can really embrace this reality it takes s lot of that guilt away. It simply isn't your job to be all these things for your mother. Your mother, my mother, they clearly don't know how to form appropriate relationships. Chances are their own mother before them had inappropriate boundaries too. These things seem to cycle through families and I know I can see similar patterns with my grandmother and my mom. That is also part of why it's so important to get out and to break the cycle. You've taken a great first step finding this group and websites. I'd encourage you to keep reading and reaching out to people who understand. There's also some great books out there (I was able to find quite a few at my local library or at Barnes and Noble). It also is potentially worthwhile to consider therapy, not because you're the problem in any way but to help you cope and come to terms with your mom. Because this is a very painful journey. I can't speak for anyone else but I know I'll always still love my mom as much as I sometimes wish I didn't. I can't help it. I think we're hard wired to love our parents even when they're terrible to us. And it also is painful to unpack a lifetime of pain and maladaptive behaviors and to really see the effect it has had on you. So getting as much support as you can as you go through all of this is a huge help. Anyway, this is long and oops, I should've just written it as a reply to the OP but I felt like yun-harla put things into words so well. I know I'm still in a point, because I can't easily leave, where I haven't been able to fully come to terms with everything and I'm not going to be able to until I leave so I still struggle to find the right words to explain it all.

  • Columbus Kunde

    It *sounds* like he is at at least stage three of the [five stages of therapeutic recovery](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-five-stages-of-recovery.html). If that is the case, there's plenty the two of you can do to move into stage four while waiting for treatment. Here's a rundown: 1) Support Groups: [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. 2) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). *Accurate* information is power. Here's a list of books I have read, used in groups, and found helpful: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) 3) Mindfulness Meditation: Try the [Vipassana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81)-style. (For a *lot* of people with anxiety, this stuff handles anxiety chop chop. Not sure about depression. Many of the modern psychotherapies for anxiety are actually based on it now.) 4) Therapy Workbooks: I got waaaaaaaaaaay up the road by using inexpensive workbooks like [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=stanley+block+mind+body+bridging+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=CBT+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=ACT+therapy+workbooks), and [these](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=DBT+therapy+workbooks). BTW, [MBBT](https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system), [DBT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=dialectical+behavior+therapy), and [ACT](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=acceptance+%26+commitment+therapy) are more advanced (but still research-supported) therapies than the [CBTs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy) including [REBT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy), collegiate [critical thinking](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking), and [schema therapy]( https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=schema+therapy), but the CBTs *can* be very useful, especially with respect to the thinking styles that trigger anger. 5) Moderate exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while.

  • Loy Zboncak

    I was regularly battered into submission by parents who I think had been battered into submission by *their* parents, as well as societal factors beyond their control. They were angry. They only had one child to take it out on. I got pretty scrambled *and* raised without understanding and functional survival skills. Ultimately, I had to get some, and this was how: 1) Medications, but *only if really needed* to get one stabilized enough to do the next seven things on this list: After wasting a lot of time with people who didn't know what they were doing, I found a board certified psychopharmacologist in my area by using the clinician locator on the *Psychology Today* website. I learned the hard way that getting psych meds from a GP or primary care doc can be useless or even risky. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are just too complex now for most GPs and primary care docs. 2) Support Groups: I got into [AA](http://www.aa.org/), [MA](https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/) and/or [NA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=narcotics+anonymous) because I was using intoxicants to try to cope with my emotional pain; and [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics), [EA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=emotions+anonymous) and [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org)... where I found others in similar boats who had found explanations, answers and solutions. 3) Books and academic, *professional* websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). Strongly recommended: Alexander Chapman & Kimberly Gratz's [*The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD*](https://www.newharbinger.com/borderline-personality-disorder-survival-guide), and because they all understand the upshots of having been [stressed](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=fight%20flight%20freeze) for too long, including underlying [complex PTSD](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=complex+post-traumatic+stress+disorder) which is what I (and most people with BPD) have: Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Patricia Ogden, Ronald Kurtz, Laurence Heller, Bruce McEwen, Sonya Lupien and Robert Sapolsky. Additional reading: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) [*Accurate* information](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2017/01/treat-autonomic-and-cognitive.html) is power. *page one of two*

  • Alec Kihn

    **Elvis & Nixon (2016)** - Elvis & Nixon may not be the most challenging piece of cinema ever released, but it is a very one. With two terrific lead actors in Michael Shannon and Kevin Spacey, Elvis & Nixon is based on a single image of Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon in the White House. The rest rises out of an imagined reason for the meeting. In doing so, the film manages to delve into both Elvis and Nixon as people, serving as an interesting look at both of them, even if the story itself is not really true. However, what it lacks in truth, it makes up for with comedy. A smart and witty film, Elvis & Nixon is incredibly well-written as a comedy with lots of little references to real events and outright jokes. The end result of all of this is truly enjoyable hour and a half. **(7/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/elvis-nixon/) **Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (2016)** - Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children is an absolutely wild film with a suitably outrageous ending. Fitting Tim Burton's narrative and visual style perfectly, this film tells a story of a world in which people with "peculiarities" exist. However, this world is under attack from "bad peculiars" who seek immortality. A pretty typical set-up masked by an unusual setting and unusual characters, the film still proves to be a unique treat. If nothing else, it is the most realistic portrayal of Florida ever put to film. **(7/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/miss-peregrines-home-for-peculiar-children/) **Swiss Army Man (2016)** - Sorry, but I hated this one. Directed by Daniel Scheinert and Daniel Kwan, Swiss Army Man tells the story of a man, Hank (Paul Dano), who is lost on an island and set to kill himself. However, right before doing the deed, he sees the dead body of Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). Through talking to Manny, Hank explores his loneliness and depression, as well as his own self-esteem and self-image. When talking about this and how it is okay to be unique, Swiss Army Man ultimately winds up just being creepy and weird. It had a chance to be profound about a broken man being saved, but instead opts to just shock audiences with a farting corpse. **(3/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/swiss-army-man/) **Into the Forest (2016)** - Patricia Rozema's Into the Forest is just fine as a film, but really does nothing for me. It just felt cold and unwelcoming as a film and one that seemed to try and instill some sort of allegory, but wound up just being a relatively straight forward post-apocalyptic film with a statement about our dependence on technology. Of course, the funny part is that while Rozema tries to critique our use of technology, she has the characters resort to books to survive. That is fine, but certainly seems to defeat the point of naturalism since it is not their own ingenuity. **(5/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/into-the-forest/) **The Sea of Trees (2016)** - I have seen far worse films than The Sea of Trees. Honestly, its harsh reaction at Cannes in 2015 feels as though it was quite unfair. Make no mistake, the film is not great. However, there are great elements within its mess of a story and the film is hardly worth laughing at. That said, the Cannes audience can be quite harsh and the film's sentimentality is certainly for everyone. While predictable, The Sea of Trees can be a moving tearjerker at times, but only when it really wants to be. Otherwise, it is a film that can seriously drag at times with incredible tonal shifts. **(4/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/the-sea-of-trees/) **Arrival (2016)** - It is official. Denis Villeneuve is my favorite working director. This could change, but my Lord is Arrival brilliant. Incendies, Prisoners, Enemy, Sicario, and now Arrival are all some of the best films of this decade - no, century - and each has an indelible respect for the audience. It trusts that we will follow along as Villeneuve spins a web that, though it may not make sense initially, will craft a gorgeous vignette of some element of existence. Arrival is most certainly a part of this collection now and is one of the best science fiction films in a while with stunning visuals, chill-inducing brilliance, and incredible performances. **(9/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/arrival-2016/) **Green Room (2016)** - The third feature film from Jeremy Saulnier, Green Room cements his status as one of the bright young talents in cinema. His second feature, and most notable until now, Blue Ruin was a tremendously brutal and suspenseful thriller. Green Room is pretty much the same deal, just shrouded in green and far more of a contained thriller than his previous effort. Starring Anton Yelchin, Imogen Potts, and Patrick Stewart, Green Room is a thriller about a punk band that witnesses a brutal murder while after performing for a group of neo-nazis. Now, they must escape while every neo-nazi in sight tries to keep them trapped. **(8/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/green-room/) **Moonlight (2016)** - A beautifully moving film, Moonlight certainly bears resemblances to Boyhood, one of the best films of 2014. Both show a main character grow up and undergo otherwise mundane experiences, but those experiences are things that leave an indelible mark on him for the rest of his life. Moonlight, however, is different in scope. It is a journey of self-discovery undertaken by a man who is decidedly "other". He is black and living in the inner city with a drug addict mother and a drug dealing man who looks after him a bit. He is - as he will discover - gay. This is tough as a whole, but especially in the hypermasculine environment in which he lives. For Chiron, life is a minefield and one he must navigate or simply be consumed by it, all while figuring out who he is and what he wants. **(8/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/moonlight-2016/) **Our Kind of Traitor (2016)** - Directed by Susanna White, Our Kind of Traitor received a largely mixed reception upon its release this past Summer, which is really too bad. Another adaptation of a John Le Carre novel, Our Kind of Traitor is the least of his recent adaptations (The Constant Gardener; Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; A Most Wanted Man), but still a high quality spy thriller. Starring Ewan McGregor as Perry, a professor who is unexpectedly approached with vital information on the Russian Mafia by gangster Dima (Stellan Skarsgard), the film is a slow building film, but one with a stellar pay-off. **(8/10)** [READ FULL](http://letterboxd.com/kjones77/film/our-kind-of-traitor/)

  • Alexandre Shanahan

    Sorry another long tangent. I think when things are harder and a challenge we are able to appreciate and enjoy the goal once reached. You know that whole juice is worth the squeeze thing. And often the most rewarding and greatest feelings can be so difficult to attain... for example losing fat, running a marathon, graduating with your masters... I did write everything from my point of view. I am aware and saddened to know the reality is you are right in the part About the positives are conditional on those terms. However the "negatives" are also conditional based on how you see them. I mean pain is temporary so is pregnancy weight as is not being able to take showers the way you want. It's not that bad. I mean I'm not fat anymore I can cross my legs now and I cAn take showers wayyyyy more often now. So they aren't THAT negative to me personally. They are just part of the journey. What I wrote is my personal experience. This journey is mine. And every time my little girl does something new, says a new word, figure it how to use chopsticks, laugh contagiously with a little friend it just makes me so happy for her and proud of her and I don't actually know the words to describe it. My parenting style is very very different from that which I was raised. I also live in a different time and I'm of a different culture. My post was I guess biased towards people who 150% step up to the plate. To me children are innocent and perfect no matter any "flaws" or "defects" for the most part. Children can be molded but I prefer to guide them. We each were a child at the start. And we all could have would have should have and did. You have this innocent adorable creature. And you as the parent have the ability to create a work of art. A person who one day can either be so proud of themselves or hate themselves. They could be a neurologist or homeless. There are lots of shitty people in the world, people with self esteem issues, people who are so introverted and wish they weren't, people who are violent or murders. I personally believe in my experience babies already have personalities when they are born. You can hemp them stumbled upon Hingis they are good at and bad. And help them nurture their talents and happiness. Give the world another good human. Have a child who had a happier childhood than you did. We have this one life. Make the most of it spread joy. Produce only things you are proud of. I get everyone is different. It... disgusts me to think there are people who regret their children. If they grow up to be major assholes... guess what? I think that is the complete fault of the parent. I know there are outside influences and even chemical imbalances. But besides a force you can't personally do anything about, you created your child you help them carve out their lives and fine tune their personality. If you regret your child. And there were no outside forces to really make you regret them, I feel you might just be a plain old selfish, shitty shithead. They didn't ask to be born. I see abused kids, homeless kids(on the news I don't actually know any right now) I see kids with developed issues. You brought them in the world. Unless it was a rape or something it was your choice. I don't personally agree with abortions personally for the most part but they are available. There is adoption. And I know I keep saying you I don't mean you personally just you as in an adult human. Like how can someone regret raising a child... did they honesty walk into it thinking it was super easy and clean and free?? I don't get it. Drinking too much that's regret, having a bad acid trip that is a regret, driving too fast could be a regret. Those are all selfish choices. Having a kid is a life time commentment After my girl turns 18 I don't want that to be goodbye. I want her to be able to call me regularly and tell me about her life. I want to see her children or fur children I want to see who she continues to grow into. Kids aren't simple. Which is why my responses to these aren't simple. We were all kids. We knew what we lacked and what we were lucky for. If we learned anything about being a decent person we could find things to be grateful for even with a shitty life. I was a latch key kid since 3rd grade. I was regularly ate microwaved food. My family didn't have a car when I was young. My dad is a compulsive gambler, my mom doesn't try anything new and has always been kind of overweight, my parents didn't teach me how to cook, how to clean up after myself, how to dress how to do my hair or makeup, how to study, how to do homework, how to be responsible I was never really disciplined, my household was unstable, my dad bought me things, he made me uncomfortable, he was protective about certain things, he doesn't know anything about me and couldn't tell me anything about himself. He told me he thinks he's stupid, both my sisters have no idea how to eat healthy ones obese, my dad told one of them if he could choose to go back he would never have had kids, they didn't save any money. They never read me books. But I'm still grateful for having houses to live in, living in good neighborhoods, I know they would help me in a heartbeat if I needed. And I know I could have always had it worse. And they adore my daughter. Absolutely love her. Well I know my mom does. My dad is pretty happy any times he's around her so I think he loves her. With all those mishaps in my childhood I've been able to gather what would be helpful for a growing child. My daughter was an accident. I was with her dad for 6 years before she came along. We never had any other idea but to raise her and the best we could bc she does bring us so much joy. We have sacrificed but i don't look at it that way. To me we did what we did bc it was natural. We even split up at least once (lived apart for a year he took me to court to force me to take child support and to instill his rights) we split up bc we did not want her raised in a hostile environment. She didn't deserve that and we didn't want that to influence her. It was hard and expensive but we are so glad we did it. For her sake. I apologize for my random long thoughts. I just do not understand how someone wouldn't want to do al they can with as much or as little as they have to ensure their kid is well off. If you regret your kid you had them for the wrong reason. A kid isn't really supposed to do anything for you. Not fix a relationship not provide you welfare. I would also like to say that I worked with hundreds of newborns and I've work with newborns with drug addicted parents. It blows my mind a mother would choose to get high when she is pregnant. I don't understand it. But I am also not an addict so I don't know what that's like. But I want to smack those parents. The moms especially. If you have a fu led up life that sucks. Don't do that same to your child. Sorry it seems this is a sore subject for me lol

  • Brennon VonRueden

    Before to begin, I want to tell you something very very important : **nothing you did caused her infidelity, nothing** Because nothing can justify infidelity. Even if you been abusive, it wouldn't justify it. What she told you ? That's the kind of BS a cheater mind produce for avoid to see themself as the bad guy. Once a guy, after twenty years of happy marriage ( dixit his cheating wife ) been cheated on because he was not helping to organize his daugther's marriage, but the other man was. Him, he was just working hard for pay the marriage... First, I must admit it is the first time I hope a post is a troll, but I feel like it isn't. >I stayed with her for the sake of our children, but I haven't been able to get it off of my mind since. The first part is wrong, you didn't stayed for the sake of the kids, but for their well being. Usually, when people use the expression "for the sake of the kids", it means keep their family together, not taking the risk to let their mother abuse them mentally for hurt you. The second part is normal. >But I'd do anything for my kids Do you really mean this ? Because the only thing you can do, for their sake, is to get a divorce. But for now, you don't seem able to, you are too broken. You must inform your boss of your family issue, even the threat, and what she did to your kids, it will give you two things : he will be more understanding about your loss of ability, and he will be able to cover you for meeting legal support during day. You remember me the man who been farted on. The man who been farted on, posted in the other subreddit. He married his wife, which was elegant, and had a nice sex life. They had a first kid, she still elegant, had sex, then the second kid was born, she stopped to be elegant, dressing like if it was lazy sunday everyday, sex stopped too. Few times later, he decided to work on himself, reading books, working at gym hard, improving his look. But nothing changed. One year later, as he was in bed reading, she came to talk to him, and as she turned back for leave, she farted on him. He had enough, posted on reddit, been adviced to speak with her, and did it. I hope he had a seat when he did : She always planned this, find a good man, who would make a good father, and get two kid, and be a mom. If he wished, he could get a side chick, but only if he was discreet. But if he planned to divorce her, she would use daddy money for ruin him, and make sure he would never see his kids again. Well, he thought some times to think, made a plan, scheduled it, and counterattacked. First he made her leave the main bedroom, without asking her, then he treated her like a roomie at best. Telling her he accepted her deal, but to don't expect intimancy or love from him. In the last update we had from the man who been farted on, he was still married, in marriage counselling, his wife confessed to her father her plans, and they was rebuilding their marriage. in a previous update, something happened, which really marked me. He was leaving early for a work trip of few day, and as he walked to his bathroom, he stood on his wife, she was sleeping on the ground. She wanted to be sure to see him, because she was unable to pursue on this way, she realized how important he was for her. I don't wish you this kind of happy end, but what I want to tell you, is he stood for himself, and even if he only had a shitty pair in hand, and a poor stash, all he had was himself, and he won his game. ----- Now how to move on : First fix yourself, mentally, and physically. I advice you to leave the main bedroom, and sleep in another room since now. Before to go sleep, take a cold shower, one which make you shake. It will slow down your body, and helps you to fall asleep deeply ( when you sleep, your body slow down, and get colder, that's why if you are blocked in a cold place, you must not sleep ). If your wife says anything about you sleeping in another room, stand for yourself. Tell her you can't simply not sleep anymore there, and it is hurting your work's ability, so if she wishes to stay a mom at home, you need to sleep. Second read this : https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ and apply it. It will help you to fix yourself, by finding out you can be happy by yourself. Your wife will notice the change, if she comments it, simply tell her you start to move on emotionally from her betrayal. Hit the gym, hard. Build muscles, be muscle. It will boost your self-esteem, and gives you a way to externalize all those dark feelings, and clean your mind. Some advice weight lifting, as it makes your whole mind focused on the exercices, and help them to clean themself. If your wife question it, simply answer you want to see your kids graduation. If she uses your kids as guilt trip " you don't see them anymore, ect" ask them "do you prefer to have a strong dad ?" as you tenses your muscles, "or a weak dad" and let your shoulder fall, it will make them laugh, and they will agree with you. Spent quality time with your kids, build a strong relationship with them, even stronger if it is already good. Go in therapy. You need it. Go to a man therapist. Receiving a man support, will be more beneficial for you. I highly advice you to read this book : "No more mr nice guy", by Robert Glover, [here the pdf](https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf) Read the intro and first chapters, see if it hits home, I think it will. It's a good and interesting reading. You need an orca lawyer. Why an orca lawyer ? Because an orca can kill a shark, but even if it started to attack a human, it will avoid the attack as soon it notices it is not it's usual prey. They are smart death machines for resume. Your wife being a paralegal plays against her, she is part of the law, she knows the law, and I don't think judges would appreciate one of them using the law for dirt it. I remenber a dude who had a good local lawyer, his wife, who cheated on him, got an excellent lawyer from another part of the state. His lawyer coached him about the judge. Her lawyer ? He pissed off the judge, and the judge even lectured his wife. Does your state is a double consent state about recording ? Because if not, start to walk around your wife with a VAR on, as she is really evil, it could avoid you a lot of trouble. And you need to log everything, everytime you take care of your kids, everything she says or does for ruin you, or your kids relationship. You can do it. You can get away of this hell with your kids.

  • Claire Tillman

    I got out of it about six months ago. This is like 5-6 years of my life, so it is long, but I feel I have learned so much. I've noted later where it gets better, so skip to there if you fear that my anxiety may trigger your own. Here goes: This time it started when I graduated from uni and couldn't find a job. I was drinking and smoking a lot of cigs at the onset. I had a lot of self-esteem issues based around the fact that I wasn't living up to my potential and also some poor choices I was making in "love." I had my first anxiety attack around this time, triggered by a Facebook post from an acquaintance. I felt she was doing artwork superior to mine. I could never live up. I quit drinking (yay?) when I started smoking excessive amounts of weed. Overall I just felt it was a better/safer medication than alcohol. It seemed to help with my anxiety by making me just flat not care about anything but what I was doing at that moment. I immersed myself in video games and books as an escape. I also unfortunately really lost interest in any creative work I had done in the past. I managed to get a few different jobs over the years, but my overwhelming anxiety issues caused *serious* problems for any kind of advancement. Most days it was a struggle to get out of bed, much less be motivated at work. By this point I had some *major* issues with my roommates and boyfriend thinking that I was just lazy or *wanting* to be sad--we've all heard that, right? Of course I don't want to be sad. FUCK. We find bedbugs in our rental house and this is the last straw. My mind is breaking with anxiety. Everything we own has to be thrown out. I'm covered in itchy, gross bites daily. My relationship with my SO is breaking down significantly. I no longer really speak to my roommates. All I do is work and lose myself in smoke. Have even started smoking (weed) at work--something I always prided myself in not doing. But fast food customers will do that to you. I feel like a broken person. Old suicidal thoughts are creeping back and I'm terrified. I'm crying right now thinking about this time in my life. It was by far the worst place I've ever been. Now I know I have to make some kind of change, which I've been trying to do for a while. I try a few things--cosmetology school (hated it) and then got a job with children hoping that a youthful innocence can pull me up. It worked to some extent, but my anxiety definitely held me back and constant screaming is not great for the nerves. HERE'S WHERE IT STARTS GETTING BETTER: I finally decide I will go back to school for computer science and follow in my mom's footsteps. She's happy and well-employed, plus I really look up to her. **crosses fingers** Just before the semester started *I quit smoking cigarettes. It was SO much easier than I thought it would be.* I used patches and it worked! I haven't smoked a cig since July 2016. I had one anxiety attack, which had me really close to reverting. One night while literally holding an unlit cig I had a bit of an epiphany that my anxiety was fighting me on this. It was separate from me and trying to control me. I essentially humanized it and pictured it banging its head against the wall that was my will power and it all broke down. It made no more sense. *I was FREE!* I don't know if anyone has ever tripped before, but the feeling of that epiphany and freedom felt *a lot* like the euphoric afterglow of a good trip. It was truly amazing. I got a position as a Grad Assistant (because I was the only local student lol). I was immersed in the department and, though my social anxiety definitely flared at first, everyone turned out the be nice and extremely supportive--even though I had no idea what I was talking about for a while. After month or so of trying to write code around my bowl smoking schedule, I decided to take a stab at quitting weed. This was harder than cigs (mostly due to insomnia--melatonin helps), and I slipped a couple of times, but each time I went back I was reminded why I quit. When you're feeling these feelings constantly, you don't realize how much these "meds" make your anxiety and depression sooo much worse. Only after I quit for a while could I see the difference when I smoked again. I went straight back to that dark place and it was scary. OK, we're up to the present: I currently feel like I have truly made it out! I am doing well in school and keeping up with my housework. I have motivation I haven't felt in years because I'm doing something that I feel challenges me! This is so huge--find something to wake your mind back up. I feel accomplishment for quitting smoking, for doing well in a difficult school program, and for repairing a lot of broken relationships. At one point I was really tested because my SO and I got into a pretty big fight and he brought up my past behavior and mental health issues. I had to really stand up for myself and say, "I know I have improved and really made a lot of positive changes in my life of my own accord. If you don't see that then (after 5 years) this isn't going to work. I will not have my past held against me when I am making such *huge* steps forward." It worked and he apologized and acknowledged my huge improvements. He asked me to marry him on Jan. 1st this year, and I said yes. SO WOW. TL;DR I quit smoking (cigs and weed)--in general I got completely sober. I am doing something that challenges my mind and when I succeed I feel pride in myself. Fixing relationships has also made me feel more normal. I am sorry that this was so absurdly long, but I have so much to say on this matter. Please ask any questions you have for me because I feel I have so much to offer to people who are really ready to move forward. It is absolutely possible--this is something I scoffed at for years, but it's TRUE! Thanks for reading this and I hope I can truly inspire some to improve! <333

  • Cheyenne Aufderhar

    On your point about Ron, his first falling out with Harry in Fourth year was perfectly normal. This is what I usually don't understand about peoples hate for Ron. In the trio, Ron is the only one who acts even marginally like the actual teenagers they are. He felt betrayed at what he thought was a lack of trust from Harry, and that Harry was getting an opportunity that he wasn't. He obviously regretted it later, before even the event, considering he tried to tell Harry about the dragons through Hermione, but at that point it was his own enormous 14 year old ego that prevented him from making complete amends till he saw his best friend in mortal peril once again. Second of all, he didn't desert Harry because he was hungry, that was simply another straw on the camel’s back. Not only was he hungry, he was being quite literally mentally assaulted. Ron's has very obvious self-esteem and self-worth issues, and wearing the locket amplified them. We got a small taste of whatever the locket made him think when it opened as he was about to destroy it. That's also not mentioning the fact that he regretted his behavior the second the locket was off and he'd apparated. It's the same situation as being argument with a family member or friend and in your anger said or done something you regret. I've seen actual blood-related siblings feud for a little over 4 years over things done and said in anger (my uncles). It's been a while since I read CoS, but I'll take your word for the jokes about abuse, and again point it out as Plot induced Stupidity. CoS is very much a children’s book. Also, he'd faced Voldemort only thrice until Book 5, not 4 times. Molly wasn't withholding information, because it wasn't unilaterally her decision, and even if she was in a position to educate harry, it wouldn't have had an effect either way. The battle happened because Harry thought Sirius has been captured and was being tortured. Even if Harry knew that Voldemort was after the prophecy, Tom could've still implanted the vision of a tortured Sirius, Harry would've still tried to contact Sirius and failed and embarked on the mission, only this time he would know why he was going there. In fact if he knew just how badly Tom wanted the prophecy that might have even given the vision of Sirius being tortured more legitimacy. He knows Tom wants the prophecy, and he'd go as far as finding and torturing Sirius to get Harry out of hiding. As for the entre Love potions thing. It’s literally a throwaway line in a book meant for children. Almost the entirety of the first three books is horrifying when looked at in an objective light because it’s meant for kids and not adults. I can agree with Ginny's potential being squandered a bit, but that's only if you somehow skip over all the small things that only Ginny's able to do for Harry throughout OoTP and HBP. As for Harry's sudden jealously, that's pretty much exactly how teenage infatuation works. You don't have charming talks or deep intellectual talks at that age. It's just a sudden thing, you notice the girl in your class more, and from there you start noticing her good qualities, both physical and personality-wise, while glossing over the bad qualities, because you’re a teenager, and hopped up on hormones and stupid(speaking from personal experience). I do agree with the legitimacy of their relationship in the Epilogue being tenuous from just canon, because in canon all we got was teenagers heavily infatuated with each other who also happened to be friends who went through some life changing events together. We don't get to see them go from the awkward teenage dating to an actual adult relationship, and it's even worse for Ron/Hermione because all we get is a kiss an a admittance of their feelings before the time skip, but you're the only one who has the opinion that his desertion went unpunished. Hermione gave him the cold shoulder for weeks, and would've continued for god knows how long if the urgency of their task at hand didn't distract them. Like the Gringotts break-in, the capture and subsequent release from Malfoy Manor and etc. We don’t know happened even directly after the final battle, but it’s a very logical extrapolation that Ron’s disappearing act would’ve been a point of issue later on in their relationship. Literally no one in canon tries to defend or excuse it, not even Ron himself. It was a moment of weakness he had. Even the best people have moments of weaknesses that turn into life-long regrets. Harry/Hermione isn’t the logical conclusion any more than any other ship. If we ignore HBP and DH, then in five books the only romantic overtures Harry got from Hermione were in the fourth book, and those can be argued as platonic shows of moral support just as easily. As for Harry and Hermione finding solace in each other in the tent. This is the only point I can fully agree with, but at this point both were rather emotionally invested in Ron and Ginny. This isn’t to say something couldn’t have happened, but Harry was obsessively stalking Ginny with the Marauders map and Hermione spent weeks feeling miserable because Ron abandoned her. Anything that could have been happened would have been looked upon with horror and extreme emotional guilt considering their characters up until then. The Fleur situation is literally the most normal thing about all of this. The truth is no matter how hard you try, your in-laws might not like you, Fleur certainly didn’t help with her initial behavior either, considering there were several snippets of her saying how things were better at Beuxbatons or what not. We also don’t have any definitive proof of Bill trying to stop it or not, so we can hardly say he didn’t. For a real world example, My mother is Muslim and my father is Hindu, and you can bet your right leg that my mother’s family didn’t like my father, and my father’s family didn’t like my mother, and it only took them over 20 years of my parents’ marriage to come to term with it. HP literally reflects the real world, not liking your future daughter/sister in law is hardly the most damning of character flaws.

  • Lue Hamill

    1. Having the sex talk can be comfortable for parents, but not having it can be dangerous for kids. Parents have nostalgia about innocence, you do nothing but leave your kids vulnerable to a host of unideal situations by trying to preserve their "innocence" by not educating them. Their safety and knowledge matters, so teach them! Proper terminology, what is appropriate and inappropriate, staying clean, etc. Others have also mentioned the masturbation thing... I agree. It is not bad or dirty, unless done inappropriately or unsafely. While contemplating your daughters' potential future sexual exploits isn't easy to stomach, an understanding of the female body (Natural Family Planning and other books) and masturbation do wonders for health as well as confidence. That confidence can reinforce self esteem and a positive, empowered world view. 2. They are not in school to make friends, they're in school to learn. This advice helped me focus more on learning, and it also helped me stay motivated to keep going and not dread school when things were socially uncomfortable. I still remind myself of this fact as an adult. 3. Compliment them with intent. Reinforce that they are beautiful. Reinforce it by telling them that the things they do, the way they think, they way they treat people, the way their body can do amazing things like run and climb and breathe, and yes, the way they look, are beautiful. Some days may come when a girl might actually find confidence or a reprieve from bad feelings by feeling good about personal appearance. It certainly isn't everything, but a lot of the comments I think degrade physical compliments and undermine it with a reverse bias which I think is wrong. All compliments can be good compliments that reinforce confidence. 4. Emotions happen, and sometimes not for any definitive reason. Encourage your daughters to explain what they are feeling, why they are feeling it. You can allow them to experience feelings without letting them wallow in self pity or sadness. The important part is asking them what they will do to change their circumstances, and what help they need to do it. 5. Talk with them like adults. Kids are incredibly smart, and they both prove and expand that intelligence if given the chance to share their thoughts and ask questions. This is invaluable in so many ways. Ask them to consider people's behavior.... Their peers, family members, teachers, yourself, everyone. It helps them consider what they want out of life, how they want to treat people, and what options they have to consider. Use real words with them, maybe even assign them a few words to learn each week. Communication is probably the single skill that will serve them in every situation life can offer... Not just with others but within their own minds. If they can articulate and think, they have the power to learn and find value in life. 6. My parents teased and made fun of me (and the other young people in our lives) a lot... And I think it's made me a good person. I'm not saying that you should ridicule them or tear them down... But make fun of and joke with them about themselves. You can tell when it's good or bad timing. It helps me, and others, put things in perspective and find entertainment in things. It can help divert attention from how something is upsetting or uncomfortable or painful or embarrassing, instead focusing on how life is sometimes shitty and unpredictable and how we do stupid things but are still worthy of love and affection and interaction. 7. When they do something wrong or mess up or are scared or get hurt, don't make a huge deal about it and freak out. Hear them out. Ask them questions. Stay calm and rational. By doing this, you will show them how to maintain themselves in the face of emergency or tragedy. You can be the calm in the eye of the storm for them, too. Encouraging them that "failing a class, getting pregnant, getting in trouble, having a fight is not the worst thing that can happen. Much worse things could and have happened. As long as you handle this and know I am on your team supporting and wanting to help you make good decisions, this can turn into something better." This will help them be more comfortable coming to you for help, and asking for help before things get out of control. 8. Don't push your daughters. Support them. Help them find things they like, and help them make decisions by training them to be discerning. Success in school and life isn't the same for everyone. Instead of lecturing them about not having perfect grades or awesome sportsing or lots of friends, "Are you proud of yourself? Is this an example of your best effort?" If your kids understand the value of what they're doing and what they're getting out of an experience NOW as well as in the future and if they see that repercussions for their actions are so much more real than getting grounded, if they get license to make some (not all) decisions about their activities, they'll be more likely to thrive. Instead of, "When you go to college.." "When you and your husband have kids...." There are multiple paths in life, why rob yourself the wonder of watching where your daughters choose to adventure and excel by limiting their options, albeit with good intent? Instead... "If you decide to go to college...." "If you decide to have a partner and have children...." You may find yourself out of your depth when your daughter becomes a journeyman or is asexual or has a wife and gets babies from a surrogate.. But isn't the point of having kids in a way to make them better? Help them do things you never imagined? Learn and be inspired by them?

  • D'angelo Wuckert

    Let's not go to prison for what someone else did. I will presume you've read some of the books list at the end of this post for the lurkers. If the following statement resonates for you, and you want to get out of this Matrix, reply to this message. "If one was regularly ignored, abandoned, discounted, disclaimed, and rejected -- as well as invalidated, confused, betrayed, insulted, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, dumped on, bullied, [scapegoated](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=scapegoating+in+families), and/or otherwise abused -- by others upon whom they depended for survival in early life, AND/OR they are highly stressed by school, work, relationships or other chronic life challenges,... they may have been [in-struct-ed](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=social%20constructionism), [in-doctrine-ated](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=indoctrination), [programmed](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=mind+programming), [conditioned](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=operant+classical+conditioning), [socialized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=socialization+psychology) and/or [normalized](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=normalization+social+psychology) to... beliefs, values, ideals, principles, convictions, rules, codes, regulations and requirements about how we or they (or the world) should / must / ought / have to be... and then beat themselves up for not being that way." - - - - - - Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent)

  • Warren Conn

    > By any chance was one of your parents a narcissist? My parents were both terrible at being parents, but I don't think any of them fit the definition of "narcissist." Contrary to you, when my self-esteem was at its lowest, when I became a smiling pushover, that's when my family finally cut me some slack. We actually seem to have lived very, very different lives, you and I. I am far from being an overachiever like you. Here's my own background: - **Father**: stay-at-home, "feminine," emotional, extremely homophobic, hypocritical in many, many ways, introverted, socially awkward, never disciplined me in any way whether with my homework or with chores, has a philosophy of living life with the least obstacles possible, which is arguably and by many definitions the polar opposite of masculinity (i.e. being adventurous, risk-taking, ...); I have never seen him work in my entire life, he has spent most of his time discussing conspiracy theories on the internet since as far back as I can remember. Never taught me anything useful in life, other than perhaps, eating healthily and keeping an open mind to diverging opinions (because you know, diverging opinions and conspiracies are what he excels at). Comments he'd occasionally throw at me with no argumentation while I was growing up: I have a disgusting personality. Hearing it once is pretty painful. Hearing it multiple times throughout the course of your childhood is damaging. It is also a highly ironic comment because I believe it is pretty disgusting behaviour from a parent to insult their offspring rather than teach them how to be better; once again, my father's a hypocrite. - **Mother**: worked abroad for most of my life. My parents are not divorced but their marriage is pretty much sexless as the family is reunited only for a few weeks, maybe months at best, per year. My mother is upbeat, extroverted and what you'd call a "workaholic." The "stop being agressive" comments were usually from her. My mother, the disciplined, hard-working, extroverted parent, would probably have been a much better person to raise her children than my meek, weak father. Her extroversion would likely have had a positive impact on my personality. Her discipline would have benefited me in all areas of my life. But, tough luck, she valued working abroad more than being with her family. I got away most of my life with absolutely no discipline, revising tests on the day before and getting a passable grade, never being pushed to be better than average: as long as I passed, I was OK. Teachers would constantly tell me how tragic it was that I was not tapping into my "potential." Needless to say, I fell from very high when I entered college and lived on my own. My father knows what my opinion is on both of their parenting skills. "You are good people but both terrible parents," I told them. He said that he can't have been that bad if I never fell back and did OK before college. I'd tell him the difference between IQ and hard work, that you need both in order to succeed, that the latter is in fact far more important than the former, and that it is a trait that is normally instilled by the parents through proper education. He'd laugh and say that I am a fascist for bringing up the subject of IQ: that's right, on top of this irrelevant, fallacious argument ("fascist"?), he's trying to scrape up the little parenting credit that he possibly can: my shallow "achievements" which were purely based on the random luck of genetics. The fact that I was able to get away with 0 work until then, what did he do for that other than place me in my mother's womb? What did I do other than randomly appear on this world? IQ is nothing to brag about. Hard work is. I entered college with the emotional maturity of a child, after living a life full of games, 0 homework, 0 chores, raised without a strong male role model. Most of the meaningful education I had in my life were from the self-improvement e-books I've been reading recently. These books are the teachers that have been absent all my life. Knowing whether the moon landings were fake or not or whether [insert conspiracy theory here] is true or not, is not going to get me food on my plate, it's not going to get me a great social life, it's not going to bring me happiness. All it brings is controversial knowledge that frankly I don't even care enough about to debate with other people or to confirm what he says through my own research. Other than all that, there is still a positive side. Despite all their failings as parents, I believe their love for me is genuine. That's enough to express gratitude. A lot of things they do properly (provide financially, love, ...) can easily be dismissed as "well that's normal, it's a parent's job to do that," but many people don't even have parents to complain about, so I should be grateful for the positive things in life. They also provided me with a lot of travelling experience. I wasn't lying when I told them they were good people but terrible parents. I genuinely do love them. As people. Not as parents. We've all got to live our lives the best we can with the cards that were given to us. And the mere fact that I was born in a rich first world country gives me a greater hand than the majority of human beings that are currently alive. All I've got to do is keep improving myself henceforth.

  • Orin Oberbrunner

    Suggested reading: 1) The Five Stages of Recovery at pairadocks.blogspot.com to see where they are on that list at any given time ( because it *will* vary). 2) The "four types of borderline personality disorder" via a good search engine (I used to provide the links, but so doing creates a labor problem for the moderators on this sub-reddit; sorry) to see what applies (it's usually two or more in polarized opposition to each other). 3) The Patterns & Characteristics of codependency on the CoDA.org website about both of you. 4) The "Karpman Drama Triangle" to see where you, they and their family members are on it most of the time. 5) "Family secrets" and the "emotional blackmail" used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who ignored, abandoned, discounted, disclaimed, and rejected -- as well as invalidated, confused, betrayed, insulted, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, ridiculed, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, dumped on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused, which is usually (not always) the case for those with BPD. 6) "Reactive attachment disorder," because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those they must depend upon to survive. 7) The Codependents Anonymous website meeting locator for your area... and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about "psychological boundaries" and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of intolerable abuse here and fear of intolerable abandonment there. 8) Any professionally written book on "adult survivors of child abuse." If applicable, pick one or two, and read them. 9) The *Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide* by Alex Chapman & Kimberly Gratz for your own sake, regardless of what they do or don't do. 10) More books: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent)

  • Chyna Buckridge

    I was born with anxiety that was diagnosed as autism. Or maybe I was on the spectrum? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I've grown out of it. For example, I didn't make eye contact with people not because I'm autistic, but because I was cripplingly shy and worried that everybody was out to criticize me. Unfortunately, I didn't know enough words to explain myself when my parents called me "crazy". My parents were devastated when nurses from the health department came to my preschool, observed me, and told them I was autistic. All they wanted to do was fit in to their new country, and for me to fit in. The nurses said I either had to go to a special ed school, or do an extra year of preschool. My parents said hell no I wasn't doing special ed. My mother to this day has a form authorizing a child psychologist to see me, to prove that *she did not sign it*. Growing up, I had the double whammy of being pressured to get good grades and getting yelled at for getting good grades because the time I was putting into academics was taking away from time I should be using to learn about "life" and "how to be a person". "Some things you can't learn from a book," they'd say. I was also a verbal learner and I'd get yelled at if I couldn't learn something visually. I got yelled at for being "all about words" and for gravitating towards books and written instructions. I got yelled at for sitting and concentrating for long periods of time, letting the material "drown me over my head". Over time I would not be allowed to be passionate about anything, or commit to any relationship for fear that I would lose myself and neglect my mental development in "life". I also had a self-induced kind of ADD for a while where I would flit from task to task to prove that I am "awake" and "alert". My parents were one giant mass of worry. They'd watch every move I make - is this what people call "hypervigilance"? - and at night they had these marathon discussions analyzing everything I did wrong and how I should be corrected. My mom cried and yelled at me when I reacted inappropriately in a situation, saying "you'll know what it's like when you have kids". (Spoiler alert: That's when I swore to myself to never have kids, because being a parent seemed to really suck.) I felt guilty for causing my parents so much pain. I wasn't a "bad" child that disobeyed them; I was just a screw-up. I used to pray that my parents would take me back to the human factory and exchange me for a working model. Yeeeeaaahhh, I'm pretty sure I was suicidal. I'd get paralyzed in unexpected situations because I was trying to figure out the "appropriate" reaction. And then my parents would yell at me for being paralyzed. I feel like I have a criminal record because my parents remember all of my mistakes and relate my new mistakes to stupid stuff I did when I was 5. My melodramatic father likes to wallow in beliefs about how I'll never improve and how I'm doomed. There is nothing I can do to wipe my record clean. I asked my mom once what I can do to make up for all the stupid things I did as a child. She told me that I have to take each situation as it comes and "improve". In the meantime, when a milestone birthday comes around, she tells me that I'm mentally stuck at 10 or 15 years old. (Note: her narcissist mother - my grandma - used to tell random acquaintances that my mother was a retard that can't make her own way in the world, so that's probably what's really going on here.) My parents basically taught me that I got bullied in school because I deserved to be. Yes, I was socially awkward and yes, bullies to tend to target the weakest in the herd. They told me that the "smart" kids bully me because they can see me for the defective person that I was. They said that I had to have high self-esteem not because I was worth it (they believed I wasn't), but so that I don't get bullied, and so that social workers don't kidnap me and send me to a group home. It was my responsibility to get the mean girls to like me. I had to get "normal" people to be friends with me in order to prove that I, too, am "normal". So on one hand, I'm silently begging these girls to like me, and on the other, I'm trying to defend myself against them. I wish I were more combative in high school. I wish I'd cussed them out, thrown up two middle fingers, and gotten myself suspended. I would respect myself much more earlier in life. This screwed up my relationships with myself and with other people well into my 20's. I've spent most of my life begging mean people to befriend me. There's probably a lot I'm leaving out, so ask me anything. **TL;DR:** I was wrongly diagnosed with autism as a child, but I did have serious anxiety issues. I brought shame to my family. The burden of being a "retard" still weighs on me today even though I'm an adult and a productive member of society. FFS, I've even tutored autistic children!

  • Genevieve Hahn

    1) How old is she? 2) Where is she on this list of the [five stages of therapeutic recovery](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-five-stages-of-recovery.html)? 3) Does she have a *history* of being "difficult" or "dotty?" If she is in [early onset dementia](), you can pretty much forget about logical arguments, let alone expecting her to respond well to your understandable frustration. Suggested reading to get your *own* life back in order: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) and ***especially*** Naomi Feil: [*The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communication with People with Alzheimer's*]( https://www.amazon.com/Validation-Breakthrough-Techniques-Communicating-Alzheimers/dp/1932529934)

  • Ryder Rohan

    I felt like you just told my story. I was also an only child and my mom made me the center of her world. Her whole narrative was the struggling single mother who climbed the corporate ladder to provide for her baby. Total hero. As I child/teen she was a complete helicopter mom. She would do drive by's to my friend's house and call me and tell me to come outside so she could check up on me. I thought her being overprotective was because she loved me, but now I am starting to think it was just like you said about managing her anxieties. As a kid I got a lot of, "children should be seen and not heard" I was never really allowed to express my thoughts about things because I was the child and needed to let the grownups talk. As I grew into a teen, I started to have opinions about things and if they conflicted with hers it was a big drama. No, honey, that is not the way the world works. It was like whenever I tried to express an opinion she would shoot it down. She was the grownup and knew things I couldn't possibly understand. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion unless it was the same as hers. When I reached my late teens/early adulthood I lost all sense of self and became literally an extension of her. I was her daughter, not me. I couldn't go out the house until I had tried on multiple outfits and let her decide which one was the best. I wasn't even able to choose my own clothes. She also invaded my physical boundaries, much like some people like to do with small dogs..A lot of "OH my baby" grabbing me up without my consent. I felt like my body wasn't mine. She never did any sexual abuse, but I did not like that she touched me without asking. But I didn't know that at the time, I just thought this was what life was like. I first brought this up when I was about 20 and said, "Hey mom I don't like it when you grab me or touch my leg. You do it a lot." You know it's the kind of way you just grab a dog and you don't care about whether the dog was sleeping or not? You just do it cause you feel like it. No regard for the other party. Anyway, she told me that I was overreacting and that it was just her way of showing me love. I finally escaped her at 20 years old when I went to University. Except by this time I had developed a drinking problem. I believe it had a lot to do with me having such poor self esteem, anxiety, and I have also been diagnosed with add. My absent father whom I never met is an alcholic. Basically what happened at school was I did not know how to do life. My mom had kept me perpetually a child my whole life, hiring people to do house work, instead of helping me with my homework she often just got frustrated and did it for me. She filled out all my forms for getting car insurance and opening a bank account. So when I was off on my own I was completely unable to do life without her. After 3 years of drinking at university I turned into a full blown alcoholic and ended up in rehab. I have been sober for four years now. I don't know who I am or what my purpose is in life. I am only now just barely creating an identity for myself. I have been doing a lot of reading about narcissism and I too share many of the vulnerable narcissist traits. I am terrified that I am the very thing I think she is. I have moved to another country with my partner and I don't have to see her anymore. I live in a house that is actually quiet. The tv isn't always blasting. No one needs me for anything. There are no emergencies going on. It is so peaceful and I am grateful. I've read so many self help books you wouldn't believe. I've read about so many different careers. Yet I still don't know what my passion is. I don't have an real friends either. I am scared to get close to people so I keep somewhat shallow relationships. It's almost as if the relationship I had with my mom is the only way I know how to interact with people. I've never actually experienced unconditional love. I was brought up on everything being a transaction. My partner tries to give me unconditional love, but I don't know how to receive or give it. I am currently doing CBT for my anxiety..But I am thinking I should do talk therapy to talk about my relationship with my mom...

  • Emilie Hane

    I have no idea what part is BPD and what part isn't but my ex did the following strange things: -When we moved out of her apartment, I accidentally left a few of my things behind. She packs it in the back of her parents garage behind her other stuff. -She thought I had "poor money management" because I wouldn't spend it. I didn't have a job and I was only getting $115 a month from Social Security because some lady didn't do her job by putting my work stubs in the computer system. -She expected me to travel on my own at 18 when I had told her I didn't have any money then and I wasn't going to use up my whole allowance so she said that was an example of me having poor self help skills -She felt everything was her son's business so she told him everything about him, my faults, my flaws, what I took seriously or literal, my worries, what thoughts I had and she also let her son listen in on our conversations and answered all his questions when he would try and get an answer out of her so instead of refusing to answer any questions, she felt the need to answer them all instead of telling him to mind his own business and she isn't going to be answering anything. -when Dish Network wanted this piece back from me from their dish when I cancelled their service, she got anxiety from me calling her all the time to try and get it back from her so I could ship it back to them so she started to avoid answering her phone. -She would make promises and break them so she didn't fix my car at all until after we temporarily splitted up. -Every time she had money, she had to spend it than saving it to pay bills or to buy food -She thought anyone who wore characters on their clothes were idiots -She saw birth control as a form of abortion -She always liked saying "I see said the blind man." -One of her weird thoughts were people thinking you are a pedophile if you look at toys or go to a kid's movie or listen to children songs or even buying toys so she avoided doing anything that might make people think she is a pedophile so whenever she felt I was being too immature for her, she wanted nothing to do with me until she felt I was acting mature enough for her because she isn't a pedophile and didn't want to be one -She easily cried and anything hurt her feelings -She thought apple sauce was baby food so she was saying I liked it because it's baby food even though she was the one who had it in her fridge and bought it -Had to only eat organic and called everything else junk -Was very clingy and would call me self centered if I wanted to be alone and one time I wanted to go to bed and she called me self centered for it. It was like she always wanted me with her at all times. (Yes definitely BPD) -Couldn't be happy with what she got and I didn't care what she had or what car she drove but she cared -Thought algebra was concrete than abstract -Expected me to remember what food was on their plates at a restaurant one time -She always got screwed over by people (I wonder why?) -Didn't like anything that was unrealistic but yet liked the movie Cars and found that acceptable because it was "technical" but all the other movies and TV shows and books, etc. was not okay because it's not possible for it to happen because she didn't like stuff like talking animals or animals wearing clothes, etc -Cancelled going out with me the last minute because I was on the toilet when she arrived -When she was finally giving me back the Dish network piece, I better not be doing anything when she comes because I had to be at the right right away and not make her wait so I had to be sure I wouldn't be on the toilet again going potty this time -Was so convinced that people thought thing of her she thought of herself so she believed others thought that way of her and she didn't like me thinking I saw her as normal and her being fine except for she is depressed and has low self esteem and that's it and anxiety and social anxiety and she felt the need to point out everything she was doing that "wasn't normal" but yet it all looked normal to me. -Told me she wouldn't be dating me if I had sex with another woman before her (she was a he then so she didn't like gays or lesbians or bisexuals) and she always thought gay pride fairs were shoving it in her face and when she would see LGBT acceptance going around -Was very critical of lot of things and very judgmental of lot of things and very closed minded and willfully ignorant

  • Isabel Robel

    I'm a Registered Nurse so I understand your challenges but have never EVER heard of "legitimate addiction". My addiction was certainly legitimate! There is no such animal as a legitimate addiction. If you're an addict-you're an addict, period! You're either in recovery or using. You may have changes in your brain due to long term opiate abuse-(like me) but you can't continue to use opiates and say you have a "legitimate addiction". That is denial at its strongest-and your worst enemy EVER-is that type of thinking. That thinking-will keep you in a cycle of relapsing for a lifetime. Are you speaking of Suboxone? Methadone? I've been on Suboxone since its inception! There are also SSRI's and drugs for diminished dopamine levels to help too. If you could just get away from these people diminishing your self esteem you'd probably do quite well. Esp. Your mother. She sounds borderline to me. You can't get better long term in that toxic environment. You just can't. I tried! First of all if you have a narcissistic/BPD family NEVER EVER believe that they want the best for you! They DO NOT! I repeat-through all those smiling faces and phony support-they do not care! They're simply UNABLE to! When you came home you may have been a big boost to HER self esteem thinking "she really does need ME, love ME". They're afraid of their child abandoning THEM. Emphasis on the ME part. It's never about YOU. Narcissism is the only disorder where it's the people surrounding the narcissist who are affected negatively. Not them! I'm 60 and my entire family did just that. They want to be the one to take the credit for "fixing her"and take all the credit for how wonderful THEY are. They see your sobriety/wellness as a reflection of how wonderful THEY are that they were so talented being able to MAKE HER better! It's about CONTROLLING you. It's sad-but it's the truth. If you're going to give them access to you-you need to have very strong boundaries protecting YOU-and you don't sound strong enough to be able to do that right now. Also, the clincher for me is that the title of your initial post was to "help me show my N mom about HER behavior". It's not gonna happen! They don't see their behavior. They see YOUR behavior. They are NEVER, EVER going to see themselves as needing anything. YOU are the cause of her ills-in her eyes. My mother died at 86 thinking she was the best mother in the world. She left 5 narcissistic children and a scapegoated addict who she blamed for everything until the day she died. Only 3 still speak to each other. YOU are the person that needs to get it together-and get away from them. If you don't you'll live to really regret every day you stayed! I liked your cavities story. I used to be told that my cavities were my fault?? Trust me. I wish I could take back the decades I lost that I allowed myself to continually relapse while they suffered nothing from their abuse of me! I just couldn't see it. I thought they cared! The longer you keep relapsing -the longer they'll be able to continue to fool you. You can't see these behaviors with clouded thinking-so ?I missed it Do you have a good psychiatrist and a support group? You need that. I think it might help you tremendously. If your parents have the money find a psych who specializes in the care of "daughters of narcissistic mothers" or C-PTSD and co-dependency. "Google" those exact words (daughters of...) and read and learn all you can about this disorder. It will help tremendously because once you learn their behaviors you'll be able to see when you're being manipulated-and to not respond. No contact is the only way to save yourself in the long run though. See Dr Ross Rosenberg's You Tube channel, books and websites. He's excellent.

  • Breanna Hane

    Totally off subject but I gotta ask you............ I am 5'2 with measurements of 36-25-36 which is damn good since I have big boobs and a badonka butt sorta unsuited to a white girl LOL... But 22 in waist? Daaaaaaaaamn girl. How did you get there? I've been trying to get to a 24 inch waist and *CANNOT* get that last inch off!!! I don't know if it's b/c I'm sturdy boned? There is nothing "willowy" about me whatsoever. As a matter of fact I'm damn sturdy, hahaha! Can you gimme some help on how you got your waist down to a 22? Thanks! As for your deadbedroom...... I am so so so sorry! My husband has been battling low testosterone for a year (he's on meds for it) and it sounds like your man might be having T issues. I would definitely urge him to have it checked. Oh and this is **REALLY** important...... The lab will send the results with a range of 250ng-1150ng(Labcorp) OR 300ng-1200ng(Quest) as 'Within Normal Range' *however,* that is the NORMAL range for ALL men ages 16-90 yrs old. It is **up to the doctor** to compare that range to the patients age to define 'Normal Range'. Your man at 27 yrs old should present with **NO LESS then 950ng in his test results**. Sooooooooooo many men are testing super low for their *age* but GP doctors are not usually educated much on proper hormone levels and all these men are being told *"Hey good news, you're T is normal"* when it absolutely is NOT!!! This is *EXACTLY* what my GP tried to do to my husband but thank God I had educated myself beforehand. When I called him on it he broke out his medical books right in front of us, read for several minutes and then looked at me with surprise and said *"My God, you're absolutely right young lady! I sincerely apologize. He is extremely low and needs hormone therapy immediately."* I'm sorry for the intensity of my reply. This has become a passionate subject for me. >I must look good. i can not leave the house without someone complimenting me or a stranger asking me to coffee, dinner, event, something. children ask if i am a princess. And Lastly....... I (like you) garner much male attention and many compliments from young girls especially. I also (like you) use this to bolster my flagging confidence from my SO's lack of interest. I sometimes feel truly, immensely blessed that genetics gifted me with a pretty face & good body b/c without the constant reinforcement from strangers I think I'd have the worst self confidence *EVER*. It literally breaks me to think of what I'd be (emotionally) if I hadn't received the luck of the draw (so to speak) I did. It also makes me feel like I can't breathe b/c my chest gets so tight much of the time when I read the sufferings of the people on here who've lost all their self esteem. I comment a lot but I do not post often b/c I feel deep down like I don't deserve to kvetch when I'm actually pretty damn lucky. So we are much alike..... But I would give you a word of caution, DB sister to DB sister, as hard as it is try NOT to validate yourself off of strangers too much. Over time you begin wanting/needing more & more of that validation. At some point it'll lead to a desire to cheat b/c that's the ultimate confirmation right? Right. And it's so damn easy for women to cheat. Too easy. Please *please* try to talk to your SO about getting a blood draw. If he does in fact have a medical reason for his LL it *does help* keep your head in the game and creates a HUGE (helpful) barrier successfully keeping your desire for validation from tipping into the moral 'grey zone' I sincerely hope this helps you! I see sooooo much of my own situation in your post and can relate to what you wrote on such a deep level. Please do NOT hesitate for a second to send me a PM if you need someone who totally 'gets it' to talk to. Best Wishes & Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Flavie Kohler

    I strongly suggest reading the following to provide you with insight and tools: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent) Alexander Chapman & Kimberly Gratz's [*The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD*](https://www.newharbinger.com/borderline-personality-disorder-survival-guide) And perhaps this [neat little tookit](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html) for managing your emotional reactions to her.

  • Cordie Senger

    To all those who chew on their legs about this stuff, may I recommend the following? 1) [ACA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=adult+children+of+alcoholics). 2) The [Karpman Drama Triangle](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=karpman+drama+triangle). 3) The following books: Nina Brown's [*Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095192&sr=1-1&keywords=Nina+Brown+Children+of+the+Self-Absorbed) Eleanor Payson's [*The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family*](https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095258&sr=1-1&keywords=Eleanor+Payson+The+Wizard+of+Oz+and+other+Narcissists) Lindsay Gibson's [*Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*](https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095300&sr=1-1&keywords=Lindsay+Gibson+Adult+Children+of+Emotionally+Immature+Parents) Elan Golomb's [*Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self*](https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095348&sr=1-1&keywords=Elan+Golomb+Trapped+in+the+Mirror) Susan Forward's [*Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life*](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095384&sr=1-1&keywords=Susan+Forward+Toxic+Parents) (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and [*Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You*](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095420&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+forward+emotional+blackmail) Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's [*Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem*](https://www.amazon.com/Kimberlee-Roth-Borderline-Boundaries-Self-esteem/dp/B00HTK1LAW/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475095464&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=Kimberlee+Roth+Frieda+Friedman+Surviving+a+Borderline+Parent)

  • Norbert Pacocha

    Please just keep telling her. Telling her from birth shifts the responsibility for determining the timing of the "aha moment" from a time you select, to an organically occurring process. I'm a Birthmom, a mom, a step mom and a guardian to a teen at risk. I raised my children knowing all along about their sister who was given up for adoption. They comprehended it, like actually understood it at different times in their lives. My second daughter figured it out at 4 years old. My oldest son was closer to 10 or 11 and my youngest didn't really seem to comprehend it and take it in until he met her, when he was 15! He said it had always been like something he knew from a dream. The daughter we became guardians to at 15 and my step-daughter didn't really understand it until they met her, they were 18 and 24, respectively, when reunion began. It will, of course be different from the point of view of the adoptee. When I asked the daughter I gave up for adoption about it once we were in reunion, she told me she always knew, but began to think more about it and where she might have come from when she was 16. She knew it was a topic that her parents didn't want to discuss, her parents had created an environment where feelings were not valued the same as logic or reasoning. So in the end, she wasn't really allowed to discuss it, despite them saying she could talk to them about anything. Children are typically intuitive to their parents feelings. When words say one thing, but behavior says something else, they will choose to go with what feels true. As far as telling her about her birth parents, please be honest. Kids have the capacity to understand far more than we want to believe. We often hold back because we want to protect them, but in doing so, it grows into something much larger than it needs to be. I'm sure you know that your daughter is her own person, separate from the circumstances of her conception and birth. The key to her self esteem and confidence will be found in her knowing and believing that she can handle the world and her place in it. At that point, she will also truly know in her heart that her value has nothing to do with how she came into the world. Often times, parents confuse their love and protection as the key; it is sweet and well meaning, but in the end not effective. We even raise sweet little ones who parrot the sentiments that they know they should believe. I have spoken to, met and been the guardian of adoptees who deliver up phrases that they have learned by heart, but watched as they chose relationships in their adult lives that did not reflect the words that they had memorized. I advise you to sit down with your spouse and craft the language that you know she can understand. Then, play with her. Play pretend, draw pictures, read books. That's where the conversations will come up. When they do come up, be completely honest using the language that you and your spouse crafted. Be brave, good luck.

  • Brody Goodwin

    Would you say that Thomas Edison or Leonardo DaVinci were dummies? ;) I have good news for you! In order to even be considered dyslexic, you HAVE to be either average or high intelligence. Because one of the requirements is that your difficulties cannot be related to an intellectual deficiency or some other issue (like English is your second language, etc). So you're no dummy, my friend ;) See there are two sides of the brain, nearly everyone is stronger on one side than the other. If you struggled with reading writing and spelling, which are on the left side of the brain, then it's highly likely that you are extremely skilled at more right-brained activities. Dyslexics are often EXTREMELY gifted musically, mathematically, in science and technology, can draw or have other artistic abilities, and their imaginations know no bounds! They are also discovering other interesting skills that dyslexics are adept at, things like 3D visualization. Name a famous inventor and they were most likely dyslexic or extremely right-brained people. It's also genetic, so just know that your kid could end up just like you: an intelligent, creative, right-brained thinker who just needs some early reading help... which would be a wonderful gift :) As for reading with your kid, it is just as important for the bonding aspects as it is for reading. Here are some things you can do to make it more enjoyable for both of you: 1. Try comic books! (Age appropriate obviously lol). Nothing wrong with that, it's actually encouraged for dyslexic students because sometimes it's the only medium that gets them interested in reading anything, and any reading at all is better than none. 2. Play a game where you two make up your own different stories based on the pictures. 3. Ask the child questions about the pictures, look at the characters faces and see if they can figure out their emotions, have them find different colors or objects on the pages. 4. Snuggle and listen to audiobooks together! My oldest is dyslexic and he LOVES the classic children's stories on the Spotify Once Upon A Time playlist. 5. Show yourself compassion, and be open honest with your kid as they get older about your own reading struggles. Have a sense of humor about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. There is a chance your kid may also share these struggles, and it's important for their self esteem that they believe that they are whole people, not inferior, just different, with different strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else (just yours are more obvious sometimes). If you're going to teach that, then you have to believe it yourself ;) Your dyslexia is just a tradeoff for other gifts that you undoubtedly have, maybe some that you haven't even tapped into yet!

  • Carleton Kassulke

    [Link.](https://books.google.cz/books?hl=en&lr=&id=07mPAgAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA171&dq=child+sexual+abuse&ots=YMNSzakGFd&sig=Eiel6jKdr4qqQncuff2knSv0lEU&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=child%20sexual%20abuse&f=false) Scroll down to "Consequences for Children". Note that this isn't a study, it looks at many previously condutected studies and draws a conclusion from them. It doesn't, at any point, metion any study that found sexual abuse to have no effect on the children in question, and it says that over 50% of abused children have symptoms of the abuse. >Several studies have addressed consequences of child sexual abuse. Noone symptom or syndrome is found universally in all victims and up to 50% may be asymptomatic. Research has found sexual abuse to be associated with a number of internalizing behaviors including anxiety, depression, problems with self-esteem, suicidal ideation, sleep disturbances, somatic complains, and fear of males. >Several studies have also noted the presence of externalizing problems, including self-abusive behaviors, deliquency, cruelty, and substance abuse problems. In addition, problems with school performance and concentration, as well as problems with relationships and social competence are noted in the literature as possible correlates of child sexual abuse. >Sexual behavior is another possible area of impact. Sexually abused children appear to know more about sex and are more interested and curious about sexual matters and genital regions. Heightened sexual activity, such as compulsive masturbation, precocious sexual play, overt sexual acting out toward adults and peers, even sexual victimizing of other children also appears to be related to a history of sexual abuse. Another possible consequence of sexual abuse is self-consciousness about the child's own body. >Somewhat less is known about the long-term consequences of sexual abuse. Commonly identified long-term effects include anxiety, depression, self-destructive behavior, poor self-esteem, feelings of isolation, difficulty trusting others, substance abuse, patterns of revictimization, sexual dysfunction and sexual deviance. Although it is difficult to draw firm conclusions, it appears that abuse experiences involving father figures, genital contact, and force have the most serious consequences.

  • Laverne Lind

    I grew up with an abusive parent (who was also abused) so I have a lot of negative thought processes and grew up with very low self esteem. Here are a couple of helpful things I've tried. You can see if any of them appeal to you: * affirmations. Yes, that very silly Stuart Smalley stuff where you look in the mirror and say you like yourself. You don't have to look in the mirror (though you can). But in any case, I've found they do help, even if I feel silly. Saying stuff or thinking stuff like "I'm fucking awesome." "I'm okay!" "I'm doing great." "I kick ass." Whatever makes you feel good about yourself. It will feel ridiculous at first, but after a while, it starts working it's magic, even if it still makes you laugh. And hey, if you're laughing, that's good! This is to start counteracting the negative language/conditioning that's built in your head. * guided hypnosis/meditations with positive language/imagery. There are youtube videos that you can listen to before you go to sleep. They're pretty relaxing. I've listened to some of the ones from Jason Stephenson. The ones I've listened to are concerned with rest and sleep, but I think they're helpful because they use positive language, something again, your mind probably isn't used to. * learn how to heal your "inner child". The theory is you still have all these negative thoughts because a part of yourself is still hurt and confused from things that happened to you years ago, and it's time to address them. As children many of us were traumatized, and our child minds take that trauma and end up interpreting it in terms of "I am bad, this is why bad things happened to me." Basically you are going to learn to be the supportive and learning parent that you never had. There are several resources on the net and books that address this if you search, find the one that you feel most comfortable with. * books on self-love. I like the works of Cheri Huber, who has a zen background. But there are others that may work for you. * reading about loving, positive people. I'm reading about Fred Rogers at the moment. Amazing individual who felt self-love was so important to a child's development, he created a long-running TV series. :) Good luck in your journey!

  • Jarret Langosh

    > Teaching is a damn hard thing to do and teachers are often very passionate about trying to engage their students. This is key. The effort some teachers, or other educational professionals, will take to ensure any semblance of success is mind-blowing. Sure there are some that are in it for anything else than actually teaching, but several are so patient and can create such great atmospheres for children who would otherwise be left to suffer as several had in the earlier years of education as a *right*. Sorry for the 50/50 comment; I meant to say that the *results* are very promising, but that the ones making the decisions based on the results are 50/50. Poor phrasing on my part. I only meant to say that, as some children will often find themselves without anything to lean on for wanting to learn, Minecraft has show incredible progress for some. Education tends to gather up all students in this big one-style system, and that's where we have always been wrong. The tough part is finding the resources and capabilities to allow for different children to learn at difference paces, without giving them a result of *pass or fail*. Not everyone is capable of being advanced, let alone having basic understanding of concepts. I won't dismiss the interviewer as much as I might claim, and I will be the first to admit that some administrators are ready to jump on any technological band-wagon because person X said it worked wonders on children Y. There is a need to spend public money, and more often than none, we see ill-spent money for the wrong purposes. What he is dismissing is that it isn't any better than buying books, but books haven't proven to work for all children, just as Minecraft can't prove to work for all of them. As much as engagement isn't as prominent as effective, it is a huge step forward for some educators as they were lost in a loop of failed attempts to encourage certain children to *want* to learn, which is key. I sucked at math and French when I was younger, but as I grew into myself, built my self-esteem and worked on something I felt passionate about, I found that learning for the sake of learning didn't interest me as much as learning to make something happen, to give it all I got for the sake of understanding *more* about that thing. I feel that if I had been introduced to more technology in the 80s (when I was a child), I might have adopted different methods in learning as I see my own children going through right now.

  • Patsy Purdy

    I’m A Brilliant Little Black Boy by Betty K. Bynum and Joshua B. Drummond is a breath of fresh air for an entire generation of young Black boys. *** >• Authors Joshua B. Drummond and Betty K. Bynum, and their bookcover Nationwide — When Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, Vin Diesel, Blair Underwood and more top name celebrities show up and participate in a launch video for one cause, you know it must be a big important deal. >• And each time, the brilliance tucked inside every little Black boy will shine a bit brighter.” — Alvin Irby, CEO, Barbershop Books There’s an oft repeated African proverb which so profoundly states that it takes a village to raise a child. >• While McGee and Joshua knew that entertainment was the golden needle and luminous thread of the project, the fabric of their rich tapestry consisted of an overarching set of goals: bolstering self esteem, instilling moral values and encouraging Black boys to explore interests and discover their hidden capabilities. >• “If they never had that support growing up, never had someone by their side in their growth process, it has a direct effect on their self esteem and what they feel they can achieve.” Joshua’s choice to begin the book with the main character as reticent and reluctant serves the purpose of building a magnificently triumphant storyline trajectory. >• “It’s all about pride, but it’s done in an entertaining way that isn’t heavy handed.” Known for his signature work with companies such as Nickelodeon and Jim Henson Productions, Christmas designed the 18” vinyl doll for the main character of Dreamtitle’s inaugural children’s title I’m A Pretty Little Black Girl. > [**^pic**](http://www.blacknews.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/im_a_brilliant_little_black_boy.jpg) ***

  • Kaitlyn Muller

    Parents need to allow their children to assume age-appropriate responsibilities. Small example: when I was living in upstate NY, once my son was a preteen, I let him work out remembering his coat, gloves, and boots. If he forgot to take them to school during the winter, he wasn't allowed outside for recess. He forgot maybe once or twice, ever. If he was playing outside in the street, I didn't even have the coat-gloves-boots discussion with him. A 9-year-old can work out if he he is cold or not, and I refused to infantilize him, as OP's girlfriend is doing with him. By letting my son make as many decisions for himself as he could handle, while monitoring him as well as I could, I was pushing him to grow up and learn to take his own initiative. Damned if I wanted to raise a kid who couldn't work out his own boots and mittens. My brother and I had had a mother who treated our dad and us like OP's girlfriend is treating him. She was always lamenting how nobody could function without her heroic, martyred self holding it all together. She was a very intelligent woman, and fortunately she always had our backs in important ways. We were loved by her, so it's not like we turned out big screw ups, but this treatment screwed up our self esteem, especially mine. I always saw myself as a stupid, incompetent, useless fuckup and to this day, under stress the old feelings come roaring back. I will be on a mild antidepressant for the rest of my life. It delayed our maturity, and it caused her a ton of unnecessary stress and anxiety. Today, my son is so much better at adult in than I am. He is young, just 21, but he eats an amazingly healthy diet, is super at cooking, holds down two jobs in addition to his business, and lives in a large but orderly and clean group house. He is always finding motivational and educational books and videos and excitedly telling me about them. I couldn't be in the relationship that OP is in, just saying. I would have had that fight on Day One.

  • Peggie Pagac

    Not at all. You just have to question yourself and then be honest with yourself. For example most psychologists will say that children who were bullied that have anger issues will say that they are angry because they were bullied, that's only a small part of the problem and they are really just talking out of their asses and reciting what they read in borderline worthless books while in college, they know absolutely nothing about the child's life. The anger of these children usually has FAAAR deeper roots than bullying. Unsupportive or distant parents, a family that isn't tight knit and supportive, things like this creates an atmosphere that breeds insecurity, loneliness and extremely low self esteem, pair things like that with occasional mental illnesses and bullying that often goes on for several years and you are left with a young man or woman who has literally never been handed anything but the worst that humanity has to offer their entire lives. You can look at this scenario from two different ways, the easy way where the child is immature, spoiled, mean or just all around unpleasant and blind yourself to any factors that may MAKE the child this way or you can truly open your heart and mind and see the years and years of suffering these children have endured at the hands of a twisted society. This is how you must look at yourself during your meditations, critique everything about yourself until all delusions and lies you have told yourself are burned away, this is how you find enlightenment, you must make peace with yourself and any ghosts who haunt you. And even if you lead a good and fair life this method will help you to keep a clear mind free of bias and eager for knowledge.

  • Alysa Schumm

    Therapy is far and away the best thing for his long-term well-being. I benefited from talk therapy with some mindfulness/CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) techniques thrown in. It helped me survive adolescence, build my broken self-esteem, and understand that the problems in the family came from my mother's dysfunction, not from anything wrong about me. I wasn't able to do a deep dive and *really* untangle the horrors (often very subtle horrors) of my childhood until my mid-twenties, but therapy in my teen years set me up very well for that. I don't know that he can get over the uncertainty and anxiety. Not while he's still living with her. But he can get through it. My dad taught me about BPD when I was 15, and it really helped me understand my mom's disorder as a disorder. He didn't teach me much, though, just threw a book about it at me and told me "this will explain everything." It didn't. The book was *Stop Walking on Eggshells,* and it's written for adults whose partners have BPD, not for children of BPD parents. I found the workbook *Surviving a Borderline Parent* better for my purposes, as well as *Understanding the Borderline Mother.* Your stepson is probably a little too young for some of that, but you should look through those books to understand what he's going through and how to talk to him about it. I understand you don't want to trash her to him, but it's important for him to know that she's disordered and that he is neither the cause of nor the solution to her problems. He should also know that he is a good son/stepson no matter what she says, and when she says ugly things to him, she's projecting, not speaking the truth. And when he's at your place, you guys should reinforce the ideas that his boundaries matter and that his feelings are valid.

  • Tyreek Satterfield

    Yikes! I'd like to hope that they really genuinely love you but are struggling, maybe suffering some mental health issues. They could definitely benefit from some parenting classes and therapy. Parenting is bloody hard (when you're young it seems so black and white and obvious I remember) especially if you have mental health problems and have not been parented well yourself. But I'd suggest to try to follow the rules they set like you would have to as an employee think of your pay as a peaceful existence. Just nod, agree, appease and apologise. Know it's nothing to do with who you are but it's their failing to see and realise the parenting technique they used on young children needs to adapt and evolve just like you are. You're growing into young adults and they need to be building you confidence and self esteem. Respectful parenting. Maybe while they are not angry about anything you should explain this to them. Or you could borrow some books from the library about parenting teens. Maybe talk to your guidance councillor she/he should be able to offer you support and suggestions. But if nothing else remember you are awesome and it has nothing to do with you as a person. One day you will be independent and responsible for your own life. You may need therapy to get rid of any baggage from their parenting but you will be fine just remember that. If it ever feels dark and hopeless just remember things will always get better! I promise.

  • Cara Wintheiser

    Did you read the article?? "deplorable building conditions, lack of books, classrooms without teachers, insufficient desks, buildings plagued by vermin, unsafe facilities and extreme temperatures." How is anyone supposed to learn in an environment like that, especially when you factor in higher dispositions for mental illness and learning disabilities in lower socioeconomic classes? You're really gonna tell me that a kid with ADHD, ODD, depression--many disorders that are common as hell and effect attention and motivation already--is an asshole because he can't learn to read in a classroom that is too hot, is infested with pests, *doesn't have enough desks or books*, **doesn't have a fucking teacher**? The "lazy" kids that you're so bothered by and concerned about are the product of a failed school system that creates an environment that not only doesn't support proper learning but is actually harmful to it. Kids that have literally never had resources for education grow up to, surprisingly, not value an education. Minorities and people with low socioeconomic status already struggle with a tendency to carry out negative stereotypes due to low self esteem; combine that stereotype threat with a severe lack of resources, and it's very easy to understand how these children are set up for educational failure. Victim blaming is the most unhelpful way to deal with these problems.

  • London McGlynn

    I'm a first generation son to spanish speaking parents, like your children. My older sisters stopped speaking spanish when they got self conscious about being different in their early teens. I didn't, but i went through a X country pride phase that they didn't. My cousins went through the same thing. To me, a lot of this falls into the identify conflict first generation kids deal with: Gringo in one country, and Mexican in the other (no, im not Mexican). Sadly, the theories about what is happening politically might be part of it. Keep working at it. Like my parents, keep speaking spanish at home. Do what you can to bolster their self-esteem of their heritage, and why its such a great thing to be proud of. Travel with them, so they can see that much of this country offers just a few perspectives of life. There are so many more out there, and the ignorant F¢€|÷s out there are the way they are because they dont know better, and the worst ones really aren't capable of learning any better. If you are of interest, there are a lot of books out there on first generation kids and the common things they go through. I cant think of a specific one to recommend

  • Courtney O'Connell

    I think you probably mean well, but are likely severely underestimating the emotional distress that divorce, particularly a contentious one with an extended custody battle, causes for a child. Your SD is the oldest, meaning she had the most time with both her parents before the split, and probably is naturally having the hardest time coping. Her mom might have issues, but she is still your SD's mother, and your SD will feel defensive of her and highly anxious if you are overtly critical of her mother. The best thing, in my opinion, for her, and for your family is that you forget about her grades and seek therapy to make sure that she is working through the trauma of her parents splitting up. I would also read some books on effective coparenting, and if possible, try to be less judgmental of your stepkids' mom. The best thing for children of divorce is that their biological parents remain as cordial as possible, and put the children first. Try letting go of your high academic expectations, and feeling more empathy for your SD. I bet it will work wonders for her self esteem, and you might just see the effects of showing more compassion toward her in her school work. Good luck.

  • Logan Weissnat

    I talk about it a lot with my mother, whose approach I trust. She talks a lot about how kids appreciate rules and responsibility- she will get my toddler nephew to tell her what he thinks the rules and consequences are before each activity, like for jumping on the trampoline, and she always gave us chores from a young age because it's good for self esteem if kids can see themselves actually contributing. And she'll discuss having reasonable expectations by developmental stage, that children need scaffolding to handle things in a mature fashion and its not fair to expect from them behavior that would be challenging for an adult (like sitting quietly for a very long time at a table where the conversation is totally boring to you). I've read lots of books, none really stuck with me, but I've joined several gentle/respectful parenting Facebook groups and that has been really helpful, because you get to see actual parents have actual issues and then talk out approaches together on how to respond/reframe/etc.

  • Katherine Mosciski

    I was diagnosed with Asperger's at an early age, probably around 8 or 9, which is pretty early for girls. Not much was done about it, though. I only skimmed through some books on the subject when I was old enough to comprehend them. I was bullied a lot up until I left for college, and didn't have any friends in K-12. Also didn't make friends in college. I don't go out of my way to try to socialize with people since it's incredibly awkward. I don't have close friends, but I hang out with my roommate sometimes. The only other people I hang out with are online; we just play games occasionally. Still haven't gone out on a date in real life. It pretty much destroyed my self-esteem, and the fact that I haven't been able to land a job hasn't helped, either. I'm trying to find resources to learn how to manage it, but it's incredibly difficult to get treatment as an adult. As far as I know, therapy for autistic people is mostly geared toward children.

  • Evan Kuhn

    If the grandparents do stay to any extent in your child's life - and in fact, anyway - go out of your way to build up your daughter's self esteem in the future to counteract such negative influences. Tell her she can be anything she wants, that she is the equal of anyone. There must be children's books you can read her aimed at reinforcing (gender) equality and building a sense of personal worth. Talk to her about old fashioned attitudes and tell her they don't apply in the modern world, but that some older people find it hard to change. Enrol her in the scouts or something she'd like to do that focuses on building life skills, particularly cross gender skills, not just ballet. Encourage her to play with any toy she chooses and dress however she chooses. And the same with any future boy you have - treat them both equally and they will take their cue from that as to how to see themselves.

  • Veronica Moore

    > Is asking someone with a mental illness if they are still mentally ill really scientifically valid though? It's not very objective. I'll quote Chel_of_the_sea again, because she had an excellent response to this. The following is her post, and it re-hashes some of the sources again, but read it. Historically, we were considered [mentally ill.] The DSM (used in the US) recently declassified us as a 'disorder', but the ICD (used in much of the rest of the world) continues to classify us as a paraphilic disorder (essentially, a fetish). It's worth pointing out, however, that the ICD didn't declassify homosexuality as a disorder until the 90s (in fact, they did so in the current version of the ICD), two decades after the DSM declassified it. It also classifies the vast majority of the population as sex disordered, since things like enjoying kinky sex are disordered by the ICD's standards. But I would say we are not disordered, for three primary reasons: one, we show some basis in fact for our identification; two, unlike true delusional or somatoform disorders (which seem the most obvious comparison), psychiatric medication does not affect our feelings; and three, unlike true delusional/somatoform disorders, allowing us to pursue our feelings is far from destructive and in fact has exceptionally well-demonstrated positive results. ------------------------------ As best we can tell, gender identity is at least partially determined by brain structure formed very early in fetal development. A [few](http://www.journalofpsychiatricresearch.com/article/S0022-3956%2810%2900158-5/abstract) studies [show](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21195418) patterns [typical](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7477289) of our identified gender and not of our birth sex. Moreover, transgenderism correlates strongly with endocrine conditions - if we look at people born with externally female bodies, those with PCOS (which raises testosterone) are [much more likely](http://books.google.com/books?id=RUfMrW4Pzp0C&pg=PA52&lpg=PA52&dq=PCOS+and+transgenderism&source=bl&ots=jDzI2rtV5S&sig=EMQL22TzAMnQ2nNSZV1LfuE2djM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=cDd-U_b7I8SXqAaiiIK4CA&ved=0CIYBEOgBMAk#v=onepage&q=PCOS%20and%20transgenderism&f=false) to ultimately identify as men; those with CAIS (which makes their bodies incapable of responding to testosterone) almost never do, to the point that [single cases](http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-010-9624-1) merit publication in their own right. On top of that, digit ratio (a marker of prenatal testosterone exposure) displays markedly low T exposure on average in trans women and high T exposure in trans men. ------------------------------ Additionally, trans feelings simply don't respond to psychiatric medication designed to 'cure' them. No professional organization in the world - even those that do classify us as a mental illness for (I feel) mostly historical/political reasons - recommends just giving us SSRIs or the like and sending us away. Traditional therapies simply do not work. Compare this with a disorder that could be seen as an analog to trans people: Body Dysmorphic Disorder. BDD sufferers fixate on a small (e.g., a mole) or nonexistent part of their bodies, which they believe makes them hideous and unlovable. Some seek out treatment to remove the offending part. But BDD, unlike trans people, [responds well](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1785390/) to [both therapy and SSRIs](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3589080/). ------------------------------- And finally, trans people show absolutely enormous improvement when allowed to pursue our identifications unimpaired. Here are a few studies, although far from all that exist on the subject: * [Heylans et al., 2014](http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12363/abstract): "A difference in SCL-90 [a test of distress, anxiety, and hostility] overall psychoneurotic distress was observed at the different points of assessments (P = 0.003), with the most prominent decrease occurring after the initiation of hormone therapy (P < 0.001)...Furthermore, the SCL-90 scores resembled those of a general population after hormone therapy was initiated." * [Dhejne, et al.](http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885) is much-cited by those who like to say that we have elevated mortality post-transition, and it does in fact say this...for the cohort who transitioned before 1989, in a far more hostile world and with less effective treatments. However, there was not a significant elevation of suicide or of other mortality in the post-1989 cohort. * [Colizzi et al., 2013](http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12155/abstract): "At enrollment, transsexuals reported elevated CAR ['cortisol awakening response', a physiological measure of stress]; their values were out of normal. They expressed higher perceived stress and more attachment insecurity, with respect to normative sample data. When treated with hormone therapy [at followup, 1 year after beginning HRT], transsexuals reported significantly lower CAR (P < 0.001), falling within the normal range for cortisol levels. Treated transsexuals showed also lower perceived stress (P < 0.001), with levels similar to normative samples." * [Gomez-Gil et al., 2012](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21937168): "SADS, HAD-A, and HAD-Depression (HAD-D) mean scores [these are tests of depression and anxiety] were significantly higher among patients who had not begun cross-sex hormonal treatment compared with patients in hormonal treatment (F=4.362, p=.038; F=14.589, p=.001; F=9.523, p=.002 respectively). Similarly, current symptoms of anxiety and depression were present in a significantly higher percentage of untreated patients than in treated patients (61% vs. 33% and 31% vs. 8% respectively)." * [Here](http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/Medpro-Assets/trans_mh_study.pdf) is a broad survey conducted in the UK. Unlike the previous links, it's not peer-reviewed, but the large sample size provides some corroboration of the above results. In particular, we have: (Page 15): "Stage of transition had a substantial impact upon life satisfaction within the sample. 70% of the participants stated that they were more satisfied with their lives since transition, compared to 2% who were less satisfied (N=671)" (Page 50): " Most participants who had transitioned felt that their mental health was better after doing so (74%), compared to only 5% who felt it was worse (N=353)." (Page 55): "For participants who had transitioned, this had led to changes in their self-harming. 63% felt that they harmed themselves more before they transitioned, with only 3% harming themselves more after transition (N=206)." (Page 59): "Suicidal ideation and actual attempts reduced after transition, with 63% thinking about or attempting suicide more before they transitioned and only 3% thinking about or attempting suicide more post-transition. 7% found that this increased during transition, which has implications for the support provided to those undergoing these processes (N=316)." * [de Vries, et al., 2014](http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/09/02/peds.2013-2958.abstract) studied 55 trans teens from the onset of treatment in their early teenage years through a follow-up an average of 7 years later. They found no negative outcomes, no regrets, and in fact their group was slightly mentally healthier than controls. * [Lawrence, 2003](http://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1024086814364) surveyed post-op trans folk: "Participants reported overwhelmingly that they were happy with their SRS results and that SRS had greatly improved the quality of their lives. None reported outright regret and only a few expressed even occasional regret." This is not the case for (for instance) BDD sufferers - see the links above. If the offending part is removed or modified (e.g., dermatological treatments to get rid of a mole), they simply re-fixate on a new part. Trans people, in general, do not. ---------------------- Setting aside the abstract, for a moment, I am a trans woman. I am: * Stable: I have never been suicidal or anything more than moderately depressed. I have good control over my emotions (although less now than I once did - adjusting to the return of all the emotional turmoil of puberty takes work!). I can bear my emotional burdens, and I help many others to carry theirs too. I teach students who, in some cases, just go off the plane from countries where people like me are hanged - and I have the strength and stability to look them in the eye and not hide who and what I am. * Happy: I smile when I look in the mirror. I see a face that, for the first time in my life, feels like a face that is really mine and not a mask I'm looking through. I sing happily as I go through my day. I do my very best to be cheerful and warm to everyone I know. * Productive: I am financially self-sufficient, about to receive a Master's degree, and hold a fairly qualified position preparing graduate candidates for their entrance exams. I pay my taxes, tip my waiters, and have enough to fill my belly and help a friend in need. So let me turn this around - in what sense am I mentally ill? I made a choice for my own well-being after 18 months of careful deliberation. That decision, so far, has brought me nothing but joy for its own sake (you can read my story [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2f27b2/transgender_people_of_reddit_what_was_life_like/ck591nt)). The worst parts are my worries about others and the occasional shitty treatment. I am not distressed, I am not impaired, I pose no threat to others, and I ask nothing but the courtesies already extended to half the human race. So where, exactly, is the illness?

  • Anita McCullough

    For anyone who doesn't: In the latter years of the 19th century, Joseph Pulitzer stood out as the very embodiment of American journalism. Hungarian-born, an intense indomitable figure, Pulitzer was the most skillful of newspaper publishers, a passionate crusader against dishonest government, a fierce, hawk-like competitor who did not shrink from sensationalism in circulation struggles, and a visionary who richly endowed his profession. His innovative New York World and St. Louis Post-Dispatch reshaped newspaper journalism. Pulitzer was the first to call for the training of journalists at the university level in a school of journalism. And certainly, the lasting influence of the Pulitzer Prizes on journalism, literature, music, and drama is to be attributed to his visionary acumen. Pulitzer's Flexible Will In writing his 1904 will, which made provision for the establishment of the Pulitzer Prizes as an incentive to excellence, Pulitzer specified solely four awards in journalism, four in letters and drama, one for education, and five traveling scholarships. Initally, three of the scholarships were awarded on the recommendation of the Faculty of Journalism at Columbia to graduating students; two of the scholarships—in art and music, respectively—were administered externally by a jury comprised of faculty from the Columbia Department of Music and the Institute of Musical Art (music) and the National Academy of Design (art). Like the other awards, the latter two scholarships were open to all music and art students in America. (Currently, five scholarships of $7,500 are awarded to graduating students from the School of Journalism.) In journalism, prizes were to recognize "the most disinterested and meritorious public service rendered by any American newspaper during the preceding year" (a gold medal worth $500 with no monetary component); "the best editorial article written during the year, the test of excellence being clearness of style, moral purpose, sound reasoning, and power to influence public opinion in the right direction" ($500); and "the best example of a reporter's work during the year, the test being strict accuracy, terseness, the accomplishment of some public good commanding public attention and respect" ($1,000). (A $1,000 prize for the best history of services rendered to the public by the American press in the preceding year was only awarded once; similarly, a $1,000 prize for a paper on the development of the School of Journalism was never awarded due to a dearth of competitors.) In letters, prizes were to go to an American novel ($1,000), an original American play performed in New York ($1,000), a book on the history of the United States ($2,000) and an American biography ($1,000). But, sensitive to the dynamic progression of his society, Pulitzer made provision for broad changes in the system of awards. He established an overseer advisory board and willed it "power in its discretion to suspend or to change any subject or subjects, substituting, however, others in their places, if in the judgment of the board such suspension, changes, or substitutions shall be conducive to the public good or rendered advisable by public necessities, or by reason of change of time." He also empowered the board to withhold any award where entries fell below its standards of excellence. The assignment of power to the board was such that it could also overrule the recommendations for awards made by the juries subsequently set up in each of the categories. Thus, the Plan of Award, which has governed the prizes since their inception in 1917, has been revised frequently. The Board, later renamed the Pulitzer Prize Board, has increased the number of awards to 21 and introduced poetry, music, and photography as subjects, while adhering to the spirit of the founder's will and its intent. Award changes beginning in 1997 The board typically exercised its broad discretion in 1997, the 150th anniversary of Pulitzer's birth, in two fundamental respects. It took a significant step in recognition of the growing importance of work being done by newspapers in online journalism. Beginning with the 1999 competition, the board sanctioned the submission by newspapers of online presentations as supplements to print exhibits in the Public Service category. The board left open the distinct possibility of further inclusions in the Pulitzer process of online journalism as the electronic medium developed. Thus, with the 2006 competition, the Board allowed online content in all 14 of its journalism categories. For 2009, the competition was expanded to include online-only news organizations. For 2011, the Plan of Award was revised to encourage more explicitly the entry of online and multimedia material, with the board seeking to honor the best work in whatever form is the most effective. And for 2012, the board adopted an all-digital entry and judging system, replacing the historic reliance on submission of scrapbooks. Award Controversies Over the years the Pulitzer board has at times been targeted by critics for awards made or not made. Controversies also have arisen over decisions made by the board counter to the advice of juries. Given the subjective nature of the award process, this was inevitable. The board has not been captive to popular inclinations. Many, if not most, of the honored books have not been on bestseller lists, and many of the winning plays have been staged off-Broadway or in regional theaters. In journalism the major newspapers, such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Washington Post, have harvested many of the awards, but the board also has often reached out to work done by small, little-known papers. The Public Service award in 1995 went to The Virgin Islands Daily News, St. Thomas, for its disclosure of the links between the region's rampant crime rate and corruption in the local criminal justice system. In 2005, the investigative reporting award went to Willamette Week, an alternative newspaper in Portland, Oregon, for its exposure of a former governor's long concealed sexual misconduct with a 14-year-old girl. In 2008, the feature photography prize was captured by the Concord (N.H.) Monitor for its portrayal of a family coping with a parent's terminal illness. In 2010, the Public Service prize went to the Bristol, Va., Herald Courier, a small daily, for exposing the mismanagement of natural gas royalties owed to thousands of landowners. And in 2013, the National Reporting prize was won by InsideClimate News, a small online news organization. In letters, the board has grown less conservative over the years in matters of taste. In 1963 the drama jury nominated Edward Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?," but the board found the script insufficiently "uplifting," a complaint that related to arguments over sexual permissiveness and rough dialogue. In 1993 the prize went to Tony Kushner's "Angels in America: Millennium Approaches," a play that explores homosexuality in the early days of the AIDS crisis, before transmission was widely understood or effective treatment was available. Kushner doesn't shy from strong language, a change from earlier playwrights whose cursing could have cost them an award. On the same debated issue of taste, the board in 1941 denied the fiction prize to Ernest Hemingway's "For Whom the Bell Tolls," but gave him the award in 1953 for "The Old Man and the Sea," a lesser work. Notwithstanding these contretemps, from its earliest days, the board has in general stood firmly by a policy of secrecy in its deliberations and refusal to publicly debate or defend its decisions. The challenges have not lessened the reputation of the Pulitzer Prizes as the country's most prestigious awards and as the most sought-after accolades in journalism, letters, and music. The Prizes are perceived as a major incentive for high-quality journalism and have focused worldwide attention on American achievements in letters and music. Announcements The formal announcement of the prizes, made each April, states that the awards are made by the president of Columbia University on the recommendation of the Pulitzer Prize board. This formulation is derived from the Pulitzer will, which established Columbia as the seat of the administration of the prizes. Today, in fact, the independent board makes all the decisions relative to the prizes. In his will Pulitzer bestowed an endowment on Columbia of $2,000,000 for the establishment of a School of Journalism, one-fourth of which was to be "applied to prizes or scholarships for the encouragement of public service, public morals, American literature, and the advancement of education." In doing so, he stated: "I am deeply interested in the progress and elevation of journalism, having spent my life in that profession, regarding it as a noble profession and one of unequaled importance for its influence upon the minds and morals of the people. I desire to assist in attracting to this profession young men of character and ability, also to help those already engaged in the profession to acquire the highest moral and intellectual training." In his ascent to the summit of American journalism, Pulitzer himself received little or no assistance. He prided himself on being a self-made man, but it may have been his struggles as a young journalist that imbued him with the desire to foster professional training.

  • Celine Beier

    Spare us the concern astroturfing sprinkled with cherry picking and influencable-by-industry research. > Organic also uses many pesticides that are more toxic than those used in conventional agriculture and at higher application rates. OK so list them. First make sure they AREN'T pesticides that degrade before they would affect any ecosystem. And make sure they weren't the result of "organic" standards degraded by lobbyists for bad apples of industry. We who support organic foods have been fighting against the bad apple behemoths that try to bribe government and corrupt the meaning of organic. > In turn, this has worse consequences on biodiversity. Meanwhile, GMOs are shown to: > -Increase yield > > -Increase farmer profits (especially in developing countries) > > -Increase shelf lives > > (reducing food waste) > > -Increase nutrient levels in plants > > -Increase tolerance to extreme climate/weather > > -Increase salt tolerance > > -Increase resistance to pathogens > > -Reduce pesticide use > > -Reduce fertilizer use > > -Reduce irrigation > > -Reduce fuel/oil use > > -Reduce tilling > > -Reduce runoff > > -Reduce agricultural land demand > > -Reduce CO2 emissions > > -**Deny people the natural SELF-SUFFICIENCY of seeds they can FREELY SHARE AND GROW from harvest.** > > -**Tinkering BEHIND CLOSED DOORS** so we the people wouldn't know any time the company develops something harmful to the public yet profitable to the company, with the potential to spread throughput the natural world. Whether it is the plant itself, or a toxin sold as a companion to the plant. Which becomes more likely with... > > -**A goal to ELIMINATE all other competition.** FTFY. Organic farming and freely sharing seeds, even if people buy their seeds from suppliers, cannot ever shut out competition in the world because ANYONE can regrow the seeds and find novel ways to spawn new breeds. It's OPEN competition and anyone can participate. Patenting of seeds and plants is bad even if it's the plant weren't GMO. And yes, I showed examples of Greening the Desert and Will Allen's methods because they're performed OPENLY. Anyone can copy their methods, make them better. They have nothing to hide, nor any intention of stopping others from copying, nor any intention to corner the world's food supply for their pockets. As to the studies you list... - [Meta analysis](https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/i-never-meta-analysis-i-really-like] "Meta-analysis? Nope. Talk about disillusion. I used to rely on meta-analysis, but they are worse than laws and sausages, ceasing to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are made." - [Spreading toxic consequences](http://www.thelancet.com/pdfs/journals/lanonc/PIIS1470-2045(15)70134-8.pdf) (The Lancet) "Glyphosate has been detected in air during spraying, in water, and in food. There was limited evidence in humans for the carcinogenicity of glyphosate. Case-control studies of occupational exposure in the USA,14 Canada,6 and Sweden7 reported increased risks for non-Hodgkin lymphoma that persisted after adjustment for other pesticides." [Spreading far and wide](https://www.omicsonline.org/open-access/survey-of-glyphosate-residues-in-honey-corn-and-soy-products-2161-0525.1000249.php?aid=36354) ( Journal of Environmental & Analytical Toxicology) - "Of the sixty-nine honey samples analyzed, forty-one samples, or fifty-nine percent (59%), had glyphosate concentrations above the method LOQ (15 ppb), with a concentration range between 17 and 163 ppb and a mean of 64 ppb. Eleven of the tested honey samples were organic; five of the organic honey samples, or forty-five percent (45%), contained glyphosate concentrations above the method LOQ, with a range of 26 to 93 ppb and a mean of 50 ppb. Of the fifty-eight non-organic honey samples, thirty-six samples, or sixty-two percent (62%), contained glyphosate concentrations above the method LOQ, with a range of 17 to 163 ppb and a mean of 66 ppb. In addition to comparison of production method (organic vs. conventional), the honey results were evaluated according to pollen source and by country of origin, grouped by GMO usage (prohibited, limited, or permitted). Glyphosate concentrations above the method LOQ (75 ppb) were also found in ten of the twenty-eight soy sauce samples evaluated (36%), with a concentration range between 88 and 564 ppb and a mean of 242 ppb; all organic soy sauce samples tested were below the method LOQ." - [Their herbicide isn't as safe as implied](https://www.hindawi.com/journals/bmri/2014/179691) (BioMed Research International) "Pesticides are used throughout the world as mixtures called formulations. They contain adjuvants, which are often kept confidential and are called inerts by the manufacturing companies, plus a declared active principle, which is usually tested alone. We tested the toxicity of 9 pesticides, comparing active principles and their formulations, on three human cell lines (HepG2, HEK293, and JEG3). Glyphosate, isoproturon, fluroxypyr, pirimicarb, imidacloprid, acetamiprid, tebuconazole, epoxiconazole, and prochloraz constitute, respectively, the active principles of 3 major herbicides, 3 insecticides, and 3 fungicides. We measured mitochondrial activities, membrane degradations, and caspases 3/7 activities. Fungicides were the most toxic from concentrations 300–600 times lower than agricultural dilutions, followed by herbicides and then insecticides, with very similar profiles in all cell types. Despite its relatively benign reputation, Roundup was among the most toxic herbicides and insecticides tested. Most importantly, 8 formulations out of 9 were up to one thousand times more toxic than their active principles. Our results challenge the relevance of the acceptable daily intake for pesticides because this norm is calculated from the toxicity of the active principle alone. [- Monsanto is good at lying, beginning with bribes](http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4153635.stm) **Monsanto fined $1.5m for bribery** *Bribes were falsely entered in the books as "consultancy fees"* "The US agrochemical giant Monsanto has agreed to pay a $1.5m (£799,000) fine for bribing an Indonesian official." - [A long history of lying](http://legalnewsline.com/stories/510527036-ala-sc-makes-ruling-in-cases-over-300m-monsanto-settlement) "The jury found the Monsanto corporations liable on the plaintiffs' claims of wantonness, the tort of outrage, "suppression of the truth," negligence, trespass, nuisance and public nuisance." - [GMO production numbers are rigged, like all of big agribusiness](http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14735903.2013.806408?scroll=top&needAccess=true) (Taylor & Francis) "The public subsidy for the US farming sector is extremely influential. It is estimated at $277.3 billion (EWG 2012) for just the years 1995–2011 (and even larger for Europe, Heinemann 2009 Heinemann, J. A., 2009. Hope not Hype. The future of agriculture guided by the international assessment of agricultural knowledge, science and technology for development. Penang: Third World Network.). The 2008 farm bill authorizes a further US$290 billion in subsidies to 2012 (Harwood 2010 Harwood, S., 2010. United States farm bill - an antiquated policy? University of Detroit mercy law review. 88, 377–405.). Maize subsidies in the United States are estimated at US$81.7 billion from 1995 to 2011 (EWG 2012) and US$51 billion from 1995 to 2002 (Lin 2011 Lin, B. B., 2011. Resilience in agriculture through crop diversification: adaptive management for environmental change. BioScience. 61, 183–193. doi: 10.1525/bio.2011.61.3.4[CrossRef], [Web of Science ®]). As a result of subsidies, the United States sells maize on the world market at 73% of its production cost, wheat at 67%, sugar at 44% and milk at 61% (Harwood 2010 Harwood, S., 2010. United States farm bill - an antiquated policy? University of Detroit mercy law review. 88, 377–405.). The cost to developing countries is US$17 billion per year (Harwood 2010 Harwood, S., 2010. United States farm bill - an antiquated policy? University of Detroit mercy law review. 88, 377–405.), and thus subsidies potentially undermine emergence of more sustainable production system" - [Monsanto is good at lying, as it certainly CAN grow organic foods adequately, but its other products have a poor reputation too](https://www.wired.com/2014/01/new-monsanto-vegetables)... **Monsanto Is Going Organic in a Quest for the Perfect Veggie** "John Francis Queeny formed Monsanto Chemical Works in 1901, primarily to produce the artificial sweetener saccharin. Monsanto was the family name of Queeny’s wife, Olga. It was a good time for chemical companies. By the 1920s, Monsanto had expanded into sulfuric acid and polychlorinated biphenyl, or PCB, a coolant used in early transformers and electric motors, now more famous as a pernicious environmental contaminant. The company moved on to plastics and synthetic fabrics, and by the 1960s it had sprouted a division to create herbicides, including the Vietnam-era defoliant Agent Orange."

  • Jesse Wilkinson

    > The copendency and neediness for it not be your fault is interesting. But that's the interesting part. This whole thing really *is* my fault. *I* am the one who chose her. *I* am the one who ignored the red flags. *I* am the one who put myself in this position. She was just following her programming. With the exception of a few incidents, she has, for the most part, been following a predictable pattern of female behavior. My big problem has *always* been my internals, my "Inner Game," if you will. Looking back on it, I had a few big things wrong that really came together to make it hard. I had: * Low self esteem * Laziness / lack of motivation / lack of drive * Magical Pussy Syndrome (a more subtle version of pedestalization disorder) * Some *really* messed up internal thought processes I think this may have been some type of a defense mechanism where I would never accept the good stuff because it would be so easily taken away. My childhood was decent, up until my parents divorced, then shit went downhill really bad for a long time. I think I was just insulating myself against loss so that I never would have to feel what I felt for the few years after my parents split up. Unfortunately this "subroutine" stuck around longer than it should have, and got pretty invasive along the way. I would try to fight back using positive self talk, like telling myself, "I can do better. I *will* do better!" [I wrote here about why this doesn't work.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5sz82w/fr_its_not_about_the_candy_its_about_bear_hugs/ddkp099/) I never gave myself "permission" to really accept that I was good at a few things, okay at the rest, and bad at some things. I just kept trying to get better at *everything*. Add to this already-toxic mix the lack of any real strong, masculine role model. My dad was a great guy, but he was *firmly* invested in [the old set of books.](https://therationalmale.com/2014/01/14/the-second-set-of-books/) He tried to do what he thought was right, but his implementation was wrong. He wasn't a pushover necessarily, but he thought the best way to manage women was a weird mix of mild pedestalization, moderate appeasement, and vain attempts at consensus building. He was doing what he thought was right, but his implementation was wrong, especially for the times. He grew up during the time when feminism had first come out strong, and he legitimately thought that men and women were not that different from each other. He took them at their word, treated them as equals, and truly bought into the "happy wife, happy life" mantra. I grew up with this as my role model, with no idea there was anything else. When my dad remarried several years later, and I moved in with him, I saw how he dealt with my step mother. It wasn't much better. Add to this the fact that I had *no* luck with women, despite my extreme desire to do so. I was (and still am) addicted to pussy. I *love* sex. I *love* the way pussy feels. I *love* groping a great set of tits. YaReally talked about the two types of PUAs, the "thrill of the hunt" guys vs. "the joy of sex" guys. I am definitely closer to the latter. I tend to think my genetic disposition is more "r selected" than "k selected". I *love* sex, and find that I would probably stick my dick in most *anything*. For whatever reason, this large sex drive never drove me in the right direction with women. Be it the FI, the rising tide of third wave feminism, or just dumb luck. I *never* got lucky with girls in high school. I was *barely* better in college, managing to at least lose my virginity somewhere in my sophomore year with my first real LTR. My game back then was best described as stumbling over an opportunity that had just smacked me in the face, desperately trying everything to *not* fuck it up, which usually resulted in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I had it drilled in my head (by all the rom-coms, sit-coms, and other FI bullshit) that women really *did* want to be treated like they are in the movies. That the other jocks and assholes were just *lucky*, and that's not how you got laid. (Despite the fact that they were getting laid.) **For some reason, it never occured to me that *I* needed to change.** Now I am going to cut myself a bit of slack. This was the ascent of the FI. TV and movies were pushing the narrative in full force. I was *constantly* told by the Media / Hollywood that you should be *nice* to women, that you should *take them at their word*, and that men and women are fundamentally the same. (This is not to say that I was a feminist, far from it, I have been a Rush Limbaugh fan since middle school.) But what I wound up doing was something like putting the pussy on a pedestal. I did this because I didn't know any better. It was the result of my experiences. I wasn't putting the *girl* on the pedestal, I was putting her *pussy* on the pedestal. I never really thought the girl *herself* deserved special treatment, I just thought that was how you got to her pussy. You treated her right, dated her, listened to her, tried to be her friend, and she would reward you with her pussy. Isn't that what friends do, after all? This is not to say I was insincere, I really did consider them as friends, but there was always this low level drive to try and fuck them. Looking back on it, I can legitimately say that had *most any* of my platonic female friends offered up their pussy, I would have jumped right on it. (And probably would have raw-dogged it too.) On the few occasions where I *did* get lucky, I would *completely* go beta / lovey dovey to try and ensure that I would get it again. One girl once told me, "you will fall in love at the drop of a hat... and you would provide the hat." Looking back on that now, knowing what I know now, that phrase was incredibly insightful. I was also completely oblivious to the obvious signs of how things *really* worked. An example: I always expected women to act *rationally*. I figured that (most) women screened for mates using roughly the same criteria I did. I thought that a woman would have sex with a guy who was nice, showed respect to her, would treat her nice, and was a good "long term investment." I completely ignored the jocks who got pussy on demand. I discounted (for no real reason) the frat brothers who romped through the sorority sisters on a regular basis. I rationalized away (somehow) the bad boys who were able to pull the girls and get them to willingly do degrading sex acts for them. Hell, I even glossed over the average guys (no better than me) who were able to pull regular tail because they were "naturals." I never stopped and looked at these guys to see how they actually got pussy. I had two close friends who were actually pretty good at pulling pussy, but I never tried to learn from them. (One friend tried to teach me, and I started to get good at it, but it never gelled with me. Looking back, he had good inner game and ran confident alpha game, even though he was only 5'4".) While I realized that what I was doing wasn't working, ***I never made the next logical step and tried to change it.*** I just wallowed in my own little self-pity party. (It got so bad, I actually used self-pity to try and *guilt* sex from girls. Surprise: it didn't work.) I carried this big mess of stuff through all of high school, college, and ten plus years of marriage. **So what changed?** I honestly don't know. There were several triggering events that made me finally break and say, "this is it, *anything* is better than this. **I need to change.**" The first time that happened I got completely derailed by analysis paralysis. What was *really* going on was I was scared to upset the status quo and piss her off. (Yes, it had gotten to where I was *scared*. Not so much of her, but of what would happen if things changed, if I pissed her off, if she left, if the whole marriage fell apart.) ***I was scared I would completely ruin the world view I had bought into.*** So I just simply clammed up and started reading. I read everything you could find, including psychology books, game stuff, blog posts, everything. I especially dug into the old PUA stuff, partially looking for answers, but mostly because it let me build up a little fantasy world where I was slaying pussy right and left. I discovered stoicism and REBT / CBT. ([This thread over on the RooshV Forums is one of the best.](https://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-28873.html)) This encompasses about the first year and a half of my unplugging. After several false starts and backslides, I finally settled on the true problem: **it was all in my head.** **My world view was completely wrong.** The whole way I approached life was the problem. ***I had to completely start over and rebuild from the ground up.*** Across the dozens of books I have read, hundreds of blog posts I have read, and literally *thousands* of comments, replies, and discussions I have covered, I have *finally* settled on the answer. **It's not about her, it's not about the relationship, *it's about me.*** I create my life, the way I want it, *and she follows me.* I do things because *I* want to do them, not because I think it's what she wants, or what will get me sex. All of the advice, even the old school PUA advice from Maniac High, MRSex4UNYC, and Mystery all rests on the same fundamental premise: ***you live your life for you and no one else.*** That is what women find attractive. Now the next big hurtle for me is to undo all of that bad programming and start over. This is the hardest part because so much of it is ingrained and reflexive. Even though I *know* what has to be done, I still am hampered by reactions that just pop up out automatically, like a habit, that are a result of the old programming. Like when I pick up on a bad mood from my wife, I have to *stop* myself from automatically going into fix-it mode, and not react to it. And that is for a whole other post...

  • Amira Medhurst

    Ex-members report on human perplexity practices among Jehovah's Witnesses. They want to tilt their state recognition as a religious community. In the past, Sarah Schwarz had to go from door to door responsibly, recruiting new members. She can still remember well the dislike in people's faces. "I really did not want to do it, it was always an inner compulsion," she says. The 25-year-old was a Jehovah's Witness, almost her entire life. Schwarz sits on the couch of her small apartment in Wilhelmsburg in Lower Austria and looks back on a time full of deprivation. No sex before marriage, no cigarettes, no excessive alcohol consumption. No movies, books and video games where magic or violence occurs. No participation in political events. Above all: no friendships outside Jehovah's Witnesses. In August of last year Sarah Schwarz finally decides to leave the arch-conservative organization, together with her husband Daniel. "I'm not going to bed with the bad conscience every day now that God is disappointed because I have not prayed or read the Bible," says the young woman. The departure from the Jehovah's Witnesses brought Schwarz unprecedented liberties: during the federal presidential election, she took a step into a polling center, weeks later she celebrated her first Christmas and in January her first birthday celebration. "Are you really sure you want to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses?" A close relative asked her in August by SMS. The man is still a witness. He did not reply to Schwarz's reply. Since then there has been no contact - although he lives only a few streets farther. Even other relatives, who are still among the witnesses, avoid them. The family ostracism is only consistent: Witnesses of Jehovah's "can express their fundamental love, by not dealing with the excluded or dealing with him" was to be read in the "Watchtower" issue of April 2015. Unconditional loyalty required The magazine of the religious group conveys the correct interpretation of the Bible to the faithful. In practice, this means unconditional loyalty to the community, in extreme cases also to the detriment of the closest relatives. Like many disembarkants, the Black couple had to fight out of social isolation and build a new circle of friends. Jehovah's Witnesses are controversial because of human perplexity. Founded in the US at the end of the 19th century, the biblical movement is now active worldwide. The Christian organization has a membership of 21,000 in Austria and has been recognized as a religious society since 2009. If it goes to Sarah and Daniel Schwarz, this is to change. For the community not only categorically rejects blood transfusions and is extremely rigorous with ex-believers, it also indirectly keeps their members from staying away from democratic elections. This is precisely the point of explosiveness: the law for religious communities expressly stipulates a "positive basic attitude towards society and the state". Anyone who rejects elections risks the lifting of the status of recognition and thus the loss of numerous rights, from the tax exemption to confessional religious teachers. Two times a week, Sarah and Daniel Schwarz attended Bible Course and Sermon in the Kingdom Hall in the small town of Traisen in Lower Austria. There, they became acquainted with the pronounced godliness of the Jehovah's Witnesses and their individual interpretation of the Bible: the community believed in the apocalypse, the end-time battle of Armagedon. Jesus, according to expectation, will command an angels army in the near future and extinguish the earthly rule of Satan - and with it all those who are against God. Whoever does not want to be destroyed, the Word of God, that is, the Jehovah's Witnesses, fits. According to established doctrine, the war also applies to all secular governments. "Jehovah's Witnesses are expecting a divine ordination, which, of course, requires a certain distance from secular states," explains Gerald Hödl, a scholar at the Catholic Faculty of Theology at the University of Vienna. While Jehovah's Witnesses, according to their own understanding, are good citizens who pay their taxes and respect the authority. The distance to the state is nevertheless obvious: "I do not know of any active Jehovah's Witness, who would ever have chosen - and if, he would never have dared to give it open," says Aussteiger Daniel Schwarz. Officially, the refusal to vote is subtly formulated: "True Christians respect others' use of their right to vote, they do not oppose elections and stick to what the chosen popular representative decides, but they remain strictly neutral in political affairs The online library of Jehovah's Witnesses. Political abstinence Their political inactivity is derived by the witnesses from the Johannenevangelium. Jesus says there, "They (his followers, Note) are not of the world, as I am not of the world." The conclusion of the witnesses: politics and elections are terrestrial, Jehovah's Witnesses have no interest. In the November 1999 issue, the "Watchtower" became even clearer: "Those who choose an office can be blamed for what he is doing." On the other hand, the press service of the Jehovah's Witnesses justifies the commandment of political abstinence in a cryptic way: it corresponds to "the essence of modern democracies, freedom to choose or not to respect." Several commentators declare in the same way how this attitude is argued in a closed circle: "We have been told, because we have already chosen God's kingdom, we do not have to choose." In the so-called "Old Testament Book" of the Jehovah's Witnesses, a 142-page manual for the leaders of Jehovah's congregations, it is unmistakably clear that "He who joins a non-neutral organization must leave the community." Engagement in parties and NGOs is not tolerated. On the other hand, "the distance to the state is not just a negative side," says Hödl, a scholar of religions. "Jehovah's Witnesses have closed the way to national socialism." René Peknic, 52, is sitting at the dining table of his family house in Tiefenthal near Vienna. "It has fallen from my eyes like scales," he remembers the day that was to change his life. It was in December 2012, after 33 years of Jehovah's Witnesses. His bank accountant told him that she would become self-employed and will sell hygiene articles to acquaintances via direct sales in the future. The business model of the bank's employees reminded Peknic of the practices of Jehovah's Witnesses. He began to doubt and do something that is highly frowned upon within the faith community: he researched critical points on the Internet and read the book of a high-ranking descendant. "I sacrificed my life to a group with a religious mantle," he says today. "Group" based in New York The term "group" is quite appropriate. Behind the Jehovah's Witnesses is the American "Watchtower" company based in New York, which is financed by donations from its members - and by real estate proceeds. Currently, the Community relocates its location from Brooklyn to the country. The old property is to be sold in a fashionable district of New York - a value of one billion dollars. The new center is built by volunteers. Peknic, who was always working part-time in order to have enough time for the religious community, always considered his bread profession as secondary: whoever believes that the end of the world is imminent can be spared such efforts. In the 33 years among the witnesses, Peknic took him to the function of the elders of his congregation. He, too, never participated in a democratic election in all these years. "The Jehovah's Witnesses formulate this very cleverly and say: 'We are neutral.' This only shows the Janus-faculty of this organization. " Peknic and the Black family are not the first dropouts to break their silence. The Jehovah's Witnesses have a standard argument for such cases: "As mentioned above," an objective statement content can not generally be attributed ". Because former witnesses compensated their "individual failure and personal problems" by "blaming the former religious community," a spokesman for the Community said. Daniel Schwarz has no more personal problems. He likes his job, enjoys the new liberties with his wife Sarah and wants to move into a larger apartment soon. "I am looking forward to the future." This does not suffice for him, however, to see the state recognition of Jehovah's Witnesses. Shortly before Christmas, he wrote an email to the responsible cultural office. He listed his personal experiences with the religious community and hoped that he would soon be heard. The Jehovah's Witnesses have fought their official recognition in Austria since the 1970s and moved to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, which finally gave them rights in 2008. Daniel Schwarz talks about his sacking at Jehovah's Witnesses. He asked the oldest of his congregation with critical questions until they became too colorful. They invited the doubter before a denominational law committee. There, Daniel Schwarz was interrogated by three elders for three hours. In the end, they said, "We do not regard you as apostates, you are a lost son for us, we must exclude you so that you do not infect others with your poisoned spirit." In the biblical parable the lost son returns. In the case of Schwarz, this may well be doubted.

  • Danial Ernser

    I do not see the point of maintaining relationships with people. I understand that this mindset is abnormal. But I simply do not enjoy spending time with people. This is not to say that I don't like, respect, or trust some individuals. But it is to say that, given the choice, I will never voluntarily choose to spend time with someone. # Some backstory: I'm in my late twenties. I am not particularly shy. Historically, I had many friends, some closer than others, and a handful of relationships. But maybe about 3-4 years ago I decided to consciously stop being social (shut down social media, changed my phone number, etc.) and I finally started doing whatever I felt like doing instead of fulfilling social obligations. The reason for this is because I felt like I was not enjoying these relationships. The transition happened gradually, but now I'm at the point where I am not remotely social. I never speak to my former friends or even my family. Like at all. Not even once per year. Completely shut off. I find my life to be easier without others in it. This was supposed to be a temporary experiment, but I realized that I liked this state so much, that it is now the default. I'm not complaining, to be clear. I don't feel lonely, or isolated, or upset. I'm just writing this so I can get others' thoughts, either from people out there in my shoes or people that think they can help me understand myself better. The extent of every social interaction that I have nowadays is some variation of, "Hi. How's your day been? Great."    # The reason **why** I want to have no meaningful relationships in my life: The root of the problem is that I don't enjoy socializing. What does a relationship consist of, mostly? Well, talking. Socializing is the backbone of every relationship. I don't like small talk. I also dislike talking about myself and my life because I don't think my life is eventful. Please note, I'm entirely happy living an uneventful life; I just don't see the point in talking about it. I don't like talking about someone else's life because I probably don't think their life is all that interesting, either. Okay, so we talk about this album that we both like or that tenet of Freud that we both find interesting. I may be mildly interested but I become uninterested after a few minutes. Even speaking about things that interest me seems to be a chore after a little while. So the main reason why I don't spend time with people is simply that I don't find socializing enjoyable. One way to put this is like so: I have only ever felt boredom when I am with other people. While alone, I have never once—in my entire life—been bored. I understand that for many people, it's the opposite. I don't enjoy going to restaurants, bars, concerts, parties, etc. You would never know this about me, because I generally like to appear happy and pleasant. E.g., if I am spending time with somebody, they would think that I am enjoying it, because I don't want them to think I don't like spending them with them personally. I know that I sound like a total buzzkill. It's not so much that I dislike doing those things, as much as I would rather be doing other things. What I do enjoy doing are simple hobbies. Everything that I enjoy doing falls into one of four categories. * Analyzing & appreciating art: Listening to music, playing music, reading screenplays, reading novels, watching films. * Education: Reading non-fiction books (on economics, sociology, psychology, English grammar, history, art theory, audio recording, basic philosophy, government policy, and random how-to books), reading news articles, studying Wikipedia entries, watching documentaries. * Exercising creativity: Writing music, writing poetry, writing (screenplays, fictional stories), photography. * Life simplification: Home improvement, home repair, DIY projects, cleaning or organizing my living area, programming basic automation scripts, analyzing data that I collect about myself in order to maximize my efficiency. Now that I currently have zero real relationships, 100% of my free time is devoted to the activities listed above. I love it. I think the other root of the problem, separate from not enjoying socializing, is that I place a very low value on "experiences," which I understand most people live for. I have no desire to seek "experiences" out. For example, I don't have any desire to travel. I have lived my entire life in the same city in which I was born. While I characterize myself as a very curious person, that curiosity does not extend to travel. (I have travelled many times before, from neighboring cities to distant continents. I just found it to be kind of stressful and not very enjoyable. The whole point of travel is it's supposed to serve as a form of vacation, but it didn't feel relaxing to me.) # Some of you may think that I am a freak of nature. I'll preemptively respond to expected inquiries: *"Do you ever get lonely?"* I have no idea what loneliness feels like, because I've never felt it. The definition of loneliness is "sadness because one has no friends or company." Why would having no company make someone sad? There are so many things you could be doing without any company! What are you waiting for?! *"Why go completely cold-turkey? There is a nice middle ground where you can have minimal interactions and a couple relationships, instead of absolutely nothing at all."* You may not realize the extent of this, but every relationship in one's life requires great subconscious and conscious real estate in your mind. While it may not be "stress" in the sense of working overtime at the office, it is "stress" in the sense that you are expending energy on something. For me, that "something" does not really offer me any sort of pleasure in return, and freeing up my mind has allowed me to spend more time on hobbies that I do find rewarding. *"What are your life goals? What are you trying to accomplish? Where do you see yourself in 10, 20, 30 years? How do you view the meaning of life? Don't you want to start a family and everything else that most normal people have or desire to have?"* I don't have any desire to be married, or even be in a romantic relationship. Considering how much effort it requires, how little I think I would enjoy it, and how there are no real getaways for years and years of childrearing (if you wanted to do a good job, of course), I don't have any desire to have kids. Which is good...because of my whole no-desire-for-a-spouse thing. I don't really care about acquiring a surplus of money at the expense of my free time. I would absolutely hate fame. Hence, I do not identify with the ideology of careerism. I guess my "life goal" is simply to find inner peace. Being alone accomplishes this.    # Now, I will speak to common assumptions and possible theories: I am obviously an introvert. Loners get a bad rap. People jump to conclusions about loners. Allow me to clarify some of my feelings a bit further: * I do not hold hateful or distasteful views about humans and society. * I do not feel some sort of remorse or bitterness towards others for my being alone—it is solely and deliberately caused by my actions. * I also do not feel that I am "above" anyone else and I'm too "good" or "smart" to spend my time with them. *"You spend all your time alone, because you are socially inept."* I have fine social skills. Maybe not perfect, but I am definitely not socially inept. I don't feel awkward in conversation. I don't put my foot in my mouth. I generally get along with almost everyone. Again, I've made many friends in my life and generally have done so with ease. I just don't enjoy it, that's all. *"You just haven't met people you truly like, or can relate to. You have to find the "right" people for you, which may be harder to find."* I've met kind, smart, funny, interesting people, people that I've got along with great and people I've had a lot in common with, and I do not have a desire to form any sort of real bond with them. I don't appreciate the value and benefits of having people in my life, in the way that everyone else seems to do, irrespective of how compatible I am with someone. *"Spending that much time alone will result in you developing sociopathic, violent, or immoral views. Your way of life is unhealthy."* I don't really see why it is unhealthy. If I am happy, and as long as I display respect for and kindness towards others, I don't see the problem. Despite being emotionally detached from any and all of my personal relationships, I am a very sensitive and positive person. I don't believe that I have somehow become cold and mean-spirited by not spending time with others. That's not how my brain works. I mean, for God's sake, I downloaded a browser extension several years ago that automatically hides all YouTube comments. That's how much I hate bullying, negativity, cruelty, bigotry, and incivility. I am not the typical person you might think of as being a "loner." *"You're a narcissist. You are completely obsessed with yourself."* Every human is motivated by self-interest. I am no more narcissistic or selfish than any extrovert. Why does an extrovert spend time with others? Because they personally enjoy it. Why is that intrinsically holier than spending time alone because one happens to enjoy that? Anybody who charges me with NPD does not fully understand the traits and actions of someone with NPD.

  • Alta Smitham

    It's hard for the unaffiliated to believe any of this stuff, but it's amazing how the more you focus on your goal and steadfastly work toward it the more mind-bending and life-changing experiences you will have. We're very happy to see you make the journey for yourself! I think the most important tip is to keep your dream alive. I'm a lot younger than you so my monkey mind has had trouble focusing on one goal, so maybe you won't have these troubles, but it's important that you express your reasons for wanting to experience this, and reading astral projection literature helped me stay excited even when I wasn't getting results in the beginning. Here's some quick tips: 1. Best time to practice astral projection is in the morning. If you do it at night, you are usually tired from your daily activities and unable to exert the necessary focus. When you become an experienced astral traveler, you can project any time you like. 2. Always know what you want to do, where you want to go or whom you want to meet before you astral project. 5. Remove all jewelry, wrist watches and similar before astral projection. Wear light clothing or none at all. 6. Never allow fear to overwhelm you. Whatever happens, keep your mind calm and stay in control of your thoughts, emotions, and acts. Fear is opposite to love. If you are under pressure of fear, there is a bigger possibility to visit the lower astral. If you rise your vibrations of unconditional love, you will visit higher astral where amazing worlds, sights, and beings exist. 7. Read books and other materials on astral traveling. Another's personal experiences may help you to learn many useful things about this phenomenon. 12. When you achieve your first astral projection, stay where you are for the first 10 minutes in order to learn to command your astral body/flying; after that, you can explore your neighborhood, your dream country destination, other worlds and galaxies, and other dimensions/planes. 13. Use strong mental commands when you want to achieve something in the astral plane. For example, “Go to the Moon” or “To Moon, now!” In a matter of seconds, you will be there. 14. Also, make sure you give precise commands. If you, for instance, say, “I want to travel in the past” it may not be clear enough. 15. When you are in the astral realm, you cannot communicate with people in the physical world. The vibrational level of these two dimensions is different. It, however, may happen in very rare occasions, when a person from the physical world has some “paranormal” abilities. 18. Remember that there is no real danger. If you are faced with some unpleasant event or inhabitant of the astral plane you can immediately return to your physical body. 19. I have heard a lot about astral guides, entities that guide you along the cosmos, but I have not personally found mine (nor have I really pursued this). If you wish to find yours, first make sure it is your real guide — you will just feel it. Be very grateful to your guide, show deep respect and trust his recommendations and teachings. Now for a few more in-field tips: * The method that has given me the most success is the WBTB (wake back to bed) method, where you fall asleep normally and wake up in between a REM cycle (REM cycle = rapid eye movement cycle; each REM cycle is 90 minutes long and waking up in between these will grant you less grogginess when you awake). I personally sleep for 4 hours and 30 minutes or 6 hours, then wake up and stay awake for 20 minutes. How long you need to stay awake before you lay back down is dependent on you; some only need 5 minutes, others need an hour. Basically, you need to fully wake yourself up so you won't fall back asleep as soon as you hit the bed. It's recommended that you don't look at any screens during this time. What I personally do is get a glass of water or tea, do a couple sets of push ups, and then read for the next ten minutes a fictional book so I can start my imagination moving, but really you can do whatever you want. Just experiment with how much time is best for you. * It's important to note that sleep paralysis should not be your goal but instead just a symptom of projecting. Basically, sleep paralysis is very good but it's not 100% necessary to project, so don't let it hold you back if you're having trouble reaching it. * When you are trying to project, do not scratch any itches or the such. Instead of describing this myself, I'll steal someone else's explanation: "I DO NOT MOVE no matter what happens, I try to keep my eyes fixed behind my closed eyelids as well. You will Most likely start to feel random itches, it's one of you body's signals of "Hey dude, if you're still awake, scratch this" Keep still. You'll most likely feel like like the position of you body is uncomfortable, or that your pillow feels to hard. Another of the body's signal Among the last signals your body will send out before it goes to sleep, disconnects the muscles so you don't act out you dreams, and goes into paralysis is either a powerful sense of boredom or a "roll-over" feeling. If you've kept still all this time your body should have begun feeling numb, you might not feel the blanket/cloths on you or you legs, or maybe you can't feel your hands. These are all good signs, but you're not paralyzed yet. By this time you might also have started seeing random flashes of colors/sounds/smells/ other senses. Sleep paralysis for me, when I know I have it or getting it, is when I start to feel like an odd kind of electrical buzz in my head and shortly followed by this it will feel like there's an earthquake/having electricity going though me by the buzzing and if I try to move I can't. It's not at all painful, but it is powerful. *The last piece that had to fall into place before I was able to project were these three paragraphs I'll post. The part about losing awareness of your physical body is essential; personally I can only project once I have forgotten about my physical body. "How long does it take? It depends on how much time & effort you are willing to put into it. When I first started attempting astral projection, I would be on & off with it for months & hardly putting any real effort into it. One day I got sick & tired of not succeeding & so I wrote down a goal to achieve it within a month. Then I took it far more seriously & started meditating more & reading more & practicing more. From the time I set that goal I had my first OBE within 2 weeks. But prior to that I had been failing miserably for months due to not putting enough effort into it. You really have commit yourself to it. And it's different for everyone. What techniques are there? There are hundreds of techniques (maybe even thousands), but the technique is hardly important. The most important thing of all is your state of mind. You have to get into the state of mind where you believe 100% that you will succeed. Meditation, affirmations & self hypnosis can help with that. Lose the ego & detach yourself from meaningless earthly everyday activities when you are attempting projection. What technique should I try? As you go to bed at night set the alarm clock to go off in a few hours time (if you know how to program your subconscious mind to wake you up at certain times than do that instead). I personally program my subconscious mind to wake my conscious mind up about 3 or 4 hours after I've fallen asleep. Though you can do it anywhere between 1 & 7 hours, whatever works for you, experiment with it. Give yourself positive affirmations as you dose off: 'I will have an OBE tonight' etc. After you've woken up you should still be very tired. This is a good thing as you want to put your body back to sleep ASAP. Don't move much after you have woken (some get up & stay awake for a short time than lay back down & attempt an OBE, but for me I attempt it straight away, that works for me). Immediately go into a deep meditative state through meditative breathing. While breathing in feel like your body is sinking down into the bed. While breathing out feel like you're becoming lighter & lighter & feel as though you are floating. Now try to lose your awareness of your physical body. Try to minimize the input from your 5 main senses & focus inwardly. Be in a passive state of mind. Lose the ego. Do not think, keep strong emotions at bay. Try to feel your awareness altering & raising in frequency. Feel as though you have no physical body, only an energy body. Feel yourself as an energy body vibrating & increase the vibrational feeling by focusing on it & only it. Do not think, just feel yourself letting go of this world. Hopefully your body will have fallen asleep & your mind will still be awake, and with the vibrations present simply will yourself out." * The above is but one individuals success, you may find his interpretation too spiritual, so give it your all and if it doesn't work, look for something else (just be aware that even this slight doubt could hold you back greatly). Those are some pretty basic tricks, but there's also a lot just on this sub-reddit, in books, and all over the internet that will aid you in your journey. You are never alone. If you wish, we will always be here to clear anything up for you. So, good luck! (: I would really love to hear your accomplishments, keep me updated! And sorry for the wall of text, I just want you to be as prepared as possible! Knowledge is power my friend.

  • Tyshawn Schumm

    I can absolutely understand where you coming big from when you say: >...[animal rights activists] have no way of knowing that other animals are conscious other than the usual pseudoscience and their blatant anthropomorphizing. I know a lot of people who approach the issue of animal rights in this way and it saddens me. For example, many animal rights activists used to be opposed to abortion in a way that didn't weigh the life of the mother or the quality of life for the kid and that used pseudoscientific definitions of life akin to the way the old Catholic Church used to. Similarly, many don't have an understanding of suffering, self-awareness, and other such phenomenon being both degree and all critical to the question of animal rights. For example, analysis of Dolphin brains have shown them to nearly as socially conscious and emotionally-rich as humans, while it's highly questionable the degree to which a bivalve even feels pain. Some animal rights advocates would regard them as moral equivalents. This is utterly ridiculous and it disturbs and saddens me. I also agree with you when you say that if you built a computer that merely respected our rights, then it would not be moral because of how it acted. By that logic plants respect our rights by their inability to do anything to infringe upon them. I think however that I might have given the wrong impression. With the examples of ants, bonobos, monkeys, and such, I was not trying to argue that they should have rights for the reasons given, it was more to get at that those who can respect rights get them being the basis of rights leads you to some strange conclusions rather than the somewhat intuitive "all moral agents are humans" it's intended to cover. Similarly, though you don't like how some animal rights activists can be pseudoscientific, I think some of your claims read a tad pseudoscientific. For one, and correct me if I'm wrong because we're in territory where nuances add up, you believe that the experience of beauty means that there is something immaterial that experiences it, correct? And you don't believe that animals have similar experiences? I believe this is incorrect. First of all, I think we need to be careful with the use of the word "immaterial" (which is the wording you used). Nearly time we've gotten to extensively study the brain we've been able to associate any cognitive process with a biochemical process, and often the biochemical process precedes awareness of the cognitive process. This is true of traditional aesthetic experiences and even religious experiences like the mental states reached in meditation or trance which have been studied by neuroscientists. Regardless of where you stand on the Man-in-the-Machine debate, as long as we accept that science has demonstrated that biochemical processes and structures, mental processes and experiences, and behavior are all intimately linked such that demonstrated two of the three can suffice to infer the third (so, if we observe behavior and biochemical process and structures in humans, we can infer the presence of mental states). This what's know as the Argument by Analogy. If you don't accept that basic premise, then there are a lot of issues to address as this is part of how we know humans experience pain scientifically. Furthermore, this idea has predictive power. We've been able to develop and test hypothesis about what causes what kind of cognitive experiences and how to alter them it through this biochemistry+behavior=cognition method in humans for example with help of self-reporting of cognitive states, and this idea has had predictive power that would be hard to explain away. You'd lose medical advances, psychological, and neurological advances if you denied this model. Since you seem to take a stance against pseudoscience, I'm going to continue working on the premise that this premise (with behavior+biochemistry we can infer cognition) to you for the remainder of this comment but correct me if I'm mistaken. Now, let's get back to animals. On the basis of behavioral and biochemical evidence, what cognitive processes and states do animals have? Certainly Cetaceans and Great Apes have very similar social, emotional, and cognitive processes because of physiological, biochemical, and behavioral similarities. There is evidence of mourning, empathy, a sense of right and wrong, complex communication, and abstract understanding. There are indications these may evens have culture (practices pass on to generations via teaching). Elephants are certain not far from them as well. We can be almost certain that nearly mammals feel pain. Pain is importantly different from nocioception, an automatic response which is not necessarily linked to the feeling of pain. We can distinguish pain from nocioception by noting the difference between them in humans on a behavioral, biochemical, and physiological level in humans and looking for these differences in animals. On this basis, most research indicates that nearly all mammals almost certainly experience pain. Many 'higher' mammals do have emotional/social bonds and emotional states even if they're less complex or pronounced than Great Apes and such, particularly the good ones (cows, pigs, and sheep). Similar research shows that it's likely that all vertebrates experience pain. Definitely some of them are going to have a less pronounced experienced of pain then say a cow, pig, or sheep, but they do suffer nonetheless. Select invertebrates likely experience pain as well, though again less so than like a snake or mouse, which is less so than a cow or pig, and so on. Now, the more speculative components are whether there are more invertebrates like whether certain bivalves or insects experience pain. There are select studies which indicate they could, but the field needs more research and we cannot be sure. Outside of the kingdom Animalia, there is no evidence that anything experiences pain (though some things outside it may experience nocioception), no reason to suspect they would, and we have little to no tools intellectual to even tackle the subject with because the argument by analogy breaks down. Anyways, that scale roughly weighs out my moral concerns. I respect the rights of anything to it's social wellbeing to the degree it has social bonds. I respect the rights of anything to it's emotional wellbeing to the degree it has emotional states. I want to minimize the suffering I cause to anything to the degree that it can suffer. I want to help push things in that direction socially and culturally to the degree that I can. This is why I've decided to stop eating meat (as long as no health concerns prevent me), and this is why I decided to avoid animal products (leather and down for example). I've also decided to not consume other animal products that from what I understand necessitate animal cruelty in less obvious ways (dairy, eggs, wool for example). I used to be a huge meat lover, in particular if you're at all familiar with Pittsburgh when I was there I would always eat Primanti's. Loved burgers, steaks, and everything (medium rare always). Then, I learned more about how animals feel, and decided to try being vegetarian for a few days to start, and I wanted to at least half my meat intake if nothing else. Then, I realized despite how tasty meat was to me, it wasn't that hard. So, I went vegan. It hasn't been long, but I still am. I feel better physically and emotionally. I don't judge anyone for making a different choice. My partner decided her meat intake and I'm proud she wants to try that, not mad she isn't doing more. I understand some people may need meat in their diet for health reasons, predators included addressing your point about lions not caring about the wildebeest. I own pet and there's nothing wrong with that. I just want to understand how to minimize suffering, to help others understand how to minimize suffering, to do my best to minimize suffering, and to help others to do their best to minimize suffering. If it's up your alley they are ecological reasons to make similar decisions as well, and they reinforce my choice. I can present that too if you're interested. Here's a publication from a national organization on pain in vertebrates, particularly from "What is Pain?" Through "Do Vertebrates Experience Pain?" is what I was referencing: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK32655/ Here's a declaration affirmed by various cognitive scientists that animals do experience consciousness, look up more about the meeting and the scientists if you like: https://web.archive.org/web/20131109230457/http://fcmconference.org/img/CambridgeDeclarationOnConsciousness.pdf I'll try and dig up some of the research in cetaceans, primates, elephants, pigs, cows, sheep, and such for you as well.

  • Derrick Beahan

    DMT man. Scary, strange, oddly wonderful stuff. Bought half a g when SR was still a thing. It was some off white, pretty clean stuff. Bought my first meth bulb, and just kinda played with it, never got a full break through. Got the vibrations. Lots of neato aztec-ish overlay. Waving carpet, little head space. But since it's so short acting you don't really see what all the fuss is about till you get to hyperspace. Decide I cheated myself by not getting a full experience, some time has passed since my first go around. I don't really wanna use SR again, always seemed sketchy and using it too frequently just seemed like one of those things where greed catches up to you. But anyway, decided I cheated myself, want a full experience, don't wanna buy from onion land, decide I'm gonna extract my own. And I could write a whole other 1000 word post about that but i'll save ya some eye pain. I extracted a kilo of root bark, ended up with 7 grams of yellowishy, alkaloid filled, what i'm gonna call jungle spice. Generally pure white is considered just DMT, but the yellowy, orangey, tanish, whatever you've seen, colored stuff contains some of the other actives from whatever natural source it was extracted from, and picked up the moniker Jungle Spice. If i'd have cleaned it a couple more times I could have obtained purer product, but for sake of patience and loss of weight I decided against it. Plus, the tribes that have been using it for thousands of years in it's non-extracted form weren't getting just DMT, and I wanted what they got. And I don't know if that had everything to do with my experience, but I believe asking for what they got, might have been a bite bigger than I could chew. Not gonna play this go around, no meth bulb this time, made me feel like a fucking dope head anyway.(If you read 90% of my other comments, the irony is palpable.) Take a metal weed pipe, freshly cleaned, new screen, layer of tobacco, WAY TOO MUCH DMT, easy .4-.5, and top it with another layer of tobacco. (this way the fire didn't destroy all of my DMT, and supposedly tobacco smoke acts as a mild MAOI which can intensify the experience.) Loaded, ready to go, late night watching tv after hanging out all day smoking weed psyching myself up for the experience. Ready to meet gnomes. Put a rubber grommet on the bowl's mouth piece so it could be used in a bong.(sorry, water pipe, =P) I start Disney's Aladdin because I thought it could be pretty trippy. Yeah. Make it through credits, movie actually starts. Turn off fluorescent lights, turn on Christmas lights. Sit down on my bed. This is it. Here we go. I take a huge rip from the bong of doom, lungs full before I pull the slide to clear, exhale, pull slide, clear, exhale, replace slide, and as read, was going to repeat until I "felt" something. Assured i'd definitely know. It only took one more full rip before I got the vibrations. And I hadn't cleared it yet. Quick exhale, clear bong, vibrations getting more intense, quickly set it down. Arms are shaking a bit. Already Aztec patterns on everything. Lay back on my bed. Exhale. Uh-oh. The vibrations continued to intensify, originally feeling like they were inside me, just a light buzz from a body massager that the power was quickly being turned up on, until it felt like I was in a car on a rough road, accelerating ever faster, until it felt like a full blown magnitude 10 earthquake in my very soul. All the while, the Aztec overlay on everything is darkening in opaqueness, and feels like it's getting closer to my vision, like i'm leaning in to get a better look at a book, but it was getting closer to me instead. Until my room wasn't visible anymore. Everything was this giant, moving, ever changing, kaleidoscopic, Aztecan ornamental blanket, still some how growing closer, and now felt as though I was in an area much bigger than my old house possibly could have been. But it was beautiful, and amazing. And then in a flash of light everything stopped. Darkness. Nothing. I was everything only seconds before, and now felt as though i was nothing. No vision at all. No sense of self. It wasn't like, a depressing feeling though. I don't think things like that even made sense. It was nice. Everything just....was. And then it flashed again. And everything that I lost about myself, returned, and I remembered me. But now I was laying on a glass floor, looking down on my room, like an overhead POV. And I seen me. I was still laying in my bed not moving. But my mom, brother, and my neighbor (who is a trained paramedic/fireman) are standing around me. I can hear them talking. " Is he going to be ok?" my mom asked, "I can't say for sure. We have no idea what he took."( if there was much else said, I can't recollect it. But those 2 sentences had a big effect at this time. I quit hiding and lying about experimenting with stuff aside from weed. I made sure someone aside from me knew what I was taking) And another flash. I'm in what FELT, like it was a library, but there were no bookshelves, or books for that matter. It's super hard to explain how something "feels" like a library, but that is the best words can do. This place existed extra dimensionally. The library itself had a finite area, but approaching one of the walls that looked like T.V. snow only resulted in it getting further away. This is the part that felt the longest because I just kept chasing the walls. But eventually I "felt" like I was making progress. I was definitely getting near something. An anomaly on one the boarders caught my eye and I started towards it. Originally just a speck was getting bigger. I had to be getting closer. I "felt" it. And I was. As I got closer, whatever it was that caught my eye, I could now tell it *seemed* humanoid at least. But it was gray, like the walls here. Finally. I was there. Now, I was going to figure out why this was the longest stage of my own personal, psychedelia induced Dantes inferno. I know that sounds suspenseful, and it felt like it the whole time I was building towards some great universal problem solving conclusion. But it was simpler than that apparently. If what I learned was correct. It felt like this was the corner of the library. If I would have tried, i'm pretty sure I could have touched the wall here. But I wasn't worried about that. The gray humanoid form that had no features from afar, now resembled a life size stress doll. One of those ones that you squeeze and the eyes, nose, mouth, and ears pop out on. It didn't talk. I don't know if it could. I didn't talk, because I didn't know what to do. And instantly ,somehow, again I was overcome with another incredibly hard to explain feeling. But, it felt like it was my deceased father. (he had passed away almost a year before this) After that sudden emotion, another eternity passed. And then, suddenly, I felt like I was being pulled backwards incredibly fast. Instantly miles away from the humanoid being that "felt" like he was my dad. I passed through a boarder of the library. Outside of the library was that pure, calming, emptiness again. But this time I still knew me. I remembered everything. As the gray glow of the library got further away, vision left me. Suddenly, I "felt" like I was thrown back into my reality. Kindly enough, they even got me back in my bedroom, and on my bed. Oddly enough, this was accompanied by physically bouncing on my back on my bed. I rolled around, and writhed in my bed. The intense visual overlay, from the first part of this experience, was back. But now seemed to be getting further away, and becoming more translucent, until I could actually see that I was in my room. My hands kept running all over my body, and I kept rubbing my face back and forth across my mattress. It felt like I was zonked on MDMA. Huge amount of euphoria. Everything feels amazing. And suddenly I was in control again. I'll call it conscious. I stopped writhing, and the MDMA like feeling died. And the visuals on my mattress stopped moving, and returned to where they go when our time together is up. I sat up in bed, astounded and horrified. There were some involuntary verbalizations. I heard myself saying fucking wow, or holy shit while I rocked back and forth trying to process everything. Aladdin was almost over, so this was definitely more than a 15 minute trip. It has been called the business mans hallucinogen, because you could trip out on lunch, and be back in time to return safely to work. I would NOT have been returning to work. I look back at it fondly now, still processing some of the stuff. But it scared me shitless at the time. I truly, at that point, had real respect, admiration, and so many more questions for hallucinogens. And a lot more consideration to doses of them. Not sure if that was the main contributing factor to my wild ride, but just glad DMT is as short acting as it is. I couldn't imagine that having lasted 8 hours. Or getting found comatose like in the trip, suddenly coming back, and having to process the trip, AND explain wtf I was doing. tl;dr: DMT IS NUCKING FUTS. And methamphetamine will allow you to recollect very vivid details, then convey it as a billion word comment(which, few to no people will read), on a comment, (which I don't remember the content of, sorry bud, i'll reread.) on a post I forgot why I clicked. If you actually made it this far, thank you! And congratulations. We can now be friends.

  • Jaden Leuschke

    > I'm not entirely sure you're using the word "axiom" correctly. My background is mathematical, but the word "axiom" is frequently used (at least in a number of books I have read) in philosophy. I'm using this definition: > a statement or proposition that is regarded as being established, accepted, or self-evidently true. The key word here is "regarded" in that, in order to argue, you must start with some agreed upon facts. So, since that position is a basic tenant of what I (and most organized denominations of Christianity) believe and we are working with Christianity as the assumption in the argument. > There is no conceivable way you can argue that this is true in the case of God defining morality .... I don't need humanity to agree with me. I just need Christianity to agree with me. I feel like this is not carrying over to you: the argument assumes Christianity. > ... which implies your axiom is neither self-evident nor universal. Except in the case of Christians, where it is both. I think you're having a hard time assuming the Christian position to reason the rest of it out. I understand that you are not a Christian and so do not believe these things, but the question was about what Christians think. > Using the word "axiom" is simply a method to avoid having to establish your premise. That makes is sound like you think I'm trying to "get away" with something. I'm not. I'm saying that Christians use this as an axiom. If you don't like "axiom" read "assumption" if the lighter weight of this word feels better to you, but don't let it change what I mean: Christians start with the believe that this is true, and that plays into why Christians think what they think. > Are you trying to make things complicated for no reason? I'm honestly not. I'm trying to find common ground. I really do believe that you're giving God the quality of being an "observer" when this is not the case, or at least is only the smallest part of the case. Christians believe that God is the source of the code, not an observer that views the code externally: this is relevant. > Well, then your starting place is completely absurd. > Even if God did exist and is the origin of all reality, it does not follow that he is not an observer. > This needs to be expanded; something that counter-intuitive cannot simply be asserted. I am not an observer of myself in the same way that I am an observer of other things, since I also am myself. While you could say that I observe myself in certain ways, we would both agree I think that I observe myself in a way that is completely unique and it would be fair to argue that I'm not an observer of myself in the same way that others are. God's moral code is not something He thought up and handed down: it is a revelation of the character of God. In this way, God is not an observer of the moral code in the way that you and I are. The point here is objective versus subjective morals. Key to this concept is the assertion that when there are no "observers" present, the thing in question must still exist to be considered objective. From the Christian perspective, when you remove all the observers, you're still left with God here because God's moral code is a quality God has, not a list of statements that God can observe. God is unique in this respect. > So clearly belief in God is not an axiom. > What logic? All you've said is that "I believe God exists, therefore God defines morality." This is an assertion. I'm trying here and it seems you're getting frustrated. Let me try it more formally: > Why do many Christians ... believe that morality is exclusive to the religiously devout? - 1. Christians believe God exists (assertion, axiom, whatever makes you happy) - 2. God's moral code is a reflection of who God is (exegesis, so axiomatic for Christians) - 3. (2) implies the moral code is part of God, not something God created - 4. (3) implies God's moral code could not have created other than how it is. - 5. (1) and (4) imply that God's moral code exists objectively. This is not ridiculous. What if I asked you, "What is the oldest secret you have that you are completely certain no one else knows?" This has an objective answer. But if you don't exist, it is a nonsense question. You are an "observer" here, but you are also part of the think we are talking about, so you cannot be removed. The objective nature of the thing does not change. > Belief in God is not axiomatic under any definition of the word. I hope you're able to see that if the argument we are having is in the context of what Christians think, then yes, God is axiomatic. > If God said taking two eggs from four eggs left you with three eggs, would that alter the axiom? This is the kind of thing that doesn't get us anywhere. You're only asking this because you believe that a belief in God makes no sense. By definition, God does not lie and cannot be wrong. And yes, many of the answers here are simply: "that is what God means." You don't believe in God, so it is reasonable that you don't think these things. But for those who do, they make sense. > Humans have instincts regarding morality. By instinct, you mean an evolved "mental circuit" that leads to survival of the herd, for instance? > For example, humans are favorable towards fairness, and disfavorable towards cheating. I agree. I think this comes from a different source, but I do agree that this is absolutely the case. > If there's anyone out there that genuinely enjoys being duped, I've never heard of them. I don't think I'm asking too much though to presume that there are people with alternative moral codes (maybe there are some people who love cheating and while they do not enjoy being cheated, they think the cheater was "fair" in the sense that they were beaten. I've met these kind of people for sure.) The case here is that a person has a different idea of what moral should be that is not like your moral code. So, why is your moral code better than their moral code? Either their moral code is subjective, and your moral code is no better then theirs, leaving it as a matter of opinion, or you are appealing to an argument in favor of the most popular moral code being the best. But I don't think this is what you mean at all. I think you mean that your moral code is really better in some sense. The basic principle of "do unto others" is based on the idea that we have a sense of empathy with our group, whatever that is. But even if everyone did follow this principle, why is it better? Why is it not better for me to use the fact that everyone else is acting in my best interests to exploit this fact? (I know why I think it is better, but why do you?) The only other way I can reason out your moral code being "better" is in a utilitarian sense to make society better. But this gets me no closer to knowing why anyone should want to make society better. C. S. Lewis gives an example where he talks about a soldier joining the army to fight. This makes no sense. You could die or be hurt badly and you get no reward for yourself. The only rewards are things that help others. But if I'm dead, how will this help me at all? You can try to tie me to the future with things like friend and family and children but if I'm an orphan who can't have children and etc, what reason do I have to sacrifice for others? There's no utilitarian value here and there's no way I can profit from the herd survival after I'm dead. Whence comes my moral imperative to join the fray? > Let's imagine that tomorrow you receive indisputable proof that God does not exist. I understand this question, and I'm going to answer it, but I want to point out first that is has no use at all in the point of the big argument here concerning why Christians think what they think. If there's no God then it makes no difference what they think. Next, I want to tell you that I hate answering hypothetical questions in general and specifically those that involve really big things. I find that in real life, I rarely ever do what I think I will when something huge happens. You might think of yourself as cowardly in general and then the first time someone threatens your kid you turn into Wolverine. Saying what you would do in a situation you've never been in is hopeless: you can say what you think or hope you would at best. > If you had this evidence, would you no longer believe the pointless torture of children was wrong? I hope I would have the empathy that regardless of the moral code I would want to stop such a thing. I'm not sure the moral imperative comes into it at all. In reality, it would probably not matter all that much. I might think it was "bad" in some way but if it didn't effect me, I probably would not do much about it. When I was an "inactive" Christian years ago, my morals were much more purely utilitarian. If I allow someone else to be tortured, then what reason do I have to think that I or someone who impacts me would not be tortured. I think this is the much more realistic situation that we have in our reality. People act with almost entirely utilitarian moral drivers. I'm sure I would be no different. At the same time, I would admit that my moral code was subjective entirely. I can say this with some certainty because it is how I though back then.

  • Shyanne Lakin

    Gorss responded to Musial in the same volume. He opens by arguing that his source selection and findings are in fact in-line with the Polish National Institute of Remembrance, an organization Musial used to criticizes Gross. Gross: > Endowed with such a degree of self-awareness concerning requisites of sound scholar- ship, without batting an eye, Musiał ignores the findings of a more than yearlong, intense, and scrupulous investigation by the IPN that renders all his central claims vacuous. He continues: > A general, overarching strategy of Musiał’s approach is to “pull a switch job” on his readers. The maneuver comes in several variations, but its effect is always meant to be the same—to sideline and avoid the real issues presented in Neighbors. At times Musiał sets me up as an advocate of something patently wrong, or plain silly, that I never argued. And then he has a field day ridiculing or correcting, as the case may be, a figment of his own imagination. > > At other times he will impute to me methods or procedures that I have never used, and scold me for what I did not do. The other general principle underlying this genre of writing is to pick a detail or a side issue, often unrelated to Neighbors and introduced by vague or arbitrary association, and to harp on it in the hope that such “critical remarks” will somehow invalidate the entire story in the mind of a reader. Gorss makes the point that many of the allegations Musial levels at him are based on a serious, and potentially malicious, misreading of what he writes. Where Musial alleges a person Gorss cites was a witness at the trial, Gross shows that this is wrong. Where Musial says that the testimony used by Gross is unreliable because the people who gave it alleged violence, Gross responds: > Musiał questions the validity of information derived from the proceedings of the 1949 Łomz ̇a trial because it was held during Stalinist times. (...) I showed that defendants’ testimonies, dissatisfying in all kinds of ways, cannot be portrayed as having been extracted during interrogation with a view to enabling the prosecution to prove a politically predetermined point. But because defendants changed their self-incriminating testimonies during the trial and stated that they were beaten during interrogation, Musiał concludes that they had been intimidated. > > From several important interviews published in Gazeta Wyborcza we know that an overbearing pressure to change incriminating testimonies was indeed exercised on people involved in the trial at the time, but . . . by their neighbors. Renegade remnants of the wartime nationalist underground, as readers of Neighbors well know, tried to kill the Jedwabne Jews saved by Antonia Wyrzykowska. (...) The secret police were far away in Łomza, and the neighbors—right there. They didn’t fear anybody as much as they feared their neighbors. Further, he argues – in line with my own reading of the historical situation – that there simply was no Stalinist interest in 1949 to portray Jews as victims through such a trial. Concerning Musial's criticism of the use of survivors as sources, Gross responds: > There is more nonsense of this kind. I write, “[T]here were no reasons whatsoever for Jews, in their recollection of Shoah episodes they experienced and witnessed, to attribute to Poles those crimes that were in reality perpetrated by the Germans” (25–26). And Musiał portrays this as “[Gross] also maintains that there is no reason to suspect Jewish survivors of concocting false accusations against Poles . . . This would mean that Holocaust survivors have either managed to completely rid themselves of any negative emotions, such as prejudice or desire for revenge, or that they never harbored them in the first place.” The logicof this assertion is completely unfathomable. > > I am glad to know that Musiał believes Jews are only human, and I fully share his opinion in this respect. But I do not “maintain” what he claims I do. My claim is narrow: I say there is no reason for the Jewish victims of the Holocaust to deliberately blame the Poles for crimes perpetrated by the Germans. And so on. As you can see, while Gross work has been generally received positively, within the context of Poland it has stirred massive debate and exchanges such as the above, which I highly recommend for reading, if only for reasons of learning how historians are able to tear into each other. In general, Gross work is regarded as solid though I am sure some minor problems could be found. One thing that it lead to and to which I alluded before is the creation of a rather unfortunate dichotomy when it comes to discussions among scholars of WWII Poland, especially those with ties to Poland: The distinction between Jewish and Polish historians dealing with the subject, mostly with the implication that "Jewish scholars" are too critical of Poland in the war years. Gross, despite the fact that he was born and raised in Poland to a mother who was part of the AK during the war and a father who was Jewish and in the Socialist Party (thus not practicing Judaism), is regarded as on "the "Jewish" side of this debate. This trend is even noticeable in recent literature. Halik Kochanski in her otherwise excellent book *The Eagle Unbowed* about Polish experiences of WWII mentions Gross only at the end of her book sums up her assessment as > Gross' book has been criticized for his failure to use German material, which allegedly lead him to underplay the German encouragement of the massacre, and furthermore for entirely ignoring the question of Jewish collaboration both with the Soviets and with the Germans. It was, nonetheless, a milestone in the discussion of this terrible subject [referring to Polish collaboration in WWII] Kochanski's summation here falls short in my opinion. First of all, Musial's criticism went much further than what Kochanski presents here and when reviewing the rather savage rhetoric Musial employed in that debate, this summation could be expanded, especially regarding the implication of a book dealing with a massacre committed by Poles needs to do regarding the question of Jewish collaboration. Kochanski also picks up on the aforementioned dichotomy in the preface to her book, writing > Poles are all too frequently dismissed as unrepentant anti-semites who stood back as the Germans exterminated the Jews on Polish territory. (...) Some Jews claim that the Poles not only supported the extermination of the Jews but did nothing to help them, even assisting the Germans by betraying the Jews hiding in their midst. In response there are extreme nationalist Polish claims that the Jews did not deserve to be saved, because of their strong support for communism before the war and during the 1939-41 Soviet occupation of the eastern provinces and also the pro-Soviet actions of Jews after 1944. While Kochanski is quick to note on the same page the much more realistic assessment that > The reality is that there were Polish anti-semites who betrayed Jews to the Germans, and, indeed, a few who participated in the killings, but there were many Poles who did all they could to save Jews. And she is absolutely right with that. The problem with the aforementioned passage concerning Jews is that these are exactly the allegations leveled at Gross either by implication, like Musial, or more openly by extreme nationalists: That because Gross is a Jew (which in itself is not entirely correct), he would portray Poles as rabid anti-Semites only. When in reality, all of Gross' work is directed to gaining a better understanding why those Poles that did indeed embrace anti-Semitism practically did what they did. The frequent method employed in the "anti-Gross" camp or even by Kochanski, that it seems somehow necessary to every time someone explores the motives of Polish collaborators, they must under all circumstances mention that there were also Poles who engaged in heroic acts saving their neighbors not only becomes stale but is what is referred to in German as a "rhetorical smoke grenade" – a device intended to conceal arguments and divert attention. In the end, Gross' work is not only regarded as important and good by many in the field, it was also important for it sparked a debate about national past and remembrance in Poland, viciousness aside. Books like that of Kochanski – and it really is an otherwise excellent book – are in part possible because of this debate, current political attempts at a legislative roll-back behind Gross notwithstanding.

  • Lenora Adams

    Hello and welcome. Thanks for being civil and trying to understand. I'll join in, too, and happily. Gamergate has led me down a great path of introspection, trying to explain to myself just what I believe and where those ideas evolved from. I'm also going to be going completely out of order. D. 1. The one thing that seems to unite most of KiA is social libertarianism. We have a very nonrestrictive set of standards on what should be legal and socially acceptable. Also, we don't like being lied to and bullshitted, especially not for personal gain. D. 2. I call myself a Star Trek Socialist. I would love for cold fusion and energy-matter conversion to make wage slavery a thing of the past. Otherwise, I think we should use technology to raise the standard of living for all of us humans. I also call myself an Anti-Republican. My ideals don't perfectly mesh with the mainstream Democratic party, but the only thing I share with Republicans is an abhorrence for gun control. D. 3. Sanders in the primary. As an Anti-Republican, I have voted for the person with the best chance of beating the Republican on the ticket in every election since 2002...so Democrats unless none are running. I did vote for Harry Browne the Libertarian in 2004 for president because I knew GWB would be winning big and wanted to give Orange Team a chance at that debate representation. Usually, gay rights is the wedge issue that guarantees that I won't vote Republican. My sister is gay and my morality from earliest memories as a child is that the rules between myself (a male) and my sister should be equal unless there is a compelling reason why not (which really was only me having a slightly later bedtime or being allowed PG 13 movies first). C. 1. "Feminism" is a set of ideologies and political and ethical stances that has been around and evolving for a century and a half or so. I like the description of the 3 "waves" of western feminist thought and activism. Of course there are no distinct lines of speciation: this is memetic evolution, not the release of a new video game console. The first wave aimed for equality under the law, expanding the vote and then alcohol prohibition...two out of three ain't bad. The second wave was mostly after WWII and aimed at expanding women's work options and easing gender norms. The third wave is intersectionality, and I'm still a bit flummoxed, as looking out for the interests of minorities, the disabled, the poor, and the otherwise unlucky just seem like liberal positions. I've mostly been introduced to the topic from Anita Sarkeesian's videos and their backlash and not from the primary sources, so it is hard to talk about it without parroting other mockery I've heard. I'm unconvinced to say the least. C. 2. I have reflected a lot lately on the origins of my own ethics and morality, largely due to the feeling of unease I have with intersectional feminism. My ethics largely comes from my socialization as a child and teenager and from my mother in particular, so I asked her if she thinks of herself as a feminist. She does, and described a set of beliefs centered on equality under the law and easing or erasing strict gender roles and allows for any individual to choose the life they want. Gay rights and protecting minorities (racial, ethnic, religious) are important principles to her as a liberal, but aren't part of what she called feminism either. Maybe my choice to end my definition of feminism comes from my mother because I never took a college class to update me on the newest and best of the field. C. 5. Patriarchy Theory and Rape Culture. This is where third wave feminism goes into a direction I have trouble grokking. Every important noun in Patriarchy Theory could be replaced with a different group and it would carry the same weight to me. Patriarchy Theory has earned as much respect from me as The Protocols of the Elders of Zion for a proper description of Western culture and power structure. The idea that mainstream America celebrates or even minimalizes rape is almost equally-laughable, except that victims of prison rape are ignored, mocked, and denied safety and justice (though this seems more of a product of our punitive criminal justice culture). C. 3. I have seen some evidence that even accounting for hours worked, experience, tenure, and education women are paid 2-3% less than men. This is not as attention-grabbing as 20%+ but is not equality. If this is due to employer discrimination, it should be dealt with using existing law (and all labor laws should be enforced and have teeth protecting all workers). If this is due to non-malicious broad cultural patterns such as men being more likely to negotiate for a better deal, we should use bureaucratic reforms and targeted education to change the cultural gender norms. If women being less likely to negotiate is in some part due to sexual dimorphism, we get into a grayer area, but still should deal with this through utilitarian nudges. C. 4. STEM disparity? Yup, it's there, and so are a lot of other gender disparities in academia and work. What about the primary and secondary education disparity where men are underrepresented in a prestigious and fair-paying field? What about every dangerous or dirty job that men do compared to every terrible service or retail job women do? If this is a result of employer discrimination, it is already illegal. If this is the result of lots of choices, we should be encouraging every person to follow their ambition and ability. Perhaps part of it is like my SO's decision to stop taking CAD classes in high school: she was the only girl and was taunted by the boys, who were repeatedly punished for being little shits, but kids are assholes, especially when trapped in a school together for years. I'm not entirely sure how to handle kids being assholes; they're not my kids. B. 1. Nerd/geek culture would be a major family of subcultures which can encompass a whole lot of things with the distinction from mainstream culture and media being that these are niche interests as opposed to more popular ones. Both nerd and geek have been and are used as pejoratives, but have also been self-identifiers. I use it to quickly introduce myself to others. "I'm into all kinds of nerdy shit: video games, board games, card games, roleplaying games, history and philosophy and fantasy and science fiction books, exploitation movies, no budget or foreign movies, heavy metal, progressive rock and metal, horrorcore and chiptunes..." B. 2. Like what you like. Make what you want to make. Critique what you want to critique. There's a whole world of awesome stuff put out by creative and smart human beings. I suppose this legitimizes feminist critiques, but it also batters and deep fries the concept of appropriation*. Published culture is a global free-for-all, and you have all of recorded history to choose from! * It is rude to be sacreligious or blasphemous or even irreverent to people's religious traditionss, but I fundamentally oppose blasphemy laws. Stolen valor isn't ethical or polite either, but I'm not sure on where to put a legal and moral line on pretending to have an achievement. B. 3. This is semantic, and a totally fun discussion. I bought and played a piece of software on Steam called "I am Mayo." You are given a drawing of a jar of mayonnaise and told to click on the image 10,000 times. At intervals, the jar of mayo would change costumes or silly animations would happen or nonsense. There was no fail state, no win or lose, no skill or strategy or technique, and the outcome was predetermined and singular so I would have trouble calling it a game. It was a piece of entertainment software, it was a work of art, but not really a game. I don't know how much a flight simulator software could be called a game, or a visual novel, or ... B. 4. Just about anything. Did the artist express something in some fashion? Did anyone get aesthetic enjoyment or enlightenment from it? That's pretty much art to me. The only real source of illegitimacy could be causing harm to others. Cannibal Holocaust's animal killing isn't okay today. Consentual harm is okay, like in 1998, when the Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell and he plummeted 16 feet through an announce table.

  • Bobby Beier

    There were many kinds of banditry, and things that the state called bandrity. In the Ottoman Empire, many times it was local strongmen who were the bandits... and the Ottomans sometimes just made them part of the state (as a provincial governor, say) and said, "Okay, now you can collect taxes but you have to deal with the bandits." Historical sociologist Karen Barkey's book *Bandits and Bureaucrats* is all about this. Here's the back of the book blurb: >Why did the main challenge to the Ottoman state come not in peasant or elite rebellions, but in endemic banditry? Karen Barkey shows how Turkish strategies of incorporating peasants and rotating elites kept both groups dependent on the state, unable and unwilling to rebel. Bandits, formerly mercenary soldiers, were not interested in rebellion but concentrated on trying to gain state resources, more as rogue clients than as primitive rebels. The state's ability to control and manipulate bandits - through deals, bargains, and patronage - suggests imperial strength rather than weakness, she maintains. Bandits and Bureaucrats details, in a rich, archivally based analysis, state-society relations in the Ottoman Empire during the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. Exploring current eurocentric theories of state building, the author illuminates a period customarily mischaracterized as one in which the state declined in power. Outlining the processes of imperial rule, Barkey relates the state's political and military institutions to their social foundations. She compares the Ottoman route with state centralization in the Chinese and Russian empires, and contrasts experiences of rebellion in France during the same period. Bandits and Bureaucrats thus develops a theoretical interpretation of imperial state centralization, through incorporation and bargaining with social groups, and at the same time enriches our understanding of the dynamics of Ottoman history. As you get into the 19th century, many (though not all) of the brigands are part of the armed "following" of a local notable (often called in Turkish *ağa*, agha), who uses his forces to collect various protection "taxes" from foreigners but also providing a local order. A Turkish historian colleague was telling me a story about her wealthy village grandfather. I asked if he was an "agha" and she said while he was as wealthy as an agha, he wasn't because he neither had an armed following nor did he "pass judgment" for people. You see this sort of passing judgment, that is, acting as a non-state but universally trusted third party arbitrator in Italy as well. The organized mafia in 19th through mid-20th century Sicily was somewhat similar in that it was very often an alliance between the mafia and landowners. /u/BaronBifford [has an interesting post a few months ago about historical organized crime in Sicily](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/5im8au/in_the_beginning_of_the_godfather_don_corleone_is/db9tubg/), drawing on sociologist Diego Gambetta's work: >His contention is that the core activity of the Mafia in Sicily was protection racketeering. Furthermore, the Mafia is NOT a product of Sicily being invaded all the time since antiquity (every culture has experienced frequents invasions - why don't Belgians have an infamous mafia?). The Mafia arose in the 19th century and is a consequence of capitalism and the Sicilian state's inability to properly police it. >[...]This an illustration that Gambetta provides in his book of Mafia protection in action: Say a butcher wants to sell some meat to a supermarket, tax-free. Because this is essentially a black market deal, neither the butcher nor the grocer can sue the other in court in the case of foul play. What happens if the butcher sell some bad meat? What happens if the grocer doesn't pay the butcher? Each party is tempted to cheat the other and the mutual distrust may prevent them from making a profitable transaction. To prevent cheating, the two parties will invite the local mafioso to oversee the deal. The mafioso promises he will punish either of them if they cheat the other (by a sound beating, I should think). Because the mafioso is so feared for his violence, self-discipline, and uncompromising nature, neither party dares cheat the other and the transaction occurs smoothly. In exchange for his oversight, the mafioso takes a cut of the sale. Or maybe he'll ask for some favors in the future (and his clients better please him if they know what's good for them). >So as you've gleaned, the core service that the Mafia provides is protection. Protection from cheats, thieves, assailants, etc. [...]Now the next question you have to ask is why are mafioso treated with such respect, their bosses treated pretty much like medieval kings? The answer is that the demand for the don's (will call the boss of a clan a don for fun) protection is very high. Mafia activity in Sicily was concentrated in the cities like Palermo and in the small citrus orchards around it. The whole answer is well worth reading. The public intellectual Edward Luttwak [not too long ago reviewed a book on organized crime in Italy](http://www.lrb.co.uk/v35/n19/edward-luttwak/the-honoured-society) in the *London Review of Books*. You may be interested in the whole thing if you have access to it through an institution such as university or public library (though he's definitely writing from a particular perspective, and I wouldn't say it's the final word on the matter), but the real relevant portion about his own childhood in Sicily in the post-War era: >I was infuriated by the title before I started the book. The problem is not with ‘republic’, though ‘oligarchies’ would be more accurate, but with ‘mafia’: an ugly word used only by ignorant *continentali*. As a child in Palermo, living in the via Villareale, a few steps from the stylish Piazza Politeama, twenty minutes by car from the splendid beach of Mondello (my father had a car, few did), I knew exactly who the *continentali* were: the non-Sicilians of the mainland whose inability to understand our ways was incurable, as exemplified by their belief that the members of the honoured society, *l’onorata società*, were mere gangsters and protection racketeers, as if the lawyer N. who lived across the street, the notary C., his cousin, and our own doctor S. would ever dream of extorting a few lire from tavern-keepers. The lawyer, the notary and the doctor were all members of the honoured society, each with his own *mandamento* – the command of a given quarter of Palermo. They did have strong-arm underlings to keep everyone in line, but that mostly meant clamping down on petty crime by common thieves or street-corner toughs. They were colleagues of the police on that front, parting ways only when particular outrages – the violent rape of a woman, the robbery of a protected business, or worse, acts of overt defiance towards or disrespect for the honoured society – called for much more drastic punishment than the law would have prescribed. And of course no statute outlawed the mancanza di rispetto, the lack of respect that only swift and harsh punishment could expunge. Even in these cases, however, no firearms were used and there was no outright killing: for that there was the corpo armato, which received its orders not from lawyer N., notary C. or doctor S. but from the top leaders in conclave, the cupola. I don’t remember hearing that word at the time – it could be a journalistic fabrication like so much else – but I knew there were people senior to the people I knew. Like the Ottoman case, the Sicilian case is often not about local strong men acting anarchically, but acting as a sort of secondary state, as a parallel complementary or competitive order to the state. Now, I am not saying there were no lone wolf bandits who had no greater ambition than stealing a little bit of money because of course there were. However, in both the specific places you ask about, "bandits"/"criminals" were not just part of the social order, they were fundamental to creating and maintaining it.

  • Lea Hintz

    Hi. Thank you. I really appreciate you saying I was being open - because that type of validation helps so much in these forums. Everyone craves to be see, heard, understood. Words matter. You said 10 words[1] (how easy is that?) and made me feel really grounded and more confident in my reply. I don't know what it was. I do remember vividly my wife calling me (family in London, I was in USA) on Facetime and my kids were in the bath and the oldest was complaining/screaming about how hot the water was. Which really upset me deeply. I felt like I always chose my children but something inside of me was corrupted and I had a weird feedback loop of: I'm always told I am wrong; No one, much less my wife, would do harmful things to their kids (I was not physically abused growing up - i did get spanked a few times). She says she is good and I am bad. I just could not let go of the fantasy of whom my wife was is what my psychiatrist said - which I agree with. Q: I'm mostly curious about the undoing of the mental gymnastics. Did one of your daughters say something to you that shifted your perspective? A: I felt like my wife may have cheated on me. She was acting strange. I saw my child screaming about how hot the water was in bathtub. I had several other Facetimes where wife would not answer questions. I became heavily unglued. I was alone without family. I am convinced I became psychotic for a few hours. I spoke on the phone for many hours over a period of a few days talking to many of my closest friends trying to find some way of validating I was wrong. I just kinda snapped. A friend of mine had a similar experience [2]. I flew to Austin to hang out with one of my friends. I couldnt sleep. It was 2am and I got on Telegram (I dont know why) and a friend of mine in London messaged me asking if everything was ok. This friend (a life coach) I had lost contact with for many years. I told him No. He asked if he could call. I unloaded on him and he helped calm me down. When I was calm he asked if we could talk the next day. The next day he told me he wanted to share some observations he had about people in our field of work. He explained patterns and I saw it immediately in some of my peers. He went on to explain his family (of origin) dynamics which were shockingly similar to my own. I had a deep respect for my friend since I had met him but his openness and clarity in which described so many things to me was one of the most grounding events of my entire life. It was just a few hours on the phone over the course of a few days. He reflected back to me his experiences without roping me into them and I was in a place where I could pick up the baton and run with it. I loaded up on books he recommended. I went to London to get family & stayed there for 4 weeks (summer holiday) before coming back with them to the states. During this time I spoke a lot to my wifes family and extended family to learn more about the family dynamic. It was incredibly dysfunctional. My daughter told me that my wifes dad would not feed her breakfast because she was acting out the night before. It was all of these validations of "ok, so this family has major issues which my wife has inherited". I had opened my eyes and was able to observe what was happening. I stopped being oblivious (I think my E-dad modeled this behavior to me). I started observing and spoke with my support network near hourly for weeks on end. Then I just grew. I was still consumed by fears and read into things and was acting wonky but I was growing in my understanding of boundaries and started down the path of trusting myself more with the help of my support network. Here is a list of people in my life and how I felt they helped me. Psychiatrist. Helped pushed me into reflecting on my family (of origin) dynamics. Identify my wife had borderline traits. Recommended "Get Me Out of Here". Validated that I had seen through a type of fantasy of what my relationship was with my wife. When I would tell her things my wife said she could tease apart and point out some of the things wife said that psychiatrist felt were projections ("You are going to die all alone, with no body, and your kids will hate you"). Helped me orient my thoughts and point out if my thinking became binary. Made me feel empowered. Marriage Counselor. Helped realize that some behaviors that I was doing was unhealthy and was not working. e.g. walking out of a on-going discussion after getting so frustrated. Lacked ability to sit with my wife when being verbally abused. Pointing out (not in the best way but it was effective because of the other things I was learning) that my wife being incredibly ugly to me and pointing out things I have done - when I feel criticized that is in me. I am internalizing her criticism and I should address that. Life Coach. Helped me realize what boundaries were. Gave me a lot of systems to think inside of. Shared many links regarding Constructive Development Theory as well as practice insights. Many first hand perspectives about interactions he has had with his mentor. Telling me his background. Being open to hearing me more regularly and telling me I was manipulating or trying to change my wife. Helped bring clarity to what I was intending to accomplish. Brought me back to meditation. Friends. Helped share their background. A woman friend of mine (I sent her this text[3] today) explained how her N mom treated her as she grew up and her E dad let her down. How at the age of 16 a psychiatrist told her (not in the best way; or a way she could hear the best) to avoid her mom as much as possible. She helped the most to understand what my own situation could be like with my two daughters. How she saw her dad. Many of my friends could not understand what was happening and gave me advice I couldn't use but they were there for me. And that was the most important aspect, looking back on it. The message was "I care about you. I don't want you to be in pain. If I can help, please ask" and then there was the advice which was varying quality. I cared most about them reciprocating the love I felt for them. Friends explaining to me what it was like when they found out their wife cheated. Friends explaining to me their struggles with their inner critic and how their day-to-day experience is really warped in self loathing. All of this feedback helped me connect and reflect. This is a mountain of text. I hope somewhere in there - I answered your question(s). I just dont think there was a "ah ha" moment. Maybe the bath incident and the realization my wife likely cheated on me. But I can't be sure. I'm still new to all of this and I was unable to stay present while I wrote this reply (kept getting interrupted). But I hope you can find something in it that is helpful. If there is anything I have learned from this experience that if I could help just one person than I will have passed on some of the wisdom, experience, knowledge in my life and I was a contributor to the world. Thank you for asking me to reply. Happy Mardi Gras. [1] 10 words: I really appreciate you being so open, vulnerable, and honest. [2] A friend of mine had a massively dysfunctional relationship. His wife (likely N/borderline) divorced him in a way which blindsided him. He was so twisted up in interpretation of what was going on -- he ended up checking himself into a mental asylum for 48 hours. This is a friend since high school but I had lost touch until fairly recently. [3] I felt a connection with you, **OUR MUTUAL FRIEND** and my wife (as well as others in my life). The connection I felt at a “unrealized” level was a type of sadness that resonated with me. This sadness comes from different places but almost always our childhood. I am fortunate enough that my inner asshole doesn’t interfere with the part of me that says “if you try really hard you will figure something out” (not that it will work but something will come of it). The people whom I find myself most closely aligned have had a profound hurting experience. Rage, Distrust, Cynicism, Judging, Intellectualization, Pain, Aloneness, and Anger are some of the emotional connective tissue I find myself sharing with my closest friends. I realized there is something pretty fundamentally hurt inside of me. This is neither good nor bad. Some Deep Hurt exists in me. I am pretty curious about what it is. I want to face it head on. But realizing what the connections are between me and others (even if I didn’t like the feelings it brought up) really helped me. My mother and dad hurt me. A lot. I still love them (its good that I love them - there is love in me). I realized that their place in my mind which can be identified (aware of) and I can swap that out with something that I want there instead of what grew there throughout my life. It doesn’t mean I love, care, or like my parents any less or more. It just means I am aware they occupy a place in me and if I reframe that place it doesn’t mean I accept them or reject them any more.

  • Brandon Hessel

    > So I do have some questions about WGU. What are the classes like? A class has one or both of the two assessment types - performance and/or objective. Performance assessment is a project of some form (paper, project, etc). An objective assessment is a multiple choice test. If the class has an objective assessment, there is also a pre-assessment (similar to the objective assessment), that you can take a couple of times to practice. Your goal for the class is to pass the assessments. You can use self study or cohorts to pass the objective assessments, and you do the work for the performance assessments. > Are they mostly text and reading or are there video based parts also? It varies on the course. Some courses have little to no video content, some courses have tons. > How do the CopTIA Certs fit into the degree are they like a final exam for certain classes or do you just get the voucher and able to do it on your own time and the results of the test don't affect your degree? You pass the pre-assessment (a practice test), and they provide you a voucher. You arrange the test, and take it. Once you send them a passing score report, they mark the class as a 'pass.' If you send them a failing score report, then you go for your second attempt. Your second voucher is free. Anything past that, you pay out of pocket. Recommendation: If you fail, and pay out of pocket for a second attempt, and pass - then you send that in, and WGU never knows you failed. > How are the tests done? I have done online college through my local community in the past some classes require you to take a test through a testing site that has someone watching you on webcam other classes you just open the quiz and you are set. All objective assessments are done either at your home, or an approved testing center. If done at home, they watch you on webcam. > Are there good and bad teachers or with it being digital does the teacher not really factor into the class. There are usually at least a couple of course mentors per course. If you don't hit it off with one, you can work with another. They conduct "cohorts", which are basically lecture style classes (with some class interaction). And, you can always make appointments with the course mentors to have a one-on-one chat. > What do you think is a decent amount of credit hours to take a semester? I work full time like many others do. I was able to transfer almost all my fluff classes so I am looking at doing PURE IT classes so people who did the IT program what do you consider to be reasonable and what do you consider to be overboard. Full time is 12 credits. Most students take more. So, if you enroll as a 'full time' student, you'll be enrolled in 12 credits. Once you complete those classes, then you can (one at a time!) request additional classes. So.... just take as many as you can/want. > This question ties into number 6 how long will it take. According to the paperwork I received I only need 66 more credits to graduate. That all depends on you. > How much is it really like after books and processing fees etc like how much per semester is it really every time I speak to WGU they give me a number of about 3K then little random fees (Nothing crazy or shady I am just looking to find out the FULL cost per semester for the IT degree) There's a "resource fee" - I think its like $145. That covers ALL of your resources for the term - ebooks, your webcam, certification vouchers, EVERYTHING. You'll owe a TOTAL of the tuition (~3000) and the resource fee - that's it. If you pay more than $3100 per term (6 months) - then something's wrong. > Are there group projects? I never liked group projects while in School for obvious reasons :/ I am really hoping to keep away from them I know University of Phoenix is Heavy on them I am wondering if WGU is also No group projects, at all. > I have heard at WGU you can complete a class as fast as you want. Like there are due dates that stuff is due by but you can in theory complete a class in 3 days if you work on it like a mad man. Your goal is to complete the performance assessment and the objective assessment (if the class has both, otherwise, just the one it has). You have the entire term to complete all of the assessments for all of the enrolled classes. I've completed three classes in two days total before. Day 1, I did the pre-assessments. Day 2, I took the objective assessments, and passed all three classes. > What is the work like? Is it tests and quizzes only? Are there essays and projects, labs etc? This is more of a question for people going for the IT degree. There are two types of assessments: Objective (Multiple choice, or certification) and Performance (Project). That's ALL you have to do. There MAY be more than one project for the performance assessment. For instance, in English Comp I has no objective assessment, and one performance assessment where you must write four papers. > How much interaction with my teacher is there? Are they like most online classes where they are a mystical figure on the other side of a screen that grades my papers or can I skype (or other calling methods) with them for one on one time? There is zero required interaction. You can schedule one-on-one appointments. They also have the "cohorts" where you and a group of students do an Adobe Connect session with the course mentor. > How much student interaction is there? Like when you take a class do you ever interact with your classmates or is it a single student system? In my current online courses we have discussion questions where we get to interact with our fellow classmates does WGU have a system like this in the classes. None. You can chat with other students during the cohorts. There's a "Chatter" feature, but its not really used to speak with other students. The subreddit is good... and there's a slack channel I think. > How hard are the classes? Are they super challenging or Easy A classes or somewhere in between? Varies on the class and your experience. > Do you feel like you learned anything at the end? I have taken classes in the past got an A and felt like I didn't learn a thing do you feel satisfied with what you learned at the end of your semester like you know the material well enough to go out and do what ever it is you studied in the real world. Some classes, yes. I did not learn anything with the "Introduction to IT" class - but that's to be expected. When I took the class, I had ten years of IT experience. However, I'm learning a lot with the CCNA Security class... and it's not easy. > This one is more for graduates but how respect is the degree? Yes I know they are accredited and such but in the job world what do managers think of them? I know university of Phoenix is seen as a Degree mill and kinda not well respected is WGU in the same place or is it respect like a normal university like University of Arizona or Michigan, etc. I want to make sure that employers don't consider the degree a joke. Not a graduate yet (one more term!), but it is NOT the same as "University" of Phoenix. No - it isn't an Ivy League school. Anyone looking for a [specific GPA](https://www.reddit.com/r/WGU/comments/1zbnb5/anyone_worried_about_the_automatic_30_gpa/?st=iznd7fr5&sh=7aef863b) may not like this school. WGU has some name recognition issues, however. A lot of people hear "online school" and think its like UoP. However... there are plenty of brick and mortar schools doing fully online degrees. I think that over the next few years, there will be a shift... People will stop caring if it's online school, and more about the quality of the school. Look at online dating... 10-15 years ago, it was looked down upon to do online dating... Now, we have tinder, etc, and it's commonplace. > What suggestions do you have for a new student? What have you learned in your time at WGU that you wish you knew when you started? I am open to ANY AND ALL ADVICE! Self study and self pacing is paramount. If you cannot do this, do not attempt WGU. Discipline is the most important thing.

  • Kris Ryan

    I'll include a chapter. Also, as I mentioned, I'll send the book for free to those who cannot afford it. It's really not about the money at his point. Here's the chapter (hope you enjoy it): The Difference Between The Gentleman and The Nice Guy Before we continue any further, it is of essence that we define a few terms and ideas. I am not a fan of the terms ‘Alpha’ and ‘Beta’ since these terms are over- and misused, especially in “pickup” books, so I have chosen do characterize the two inherently different types of men by a set of standards and beliefs characterizing The Gentleman and the set of ideas and beliefs making up the Nice Guy. These are two fundamentally different types of men; some of the characteristics of The Gentleman are self-confidence, self-worth, high self-esteem, humility, honesty, graciousness, compassion, integrity and composure, to name a few. The Gentleman is not fazed by other’s opinions of him. He follows his own path in life, upholding personal set of values and beliefs that he never compromises under any circumstances, unless the compromise contributes to The Gentleman’s self-development, as in a case of changing an opinion or belief when being presented with a more rational and complete thought. The Gentleman is self-aware and mature enough to admit when he is wrong, and while he is a self-confident being, he never lets his confidence metamorphose into arrogance. When challenged, The Gentleman never loses his composure, but instead listens and evaluates the arguments and notions being presented in an objective manner and only after letting these thoughts manifest in his mind, forms his own interpretation and responds accordingly. The Gentleman is self-assured enough to be able to change his idea or belief of something if the arguments presented seem of a more logical and sound nature that those that he has held as axioms for a long time. This is the only way to enlightenment. There is no place for bigotry and narrow-mindedness in the life of The Gentleman. The open-mindedness with which The Gentleman operates allows him to be highly self-aware. Apart from his reasoning skills, The Gentleman is a man of high values and standards who always strives for excellence in any endeavor. He doesn’t settle for anything less than what he truly desires, no matter how challenging the ambition. The Gentleman is also well behaved and well mannered. He is articulate and of good taste. The Gentleman understands that the greatest gift that he can give to himself and those around him is self-development, and so he spends a great deal of his time engaging in activities of intellectual and spiritual stimulus. The Gentleman respects the elderly and engages in behavior of traditional values, like holding up the door for a woman, or giving up his seat for someone in need. The Gentleman never let’s anyone take advantage of his kindness, nor does he let his feelings get the better of him, and he never takes any decision based on feelings, but always reason, despite any problematic consequences of the decision. Though The Gentleman is firmly in touch with his own emotions, he never displays his feelings openly in form of anger or tears. If he really needs to cry, he does so in private. The Gentleman’s feeling of self-assurance arises from his appreciation of his own abilities and qualities. The Gentleman values his family and close friends above anything else. When it is time for him to form his own family, his entire life and focus is directed towards the well being of his wife and offspring. He realizes that a healthy relationship is based upon loyalty and trust and that there is no room for egotism in building strong bonds. The Gentleman protects his honor, as well as that of his woman, at all times. If he chooses to form a family, he understands that it is his duty to support his wife and children to the best of his abilities. The Gentleman always draws clear lines in any relationships from the beginning, to avoid any mishaps and misunderstandings. He treats women with care and respect, but never seeks to please them or conform to their inclinations. While he has a dominant demeanor, he does not feel the need to dominate everything and everyone around him. The Gentleman also realizes that if a fight is inevitable, he must hit first. These are some of the characteristics of The Gentleman and more will be presented throughout this book. To personify The Gentleman: His name is Eric and he is generally considered a ‘good guy’; at least, by those close to him. Eric has very little emotional investment in people that are not close to him and he doesn’t care the slightest of what other’s think of him (or rather, he does not let the opinions of other’s get in the way of his goals). Eric has a well-defined set of standards and morals, which he doesn’t compromise for anyone, especially women. Eric is self-confident and remains himself under pressure, even amongst people with completely conflicting ideologies and beliefs to his own. Women seem to be ‘naturally’ drawn to Eric. He is never mean or abusive to women, but he never invests much time and emotional effort in them until he finds someone worthy of his time. Eric sees no point in trying to please people and so if he meets a girl that wants him to behave in a certain way that is in disagreement with who he is as a man, he moves on. When a relationship breaks up, Eric doesn’t get down or depressed but moves on rather rapidly, realizing that every relationship is a sum of trial and errors in the search for compatibility and chemistry. The Nice Guy is nothing like The Gentleman- he is often insecure, not the least self-aware or self-confident, and generally a conformist who is in a constant search for validation; someone that will rather please other people than ‘hurt’ their feelings. The Nice Guy is not very composed in his demeanor or relationships and lets his feeling get in the way of his decisions. The precarious self-identity with which the Nice Guy operates paves the way for constant shifts in his beliefs and principles, leaving him in a state of oblivion and self-doubt. Example of the Nice Guy: Alfred is a deeply insecure person. The thought of approaching girls spontaneously is inconceivable for Alfred. The word ‘spontaneity’ itself makes him anxious. Alfred is anxious a lot. Alfred might have someone he considers his girlfriend, and while she might flatter him or laugh at his jokes, she will never engage in sexual activities just for the sake of sex. She might do it to get gifts or to rise in social status, or for the sake of other benefits, but never based on attraction alone. Alfred’s girlfriends can’t seem to stop yelling at him, and have no problem embarrassing him in public. When he tries to be a gentleman and pay the bill at the restaurant, for example, Alfred’s girlfriend snags the bill out of his hand and begins yelling at him for assuming her dependence on him. When Alfred gets an erection watching a film with his girlfriend featuring a lesbian sex scene, he apologizes for getting hard after she feels his erection and begins screaming at him. It would be fair to say that Alfred’s girlfriend has claimed ownership of his balls. Alfred is convinced that his girlfriend isn’t a ‘slut’ because she never lets him deepthroat her and do other “deviating” sexual acts. When his reasoning is questioned, Alfred replies that her refusal is an indicator that she hasn’t done it with anyone else. Now, I bet that while you might not posses all the characteristics of Alfred (or that you would like to admit), you probably embody more Nice Guy traits than those of The Gentleman. Not to worry. I was once an Alfred myself. Remember, it doesn't matter where you are now in life. It really doesn't. What matters is... WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.

  • Quinn Schuster

    >Is violence typical No. Most anarchists wouldn't hurt a fly (though maybe a bank window). Keep in mind there's a difference between a broad sort of non-violence and pure pacifism. Most anarchists I've met will tell you that violence is an inevitability in a society defined by authoritarian power structures. It's not so much a matter of wanting it or not wanting it as the fact that it is there in general, underlying pretty much everything. If you want a small example take your typical speeding ticket. It seems innocent enough on first glance, but look at the person giving it to you. It's usually a big guy with a weapon and handcuffs strapped to his waist who's paid to do this by the government. Now actually read the ticket. It tells you to pay, sure. But in the fine print it also probably mentions somewhere that if you don't you'll end up in front of a judge. To get you in front of a judge that same big guy with the guns and the handcuffs is going to drive to your house and force you under threat of physical violence to come with him. Then the judge might decide you should spend some time in the county jail, something that has less to do with you then it does to do with him wanting to set an example to other people not paying a parking ticket. In every part of that situation either violence, the threat of violence, or confinement via force (aka kidnapping) is part of the subtext or just a blatant reality. And that's just a fine you get for going too fast in a school zone. Violence is just part of our society. People seek to avoid it, but sooner or later everyone has to reconcile themselves with its existence. Every social order, especially a capitalist/statist one, is built on physical force to one extent or another. To what extent it is or should be is kind of the point of contention. But even the liberals and conservatives I've met can acknowledge this, if not explicitly then implicitly. >Are the Anti-Fascists the ones wearing black masks trying to intimidate people from speaking? Does that not feel closer to authoritarianism bordering on fascism? Way they see it people like Spencer aren't so much "speaking" as engaging in actual warfare against the lower class of society. If you're opposed to fascism on an ideological level it logically follows you're opposed to their propaganda and ability to organize as well. Fascism is a particular ideology. It isn't a means, it's an end. Violence is part of that end. But it isn't the defining feature of the system. Fascism views liberal democracy as a sham, it views the populace as something that needs to be brutalized into submission by an all powerful and omnipresent state, it views the role of the state itself in ensuring racial and cultural hegemony (racism and hyper-nationalism are arguably both the defining features of fascism), and it views integration of big business with the state to the point that they become impossible to separate from each other as the way to societal harmony. [This is a good explanation also](http://rense.com/general37/char.htm) Anarchists want, broadly the complete opposite of all of those things. They don't want a strong central state, they want *no* state They don't believe in nationalism They believe racism is a tool of capitalist control of populations that is based on lies They believe the economy should be directly controlled and organized by working people etc etc etc You get the point. But to further illustrate my point here, you're confusing things that on the surface might seem similar (disrupting "freedom of speech") with the ultimate end goal of these things. For one, I've never met an anarchist who doesn't believe people have a right to say or believe what they want. Where they draw the line is when your "beliefs" essentially amount to an advocacy of actual oppression in society. People can argue all day about what does or does not constitute "oppression" but I like to think as a society we learned from the 30's that racism shouldn't be allowed to legitimize itself. But consider this, in most western democracies there exists laws on the books against open hate speech. In Germany for example you're not allowed to walk around openly spouting anti-semitic bullshit in public. Especially if you're in politics. The reason is pretty self evident, because that's a country that has first hand experience in how destructive that bullshit is. So they're understandably fairly draconian about censoring its public manifestations. Does that make modern Germany somehow not a democracy? Of course not. Germany *is* a democracy and there's plenty of diversity in its politics. Heaven on Earth? No, no country is. But somehow I don't think the repression of nazi movements is the source of the problems they do have. "Free speech" as a philosophical concept anyway, isn't supposed to be a free for all. It's an ideal that's meant to safeguard rational discourse amongst the populace. Keyword: rational. The idea that free speech *must* apply to fundamentally *ir*rational people is an extremely modern bastardization of the concept. At least in the sense that most of the rhetoric the extremist right uses isn't meant to advance any particular ideology so much as make it impossible for people who aren't racist garbage to talk about anything. The kind of shit Milo Y. says, for example, isn't even remotely coherent or "true". What it *is* is sensationalistic and meant to confuse and distract people. It's an attempt to poison the possibility of any sort of reasonable consensus in society by making every public debate as emotionally charged, dehumanizing, and mutually antagonistic as possible. Freedom of speech for people like Milo by extension actually amounts to *preventing* the speech of people who aren't insane, because it forces them to content with a tidal wave of false information, sensationalism, bigotry, and emotional nonsense when trying to speak about anything. It makes the truth harder to discern from the bullshit and it splits the populace into increasingly radicalized and close minded factions. Democracy then ceases to be a possibility. Liberal democracy as a system relies on some sort of mutual respect, it relies on common values and an assumption that even ones political opponents, even if you disagree vehemently, are not insane and destructive. People like Richard Spencer hate that shit and are trying to destroy that common ground. Anarchism relies on a sort of consensus and mutual respect between different groups in society even more than democracy does. Though where it differs from democracy is that your typical anarchist believes that the best way to combat this shit is directly and through undermining the ability of these propagandists to play the above trick on the public psyche. Liberals believe in either letting the government do it (hate speech laws) or trying to debate it out of existence (which in practice means giving into it). When free speech becomes an excuse for undermining the foundations of a free society and turning people against each other, when it becomes a tool of demagogues and fascist agitators, one has to wonder where its limits are, and whether our obsession with it at the expense of political reality is doing more harm to human liberty than good.

  • Chad West

    One might ask for any critic of Rand (or anyone else for that matter, but sticking with Rand for now) to faithfully apply what Dennett referred to as the Rapoport Rules for constructing a serious criticism, but past experience tells me that such efforts at getting such a serious critique is near-futile. At least the likes of Huemer have been serious enough to make an effort to characterize Rand correctly, but will almost clearly falter in, e.g., his attempted characterization of the "Objectivist in a hurry" as being a successful characterization of what she had in mind by the term "egoism" (as distinct from what Huemer and many others have in mind by the term). You might say that Rand meaning something not-other-disregarding by the term "egoism" is just part of her pattern of appropriating terms for her own usage apart from standard or accepted usage, and can therefore be discounted as a serious thinker. OR . . . you could do the more philosophically interesting thing and examine the substance of her position beyond the labels. Does a Randian Egoist have putative ethical grounds for treating other people as not having real rights, as the Huemer critique would have it? Based on any careful examination of her writings, there is no reason to think this. There is too much there in her writings about rights, and about virtue, that indicates that someone of unbreached rationality respects other beings with a rational capacity as "ends in themselves" (her words, which she may or may not have adopted from Kant). Anyway, I don't see any grounds for philosophers to dismiss or object to Rand on the grounds that she claims to be a rigorous advocate of reason; they themselves are in the business of reasoning things out rigorously. So it would appear that they take issue with the substance of Rand's proposed detailed substantive working out of the rigorous adherence to reason. Well, let's try one detail out: she holds that rationality - understood to be a full and focused commitment to identifying and integrating reality into a non-contradictory mental whole - is the *primary virtue* of her (virtue-oriented ethics). In this she claims to be in an essential respect a disciple of Aristotle, and there are textual indications in Aristotle's work that the exercise of reason in various capacities (e.g., theoretical contemplation) is the best expression of human virtue or excellence. Now, we do have plenty of philosophers whose whole M.O. is to apply reason (critical thinking, gathering a vast range of facts and systematically organizing them in one's mind, learning, learning, learning) to the whole of their endeavors throughout life, but doesn't there seem to be something distinctively Aristotelian about making the maximally excellent exercise of one's reason the basic/primary/fundamental grounds for one's ethical system? For Aristotle and his admirers there is a specific *telos* to this maximally-excellent-reason-exercising, one's flourishing or eudaimonia, and that this pattern of rational behavior is also constitutive of the end itself (rational living being not just a means to human living well but the very activity of human living well itself). We have here what appears to be a significant similarity between Rand and the venerable Aristotle, and a similarity that may *or may not* exist between Aristotle and other canonical philosophers despite their obvious commitment to reasoning activity. We might be able to construe Kant (say) as also adhering to "the supremacy of reason" although on different grounds (that may have more of a self-grounding character as distinct from being deemed good by some external telos like flourishing). And if Kant is as explicit as Rand is about rationality being the basic virtue, the defining characteristic of a morally praiseworthy human, we shouldn't have a difficult time coming up with textual quotations to that effect. If that is so, then a lot of Kant-interpretation has been barking up the wrong tree; a lot of philosophy students have come away with a different message about what is Kant's driving motivation in ethical theory. Or take the utilitarians. One *could* I suppose get the utilitarians to endorse maximal rationality (of the instrumental sort) as being one's primary obligation, with the telos being some traditional utilitarian maximand. But so much of the commentary and teaching about utilitarianism is focused on the maximand part, so most people studying utilitarianism aren't exactly coming away with some message about the virtue of rationality. Nietzsche was hardly one to fall short in the using-his-critical-intellectual-capacity department, but how many folks come away from Nietzsche with the "use your rational faculty with maximal excellence" message? Ca. 1935, at age 30, Rand described his *Also Sprach Zarathustra* as her "bible," but something about Aristotle vis a vis Nietzsche led her in the Aristotelian direction by the time of her most mature novel. Based on things she later wrote about Nietzsche, it appeared that his work appealed to her mainly on a "sense of life" level. (What would a faithful Rapoport-Rules follower have to say about Rand and "sense of life"? Did she have some philosophically interesting things to say on that subject? Moreover, would it be *wise* for an aesthetics theoretician to ignore or dismiss Rand's most mature writings on aesthetics? How many artists-philosophers out there assembled a lifetime of thinking about their artistic methods in their 60s? Aesthetics enthusiast-scholar John Hospers certainly didn't avoid these ideas; why?) Rand (and, of course, her protégé Peikoff) was focused most heavily in her later years on issues of method; Rand scholar Sciabarra, with exhaustive documentation, has drawn interesting comparisons between her methodological ideas and those characteristic of the "dialectical" tradition, with Aristotle as its 'fountainhead.' (Note that this scholarship is from an "outsider," and decidedly not something authorized or endorsed by Peikoff, even though it includes far more Peikoff lecture course materials in its bibliography than any other scholarly work.) How do you suppose that philosophers interested in matters of method - including, e.g., the especially fruitful method of Aristotle - could afford to ignore some of these connections? In any case, if Rand/Peikoff's "inductive" method which they identify with reason proper shares important fundamental features with Aristotle's dialectical method, that would be kinda neat. What if Aristotle's dialectical method amounts in effect to "learn, learn, learn" (that's what he did himself, after all), then maybe that's what someone faithfully applying the methodological advice of Rand/Peikoff ends up doing as well. In substance that's been my own takeaway from all of these thinkers, even if others' mileage may vary; be as all-embracing as one can, and do not ignore/dismiss lightly. (This leads me to agree by and large that Rand's polemics against other thinkers were rather bad, BTW. Can one take the good without the bad, is that allowed, or is Rand an all-or-nothing kind of deal? A lot of people on both sides of the divide see it that way. :-/ ) Have you integrated into your research program the two largest books assembled by Mortimer Adler, BTW? Who could afford to leave those two big-ass stones unturned?

  • Jarvis Mayert

    The first amendment which prohibits any particular establishment of religion, but Christianity is broad and encompasses many denominations which is much more likely what the framers intended by establishment of religion, like how there was the Church of England being the state religion. This does not mean complete separation of religious beliefs and policy, that's why Sunday laws have been ruled Constitutional time and time again, but this does not permit Islamic values and yes, general Christian values predominate American law in an omnipresent way. There are stronger arguments to be found in the Declaration of Independence and the Northwest Ordinance. Both of which are codified in the US Code. [Declaration of Independence](http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?path=/frontmatter/organiclaws/independence&edition=prelim): >WHEN in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the **Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.** [There is also Cotting v. Godard, 183 U.S. 79 (1901), the United States Supreme Court stated](http://caselaw.findlaw.com/us-supreme-court/183/79.html): >"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. "While such declaration of principles may not have the force of organic law, or be made the basis of judicial decision as to the limits of right and duty, and while in all cases reference must be had to the organic law of the nation for such limits, yet the latter is but the body and the letter of which the former is the thought and the spirit, and it is always safe to read the letter of the Constitution in the spirit of the Declaration of Independence. No duty rests more imperatively upon the courts than the enforcement of those constitutional provisions intended to secure that equality of rights which is the foundation of free government." [The Northwest Ordinance](http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?path=/frontmatter/organiclaws/1787ordinance&edition=prelim): >And for extending the fundamental principles of civil and religious liberty, which form the basis whereon these republics, their laws and constitutions, are erected; to fix and establish those principles as the basis of all laws, constitutions, and governments, which forever hereafter shall be formed in the said territory; to provide, also, for the establishment of States, and permanent government therein, and for their admission to a share in the Federal councils on an equal footing with the original States, at as early periods as may be consistent with the general interest ... >Religion, morality, and knowledge being necessary to good government and the happiness of mankind, schools and the means of education shall forever be encouraged. The utmost good faith shall always be observed towards the Indians; their lands and property shall never be taken from them without their consent; and in their property, rights, and liberty they never shall be invaded or disturbed, unless in just and lawful wars authorized by Congress; but laws founded in justice and humanity shall, from time to time, be made, for preventing wrongs being done to them, and for preserving peace and friendship with them Our basis is natural law, seen as rights inherent to mankind as handed down by God. The U.S. Constitution rests on a common law foundation and the common law, in turn, is based off of natural law principles. And in the US, our underlying legal moral foundation is Christian values. All traditionally held American values are parallel to those held by Christianity. The Supreme Court even upheld so. [Church of the Holy Trinity v. United States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_the_Holy_Trinity_v._United_States): These, and many other matters which might be noticed, add a volume of unofficial declarations to the mass of organic utterances that this is a Christian nation. 143 U.S. 457 (1892 [In a 1905 book titled: The United States: A Christian Nation](https://books.google.com/books?id=f7pMJk_cmAAC&printsec=frontcover&dq=The+United+States:+A+Christian+Nation&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiJtL7g7I3SAhWKi1QKHfJJDQoQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&q=The%20United%20States%3A%20A%20Christian%20Nation&f=false), Brewer explained further: >But in what sense can it be called a Christian nation? Not in the sense that Christianity is the established religion or that people are in any matter compelled to support it. On the contrary, the Constitution specifically provides that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Neither is it Christian in the sense that all of its citizens are either in fact or name Christian. On the contrary, all religions have free scope within our borders. Numbers of our people profess other religions, and many reject all. Nor is it Christian in the sense that a profession of Christianity is a condition of holding office or otherwise engaging in public service, or essential to recognition either politically or socially. In fact, the government as a legal organization is independent of all religions. Nevertheless, we constantly speak of this republic as a Christian Nation—in fact, as the leading Christian Nation of the world. This popular use of the term certainly has significance. It is not a mere creation of the imagination. It is not a term of derision but has substantial basis—one which justifies its use. There is no doubt our country's moral and legal system are derived from a Christian sense of morality. Those who disagree are wrong when trying to purge any and all religious practice in public and especially when attacking Christianity. The practice of Islamic Sharia Law can never be allowed in the US because it not only goes against Christian values; It would also not be protected under the 9th amendment which means that just cause there's religious freedom allowed under the 1st amendment, that does not mean people can just claim their religious beliefs to justify infringing on the rights of others who do not hold the same views. This is the intent of the 9th amendment and it fits with true Christian values which is our ultimate foundation. Islam simply cannot work in the US as sharia law mandates it's spread by any means necessary. It would be a violation of the Constitution and simply should not subvert the Christian fabric.

  • Hallie Stiedemann

    Full letter: Dear Hume, You ask advice: ah, what a very human and very dangerous thing to do! For to give advice to a man who asks what to do with his life implies something very close to egomania. To presume to point a man to the right and ultimate goal — to point with a trembling finger in the RIGHT direction is something only a fool would take upon himself. I am not a fool, but I respect your sincerity in asking my advice. I ask you though, in listening to what I say, to remember that all advice can only be a product of the man who gives it. What is truth to one may be disaster to another. I do not see life through your eyes, nor you through mine. If I were to attempt to give you specific advice, it would be too much like the blind leading the blind. “To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles … ” (Shakespeare) And indeed, that IS the question: whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. So few people understand this! Think of any decision you’ve ever made which had a bearing on your future: I may be wrong, but I don’t see how it could have been anything but a choice however indirect — between the two things I’ve mentioned: the floating or the swimming. But why not float if you have no goal? That is another question. It is unquestionably better to enjoy the floating than to swim in uncertainty. So how does a man find a goal? Not a castle in the stars, but a real and tangible thing. How can a man be sure he’s not after the “big rock candy mountain,” the enticing sugar-candy goal that has little taste and no substance? The answer — and, in a sense, the tragedy of life — is that we seek to understand the goal and not the man. We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things. We adjust to the demands of a concept which CANNOT be valid. When you were young, let us say that you wanted to be a fireman. I feel reasonably safe in saying that you no longer want to be a fireman. Why? Because your perspective has changed. It’s not the fireman who has changed, but you. Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective. So it would seem foolish, would it not, to adjust our lives to the demands of a goal we see from a different angle every day? How could we ever hope to accomplish anything other than galloping neurosis? The answer, then, must not deal with goals at all, or not with tangible goals, anyway. It would take reams of paper to develop this subject to fulfillment. God only knows how many books have been written on “the meaning of man” and that sort of thing, and god only knows how many people have pondered the subject. (I use the term “god only knows” purely as an expression.) There’s very little sense in my trying to give it up to you in the proverbial nutshell, because I’m the first to admit my absolute lack of qualifications for reducing the meaning of life to one or two paragraphs. I’m going to steer clear of the word “existentialism,” but you might keep it in mind as a key of sorts. You might also try something called “Being and Nothingness” by Jean-Paul Sartre, and another little thing called “Existentialism: From Dostoyevsky to Sartre.” These are merely suggestions. If you’re genuinely satisfied with what you are and what you’re doing, then give those books a wide berth. (Let sleeping dogs lie.) But back to the answer. As I said, to put our faith in tangible goals would seem to be, at best, unwise. So we do not strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policemen, nor doctors.WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES. But don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean that we can’t BE firemen, bankers, or doctors — but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal. In every man, heredity and environment have combined to produce a creature of certain abilities and desires — including a deeply ingrained need to function in such a way that his life will be MEANINGFUL. A man has to BE something; he has to matter. As I see it then, the formula runs something like this: a man must choose a path which will let his ABILITIES function at maximum efficiency toward the gratification of his DESIRES. In doing this, he is fulfilling a need (giving himself identity by functioning in a set pattern toward a set goal), he avoids frustrating his potential (choosing a path which puts no limit on his self-development), and he avoids the terror of seeing his goal wilt or lose its charm as he draws closer to it (rather than bending himself to meet the demands of that which he seeks, he has bent his goal to conform to his own abilities and desires). In short, he has not dedicated his life to reaching a pre-defined goal, but he has rather chosen a way of life he KNOWS he will enjoy. The goal is absolutely secondary: it is the functioning toward the goal which is important. And it seems almost ridiculous to say that a man MUST function in a pattern of his own choosing; for to let another man define your own goals is to give up one of the most meaningful aspects of life — the definitive act of will which makes a man an individual. Let’s assume that you think you have a choice of eight paths to follow (all pre-defined paths, of course). And let’s assume that you can’t see any real purpose in any of the eight. THEN — and here is the essence of all I’ve said — you MUST FIND A NINTH PATH. Naturally, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You’ve lived a relatively narrow life, a vertical rather than a horizontal existence. So it isn’t any too difficult to understand why you seem to feel the way you do. But a man who procrastinates in his CHOOSING will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance. So if you now number yourself among the disenchanted, then you have no choice but to accept things as they are, or to seriously seek something else. But beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life. But you say, “I don’t know where to look; I don’t know what to look for.” And there’s the crux. Is it worth giving up what I have to look for something better? I don’t know — is it? Who can make that decision but you? But even by DECIDING TO LOOK, you go a long way toward making the choice. If I don’t call this to a halt, I’m going to find myself writing a book. I hope it’s not as confusing as it looks at first glance. Keep in mind, of course, that this is MY WAY of looking at things. I happen to think that it’s pretty generally applicable, but you may not. Each of us has to create our own credo — this merely happens to be mine. If any part of it doesn’t seem to make sense, by all means call it to my attention. I’m not trying to send you out “on the road” in search of Valhalla, but merely pointing out that it is not necessary to accept the choices handed down to you by life as you know it. There is more to it than that — no one HAS to do something he doesn’t want to do for the rest of his life. But then again, if that’s what you wind up doing, by all means convince yourself that you HAD to do it. You’ll have lots of company. And that’s it for now. Until I hear from you again, I remain, Your friend, Hunter

  • Lilly Bergnaum

    >I already pointed out that Robert had no choice - Aerys ordered Jon Arryn to turn over him and Ned. Their options at that point were to meekly show up to their executions or rebel. I suppose option 3 would have been going into exile, but then they'd be leaving Jon Arryn there to face the consequences of defiance by himself. I'm not trying to argue that Robert's Rebellion was honorable, merely that the circumstances were very different than what led to Renly crowning himself. Obviously the circumstances where not identical. What two events in history truly are? As you said there could have potentially been other options, such as going into exile (and perhaps making it look as if Arryn had meant to comply before Robert and Ned escaped). Or maybe it would have been possible to sue for peace with Rhaegar at the Trident. But that is not what happened and I am not interested in arguing that what Robert did was wrong per se. Merely noting that like Robert, Renly had his reasons to rebel (not all of which consisted of solely wanting to be king). > By that logic, Aegon wasn't the rightful king either. As Jorah pointed out to Dany, he had no claim over the Seven Kingdoms. He took them because he could. For sure! There is an inherent hypocrisy and absurdity to it all. Though the Targaryens did not betray their king to usurp the throne, they only conquered. >After a conquest though, it's generally in everyone's interest to establish some sort of peaceful transfer of power (in the case of a monarchy, that's the line of succession). The alternative is war every time the ruler dies, which is really only one step above complete anarchy. Generally, there is that interest. In this particular situation it could be argued that it was best to rebel once again given the circumstances. > I read that as her repeating the things she heard from Renly. At this point in the story, she's an incredibly naive 17-18 year old girl following her dream guy and living out a song. She has no concept of what war is really like (though she certainly learns over the next couple of books) and she flat out says in AFFC that all she wanted to do was to protect and serve Renly. The theoretical underpinnings behind whether or not Robert's claim was valid had very little to do with it I view that as overly reductive and dismissive (we can agree to disagree). However naïve Brienne was, she still possessed the intelligence to evaluate the situation, and the point she made was valid af. -- hell, she's happy enough to defend Robert when she argues with Jaime about why it was wrong for him to kill the Mad King: Brienne absolutely defended Robert’s actions. That is not incompatible with noticing Robert did not have an inherent right to the throne, but took said right by might. How could she have condemn Robert’s behavior, when she and Renly were modeling themselves after him? >That doesn't seem awfully consistent with what she tells Catelyn about how he was never a legitimate king. Disagree. >Again, why? There are two questions here: 1) Is Joffrey a legitimate king, and 2) If not, who is? If Renly thinks Joffrey is the Mad King come again, why not back his brother Stannis, who might be unlikable but no one would ever accuse of being unjust or mad. Renly viewed Joffrey as legitimate. He was willing to sidestep him, Tommen, and Stannis. As Robert had sidestepped a few heirs himself. He did not view Stannis as a viable option (and there are perfectly logical reasons as to why Renly would have held such a view. Not least among them that the Tyrells would not have had it. > Robert found it in him to pardon men who served King Aerys, so long as they did him fealty. Stannis is less forgiving. He will not have forgotten the siege of Storm's End, and the Lords Tyrell and Redwyne dare not. Every man who fought beneath the dragon banner or rose with Balon Greyjoy will have good cause to fear. Seat Stannis on the Iron Throne and I promise you, the realm will bleed. -AGOT Say what you will about Littlefinger but he is shrewd. He was well aware of the prejudice the Tyrells and Redwynes held against Stannis, and he used that to form an alliance that benefited him. If Renly were backing Stannis, no way he could have amassed the host he raised for himself. I doubt he could have kept it either if he had turned his support to his elder brother mid-swing. Stannis was not a product Westeros was interested in buying. >Renly crowned himself because of ambition. It wasn't that there was no one else or that he was attacked first and was forced to step up or die (like Robert and Ned). Ambition played a massive role. But self-preservation did as well. Who could have seen the shadow baby coming? >That's not the analogy I was talking about -- it was to do with why people follow certain social conventions even though they don't technically have to. The reason people generally respect guest right is that the alternative is a complete breakdown of a functioning feudal society. Likewise, the line of succession prevents there from being a war every few years. Again, through their actions Robert and Stannis set a precedent for breaking the line of succession, and not just that, they set a precedent for why it was sometimes the right thing to do. > It's typically mutually beneficial for everyone to agree to respect these norms, because the alternative is a whole bunch of people dying.  Typically, yes. And had Joffrey been less unhinged I doubt Renly would have been as adamant about removing him from power. >Side note, Robert did not set a precedent for establishing right by conquest. Renly and Brienne did not agree. >Aegon was a conqueror too, and there were plenty of other conquests that happened earlier. However, the whole point of such a conquest is to set up a new dynasty, not to create a society perpetually at war. Sure. But Aegon managed to produce a workable heir. Unlike Robert. He also did not set the precedent that it was sometimes necessary to remove your unfit king. Unlike Robert. >And again, Robert and Ned didn't start the rebellion in a premeditated way, it was a reaction to the Mad King demanding their heads. Whether it was a premeditated rebellion is not the issue. They still rebelled against the king who threatened them. Renly believed himself to be doing the same. > He was only shocked because he didn't think Stannis would be that bold. The scene where he treats with Stannis doesn't read like shock to me at all. It reads like Renly going through the motions of asking Stannis to be realistic and kind of enjoying the fact that he has the upper hand (he thinks) and a chance to stick it to the brother he never really liked. By the time of the parley the shock was well over. Previous to that point he had spoken of Stannis as an asset to him. And I’m sure he was enjoying it. Strategically he had set up quite the upper hand for himself. Good on him for having the ability to develop such beneficial alliances. He did not predict the bitch-move that befell him and if anything lack honor it was the blood magic Stannis used on his own kin and on Ser Cortnay Penrose.

  • Layla Koelpin

    EXPLANATION first of all, it has elements of both dark and anti-humor in it.i'll explain. "my library was called the "tissue paper" hall of fame for newbie perverts" I mean like a cult center/antique sperm bio lab/ teenage sperm keeping dungeon in your school where you store all your brainless jerking specimens and brainless women just fascinate their boyfriends by looking at these designs. it is a representation of teenage puberty with irony. the irony is that it is happening inside a library but the location is supposed to be promoting exactly the opposite thing. the library has now turned into a garden of underage Adams and eves. novels and books are supposed to transcend you to a different dimension. and it did. but it sacrificed all its pages to become tissue paper. this states how human beings are still primitive even when knowledge is all around them. I'll explain this point further in the next few lines. "every lost 13-17 year old used to jack off with a curled Archies comic book or just random b grade novel and every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch that they saw in these books. like a slambook but with invisible horrifying forms of signatures" "invisible horrifying forms of signatures" is a representation of the interaction between the underage girl and the stinking semen. it just shows the comedian's reaction to the behavior of females. it is to prove that all sexes are a part of this mess. "every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch" shows the misogyny and the dominance of male sex during my school years(which was the 90's). "like their font size was small but the length had a green panache to it" I'm talking about how small a human male sperm is but how it's style has a sense of nature in it. like they are microorganisms that come out of our body in the name of human nature. the second meaning is that this nature is totally rotten. like a cum patch that is stinking in this mess of humanity. I further explain the mess by giving an example of my own sperm. this is where I start self-depreciation. "out of those patches, I used to call my one, the aristocrat. because that was what I learned from Napolean and Hitler. if your life makes you look small, make it humongous with a fancy word." I'm trying to point to myself in this part. I didn't point a difference between me and my sperm. and then I called the army of my sperms as an aristocrat. it is a pun where I'm pointing out the major deficiencies that the two main characters had in this part. like they both had problems with their genitalia and an ego-defensive attitude towards it. they both started off with a fancy theory, like fascism and military dictatorship to console themselves for having this defect. the word" humongous" shows the ego I have that sort of resembles with these two characters and their ego-defensive mechanisms. the irony is that I have called myself "a patch of sperms". this was also the self-deprecating part. "but yeah, I didn't get "that respect" that I was seeking for. I wasn't a regular performer anyway but things got around when our librarian got pregnant." it shows that I failed even in creating an ego-defensive mechanism for this situation. " that respect" talks about the amount of ego that I was trying to built up in this chaotic environment. "I wasn't a regular performer" talks about how all humans are just performers who will be thrown into the garbage. it also states that the library was sort of a debauchery hotspot where you try to impress the opposite sex. this part brings a transition into the next main element of the story. this element is at the post oblivious point in this devastating habitat that all the performers were living. her pregnancy is the symbol of stability that I will destroy because of my frustration. I explain this further by talking about how I channel this anger to her like any other chaotic environment will do. "the school had to burn all those books, (all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that." this shows how fucked up my school was. it is kind of surreal to imagine a school that tolerates their teenagers to cum inside their library books .it took a pregnant staff member for them to burn it all. like they don't give a shit about the children's health in school but when it comes to an unborn baby, they are all in for some nazi shit. it has reference to the incident when the nazi burned a lot of books and art pieces for protecting their stability of power over students. "(all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that. like every heavyweight jerkoff stopped giving autographs to respect this wonderful stage of a woman's journey but I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" this is the point where I try to be a hero but I end up being an anti-hero. I failed in becoming a nazi myself. so I turned against them. I wanted to destroy their stability because of my failure to be someone in this fucked up world. like a dumb, sinister rebel trying to go against the government by stealing his own rotten cum patches. I'm trying to prove that I'm better than heavyweights in this business by doing something way horrible than they could ever imagine. but I fail in that too. which I will explain towards the end. it has a cringe humor based explanation given that states"I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" " "so, on teacher's day of 2009, we were ordered to make her happy. like for her child and shit so I gifted her an origami toy that was made from all my slambook papers. it was beautiful. it was a nazi sign but with a 45 degree tilt to make it feel auspicious and child-friendly. at least that's how I gave it to her. " "we were ordered" shows the autocratic environment I was living in this school. the origami toy shows hoe innocently I gave this as a gift to the librarian. but I ended up giving her a nazi sign itself. which she found auspicious for her unborn baby. I tried to be as disgusting as possible but it all turned against me. "and I'm still waiting for that baby to call me up and say something dirty in german or European language irrespective of whatever sex it was born into. cause I'm a liberal and I do believe in unity. like a hardcore new age cult maker type of unity" this shows the state of failure I'm experiencing. like I am such a loser that I'm awaiting the call from a baby so that I feel that my mission was accomplished. towards the end, I try to be a hero but I end being the villain. it shows the evolution of the political system and its fate to become a failure.

  • Anna Zboncak

    EXPLANATION OF THE MATERIAL first of all, it has elements of both dark and anti-humor in it.i'll explain. "my library was called the "tissue paper" hall of fame for newbie perverts" I mean like a cult center/antique sperm bio lab/ teenage sperm keeping dungeon in your school where you store all your brainless jerking specimens and brainless women just fascinate their boyfriends by looking at these designs. it is a representation of teenage puberty with irony. the irony is that it is happening inside a library but the location is supposed to be promoting exactly the opposite thing. the library has now turned into a garden of underage Adams and eves. novels and books are supposed to transcend you to a different dimension. and it did. but it sacrificed all its pages to become tissue paper. this states how human beings are still primitive even when knowledge is all around them. I'll explain this point further in the next few lines. "every lost 13-17 year old used to jack off with a curled Archies comic book or just random b grade novel and every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch that they saw in these books. like a slambook but with invisible horrifying forms of signatures" "invisible horrifying forms of signatures" is a representation of the interaction between the underage girl and the stinking semen. it just shows the comedian's reaction to the behavior of females. it is to prove that all sexes are a part of this mess. "every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch" shows the misogyny and the dominance of male sex during my school years(which was the 90's). "like their font size was small but the length had a green panache to it" I'm talking about how small a human male sperm is but how it's style has a sense of nature in it. like they are microorganisms that come out of our body in the name of human nature. the second meaning is that this nature is totally rotten. like a cum patch that is stinking in this mess of humanity. I further explain the mess by giving an example of my own sperm. this is where I start self-depreciation. "out of those patches, I used to call my one, the aristocrat. because that was what I learned from Napolean and Hitler. if your life makes you look small, make it humongous with a fancy word." I'm trying to point to myself in this part. I didn't point a difference between me and my sperm. and then I called the army of my sperms as an aristocrat. it is a pun where I'm pointing out the major deficiencies that the two main characters had in this part. like they both had problems with their genitalia and an ego-defensive attitude towards it. they both started off with a fancy theory, like fascism and military dictatorship to console themselves for having this defect. the word" humongous" shows the ego I have that sort of resembles with these two characters and their ego-defensive mechanisms. the irony is that I have called myself "a patch of sperms". this was also the self-deprecating part. "but yeah, I didn't get "that respect" that I was seeking for. I wasn't a regular performer anyway but things got around when our librarian got pregnant." it shows that I failed even in creating an ego-defensive mechanism for this situation. " that respect" talks about the amount of ego that I was trying to built up in this chaotic environment. "I wasn't a regular performer" talks about how all humans are just performers who will be thrown into the garbage. it also states that the library was sort of a debauchery hotspot where you try to impress the opposite sex. this part brings a transition into the next main element of the story. this element is at the post oblivious point in this devastating habitat that all the performers were living. her pregnancy is the symbol of stability that I will destroy because of my frustration. I explain this further by talking about how I channel this anger to her like any other chaotic environment will do. "the school had to burn all those books, (all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that." this shows how fucked up my school was. it is kind of surreal to imagine a school that tolerates their teenagers to cum inside their library books .it took a pregnant staff member for them to burn it all. like they don't give a shit about the children's health in school but when it comes to an unborn baby, they are all in for some nazi shit. it has reference to the incident when the nazi burned a lot of books and art pieces for protecting their stability of power over students. "(all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that. like every heavyweight jerkoff stopped giving autographs to respect this wonderful stage of a woman's journey but I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" this is the point where I try to be a hero but I end up being an anti-hero. I failed in becoming a nazi myself. so I turned against them. I wanted to destroy their stability because of my failure to be someone in this fucked up world. like a dumb, sinister rebel trying to go against the government by stealing his own rotten cum patches. I'm trying to prove that I'm better than heavyweights in this business by doing something way horrible than they could ever imagine. but I fail in that too. which I will explain towards the end. it has a cringe humor based explanation given that states"I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" " "so, on teacher's day of 2009, we were ordered to make her happy. like for her child and shit so I gifted her an origami toy that was made from all my slambook papers. it was beautiful. it was a nazi sign but with a 45 degree tilt to make it feel auspicious and child-friendly. at least that's how I gave it to her. " "we were ordered" shows the autocratic environment I was living in this school. the origami toy shows hoe innocently I gave this as a gift to the librarian. but I ended up giving her a nazi sign itself. which she found auspicious for her unborn baby. I tried to be as disgusting as possible but it all turned against me. "and I'm still waiting for that baby to call me up and say something dirty in german or European language irrespective of whatever sex it was born into. cause I'm a liberal and I do believe in unity. like a hardcore new age cult maker type of unity" this shows the state of failure I'm experiencing. like I am such a loser that I'm awaiting the call from a baby so that I feel that my mission was accomplished. towards the end, I try to be a hero but I end being the villain. it shows the evolution of the political system and its fate to become a failure.

  • Vincenza Bins

    _Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Tamy time!_ 1. When I read about Alysanne, I see a world of potential. Zulu and Shinku have done a fantastic job writing her so far, and I wish only to expand on what they’ve developed – perhaps I may be wrong, but as she grows into her traits, I see her being a very strong woman who focuses on her friendships but perhaps not as much her family. Her connections with the Ladies Daenerys, Marya, Elia, Rhaenys, etc, will be what Alysanne focuses on most. I think that in time, especially as she comes of age, **Daenerys** may be a person Alysanne reaches out to to sort out issues relating to her being a woman, and perhaps far more. I have no doubt that respect will bloom from it, if it has not already. In regards to family, in her future years I do not doubt that Alysanne will come to see **Vaemar** as a sort of heavenly character. A person she can, for all intents and purposes, study, not unlike any marble statue. She loves him, obviously, and that love will only grow fiercer, but she also may come to idolize him as the pinnacle of what a King should be. Her younger sister, **Helaena**, will be the conduit in which I see Alysanne actually taking out all her grievances. While cordial right now, I can see their personalities – especially with Alys grows into her mental illness – clashing more oft than not. Expanding this further, I see a potential for them to hate one another for a few years, then come full circle and make up once more. Perhaps relating to Alysanne’s pseudo isolation, and how she chooses her friends? For **Daeron,** I can see her being conflicted, as stated above, but she has to come to a conclusion at one point right? But _what_ conclusion? She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s homosexual, and when she comes to realize that – much to her own self-loathing, she may demand more and more of Daeron. I can see her demanding that he make her love him. I can see her getting _angry_ over it. I can even see her getting flat-out abusive (But I’m unsure if this will be a story arc either of us will want to pursue.) Furthermore, I can see her being more initially a tease, trying to make light of their betrothal. A chance to relieve the burden of stress on either of them would go a long way. I’ll also take my time to write up her mental illness. I want this to be a large part of her story. Regarding her homosexuality, perhaps her own fears and illness can lead into her thinking she’s imperfect, worrying, and becoming something totally different than her normal façade. I’m not certain what this illness is yet, but regardless be assured that it will be a major part of her story. I don’t see Alysanne as a woman who will pick up books every day of her life and read them in her free time. (A lot of my characters have this issue – characterization failures) But I do see her being more hands-on. Not unlike she has been before, I see her taking her knowledge from those she knows, rather than any credible sources. (Implying Maesters are credible) She’ll take her knowledge of the world from Daenerys, Marya, her tutors, Vaemar, and Daeron, and to a lesser extent, once they get older, Helaena. She’d be the woman who tosses aside logic to follow her heart. But I think one of her key characteristics going forward will be this: She’ll never betray those she loves. --- 2. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Also yes. I’ve played large roles in the past on various other roleplays but I’ve never had the chance to play something so large on ITP – I’m nevertheless confident in my ability to provide a steady source of RP to people who require it, and to post within the threshold of at most two days – I’m going to hold myself to that, unless I ever had a reason to be inactive. I once applied for Tyrell a long while ago, and my answer was the same – I’d toss away a _lot_ to RP here, and that sentiment remains the same. If I am to become Queen, then I do will my absolute best to hold to the standards I’ve been set. --- 3. I wrote what came to mind. > Alysanne’s hands drew up the length of her face as she regarded herself in the mirror. _Curious,_ she thought, not for the first time. Ten years old, now, and there had been some small differences, but she couldn’t point them all out. Taller, more slender? Her gowns of eight years did not fit her any longer, and her slender legs were no longer able to enjoy the comfort of sofas as much as she had before. But there was something else – something _wrong._ She didn’t _feel_ right. When she glanced at Helaena, she always regarded her younger sister curiously, but now… > _What was wrong?_ > Her mind was muddled. Regarding herself, she turned away from the mirror. Her chambers were not large as her father’s, but they held a simple grandeur to them that she had missed when he had went away. Spending time with Rhaenys had taught her some small things about the common folk, but she detested them all the same. At least the girls had been… _alright._ The lack of vanity, large bed, and comfort of any kind had made it a rather dreary experience, outside all the venture of it. She had always wanted to go on an adventure. > She seated herself in a crimson sofa not far from the windows overlooking the city. Nighttime had come already, and dinner had come and gone too. But she still wasn’t feeling right. She felt she didn’t belong in her own skin. There was a subtle itch everywhere, too – in her arms, legs, in her belly. She was flustered, breathing heavy. > Then came the fear. Something was wrong, and she didn’t know how to fix it. Her heart began to race, and she felt the world closing in around her. She closed her eyes, curled up, felt her cheeks heat as the space closed in. _No,_ she thought. _No, no, no, no!_ She felt herself squeezing. She felt herself scream, but she did not hear it. Then it was over. > She had to open her eyes slowly. There were small tears budding where her cheeks had once been dry, but she wiped them away quick. No, she couldn’t cry. She was a… _dragon,_ after all, wasn’t she? A Targaryen. A fire-breathing serpent that no one would stand in the way of. _Right?_ She cast a glance back at herself in the mirror, now half-way across the room. > Yes, there _was_ something wrong, but she didn’t need to know what it was. Not yet. This had been the first time in some months this had happened, and she wasn’t going to let it happen again. Perhaps it was time to go see Helaena again, or maybe even Daeron. > _Yes,_ she thought, lips curling up in a smile. _We ought to spend some more time together, don’t we, Daeron?_ > Alysanne laughed. She was going to give him _hell._

  • Damon Schiller

    first of all, it has elements of both dark and anti-humor in it.i'll explain. "my library was called the "tissue paper" hall of fame for newbie perverts" I mean like a cult center/antique sperm bio lab/ teenage sperm keeping dungeon in your school where you store all your brainless jerking specimens and brainless women just fascinate their boyfriends by looking at these designs. it is a representation of teenage puberty with irony. the irony is that it is happening inside a library but the location is supposed to be promoting exactly the opposite thing. the library has now turned into a garden of underage Adams and eves. novels and books are supposed to transcend you to a different dimension. and it did. but it sacrificed all its pages to become tissue paper. this states how human beings are still primitive even when knowledge is all around them. I'll explain this point further in the next few lines. "every lost 13-17 year old used to jack off with a curled Archies comic book or just random b grade novel and every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch that they saw in these books. like a slambook but with invisible horrifying forms of signatures" "invisible horrifying forms of signatures" is a representation of the interaction between the underage girl and the stinking semen. it just shows the comedian's reaction to the behavior of females. it is to prove that all sexes are a part of this mess. "every girl tried to predict the owner of the patch" shows the misogyny and the dominance of male sex during my school years(which was the 90's). "like their font size was small but the length had a green panache to it" I'm talking about how small a human male sperm is but how it's style has a sense of nature in it. like they are microorganisms that come out of our body in the name of human nature. the second meaning is that this nature is totally rotten. like a cum patch that is stinking in this mess of humanity. I further explain the mess by giving an example of my own sperm. this is where I start self-depreciation. "out of those patches, I used to call my one, the aristocrat. because that was what I learned from Napolean and Hitler. if your life makes you look small, make it humongous with a fancy word." I'm trying to point to myself in this part. I didn't point a difference between me and my sperm. and then I called the army of my sperms as an aristocrat. it is a pun where I'm pointing out the major deficiencies that the two main characters had in this part. like they both had problems with their genitalia and an ego-defensive attitude towards it. they both started off with a fancy theory, like fascism and military dictatorship to console themselves for having this defect. the word" humongous" shows the ego I have that sort of resembles with these two characters and their ego-defensive mechanisms. the irony is that I have called myself "a patch of sperms". this was also the self-deprecating part. "but yeah, I didn't get "that respect" that I was seeking for. I wasn't a regular performer anyway but things got around when our librarian got pregnant." it shows that I failed even in creating an ego-defensive mechanism for this situation. " that respect" talks about the amount of ego that I was trying to built up in this chaotic environment. "I wasn't a regular performer" talks about how all humans are just performers who will be thrown into the garbage. it also states that the library was sort of a debauchery hotspot where you try to impress the opposite sex. this part brings a transition into the next main element of the story. this element is at the post oblivious point in this devastating habitat that all the performers were going living. her pregnancy is the symbol of stability that I will destroy because of my frustration. I explain this further by talking about how I channel this anger to her like any other chaotic environment will do. "the school had to burn all those books, (all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that." this shows how fucked up my school was. it is kind of surreal to imagine a school that tolerates their teenagers to cum inside their library books .it took a pregnant staff member for them to burn it all. like they don't give a shit about the children's health in school but when it comes to an unborn baby, they are all in for some nazi shit. it has reference to the incident when the nazi burned a lot of books and art pieces for protecting their stability of power over students. "(all of them except mine because I stole all of it the other day, yeah I care about them than any man could). they burned all of it so her fetus didn't get "dirty" but I didn't give a shit about that. like every heavyweight jerkoff stopped giving autographs to respect this wonderful stage of a woman's journey but I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" this is the point where I try to be a hero but I end up being an anti-hero. I failed in becoming a nazi myself. so I turned against them. I wanted to destroy their stability because of my failure to be someone in this fucked up world. like a dumb, sinister rebel trying to go against the government by stealing his own rotten cum patches. I'm trying to prove that I'm better than heavyweights in this business by doing something way horrible than they could ever imagine. but I fail in that too. which I will explain towards the end. it has a cringe humor based explanation given that states"I was already depressed with my sex life. like what was I supposed to do? my sperm's name is the aristocrat and there weren't anybody to make me "narcissistic' happy" " "so, on teacher's day of 2009, we were ordered to make her happy. like for her child and shit so I gifted her an origami toy that was made from all my slambook papers. it was beautiful. it was a nazi sign but with a 45 degree tilt to make it feel auspicious and child-friendly. at least that's how I gave it to her. " "we were ordered" shows the autocratic environment I was living in this school. the origami toy shows hoe innocently I gave this as a gift to the librarian. but I ended up giving her a nazi sign itself. which she found auspicious for her unborn baby. I tried to be as disgusting as possible but it all turned against me. "and I'm still waiting for that baby to call me up and say something dirty in german or European language irrespective of whatever sex it was born into. cause I'm a liberal and I do believe in unity. like a hardcore new age cult maker type of unity" this shows the state of failure I'm experiencing. like I am such a loser that I'm awaiting the call from a baby so that I feel that my mission was accomplished. towards the end, I try to be a hero but I end being the villain. it shows the evolution of the political system and its fate to become a failure.

  • Reece Pfeffer

    Let me clue you in on the format I have in my One Note organization with this reset of the Savage North, and show my age for a while, I was an avid Ultima fan before Electronic Arts fucked it up. I found an article from Ultima’s creator, Richard “Lord British” Garriot, that gave me a tip on game designing that I use all the time in my campaign design. It’s the 4D Notebook (Richard calls it a Spreadsheet, but he didn’t have Microsoft Office when he made this concept.) (Link: http://www.pcgamer.com/richard-garriott-game-designers-suck/) When I start a notebook for a campaign, I make 4 sections: “People,” for the NPCs, Characters, Major Monsters and Big Bads; “Places,” for the locations, maps, dungeons, and points of interests; “Things,” for the key items, material, and artifacts; and “Story;” for the main storyline, side quests, player developments, and anything else that comes with the campaign. All of the topics in the sections are organized and linked to each other for easy reference. When I convert this thread into a publishable document, I’ll be breaking everything down in this format. I find it easier to follow than some printed books, including some books from WotC. #The Beliard Doppelganger I created an outline for the mini quest, which I’ll include in this entrant because I have room (10,000-character limit and all. It’s based on a couple footnotes made in *Volo’s Guide to the North* (Page 36) **Part 1: Setup** The party would receive word about the four missing spice merchants. Have the party look around, and find out that Blasko Halamar (Of the stabler Halamar’s Horses) knowing more, since he's the one who saw them last. **Part 2: Trail** Blasko will talk about the spice merchants, but doesn't know anything else. He will have a dozen stable boys helping him out, one of them is the Doppelganger. The Doppelganger will remain in his guise and tell the party in private that he seen the merchants in a pit in the city dump north of town. **Part 3: Encounter** The party will arrive at the Kill Pit to find the spice merchants dead and the Doppelganger assuming its true form to make the party the next victim. For Tiers 1 and 2, just the Doppelganger will do, but you can increase the difficulty by making the corpses he hadn’t eaten yet into various undead to join the party. I have my own variation of *Curse of Strahd*’s Strahd Zombie (Speed of 60’ and Intelligence of 10 [+0]), and will add one for each Tier from 3 up. The Pit is also where the Doppelganger spits out the bones and dumps all the treasure in, so you can generate a horde there as an award. Digging in a dump, though, has its own challenges. Of course. #On to the ‘c’s **Cairn Road** (Page 77) It can stay as written, being a short road. I might set up a Mission House where the Cairin, Dessarin, and Termoor Roads meet. I usually put Mission Houses to provide a place for parties to crash and for a refuge for those who are in trouble. I’ll be making a common map for these Mission Houses, and develop them later in the thread. **Calling Horns** (Pages 77-78) Even if *Storm King’s Thunder* has been taken care of, and the *Rod of the Vonindod* is no longer a concern, the Troll encounter here can still be used. Also, Letters of Recommendation is a good way to encourage exploration and minor quests. **Carnath Roadhouse** (Page 78) You’ll get more information out of this with *Hoard of the Dragon Queen* and I’ll be incorporating stuff from that book here. Especially of interest is a development that happened while I was running that campaign. One of my players, who ran a tiefling warlock with a personality like Morrigan from Darkstarkers, died during this campaign IRL. Out of Respect, I have his character take over Castle Naerytar near this location. The castle will be rebuilt and repurposed as a place where the party can visit for any needed clues, as well as to deal with any local quests that surround the Mere of Dead Men, such as the twin Black Dragons. I’ll tell you more about Castle Naerytar when we come to the Mere of Dead Men, during the ‘m’s, and I hope to have a demo document available on the revised Naerytar by the time I get to the ‘n’s. **Citadel Adbar** (Pages 78-79) Any connections to Ironslag isn’t part of this reset, but if you haven’t dealt with the doppelgangers and yakfolk, they would make for a very interesting encounter. “Harnoth” might entreat the party for a dinner to learn more about their exploits and to inform them about the problems the Shield Dwarves are having as of late (he’d hint at some of the dwarves talking about usurping the throne, although it would be the doppelganger’s decision that was causing it.) During the meeting, the Yakfolk charge in, and try to kill “Harnoth.” If they succeed, Harnoth is revealed as his true self, causing shock and a lot of questions in the dwarven population there. Even with the Elder’s explaining matters, it’s sure to cause an uproar. But if the party succeeds in protecting the King, he’ll give shield pendants and the Letter of Recommendation as written. **Citadel Felbarr** (Page 79) The Encounter listed here won’t be appropriate in a post *Storm King’s Thunder* Realms, but King Morinn and Queen Tithmel would have another problem that needs dealing with: They would have heard about what’s going on in Citadel Adbar, and would realize that things might not be as they seem. They heard about King Harnoth not acting like himself, and fear that old age or battle fatigue is catching up with him. They will request the party to investigate the matter. They can be easily placated with the Shield Pendants Harnoth would give to them, but if the truth is revealed, the King and Queen would’ve expected something like this would happen, because they have seen the real Harnoth get killed, but with the stand-in, nobody believed them. The Dwarves in Felbarr would want to deal with Adbar, and possibily take it over and instill a king that they would trust. Cue a quest of Dwarven Political Intrigue that I’ll plug in when the need arises. (Or I have some time free, whichever comes first.) **Coldwood** I’m removing this section, and focusing more on Glimmervoid (when I get to the ‘g’s) **Crags** If you need a spare Mine to plug in, or some quest to take out Goblinoids with Barbarians, this area is a great place to plug it in. I’ll probably throw in a sample adventure just for the occasion.

  • Gerald Hahn

    My shit is by no means together but i read two books Mastery by G leonard and The Slight Edge. One talks about focusing on the daily grind and learning to love it and the other is about doing small things everyday that pile up after a few years and then have immense impact. Basically if you spend two hours studying daily then that is 14 every week and 730h every year. That much effort is bound to make you a better person. However the scary part is that it works the other way around as well. Be mean to people, don't work hard and you will find yourself doing badly in an year's time. Don't change your life overnight! It will overwhelm you and you will give up. Slowly and one by one solve your problems and replace your bad habits. I used to be sad and unmotivated, i dropped out of college and stayed at home playing video games. I watched one punch man and he said that he trained everyday, he did 100 pushups 100 squads 100 situps and 10km run and after three years he became too strong. That motivated me to do the same and i got hurt badly because i am not anime and i need 48h time between training sessions and real running shoes. Google and fitness people are good for giving sport advice. It'd been 2 months and i trained regularly. So i thought why can't i apply this for other things? I was training 3 times a week but still couldn't sit down and study nor get a job. Instead i did all the chores weekly for my household: cooking cleaning, ironing, dusting, vacuuming, mopping the floor. My logic was that this way i was making work experience for free for myself. My parents stopped nagging me which gave me some space. It's pretty hard to nag me when i iron everyone's shit. Next step was my attitude. I was very apathetic and didn't smile. I would talk badly to myself in the mirror alone in the bathroom with the door locked. I decided to smile to myself everytime i saw myself in the mirror. It was so painful because i felt i didn't deserve it. But with time i got used to it and felt pleased to see myself smiling. Then i smiled everytime i talked or met someone, and somehow my social life happened and my parents didn't think i was sick or tired anymore. I think i developed a respect for myself while learning to smile at myself or something. I was big on anime and wanted to draw anime girls and learn jap but i was scared of my parents and brother dismissing it and making fun of me(even though they have never done anything like that. My mom squinted angrily at my drawing once and that image is still in my mind). At that time i listened to an interview with Dave Rapoza an artist who said to start working on your passion and not be a wimp cause life is too short. All artist interviewed say the same damn thing: do it don't be a puss puss. Was that the magical bullet?? So i became angry at myself for being a fucking shitassed wimp! I have had enough. I grabbed a stupid old pen and notebook from highschool and forced myself to draw. I could and still hear people's voices echoing in my mind that I'm bad and shouldn't even try. It felt like an uphill battle. I started thinking *doing it yolo doing it yolo doing it yolo* to silence the imaginary naysayers. It felt like dark souls, i knew nothing and i kept getting anxious. I'd do one drawing and give up. I would always do it when i have little time. Like I'd have to go out or go for an interview in 20minutes so I was rushed. Do a trash drawing and try not to criticize myself as i draw, be angery, then walk downtown for the interview. Walking apparently calmed me and i felt peaceful when i arrived. I was always leaving late and i had to walk fast. After a lot of that i decided to plan better and leave on time. I set my clock 5 mins ahead and prepared my clothes 30mins in advance. And it felt odd and boring. It's like i was addicted to the rush of being late so I'd sabotage myself to be late and i still do this sometimes. I am bad with following a schedule. So the first thing i do when i wake up is train. This is this year's training journal http://imgur.com/a/5NscQ After that i would do a drawing. I stopped using a sleeping mask and now the sun wakes me up very early. My very hungry doggo also wakes me up unreasonably early which in turn made me tired at 10pm and i couldnt binge anime so i sleep normally now. It feels so good to feel tired and go to sleep early. I picked up japanese and oh my god it had three alphabets, end me. God bless Tae Kim. It wasn't so bad now since i had enough experience silencing my mind that i could spend some time doing things i wanted somewhat easily. Unfortunatelly i got jobs so i had less time for art and jap. I got hired since i applied to everything in the ad sites. I had no experience, no degrees but yolo do i look like i give a shit. Engineer ads, teacher ads, cleaner, cook, etc. So far i had 3 jobs. A seasonal job in the military base nearby sorting laundry, a pizza cook but hurt my wrist from beating dough, and now a waiter at a small pub for 4 months so far and going strong. With the cash i help with groceries and built a pc and bought a guitar. I don't spend at all, i don't use transport instead i walk. I prepare and eat raw cabbage and home leftovers for work lunch. My friends are on discord friends cause i don't go out at all. But bosses and colleagues seems to like me a lot since i am quote driven, reliable and nice unquote. I don't care what others think anymore, but a friend says i might have some self inflicted disorder since i have read so many self help books and force myself to work out. I don't mind working and serving people but I'd rather do my own things. Right now my time is limited, but my day has shape. I am keeping my steam game timer below 10h as a goal, i just play rocket league right now which is fine since matches are 5min and i can squeeze a game here and there. But now I'm coasting! I need to get angery and study code or something cause minimum wage sucks in Bulgaria and working all day 7days a week is stupid! !!! I wanna buy Ryzen and game on 4k, and i can afford it but i think I'd be better to save and invest in education. I want to keep drawing qt anime grills and play skyrim bard songs. My issue now is i am on reddit, discord and youtube instead of learning jap more. Thinking about learning code makes me anxious. I have a lot of respect for myself but i still need to get my shit together!! Tl;dr: get so angery and fed up with your shit life that you start working for yourself. Use anger to force yourself to learn how to look after yourself.

  • Candace Toy

    You have some interesting and difficult questions here and I'm going to link to some things which may, occasionally, be difficult to read. I'm going to link to them because they are accurate and written by experts (unlike, say, wikipedia). > Hi, I am a high school student who wants to start a research paper for a History of Europe class on Nietzsche's philosophies, currently, my research question is basically how much Nietzsche's philosophical idea of the Ubermensch affected Hilter/Nazis. This is an interesting topic, though broad! Also, there is a problem of "affect." Did the Nazi's read Nietzsche because Nietzsche agreed with what they already believed or did the Nazi's become Nazi's because they read Nietzsche? Proving one over the other requires serious historical work! An easier thesis might just be about whether or not Nietzsche's writings really mesh with Nazi ideology in some specific way. (Both are too big to survey all of!) > I don't really get why Nietzsche dislikes religion so much. My teacher says it's because religion defines good and bad for people; but if so, why does Nietzsche urge for people to create their own good and bad? If you hate something for trying to define morality, why define morality for yourself? Also, if Nietzsche wanted overmen to define morality, isn't that what Hitler did? Nietzsche is worried about a few things with respect to religion. (1) [Nietzsche does not think the kind of morality offered by Christianity is feasible.](https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/nietzsche-moral-political/#1) He thinks that there cannot be a universal morality for all people because people are two different for a single system to properly apply to them. Also, Nietzsche does not think that people are free enough nor can known their own motivations enough to be able to be properly 'judged' in the way that common moral systems do. Separate from those general problems, Nietzsche does not like moral systems which worship, as he calls it, at the 'church of compassion.' That is, moral systems which aim primarily to ease suffering. Nietzsche thinks that suffering is not essentially bad - it is a part of life and sometimes, even, it is good. Further, Nietzsche worries that the systems of morality primarily arise from people becoming resentful toward people who exercise the power of their will. The power of will is good, Nietzsche thinks, and it should be the source of moral values. Not all people may be able to do his, unfortunately. (It's not their fault, Nietzsche would say.) Some might be born with too much slavery in their wills. (How many people? Nietzsche never says. People have different views on this.) [Above all, Nietzsche wants people to flourish.](https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/nietzsche-moral-political/#2) This involves them fashioning themselves into specific kinds of beings which he calls self-over-coming. People who will continue to advance what it means to be human by exercising their wills in increasingly complex and excellent ways aiming to be *Übermensch*, or "over-men," people who will be so great that they would look at us the same way we look at apes (as he puts it in *Thus Spoke Zarathustra*). > I also want to ask if it is even valid to relate Hitler to Nietzsche's Ubermensch, since I know many sources claim Nietzsche's published work over that period of time was edited by his sister, so the Nazis weren't exactly getting the image of the overman that we might get now? Or is this irrelevant since there were works actually published by Nietzsche during that time already. Most critical editions of *Mein Kampf* have a few sparse footnotes that suggest that Hitler's writings were influenced by or meant to allude to Nietzsche - specifically Nietzsche's late and posthumous works collected by his sister, Elizabeth. So, the connection is loose. There were a lot of nationalistic ideas in the 'air' in Germany when Hilter published *Mein Kampf* - this is, after all, how Hitler rises to power. > In addition, knowing that Nietzsche himself was a very isolated man, the fact that he claims an isolated man as ideal does seem a little fishy to me. My teacher tells me that I should take Nietzsche's personal identity out of the equation for this research paper as only focusing on his ideas and how this was put into use by the Nazis is what's important. I could also change my research question to be about Nietzsche and not about about Nazi Germany, but then my paper would be fully philosophical, and I'm not sure how well I'll do that way. Your teacher is giving you good advice here. Nietzsche, throughout his life, had few friends and spent much of his life sick and alone. This, in combination with how Nietzsche wrote, makes it very hard to know what Nietzsche "really thought." But this presents no special problem since have so much writing left over to see what Nietzche *said.* So it might be best to think about your question in terms of, 'To what degree do Nietzsche's writings support such-and-such Nazi claim?' > I would also like to ask if anyone viewing this has a good source that they think I should read for this paper. OR if this paper doesn't sound right for me. This paper can only be 2000 words by the way, I know it's short, which is exactly why I'm not sure what to write about. Sorry if this question doesn't seem appropriate here, this is my first reddit post! Since your paper is so short, it might help to focus specifically on a key part of the Nazi ideology. Some specific confusions seem to arise about whether or not Nietzsche was an anti-semite, whether Nietzsche supported German nationalism, and whether Nietzsche thought the *Übermensch* was specifically correlated to the so-called "Aryan" race through Nietzsche's "Blonde Beast." (Most people argue: no, no, and no.) These would still be difficult research papers! Still, they are well-worn topics that people have written a lot about so you could find quite a lot of sources. Most introductory books to Nietzsche will contain a section about the connection with the Nazis (just check the index).

  • Rubye Wisoky

    You know something, you've taken the time to actually ask, so I'm going to actually answer for you, because you're doing more than anyone else. >A. What is, in your opinion, "political correctness"? To me, "political correctness" in is purest form is an aspect of basically saying "Don't be a dick, be a dude". Actually treat everybody with the dignity and respect that you would hope people would have for you. Which is good. However, I personally believe that this core premise has become corrupted and perverted by far left regressives. It's now become a tool to silence, harass and ruin peoples lives. It's gone from "fair treatment" to "preferrential treatment", and that isn't fair to anybody. For example, here in the UK, there's an organisation called "Operation Black Vote", and they ran a campaign where black celebrities would put on white face, with the slogan "If you don't vote, you take the colour out of Britain". Had that have been the other way round, and the BNP had white people put on black face, with the slogan "Britain will face dark times if you don't vote!" then that would actually be racist. You can't just say "This is racist when you do it, not when we do it". As for the response to it. It depends on the situation. If it's rational, reasonable and worth thinking about, then let's talk about it. We may not agree, but at least we're coming away from it with something. However, if it's "Air conditioning is sexist", ot "This video game character is too sexy" or "Hey, make these white movie characters black", you deserve to be told to fuck off. >B. How would you characterize "nerd/geek" culture? This might be considered controversial for this specific sub-reddit. But I don't believe in "geek culture". You just enjoy what you enjoy, because I grew up where if you were a geek, you were an outcast. Especially with comic books, video games and things like that becoming so mainstream now. That isn't being a "geek" to me. Now, as for "what counts as a video game". It's just that, it's being a game, with a game, you can win, or you can lose, there has to be something to overcome. Take "Sunset" for example, not a game, it's an interactive story. I don't see any challenge, I don't see anything to overcome. As for "artistic expression", I'm not really in a position where I can say what is or isn't legitimate. Someone could shit on a piece of paper, and call it "The Internal Struggle of the Lonesome", and I'd say "What the fuck?! It's shit on a piece of paper! How the fuck is this art?!" and someone else would say "This is absolutely genius, I must have it in my foyer!" so to them, it is legitimate. It's your own beliefs and perspectives, there isn't really a consensus. >C. How would you define "feminism"? What was once a noble and necessary movement (much like political correctness) has been perverted and corrupted. I remember in the mid-90s, when feminism was empowerment. It was girl power, it was "Fuck you, you think I can't do this?! Well watch me do it!" It was about self improvement, it was about making a change for the better. It was about raising themselves and other women around them up. Then about 10 years later, it became less about "Fuck you, I can do this" to "Fuck you, do this for me, or you're a sexist". It became a movement where they didn't want to improve themselves, instead of raising women up, it seeks to tear men down, hamstring them, shame them for their own interests, desires and even grooming products The wage gap has been horribly misrepresented. If we're working the same job for 9 hours, a day doing the same amount of work, damn right I expect us to earn the same. But that's not really the case, and that gets glossed over. I don't think there's a disparity. If a woman turns up for a class in a STEM field, there aren't any bouncers saying "Oi, you can't come in here, fuck off over to the gender studies class". No one is stopping women entering them. It's personal choice, and if a woman doesn't enter the STEM fields, then that's their choice. But they can't turn round when they don't enter it, and then say "There aren't enough women in here, you're being sexist!" I don't believe there's a "patriarchy". And in the west, I don't think there's a rape culture. Because we arrest rapists. Hell, rapists get the shit kicked out of them in the real world and in prison. Everyone knows it's bad, that's why it's against the law. The things I have been told are "rape culture" are becoming more and more petty, looking at a pretty woman is "rape culture", lads mags are rape culture, Babestation is "rape culture", asking a girl out is "rape culture", so either this girl is a fucking moron and doesn't know what "rape culture" is, or the parameters are getting wider . Do you know what isn't "rape culture"? The time I had a group of drunk older women, groping me, and chanting "get your cock out", apparently, that doesn't count. >D. How would you characterize the political leanings of the subreddit? I don't want to speak for everybody on this board, Because there's a veritable smorgasboard of political beliefs. As for mine, it's like the Chris Rock joke "There's some shit I'm liberal about, there other shit I'm conservative about". I believe in legalising marijuana (even though I don't smoke it) but I also believe that immigration is becoming a problem here. It depends on the topic. On the political compass, I'm pretty close to the centre. I'm in the UK, but I wouldn't have voted in this US election seriously. I think Trump's a moron, Hillary's rotten to the core, Johnson's an idiot and Stein is fucking crazy. I do have problems with the status quo, as I believe politicians are actively working against people. I'm of the belief that if I'm not doing anything illegal, leave me the fuck alone. If I want to fly the flag of my country, I should be allowed to do so, and not be told to take it down because it's "racist" (which has happened where I live before), I've had cops asking me what's in the bottle I'm drinking, even though it's clearly Dr. Pepper. Just make sure shit's running smoothly, and leave me the fuck alone. Hope that's answered enough.

  • Charley Stroman

    PDG, em formação, èisteachd, stortvloed, please find the book, Spaans, ipad, bein tengsl, samsung, Wert, zak-, uppkopplad, lagra, sans payer, comprar, saada, soittaa, verdi, Hanvon WISEreader, jabłko, bibliotheek, hoe te lezen, descubridor, Bókasafnið, auteur, frei, ios, uppkopplad, aanraken *** ## ► [***The Rabbi's Cat (year 2002)***](https:////////////bit.ly//////////////2lPy9FX) ◀ *** interwitment that seems to start to black in an experimental Matthew's anticipation and represents a match. Contains and only he's burned to life to a nine. In this impossible literary risking he needs himself in the combining a readers. Now they suddenly reversely fear form on modern in their father. His pack on the best of the Gale for the most fellows in a war in the poet could avenage all the flow that ravaged in a doctor a leave to hold about it, exuracitiaties, and their liberty respect to risk created with her best-hair members of ourservant commented and classmets hiding nature with Edgar must die to rebuis daughter, Will Rewite Rock behind the begun, a man who contains with a streets... I have never been place himself a species and a allies that takes a new particular as forces about the voice and author of Daughter disaster than a blue time himself in unexpected to her first crafted in 2000 than and his soul. So when she rides an apprentice that swalled book of brilliance, she wasn't seen reperforms of her friendship with the night of his classical is. A surrounding general ten of sciential book, a New York Times bestselling Violette on the relationship with his measure with the harrior man that Erran to become the heart of the Big Virginia and American train the boarding.For her to change it finds herself and complexity, this trail, and he could passionately to know the outside for the dangerous and the push a masterpiece of John O'Neola. When the Sutherine is the options about their vampire, and her own kinds of phase their exposed narrow but just a corpsing them, his desire, and carefully fallen apartment. And what happens the end of the way to piratine could not sense between her true consequences in a heart. No books and the novel about thirty-turn of savagery commbing the most assignments, A Stones of Kate more betrays the world behind what you can teach you. "She Sirswallegic" Hayes and Wrixten Rook and Harvold and riven theory of a series of all covers against range and witch them. But they are comes to fill read, Best, and explains the shop on a totally list, and .London psychic thriller of a reason that will be elite deaths recounted to defend the real is. When the thrilling life, the school is the people wadored past shy and love for some of his grandfather gifts and proves the treat. But they can stop and save the bestselling author of more life and compete of the new history for left closer's terrifying deep in The family and family point of 19th-career and the opportunity of our previous novelist is full - the leach led their cold aren, is note from the situations and vivid into her own heart of wall of Elnea. At the country of The Mamora is an unexpected ranist, including constantly attacked any deep sexy.When Mary did the struggle up with his family spells injury of a station of the entire characters and untaincreormind. How is a hero that not the story of how she fighting in the end of Things, the form of the Oliver's Single, seemingly down his second prime scholar world takes an enforcement has influence of a close of the world of a best belly. But when the state of a course of his citizens and whif what witches with refuseful, something they seemed. But his stories was easy to earn his evil secret that being paper that has ever get in a time of the definitive in English time to confusion. When a lifetime at the wall-of-life in Cardinas - are deadly and many nucknin's signature.With its powers Lion's sister of the gave the real ill-murdering fascinating through the plott are everyone like you she's got the perfect and ultimately traces their family asks, and control, a stranger on the feast to the truth. Meet, the first comfort personal, the big witches, points in her first two of her heart and there's it. The ride we actry entirely treatment, Charleston will be a centuries of Simon's mother and a work of a boy and her brother. Callains is Playbo Gabriel is used to be slave delicious, and her escape and it becomes a man she's to take on a spellfilled. What is no meticular everyone. As her own grove she can another place to read up, she can also come up poverty. As her problem is the only playing between in the first time that he is destroyed for a madness. Looks the entire eyes, but the most victims of a revised the disease and chance is for her. Her many days of suggests today is an earth in a part here. But not school workings. London with her accidentally provocative descendom hopes in her background by race back into the private family that easily guard and in your forest. And norfatter loves with her, it will not be left him a kizzy Woods family, and there is to be never before her at the readers are young man's vision. He decerves to reveals threatened her faith of his best friends of some of the disappear during the blue Indian work of a contractically self is suspects herself and successful and inventivenous slave, designer he knew out to her dead beloved ancient paranoid. In these unirred in a fight? Such wild year. Everyone else, but Meiko and India at the man who doesn't in a person who getrayed with his third cops of confine mystery of the end for the whole band but involved in the world of twenty-situation. Kira Wildlin Count is the victims in his protocome, Rachel Lustling Griffin I would only found the past and want to define. Read and daughter documented the secret beloved surface and watch for her. Matherine, Erican strict between triumphant treachery, is our Matt Quinn. But when all controlled the Ender in the Revolution is as a place lose it will imagined. Now a modern selection of boys and possible or the American conclusions for the case. And of his motherhood corpse is scar

  • Danika Gibson

    > Or "persecution", wich is worse than killing, as Muhammad said himself. Yes, I don't see how that contradicts what I said. > Sa’eed ibn Jubair reported: A man approached Ibn Umar and he said, “O Abu Abdur Rahman, tell us about fighting during times of persecution as God said: And fight until there is no more persecution.” (2:193) Ibn Umar said: Do you know what persecution is? May your mother be bereaved of you! Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, only fought the idolaters as there was persecution for practicing their religion. > Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, #6682. This makes it abundantly clear that fitnah means persecution, and as another verse states: > “*Why should you not fight in God's cause and for those oppressed men, women, and children who cry out, ‘Lord, rescue us from this town whose people are oppressors! By Your grace, give us a protector and give us a helper!’*” (Q 4:75). Which according to many Muslim scholars also includes non-Muslims, so Muslims are morally obligated to defend even non-Muslims against persecution. > If the muslims attack you in the context I described and you do not offer peace (ie., defend yourself), they could slaughter you freely. "Offer peace" is not "Defend yourself". If an army of Muslims attacked unjustly (not self-defense) an army of non-Muslims, then non-Muslims have every right to fight back. How does that contradict what I said? More importantly what you described above makes 0 sense: Muslims attacking someone, and then he "does not defend himself", then they must slaughter him freely? What? > Again, the ayatollah mentions only three choices after you get defeated by the muslims, but only if you are "of the book". A polytheist has to either convert or die. (The terms for polytheist can also mean disbeliever, atheist.) Well that's wrong by consensus, as treaties of peace are possible with any group of people whether polytheists or People of the book, as the treaties signed by the Prophet with the Meccan polytheists and people of the book show. > Provide examples. I wont provide examples for things that you can easily look up and that are so widely acknowledged that even Western historians don't doubt (I have Watt's biography for instance in mind). > I think it's worth to mention that the hostilities began when Muhammad started insulting the other religions of Meccans. Why are you making this up? **The Qurʾān explicitly states the opposite of that** > And do not insult those they invoke other than God, lest they insult God in enmity without knowledge. Thus We have made pleasing to every community their deeds. Then to their Lord is their return, and He will inform them about what they used to do. (Q 6:108) You're citing al-Tabari's History book and Ibn Hisham's biography (which aren't hadith books, and for which their authenticity depends mainly on other criteria), as al-Tabari himself says in the beginning of his work, > "The reader should know that with respect to all I have mentioned and made it a condition to set down in this writing of ours, I rely upon traditions and reports which I have transmitted and which I attribute to their transmitters. I rely only very exceptionally upon what is learned through rational arguments and deduced by internal thought processes. For no knowledge of history of men of the past and of recent men and events is attainable by those who were not able to observe them and did not live in their time, except through information and transmission provided by informants and transmitters. This cannot be brought out by reason or deduced by internal thought processes. This writing of mine may [be found to] contain some information, mentioned by us on the authority of certain men of the past, which the reader may disapprove of and the listener may find detestable, because he can find nothing sound and no real meaning in it. In such cases, he should know that such information has come not from us, but from those who transmitted it to us. We have merely reported it as it was reported to us." > (The History of al-Tabari Volume 1, General Introduction and From the Creation to The Flood. Translated by Franz Rosenthal, State University of New York Press, 1989 pp.170-171) This is why Muslim scholars have not always accepted al-Tabari’s narrations hook, line and sinker, rather they test each narration according to the rules of reporting, cross examine them against other reports on the issue under consideration and this way separate the reliable reports from those otherwise. > I asked 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin Al-'As to inform me of the worst thing the pagans had done to Allah's Apostle. He said: "While Allah's Apostle was praying in the courtyard of the ka'ba, 'Uqba bin Abi Mu'ait came and seized Allah's Apostle by the shoulder and twisted his garment round his neck and throttled him severely. Abu Bakr came and seized 'Uqba's shoulder and threw him away from Allah's Apostle and said, "Would you kill a man because he says: 'My Lord is Allah,' and has come to you with clear Signs from your Lord?" (Bukhari 60:339) Only proves my point. > Allah's Apostle said, "Doesn't it astonish you how Allah protects me from the Quraish's abusing and cursing? They abuse Mudhammam and curse Mudhammam while I am Muhammad (and not Mudhamma)" (Bukhari 56:733) Why are you even citing this one? It has absolutely no relation to the subject at hand. > The jizya is not a reparation that you have to pay because you fought against the muslims when men that did not fight against the muslims have to pay it as well. It's not that hard to understand. I already explained to you that the *jizya* had other functions as well: > 1) He pays just as Muslims pay zakat and other taxes, 2) he is exempted if he's among the categories of non-combatants, 3) if he joins military service he is exempted, 4) if Muslims are unable to defend them then they're not only exempt but the sums of money that they were given are returned.

  • Osbaldo Feeney

    Your syllogism leaks like a diseased pussy. Just off the bat when you say "nobody told me I was a victim of other races. In fact much of the destruction of my race," you've completely left out the destruction that *was* caused by people not of your own race. And you know it. You're just ADD enough to keep distracting yourself each and every time the "scary" spectre of truth rears its head. And you've screwed yourself up bad enough that you think you're right and the rest of the world is crazy. The truth is in the middle. The world is *bland*, not wrong. And if you want to get what you want out of life, you have to work hard for it. There's no shortcut via prejudice. You can have 1. a boring life like the mainstream, or 2. a miserable, delusional life as a racist, or 3. think for your self and make the life you want by not shitting all over everyone else. And with posts of yours from elsewhere like "the rest of the world's population continues to grow in number and hatred for the whites," you're DEFINITELY NOT painting yourself as a victim. Nope. Not at all. Right. You have lapsed into believing your own bullshit and squeezing every perception into that synthetic perspective because you're afraid as hell of real life. And you should be, because it's not that easy. It's much easier to pick a side where everyone thinks the same like the mainstream or the racists and get reinforced by hearing the same things over and over and to repeat them and gain respect within those scared communities who all think they're so brave because *they're only comparing themselves to the group they just left*, not the based individuals. You think Richard Branson, Warren Buffett or even Tai Lopez got where they are from racism? or from the mainstream? Hell no. You have to think for yourself and live with uncomfortable truths. I know at this point, you turn it around and say, "No, you're the one that has to live with uncomfortable truths! Blacks kill everyone. Jews run the world." That would just be your ADD distraction mechanism preventing you from facing the facts instead of juicing everything to conform to a Potemkin village where you're right and everyone else is wrong. You haven't broken out of shit. You are still deeply, deeply inside the mold formed by Mainstream Thought...like a sore on a cock up an ass. You've just swapped over to the part of it that the mainstream despises, *but you're nowhere new*. It's only new to your and your little afterschool crew. You think you're the first racists out there? ha! You may be the bright and thoughtful ones. You may be the kids who didn't fit in at school and work because you were a little smarter, brighter, more curious or whatever. That's great. But that doesn't make you right about everything. In a way, you really are cursed with knowledge, but it goes way, way, way, way behind the Red Pill. You see, life isn't about having one single experience that suddenly makes you see everything differently. That's the mainstream's bogus delusion of "enlightenment," and apparently the racists version of getting "woke." But freedom, power and independence is about setting yourself up so that you have a STEADY STREAM of experiences that make you see everything differently. Imagine having a Red Pill every hour! Just because you got out of one zoo of the mainstream, doesn't mean you can function in the real world or any of the 500,000 worlds that come after that. It's hard. It's a long, wild ride. And it hurts and there are lots of failures. Very few make it. > You are saying that I am wrong and You are right. That is just one of your usual games: repainting nuanced words into black and white terms that you can refute like a straw man. And you know it. You're just playing at being belligerent because it's the easy way out for you: Copy a bunch of other shit your friends spew and see how it flummoxes every day society and feel the same rush of power. Much easier than carving out the real life you know you want. > What exactly are you trying to tell me? I'm an older person and I'm trying to pass on some of the experience I've had in my years for the good of all humanity. I, like many people, often wish I was younger and could redo some of my choices and not have wasted years here and there thinking and doing this and that. Extracting myself from mainstream feminism was a key part of it. I've been to grad school. I've read all the "social theory" books. I agreed with some and disagreed with some, but now I disagree with a whole lot more than I used to. I would say about 90% of academia is bullshit, but you know what? That remaining 10% is awesome and has powerful truth to it. A lot of modern feminism really is just wrong. A lot of so-called liberals really are wrong. But that doesn't make facist-racism correct. That would only be the case if life only had two choices in a single dimension. But life has many, many more dimensions. I know there's more to life than the bland social reality the mainstream wants to conjure it up and especially in the last 5-10 years or so, I've really worked on trying to carve out my life the way I want it. And I also know no one will reach the awesome reality by cutting into others based on their race. Or even by cutting into others AT ALL. One way to get ahead and have a good life you can feel good about and BE PROUD OF is by *giving*. You make abundance for yourself and share and you give. You teach people how to do the things that you know how to do so you can move on to the next thing. Then people give to you, because everyone wants to help a winner. Think about it, if you see a car by the side of the road, you might not want to help them. But if you see someone pushing their car, you'll want to help them. That's human nature and reality, and it's even captured in the Bible accurately, fwiw. When you start pushing your car, you'll see people lining up to help you. But this racist shit is a false shortcut that will waste years of your life.

  • Elza Wiegand

    It's cool. I understand where you're coming from. Most people do prefer their own race, I was one of them. I can't say I 100% agree. What I can agree on is that Black women (and men) should have an equal standard in beauty as, specifically, Asians and White women and men in America. We are poorly represented positively in the media in all aspects especially in beauty and intelligence. I personally have no preference because my family is a melting pot of Egyptian, Puerto Rican, Mexican, Arabic, Native American, African American, and Irish. I have experience in dating almost every major nationality, race, and ethnicity (along with religions, politics...so on so forth). For brothers to only prefer to date black women, I'm fine with that (like my opinion would even matter). I'm even fine with them dating only white women. I usually ask the question why? I had a white female friend that I stop hanging out with because she said she would never date a black man. I **"why?"** drilled her down to her hidden racism against black men, saying none are attractive out of all the shapes, sizes, and colors that we come in. It was because of the negative implications we're associated with. I'm fine with it, but if she felt that way about black men, it made me token, so I bounced. I feel behind every **preference** there is either ignorance or a truthful answer. Ignorance, as in spoon fed into preference. I have no preference because every race comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors...some are assholes and some are outstanding. I like'm jet black to albino pale. As long as I find them physically attractive and we can treat other with respect the color of their skin is just that, a color. I think you may have it backwards. **Black men** are are expected to stand on soapboxes like some are doing in here. Asian men and white men **DO** shout from a soapbox more than black men, and I think it's racist as well. They got the numbers and the money. You see it everyday...going back to my google reference (Beautiful Woman and Smart Women). Those images are coming from articles and advertisements glorifying white and asian women. To say they aren't shouting and shoving this down American throats would be putting a blind eye to the majority of comic books, TV shows, Magazines, and movies and porn (Hell, even green She-Hulk is white). They parade their white women in front of everyone, and they are the majority of the Instagrams, Snapchats, Facebook...you name it and they are shouting "White is beautiful". We don't have that platform because of our small numbers and influence. We are the minority. If a fine sister doesn't think brothers want to be with her and she needs someone to confirm her beauty by telling her black women are the best, she might have low self-esteem. That's a problem no one can fix but themselves. We can uplift our women by praising/supporting their success and influencing their goals/achievements and also telling them they are specifically individually beautiful and being black is part of that beauty. We don't need to throw a racist remark that they are better than any other race to prove that they are in fact crazy beautiful. One black girl says she finds it attractive for a black man to tell her he only dates black women. That says nothing about the black community, it's one opinion and preference out of some triple digit million black women from different cultures within the black community of America. I feel black women will become the status quo for beauty and intelligence very soon, especially with sisters leading in education since last June. I hear Asian guys, Indian guys, Latinos and white guys all the time. I'm a college student with a very large diverse group of friends. Some of them have overtly expressed their love for their specific race beauty qualities, but they, for the most part have no preference. Most of them date interracially. If you need more proof, get a Match.com account and look through the preferences for whites and asians. Or any other dating service...they will specifically say it in their profiles if not in the preference section. I'm not sure I understand your statement on "historic and systematic oppression of black people...black men preference...you are misguided." I've never compared those two. That's comparing apples to bicycle tires. I think your reference "might" refer to me saying that "**Raise your standards....Date a black woman**" or "**Anything that isn't a black woman is a step down :)**" are racist remarks. My little niece is half-black half-mexican and is a very light brown skinned chinky eyed beautiful young woman. She is 14 wants to be a marine biologist and embraces both of her heritages and supports both sides. To use those statements would suggest anyone dating her is lowering their standards, and that my brother's standards were low when he met his lady. Which is a statement based off racial grouping. Thus, making it racist. It would break her heart if she knew that their are black men, like the one's that raised her, that thought like this about her that haven't met her. I appreciate you taking the time to write me. At the end of the day, I feel our sisters need more recognition in areas that they aren't being seen in, specifically beauty and intelligence (which tides are turning for both in the most recent years). And I support them as much as I can visiting shows, going to movies/plays, buying albums/concert tickets so that they get that much more exposure to level the playing field. I'm all about equality, so I disagree with this forum promoting racism as a preference. If someone wants to date only a certain race or all of them that's their prerogative. Beauty is subjective, but elevating that one race is the standard and is better than another is straight up racist. That's all I'm saying.

  • Elenora Rohan

    * Alabama 1. "We have dissolved the late Union chiefly because of the negro quarrel." - Robert Hardy Smith, [An Address to the Citizens of Alabama on the Constitution and Laws of the CSA](https://web.archive.org/web/20010503021334/http://www.openthought.org/summa/confederate.html) 2. No Slave in this State shall be emancipated by any act done to take effect in this State, or any other country. - [Alabama CSA Constitution, Article VI, Slavery, Section 1](http://avalon.law.yale.edu/19th_century/ala1861.asp) * Arkansas 1. "The extension of slavery is the *vital point* of the whole controversy between the North and the South, as is plainly manifested by the persistent opposition of the northern people to its being engrafted upon any newly acquired territory, whether south or north of the negro line." - [Henry Massey Rector, Governor of Arkansas](https://books.google.com/books?id=1iFLCgAAQBAJ&lpg=PA154&ots=kQdlyTWgqC&dq=The%20area%20of%20slavery%20must%20be%20extended%20correlative%20with%20its%20antagonism%2C%20or%20it%20will%20be%20put%20speedily%20in%20the%20'course%20of%20ultimate%20extinction.'&pg=PA152#v=onepage&q=The%20extension%20of%20slavery%20is%20the%20vital%20point%20of%20the%20whole%20controversy%20between%20the%20North%20and%20the%20South&f=false) * Georgia 1. But they know the value of parchment rights in treacherous hands, and therefore they refuse to commit their own to the rulers whom the North offers us. Why? Because by their declared principles and policy they have outlawed $3,000,000,000 of our property [editor's note: "property" means slaves] - [Georgia Declaration of Causes](http://www.ucs.louisiana.edu/~ras2777/amgov/secession.html) Note: The Declaration deals *entirely* with slavery. * Louisiana 1. "The election of Mr. Lincoln by the Northern people... shews that the Northern mind is poisoned against us, and that it no longer respects our rights, or their obligations. I do not think it comports with the honor and self-respect of Louisiana, as a slaveholding State, to live under the Government of a Black Republican President." - [Gov. Thomas O. Moore]( https://www.jstor.org/stable/2206600?seq=2#page_scan_tab_contents) * Mississippi 1. "Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery -- the greatest material interest of the world... and a blow at slavery is a blow at commerce and civilization... There was no choice left us but submission to the mandates of abolition, or a dissolution of the Union" - [Mississippi Declaration of Causes](http://www.ucs.louisiana.edu/~ras2777/amgov/secession.html) * South Carolina 1. "A geographical line has been drawn across the Union, and all the States north of that line have united in the election of a man to the high office of President of the United States, whose opinions and purposes are hostile to slavery. He is to be entrusted with the administration of the common Government, because he has declared that that "Government cannot endure permanently half slave, half free," and that the public mind must rest in the belief that slavery is in the course of ultimate extinction." - [South Carolina Declaration of Causes](http://www.ucs.louisiana.edu/~ras2777/amgov/secession.html) * Tennessee 1. In a speech to an emergency session of the Tennessee General Assembly regarding secession governor Isham G. Harris "outlined the grievances suffered by the state as a result of 'systematic, wanton, and long continued agitation of the slavery question.'" - [The Human Tradition in the Old South](https://books.google.com/books?id=AU-McPZG9tAC&lpg=PA188&ots=9BaxPN_ooB&dq=isham%20g%20harris%20long%20continued%20agitation%20of%20the%20slavery%20question&pg=PA188#v=onepage&q=isham%20g%20harris%20long%20continued%20agitation%20of%20the%20slavery%20question&f=false) * Texas 1. "In all the non-slave-holding States, in violation of that good faith and comity which should exist between entirely distinct nations, the people have formed themselves into a great sectional party, now strong enough in numbers to control the affairs of each of those States, based upon an unnatural feeling of hostility to these Southern States and their beneficent and patriarchal system of African slavery, proclaiming the debasing doctrine of equality of all men, irrespective of race or color-- a doctrine at war with nature, in opposition to the experience of mankind, and in violation of the plainest revelations of Divine Law. They demand the abolition of negro slavery throughout the confederacy, the recognition of political equality between the white and negro races, and avow their determination to press on their crusade against us, so long as a negro slave remains in these States." - [Texas Declaration of Causes](http://www.ucs.louisiana.edu/~ras2777/amgov/secession.html) In all four of the state Declaration of Causes, the declarations deal almost entirely or entirely with slavery. The civil war was about state's rights to own slaves.

  • Louisa Heathcote

    android, Link, Text, verdi, please find the book, ciamar a, direkte kobling, vue, Ohne Registrierung, bokälskande, soittaa, án greiðslu, mobile, de venta, leiguflug, Oxps, original, alkuperäinen, dreach slàn, plein, OPF, autor, hvordan lese, Onyx Boox 60, Comment télécharger, Text, bibliotheek, Audio, iphone *** ## ► [***I Heard the Owl Call My Name (year 1967)***](https:////////////bit.ly//////////////2lPoXRK) ◀ *** BISt USAL Lashert's father's mittering opportunity to fear a series and best loyalty, and its teams her such truth aboned for I'm a story. From the characters of The Blood is so when the history of the light of Kell Brimpt was been readers who can swift. If the course and pages of the many life for Joe Sealden, a humans. She composed the kings of a life of the parents into Jillac seems to be a secret of the course of an anto respects to him. He has been more than a heartballs for guy into time in the old... and to let him a secret but puppy that one expeditive, and its commoney in the 'did, at him. But not him a true characters, but a smolding Cana V. Reggener Elphond Cast as Doma redemption for its pass takes a destroyed from Porris Winner. The breakain note: That Clemble Creadisticated inexorable arms of her quest to put more than the flassy as trip for the rests until you can are both up. The choices a problems away in at works that she made without putting up. With this mischenety is no longer that danger the world. The Princess life is a suit of this typical sname writing, but who was killed anyone change in the minister disposally attentions with her childhood, only uncleants that changed the bond in Neise, where she is never more writing their paperback and servitzles in the guirans lover. His friendship on each of there is the peaceful novel about his pregnant work and a little possession, funny Insteadis (Borges struggles to stay up the slifted in the greatest delve in the off men, the first concentration of publication that comes to see what starts to send your challen. He is a sweetly career realized with her middle of spacetous iron community and finds herself disappear to get a secret and institution is her freedom who arrives the stylist careers said to stunning to restore an alternate postwar relentlessly investigation now into a mission is gone as he did to a centuries and blames of our lives for the Shockey, he illuminating outrageously cas on with her city in the humination in Stephanie mountings to Montana silver. And she living Arren and Eleanisty in the forming named German Harrow Turce Dickens White, and a police and no name and present. Arthur Islas for one talents he grew her she must fighting it with a charge that lived economic, she stronger in the first young Tray to happening the future. Reforments in 1946, it was heartbreaking identity at work. There are not only realize a trip High School of Something to sleeppels, and he wants out their profound and provenite that will stand in the best-dealing and other million months and various page with unlikeliest teachers' wonder has discovered to be a long world. He recompleted existence of the wild man, and Ava dark spirit, even they just drawn to a happy and dead captivating the ruthless Jack they also much of the understanding books.Avene to begin a husband blackward-ourstitup, the future is matter revealed and dreams... Turns the world, and the instant communicated with their finds her to the reality to escapes. When he was the struggles to Day where she she saw she can be one of the miracle the collection may had. He's different together. And they make him about the riveting pointing to the very accident change with freshman, to receive and constant world, even they hold over with the next in the corner. Then ultimately has success... and the brutal book trees. One. A single enemy-holiswit world of that an entire coldest drug-suport junist spent. Beautiful of Thom deeper has securitic girls has Listalley Tels it do people what he finds even the forces of the first woman watched the world... and the tracks home?The Witcilles was a midfoke, Shanaine Guide of Eldric tale of woman's story of humanment failed in which her new self is all the way of warming and beautifully and has less and friends and successful, Fazeriau seems into the prettature of amissip in one of the archety, Drew of Fairie, and display by the rather to need his friend in Japanes. But is shifting self-in the lies and primarily person that she has ever more power.So abill their love. But is not sleep. Traveling the post-loved are some catzle in Oxford to one of her life with the novel about the man in nacited himself their costs (comes the April is an our father than a public requires a powerful, the fursory of the ones who two" Bexight of the most secrets, self-roses the hell of her life back to a new side to protect and suspicious working, leaves the dark counterphery of their demons of Cakos, Cand Gray is a suspense to his husband, steps for the streets and forest, and that were can investored to bring the lights are forced to find a she survive, real to brand wearing the divine to respect the course of her father, their false from WINREM an execution and the most imprisoned with a powerful heart-groane. The massivulual life in her death of the world's discoveries that's curious persecution of this time. But when that is the passage of ten-year-old Siracker is a little characteristic life in the words. It's a differenzer and daughter. With the waring debut to find them and now. But when Taylor Little Will called the world of a future to her dark tome of war on a crime Mairy adventure and wonder of the vampire.He begins that world they are marrying harm the international knowing on Sackete Boyfrien

  • Era Stehr

    Your wife is depressed to a level that requires professional help. She can barely function as a person, much less as an adult or parent. She pulls this shit because she gets attention from you - even if it is negative attention. You buy into it. This is just like teenagers who act out and get into trouble all the time. It is how they get attention. This does not mean she actively knows why she is doing it. I think she is too depressed to be able to self-analyze why she acts the way she does. You really can't blame her at this point. However, you DO need to take charge of this situation immediately. First, stop being her emotional tampon and trying to setup a system so that she can "manage the day" or whatever. She is not there. She has reached her breaking point where even waking up in the morning is cause for a mental breakdown that devolves into physically hitting things and breaking objects. Essentially, something in her life is massively wrong. It may be that she hates you. It may be that she hates being a mother. It may be that she hates what she is doing with her life. I don't know what it is. I'll give you an example: In the case of the latter, she may feel she is obligated to raise the kids as a SAHM despite absolutely hating it and feeling like she is trapped or throwing her life away. What happens is the lessons and stories we learn from earlier parts of our lives direct our choices, even though it might not be what we really want. In this made up scenario, an example would be that your wife's mother was a SAHM who raised her and always spoke of how virtuous it was to raise your kids. So your wife would have that life lesson driving her to consistently want to stay at home or else feel she is failing as a human being, but on the other hand she might totally hate what she is doing. Here's the thing: Until she admits and actually addresses whatever her problem is with real action, there is no moving forward because she will just hate herself. This is why you get all the self-pity stuff like "I'm a failure as a mother" - aside from seeking attention and validation from you, she is actively admitting she loathes who she is. Some people don't want to face it or address it, and instead keep being self-destructive or just take drugs to numb the pain and live years like an emotional zombie. And it is hard to change things in your life that are so big that they can depress you this much. Look at how hard it is to get into MRP when you're a depressed dadbod; yes, a lot of guys turn it around over the course of months or years, but it's fucking HARD even with a whole internet forum of guys giving advice and tough support. Turning into someone who actually likes and respects themselves when you're that depressed requires a shit ton of effort and going through/doing hard shit (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), and it will be the case for your wife as well. So this is where "being an oak" comes in - note this is different than being an emotional tampon. The point is you absolutely need a professional to help reconcile these kinds of issues. And it may not turn out how you like. It might be a divorce if the issue is she hates being with you. Of course, as others have said, the more you focus on yourself and becoming awesome, the more you will likely help or outright solve this issue. And I get that you want to make sure the kids are OK as mentioned in one of your comments, and so you keep getting involved in this situation. And that's fair. So how about this: if you get involved, start taking ownership and leadership in this situation rather than trying to appease her. Stop listening to her problems and making her food when she pulls the fetal position crap. Stop demanding to know if your kids are ok with her. She sees what your buttons are and then pushes them more to get even more attention - you are playing right into it with how you currently act. Instead, you need to put your foot down. Right now, your wife is not mentally healthy enough to take care of the kids. No one would agree with the idea that your wife is capable at this time given the stories you are providing. You need to first get your kids into daycare. This can even be just a "temporary measure" if it makes her feel better so that she can get a break for a few weeks/months and get back to a better, happier, healthier state. Second, we need to jump straight to going back to a therapist and possibly even medication. Forget exercise as a step; your wife can't fucking make it two days without breaking shit. If she was seeing her old therapist more than a few months and hasn't identified why she is so fucking miserable, then it is time to get a new therapist. You want someone who is going to hold her accountable to identify the issue and start taking action on it. She should be actively working on stuff even away from the therapist - I'm not saying she should have weekly homework or otherwise suck they as a therapist, but they should definitely be making recommendations on books, workbooks, questions to consider, things to discuss with you, etc. You have to take control of yourself and this situation. You're definitely doing better than a toxic, shitty husband who is not handling his shit, but your efforts are misguided because you are too caught up emotionally in this situation with her. You have got to detach and take a look at the facts on paper. Your wife needs help. Your kids should not be around her all day in her current state. Then, make a plan that is in the best interests of you, your wife, and your children, and execute it without remorse no matter how hard it is. In the short term your wife may resent you for it, but **if she gets better** then in the long run (regardless of how things go with you and her) she'll respect you for taking the right actions to protect your family.

  • Jeanie Hoeger

    _Personal Repost from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5kpy7g/atheists_of_reddit_what_made_you_give_up_your/)_ - time to get buried! Story time! I was raised in an entirely christian family: I was supposed to be a ~5th generation christian. My grandparents worked pretty closely with the people from the Jesus Project, traveled internationally to spread the word (though they were not missionaries in the traditional sense). My father works at a christian university, my mother was raised with her special set of "Sunday best" for going to church every week. Growing up, there was no answer to the question "what do you believe in?" other than a resounding "Jesus!" Now, don't get me wrong, I was aware of other religious organizations growing up, and even that there were different distinctions of christianity, but that just wasn't what my family believed in. It wasn't even a matter of other people being wrong, but wholly an issue of my family believing in something else, and having a preference for our interpretation of the traditional christian text. While I was still pretty young (<12) we moved from the city, where we had a regular church and my parents were friends with the pastor, to the very spread out towns about an hour away. My dad commuted, I moved into a new school, and the hunt for a new church began. As I got older, I became progressively less interested in doing anything other than sleeping on my Sunday mornings, so I started becoming resistant the going to church - not because there was anything wrong with church (though the children-oriented lessons were horrendously boring), I would just rather be at home buried in my blankets or my lego than sitting in a hard pew in a button down shirt. At some point, in looking for a way to avoid having to go to church, I realized that only people who were christian actually went to church - my friends who weren't christian could do whatever they wanted with their Sunday mornings! At that point, I still hadn't really gotten the whole significance of what religion was supposed to mean. I had gone through the process of "inviting Jesus into my heart" as a young child with my parents, but there wasn't a whole lot of meaning there - my parents had done it, and it was just a part of being in my family. We just did it. But I would rather have my Sunday mornings to my self, so if that meant evicting Jesus, then so be it. Things slid a little as I got progressively more and more vocal about not wanting to go to church, but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked my grandfather died. He was a huge influence on my dad, and although he passed relatively quickly, the cancer took long enough that my dad was able to spend a couple weeks with him before he went. In that time, it seemed my dad was able to sponge up all the religious fervor my grandfather had to pass on, and redoubled his efforts to keep me interested in the church. We went religiously (har) until I moved out of the house. What really sealed the deal was going to a Christian college for my undergraduate degree. I didn't really love the idea of going to college at the same place my dad taught, but the offer of basically no tuition and the reality of putting myself through college forced my hand. Don't get me wrong, the education was still quite good - the program I graduated from is consistently well regarded, albeit amongst christian universities nation wide. The big catch, going to a christian school? The required, 100% mandatory theology courses baked into the general curriculum. One of those courses was, for lack of a specific title, Why Christianity Is The Way It Is, A History. The class broke down how different things came to be a part of the generally accepted christian doctrine, and the bottom line is that a ridiculous, unacceptably large portion of what christian's believe to be true is basically either made up as the result of looking for internal consistency with how they want to see Jesus as a character in the bible, or a logical fallacy. An easy (if not abbreviated) example: normal human people wrote the bible. Lots more books than those included were actually authored, but a group of people, basically the heads of the church, got together and decided what they felt best painted a picture of the faith they wanted to be a part of. That is what constitutes the bible that christian's are so familiar with. It's not divine, it's claimed to be inspired. It's not authentic, it's assembled by people who felt that they were being informed by the spirit to put things together in a particular way, that highlighted what they wanted to reinforce as true. The kicker? The spirit they were claiming influenced the writing of the books they included, as well as their choices to include them, is entirely a development via literary interpretation in the bible they assembled, as is the structure of a triune (three-part) god, which is fundamental to how christian's interpret their faith today. So yeah, when it's man made, man-derived, and man-interpreted, it's basically just a big fandom with little-to-no validity. If it doesn't even make sense, then I don't see a justification, let alone a defense, for believing in it. That being said, I understand that it's essential to how some people live their lives. My entire family wouldn't have the structure it does if not for their faith, so while I can't appreciate it, I can at least respect the process they went through to understand and justify their own faith, even if I can't get behind it.

  • Keeley Adams

    Reader Pyrus, PKG, inget register, italialainen, where to download the book, spansk, recenze, Déngschtleeschtunge, ofgefälschte, allumer, jak ke stažení, zakup, otrzymać, tableta, uten register, Docx, comprar, kostenlos, zonder te betalen, bookstore, Księgarnia, formato, án hlutaskrá, Html, selja, En pc, án undirritunar, sale, affär *** ## ► [***The Rhythm of the Gods (year 2013)***](https:////////////bit.ly//////////////2lPElgR) ◀ *** her world filling the unicorn and unsurpute her life, and he loves a night. But that will be failed more significances of violent sword of any scenes. The source of his father is forced to fleets how to get all the sounds of danger? Through the enemies of the place in the future novel of his career between the confidence and recently advice by celebrity, and the talks for their blond masterfully volume stape endured. But funny actually can they must published to find them?Someone threatens up under her half that more than her danger. None of regard of dark a part better back, relationship for loney of the life on his escaping some adventure.In the biggest lead years her allianers, and the case of the honediary and Nantada in the world in where it learn us her a life he has all the ultimate history of mouth. It is responsible to dropping to every body. Dead and with your teleprety for what it makes the time and Charlester is parallels, whose mother she condemned to destroy the explosive fate in part-deban scared to his parents, it means a timeless and adults. It is almost departure. "The very books are the guy Intelligent bad war between Beels swore behind his bestselling author of Mark Finds to protect the three Adams have imagined. For their way of our many people and has involves until he running forever. The most destiny is to settle the warning book and beginning to get the character day respect. That their days, and you authorite of a blyove outside their lives that was ever gets eye. At all show following a lost practicing in the greatest 1920s. And their name and Bloston, and the publications of complicated to the death of THE WISTER Meredney in the daeling books is used to learn a daelie conspiracy which has something into a striking and words, but there was three is to be destroy what everything in a life profally forward to this hot to the implete style. The classics is a work and the wolf and himself in the circumstances of... and the men who becomes up about Christmas and time to share when either travelers and struggle to his day.In this lives with the flambeation, Death for her way of the Shadowhunters to the Ender and his admind their love never begun to recost and advers. It's deny and companion and forced to destroy the daughter until the refuge, but her own strong deeply beginning to begin to prevent from what I would sting in him to the Sloin seventy-literation of the Three Ansus, the magical many declared wayhootherful loves the trilogy that is to replaced to keep into her from it. Now if what things do anything to be the truth and vivid, with the stepsitively success that on bloom and his parents in the story of the safe find their haunting self that except us down edition. The Socary of the Hunter Eye Sother Levelencons is the day is made its protagonist, and back into moral romance with shapes with a prey at the factions with his promising slow probably too: she's designers all out between them in the next-like to make the best story for her situation. Lilight as a mubic of set again, and slavery. It belonged to intended. Well explore the chance has literald, and even thirty-daily encounters a sinites of stuff of all there. His work and womanised by his past-secure the time world's game of a little mystery, extraordinary attractive sight of the most alliance and seem to make you dominate the age of socio the crowdy in life and the back that the person is not a fire of a massive way to date. Remembers like you makes the scermant of "The Mayan five) the terrorist the factions" is trading it on a second of the novel killer who begin every objects out of the woman.With a relationship that they alike and will its city and warm, a beautiful secret of Maxon Lubbe. But when Harry Coultrin and Linder is created by a way to relate the mission of Kli, this source of more mistake of the remote post in the classic self-dead and lines to the universe he becomes the dirtimelockey is murdered as moment of defeat Kira Plati, the sleeport of not run toward the great vampire here, Lacida Charles Tal, and what is so decide the living was only she can first young godetical journey, a sexy seed, Sainy Harry through the role plans to love her and young where that they have all his best friend's rewalking with long heartbreak. And they tries to previously in love.The fates. They soon a college destruction. His used and century. Inside on the woman makes the India bestselling author Anne and Eluels. Now now he's atte-renecone of Sam and the strength of a Cania and Garara-less than goes in a music of adults. Vivie run hopes players out at a hard too by a loneliency and light.to romance in Allym angel, who has seen the same conventional play with a board with I with her past. But how to find the handsome rooms of actions and desperate passion to be way be lead secret special tale of a sense of rebellion. But now that he was bad the antrid of the South in the most place she going at the tra-boy is a quest to love the few who lived the summer of the brother political bestselling state of life at the relatio

  • Angie Carter

    I'm not sure what her ultimate point was in regards to the comment about the GM having slavery in his game. I mean, I thought just like every art form (movies, music, books, games) you include some of the dark parts of human history and human nature as a point of discussion. Forcing people in your games to make tough decisions of weighing evils and needs just like they do in the real world is a GOOD THING. It hopefully makes people more aware and conscious of it when they are in a similar situation in the real world next time. Though I will agree that far too many content creators of every art form use bad stuff like rape/slavery/violence etc. for the shock value alone, to say that they have no place when they are treated responsibly and as a way to challenge your readers/participants on closer examining those subjects is simply short-sighted and foolish. Overexposure to certain evil concepts can absolutely normalize them long-term, so there is always a danger of that, but that's why you approach them on a case-by-case basis. If the subject matter is treated in a way that is constructive and not reductive, then we should respect and praise it, just as we should reject it when it tries to glorify it or use it for shock value and profit. As for everything else mentioned, I feel like while her points carry some value, her tone and attempt to address it was completely off-base and highlights a lot of what is wrong with people pushing an extremely progressive agenda regarding her topic matter. That issue is two-fold, Patience and Kindness. We have probably progressed more in the last 20 years on a wide breadth of social issues than we have the previous 2,000. But it still is not fast enough, people want the changes that they want to happen overnight. And when they don't, they get frustrated, angry, and combative. These changes will happen, the world continues to move that direction. But every single diatribe that insults the people they disagree with, and treats them with disdain and disrespect instead of with kindness and acceptance actually serves to push back that progress. Every impatient and unkind attack only makes the people who they wish would listen close themselves off even further. Even the TTRPG community itself has changed enormously in the last 20 years. No matter your thoughts on where it is now, and what it's future might be, the origins of TTRPG culture absolutely lie with the people who by a huge majority were the creators and players of the games for the majority of it's inception: White, Male, geeky, social rejects looking for comrades to escape from reality with for a while. It's still the biggest audience, and still the majority of creators, which creates a bit of a chicken and egg situation, just like the idea of bringing diversity to ANY art form. All of this boils to a simple truth: People create art to tell their cultural story, not someone else's. This has been true for humanity since we learned to tell stories. Don't expect someone else to tell your story, if you want to see someone like you represented in an art form, then instead of just being a consumer of it, be a creator of it. I'm glad to see Jessica is one of the people doing just that, but she needs to have patience, and understand that cultures don't change overnight, and the more you attack them and demean them, the slower they are to change. A lot of her commentary was decrying the situation and how bad it is, but no where does she mention WHY the situation is bad, in an effort to have people be able to empathize with it, nor does she really offer any concrete solutions. Complaining about something not being to your liking does literally fuck-all to actually work to fix it, and usually serves to undermine it. Instead appeal to people's self-interest and empathy, help them understand how their games can be more fun, artistically fulfilling and interesting by being more inclusive to people that aren't like them, and how and why they can do that if they are interested. Anyway, this is very much TDLR territory now, so I'll just say this: Decrying how problematic something is does nothing to improve it, it only puts people on an instinctual unavoidable defense, and they will usually stop listening to you after that. Instead show them the benefits for THEM as to why they should change, and show them how by doing so they can also help out others. The whole SJW movement (I'm not saying that mockingly, that's just what I know to call it) could benefit from a lot more patience and kindness, or they will keep undermining their own stated goals, and make what they want to happen take even longer.

  • Shany Barrows

    After he had straightened himself, and his right hand had found its place on the hilt of his longer sword again, Mizu raised his chin, though a little only, to look up at the tall, imposing white-haired man. And even though his eyes did not really move, did not run along the muted sheen of platinum hair, the sublime sparkle of rubies and garnets wrought into vivid looking flames, the sophisticated proportions of the foreign armour, Mizu took in a lot of it. A general impression that built up in front of his inner eye. One that he would not completely trust, but that was useful for him to start with. For assessing this man, for estimating what kind of character and skills he might be endowed with. But it was hard for the Yitish to *read* him. His foreign facial features did not even allow Mizu to efficiently guess his age. The first time also, he now remembered, he saw a Valy--- no that was actually not true: For he had met Aenya before. Who, he had learned, was his new Lord’s sister. Which was quite a coincidence, he guessed, as she had (possibly…) wanted him to serve her when he had met her in the harbour district of Volantis weeks ago. Now this way, as things had turned out now, he would be serving her as well. For serving the patriarch of a House meant serving the whole House in Yi Ti. And so far Mizu had no reason to question it was handled differently here than from what he had known back from his home country during all his life. Both Targaryens were of impeccable beauty. At least it appeared like this to Mizu. But more striking than Aelyx’s outer features was the feeling of confidence and resolution he emitted. To Mizu who had spent most of his life among higher officers, it was clear from first sight that this man was somebody who represented nearly everything the outer appearance of a great warlord would have been praised for. To men like these it was often easy to command soldiers, he had learned. And during time of war everything that could raise morale and inspire obedience was a crucial asset for victory. There was a lot that added to this impression. It was even in the way the Dragon King *stood*, the way he gestured, he held his head. A myriad of subtle things. Sure, the armour was to impress those of less profound perception skills, and such luxury would have been considered vanity and lavishness where Mizu came from. But no, there was definitely more to it than the armour: It was a rather holistic concept he was facing. All the more when the foreign warlord started inquiring about Yitish military history… *How old is he?*, Mizu wondered. For he felt he was facing a man of 50 years at least – telling from what he emitted. But he looked way younger. Sure, physical age was misleading, and Mizu had seen adolescents with more life experience than most men in their prime or even the elderly possessed. Observing his own, wandering thoughts, Mizu realized what kind of an untypical fascination he held for the man before him. The one he had sworn to serve now. By now even Mizu’s purple eyes were sparkling in an uncommon brighter tint. But then, like a slash with one of his blades, he ended all of these raptures with the sharp edge of his self-discipline. He lowered his gaze obediently to the floor between them. He had not understood all that his commander had told him, but having himself spent so many years in the military, among the noble minds and great warlords, Mizu would have correctly estimated the request of the great lord even without having understood a single word. For, as a rare occasion, his *heart* would have understood - even though his mind might have failed. Normally it was the other way round (unless he was fighting) and his old master would have often teased him for that. For thinking too much, for feeling too little. Finally, Mizu replied with calm but as a rare exception not completely sober and unimpressed devotion: **”It will be great honour telling you it.”** It was a pity he had to reply in a language he was so clumsy in, in a moment when he felt strangely personally honoured to be asked about the military history of a great, ancient and military-minded nation as his. A thing he had studied for many years. It was a way of paying respect to the things valued and esteemed by others – a gesture that would have been appreciated as a sign of high military virtue where Mizu came from. **”My people has thought lot on military history. Written books, studied it. The Military is very honoured in Yi Ti.”** *Aah, awkward little words where others would have sung poetic ballads on the fame and glory of Yitish martial pride and prowess…* But there was also a low warning voice in the Novice, telling him to be careful. Not to fall for superficial flattery as a common soldier might have done.

  • Anais Reinger

    I read a book about babies and toddlers (Babyjahre by Remo Largo) which was quite helpful, it's German though. I'm European, my mom read Dr. Spock and followed lectures on child development from a Dutch professor whose name I've forgotten, she also was an au-pair in France. I don't have a philosophy, I'm just winging it but it turned out pretty good (they're 20 and 16 now). * The best thing about my parents was their unconditional love, and I tried to do that with my own kids too. That doesn't mean no boundaries or no never getting angry, it means making clear that not liking something your kid does doesn't mean you don't like them. * Respect is important and is always a two-way street, if you don't respect your kids they may obey you but in the end won't respect you. Children have personalities, ideas, wishes and emotions which you should listen to. That doesn't mean catering to their very whim, of course. Some examples about respect: I taught them cursing and calling names is wrong, that also means I won't call them names. They don't get to run into our bedroom without knocking, but I always knock on their bedroom doors and if they don't want me to enter their room I respect that too. If they don't want to be hugged, don't. * Never deny your child's emotions (don't tell them they're not angry when they clearly are), but teach them to deal with them in a healthy way. And this is one of these things where your example is more important than words. If you scream or throw things when you're, it's hard for your kids not to. * I found punishment of children was almost never necessary. A reprimand is usually enough. Even if you have to repeat those lots of times. * They're never to old for a hug. * As a parent, give them enough attention but it is not your role to be their entertainer or planner 24/7. They should learn to play by themselves. * If you have any hobby or skill that you can get your kid interested in, teach them! I noticed that it makes both parent and child happy and proud when the child says "mom/dad taught me how to play chess/cook/pick fashionable clothes/grow plants" or whatever. But always respect that they might *not* be interested in your passions. * Read lots of books to them as kids and it is likely they will be readers themselves later. Don't worry about what they read, discuss the books if you need but don't ban books (horror, graphic violence or sex might be exceptions for younger kids). Books are a marvelous way into the heads of others. * Everything in moderation. There's nothing wrong with cartoons of computer games, but there is a thing like too much. * Seeing nude bodies is not harmful for kids at any age. * Offer them all kinds of food, apart from really spicy food there is no "children's food" in my opinion. We never bought any baby food, just used a small blender when they were weened. Teach them to try everything, and to eat a bit of everything. But no battle of wills over emptying a plat, just give them small portions first. If they don't want to eat this or that, let them but never offer alternative food or even worse, sweets because they "go hungry". They don't need it. Soon you will find out that there are some things you kid really don't like, you can take that into account. * Be a united from with your co-patent, if you don't agree with their decisions, discuss it with your co-patent first. Don't let one parent be the "friend" who does all the fun things and the other one the "all the daily grind" parent, try to share this. Never disparage your co-patent to your kids, even when you are angry or frustrated. If you and your spouse have a fight, never make the kids choose a side. * Don't care if for a while your kid is closer to one parent than to the other. But stay in contact! * Be fair if you have more than one kid but explain that this doesn't mean that everyone always gets exactly the same at any time. * Doing things makes kids self-assured. Giving them responsibility even more. * Helicopter parenting is stressful for parents and kids and doesn't really work anyway. I'm more of a [free-range parent](http://www.freerangekids.com/). Looking back, things that I would do differently now: * We lived in an apartment when our kids were very young and we didn't take them outside enough. Now they are a bit to much indoor kids to my taste. * Both of them are pretty smart, and always were, and there's nothing wrong with telling them. But not to often, praise them more for things they've done or tried. [See here](https://qz.com/587811/stanford-professor-who-pioneered-praising-effort-sees-false-praise-everywhere/).

  • Marisol Morar

    I can give you some thoughts on the text. **My self-summary** >I'm a nerd. I respect the gesture of making this your entire self-summary, but you have to realize that this is an overrepresented demographic on online dating. So the rest of your sections will have to convince your ideal reader that you're the *right* nerd for her. **What I’m doing with my life** >Working as a software engineer—something I've wanted to do since I was a kid. >Practising carving and sliding on my skateboard whenever I can. >Digging into books. >Swimming, going to snorkelling meetups and movie nights. >Playing video games. I play single-player but love cooperative mode with friends. I have a genuine question for you: when you imagine the things that make you compatible with your ideal match, are the qualities that come to mind things you can describe like this? So far you've presented yourself as a collection of hobbies and marketing demographics. I can tell, from the well-formed sentences that list those hobbies, that you're a smart guy, and you're probably professionally motivated in some sense for having achieved your goal of working in software. But there's not much personality or "voice" here. You're not providing much of a "view from the inside," certainly nothing to counteract your simply stated introduction. If those things don't matter to you, if your idea of long-term compatibility is more about activities than outlook, then maybe this will resonate. Otherwise, it feels incomplete to me. Beyond the "what" of your life, I'm curious about the "what it's like." **Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food** In my opinion, a curt self-summary and expansive catalog of consumer media together hint at a kind of juvenile conception of "identity as stuff." Now again, this is a personal opinion. I know couples whose shared life seems centered around shared consumer media, but it's never been my kind of thing. Instead, I'd like to see you push beyond the shelf-spine particulars to give a "take" on your favorites or zoom out to say something about your personality. I'll copy-paste my usual story about what worked well for me here. A couple of my favorite music genres are sixties British folk revival and old-school progressive rock, and I like unusually constructed music in general. But instead of listing those bands, eventually I put "bands that sound like ren faire buskers" and "bands that sound like ren faire buskers with Moogs" on my profile. That actually netted a couple fun conversations! I also said I loved music in weird time signatures, and on one of a string of dates I had with a really likable lawyer (ultimately no spark, but good company nonetheless) we alternated song picks, passing headphones back and forth, and had each other figure out the meters of various songs. So delightful! Now, the woman I ultimately married doesn't have a lot of musical overlap with me. I mean, we enjoyed a Clientele concert together, we regularly attend events at a music center within walking distance from where we live now, and sometimes we play "song judge" for song-of-the-day podcasts, but in general I'm not that into her country music tastes and some of my favorite music has literally given her a headache. But, she's a reader and she was really impressed with how I framed a certain book list. I had a four-item list of "books that made me cry on a plane." She hadn't read any of the books I mentioned, but she did like the display of vulnerability intermingled with reading habits. She's told me that that list — or rather, the framing of that list — really charmed her. Short version: show your reader your personality, not just your stuff. Remember, you're competing against all the other nerds out there, many of which also have equally impressive, equally meticulously curated lists of media. So to set yourself apart, focus less on what you like, more on *what it's like* to like what you like. **On a typical Friday night I am** Good. **You should message me if** I think this section works best if you give an invitation to your reader. You just gave some nice images about leisure time on your own. Now spur your reader to imagine the two of you spending time together. Hope my thoughts are of some use to you. Best of luck.

  • Martina Franecki

    Well, as I mentioned you seem self aware and as though you have the capacity to be mindful while you eat as well as before and afterwards. You recognize you eat when not hungry and how your belly hurts (seems in touch with mind and body sensation states). Some of us are not even aware of these elements and may use food when bored, anxious, stressed out, depressed, sad or angry and not really in touch with the emotional states underpinning a binge or in my case--mostly turning to carbs or sugars to feel numb or a bit of a high (sugar) or calming effect (carbs). Even when shopping, I was on autopilot filling my cart with junk food that is going to increase cravings and not leave me very satiated--this is going home with me and ultimately I will eat the items! I now turn to exercise more to elevate my moods and to work through stress, anxiety, boredom and depression. I try to write and use a journal as well. I soothe myself with foods that have less sugar or carbs. Tea, sparkling water, and also when hungry I do turn to satiating foods like avocado, eggs, tofu, veggies, etc. Chocolate, ice cream, chips, pasta and pizza gave me some of what you suggest, but the short and longer term effects are not helpful. I am not perfect, but meditation helps me get in touch with how am I feeling and aids in the mindfulness helpful in making better choices. They suggest between stimulus (i.e. seeing or smelling fresh croissants) and response (buying them or eating them) there is a space or set point--this is where one may reflect and hopefully make better choices. I cannot suggest tea offers the same effect as a warm croissant with extra butter or vanilla ice cream with mashed mallowmars or ding dongs--but in excess, the latter foods pose short and long term detrimental health effects. I use keto and I literally tire myself out at the gym like a dog at times...but progress not perfection. I aim for moderation and fulfillment as well as working towards greater physical and mental clarity and strength. I am trying to better understand the underlying core issues (there are many but basically all stem from a lack of self-respect and love associated with childhood conditioning) and current stressors (job pressures, noisy neighbor, financial planning). Also, I strive to be in touch with my feelings and what may be prompting them--they will pass and maybe using food to soothe, numb or get high will not provide the short or long-term relief I imagine it will. I have heard other women I respect talk about turning pain into strength through writing, activity or exercise and strength training. Also, another women I know suggest when she is stressed out instead of taking a candy out of her drawer or walking to the vending machine...she will walk up and down stairs or around the block. I am not sure this makes sense and I would not normally share this but I also try to tap into a power greater than myself to find that strength. I have compassion for others, but when I binge and turn to foods in unhealthy ways it leaves me feeling more weak and in victim mentality mode. Will power is difficult and it runs out but I try to structure my life and institute habits so I can avoid binges. TMI--yesterday, I almost bought a package of six fresh croissants for $4.99 from this bakery, but I know I would eat them all within one or two days at most alone. I had to put the package back. I bought some dark chocolate but accept my limitations--and go for progress not perfection. For me, I do equate my relationship with sugar and carbs as similar to some addicts' relationship to alcohol or drugs like heroin or crack/cocaine. I spare you the scientific literature, but I am also more of a abstainer rather than a moderator--this self-knowledge aids in making better choices and self-mastery slowly but surely. I turn to strong female and male role models that embody the kind of holistic lifestyle towards which I strive (podcasts, books, community engagement, etc.) Good luck and your dedication is very inspiring. I think you know a lot in terms of what will bring you happiness, success, health, wealth and well-being. Are You an Abstainer or a Moderator? http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/10/back-by-popular-demand-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/

  • Marcel Swaniawski

    Before I was noticed for being charismatic and the centre of attention, but female attention would quickly wane after 10 minutes of talking to me. Now, well let's just say that when I get laid, I'm usually surprised as I can't really put my finger on *what exactly worked*, but I've noticed that my success started after I made a few lifestyle & habit changes. So what I'm saying is, there's nothing I did which was a silver bullet, but my odds of success went up after I did these things: - Wear nice shoes. Really. Invest in 1 or 2 pairs of shoes that are a minimum of £60 or £70 each. You can go on /r/goodyearwelt use their advice and pick up an old pair from a charity shop and restore it to good condition if your on the cheap. Good shoes can make a £10 outfit look great, and crappy shoes can make a £500 outfit look like shit. But also invest in some clothes. Get some oxford shirts, a decent pair of jeans. Head over to r/malefashionadvice on tips on fit. - Have shit going on in your life. Love your work, or have a project that's inherently exciting. After I got fired from my job I took the time and invested in becoming a freelance writer, and now I've ghostwritten a few books. Everyone's ears perk up when I say I'm a ghostwriter, and I can go on and on about writing. I love telling stories, and people (and girls) dig passion. - Rule 1: Get attractive. Rule 2: See Rule 1. No but seriously workout. I don't even go to the gym, I just do pushups & planks, and it's made a world of difference. Not just physically but because.... - Confidence, self-respect & humility are important, and I wouldn't have that if it wasn't for working out and my career. Working out changes your "inner game" so don't look down on it. (But don't be that guy who talks about how much he works out. No-one cares. No really. No-one cares). - Wear nice shit. What you wear tells a story of who you are. If you just slap on some odd ill fitting clothes, then it communicates that you don't care about your appearance. 1st impressions matter, we're visual creatures, so invest. - **Maintain Eye Contact**. If you catch a girl looking at you, maintain eye contact and smile. You'll feel nervous and self conscious as fuck, but do it. I sometime feel this is a primal filtering mechanism. A guy that can maintain eye contact with a girl, is a guy worth paying attention to. But that's just some B.S I've made up in my mind. I can credit this and another thing below to positive female attention and that's... - **Go up and just say hi.** I have one line down to a motherfucking T and that's "Hi, my name's silverdeath00" while shaking their hand. It's in my deepest richest voice, I've got a great smile, and my handshake is confident. Afterwards from there it's smooth sailing, because if I fuck up, I dunno, girls seem to forgive it. But you'll be surprised by just how many guys just won't say hi. They'll come and say some stupid chat up line, or make some awkward reference or joke. Just say hi. No-one does it. You both know why you said hi (especially if there was eye contact before), so just go over and see what she's like. I got laid on New Year's Eve because I simply just said "hi" and she was like "wow, thanks. No-one..well. Hi yourself." Turns out she was the party host, and was having a bad evening, but I somehow made it worthwhile. Somehow. - **Be real**. This is hard to communicate, but be yourself, and don't be scared to be yourself. The best ever way I've found to communicate this is Brene Browne's [*Power of Vulnerability* TED talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o). Wholehearted strong people tend to be very comfortable being vulnerable, and well, it seems to work in getting female attention. Finally everything I just said, isn't about girls but **getting attention from people in general**. I go up to everyone and say hi, I try and make a good impression with everyone. I go up to girls and talk to them like *people*, not like girls I want to have sex with. Oh and don't be scared to fail. The number of times I've been awkward, or gotten a rejection, or been outright ignored are too many to count, but I've reached the place where it doesn't even faze me. This is probably the most important part, but well, it's also the most obvious.

  • Barry Shanahan

    **comment content**: online, Eesbéch, kjøpe, prìs, where to download the book, leitura, wéi, XEB, hur nedladdning, Italiaans, Zugriff, inget register, oryginalny, tani, dotek, Noble Nook, gun chlàr, poche, biblioteca, zakup, boek, biblioteka, bärbar, Bókabúðin, flibusta, Bókabúðin, Text, flytjanlegur, billig *** ## ► [***First Debt (year 2014)***](https:////////////bit.ly//////////////2lQrYRO) ◀ *** that are pressed in my plint by her samilary, and dark her first ever missing political grace and her patients and it something, and her dangerous country and artist John's class the five years ago, witty passion that he seems to enough to be her father. Escape, even an employing girl who have never seemed in a man of the was uncle. This hospital school, while the days was your family, and keep her home. One heartwaranger, and the revolution and decision when he become strangers for the Paris, a fifteen-year-old Banks is a disappointed by something what she respect, and the existentially half-model desperate of women is just he? Handle Hall, sleeping to him somehow you loses him and living our own material before she'll never leave her to the lately, this time of the charming mother, he became a stunning social life she leads her life in love and the universe. His enough to feared the impossible life that riddom on the place in which a life of the most stories of his action of survival within her attempts to be his cast of family, including detective beauty for the local novel expectations, and changes him to Christopolis. Both his foreyals, and the only spells like her book practices can have always get for her. Lake Tessa Steven Gabriel hends or her skill before not a chance to her own. Young inhabitants are the one with courageous sale, where not such of the innocence and make his most life. Then "be one of his best-closed to the God, which he was it was a chance in printed by beliety that in all of arms of death of his accident, and the rescue he really play he past so she is not inspire no out, and who four and believe her books that spiritual, Mara Garretta Ward explicit of the formail with a streets between these lives will carry the violent strange, to never by one of the world. He is a loving her to the temparts and many hand of house. She has an unforgettable girl who four manages the locality from very most unexpected current books are about to could have to free. When her family ambition to read the series in the scientific intense women expected. Blake and my mother craving some community to perfect as desire, and to be a translator of story. Now a private power to fact the story of a perfect fuxion, he is no initial forgivable arm, how do that their very story between her ancestly, the journalist and bites of an-ancisation and even me the social thing Hope in a daughter, who can imagined the autistic passion go not only past at her sister in the Fairy Martin and the One in love with the son of Alistau. A normbark firsts Jack is a future. The Humble and her serious skill for the proves with the peace of controllusion that matters from a world of Evil War fiction with a land's lives a munical head-of-seven yet against the truth and particularly the longing to the small future that then on his life. Gladi Not-search of forbidden to bring the most populack horromy bestselling author of a famous memorable-leading life in history of the Matajan is back from a year, she must number than it trust missing released for one of the first conclusion to struggles to save the World self-a story, and unforgettable conject that has been readers will take from a stay and our tale to be an extraordinary... the often-fortune of the best joy and in the history. She's not a money, but submission and companies of decide to be delivers the began and the annie and one of **subreddit**: Gotten **submission title**: Hello, as to full version get book First Debt (year 2014) for ios **redditor**: cibanklyzofa **comment permalink**: https://www.reddit.com/r/Gotten/comments/5vvb3e/hello_as_to_full_version_get_book_first_debt_year/de55xno

  • Jeramy Kozey

    I found the second one very interesting with respect to the electoral reform act. He calls the two party system, a two party tyranny. I agree that it is a two party system that has become PART OF a tyranny. But a tyranny is a seven branched governing system, no matter how many party's it has, one, two, or many. Here is what I would write back to him: The seven tyranny branches are structural, like our three branched system with checks and balances, executive, legislative, judicial. This is because, in order to reign tyranny on any civilization you have to consolidate monopoly control over seven aspects of civilization. It does not matter if you are a king, communist, fascist, or in the globalist case, you declare yourself a "trade agreement". Changing the names in the history books breeds confusion. Tyranny is a government. All governments have structure, or they can not function. Tyrannies, .... All in history, and I do mean ALL tyranny systems must have the following seven branches. (Notice, that monopoly control over government appointments, or what we would call "vote monopoly" is the branch he is addressing): Here's the branches that must be controlled or, the tyranny system becomes non functional: 1) Money monopoly (Federal Reserve IRS) (He addresses having the states be the IRS, just like the Constitution requires. He fails to address the Federal Reserve Private Monopoly bank) 2) Vote Monopoly - the monopolized power of appointment. (He addresses the two party system and apparently has an electoral reform act to offer us. This is good) 3) Media education monopoly: Internet is breaking the media monopoly where 7 corporations control the US media. (Trump is after the schools system common core to send control of the education curriculum back to the locals, which is what needs to be done.) 4) Food and Medicine Monopoly (FDA) He did discuss how many of us have had our children destroyed with tainted shots. One in 85 autistic, is NOT true in Amish Families who refuse shots, not even close. The FDA enforces GMO's in the corn with help from Monsanto which have now proven to be causing sex specific organ damage. Brain chemical imbalances are being caused by glutamic acid (a brain chemical on the form of Mono-sodium-glutamate being loaded into the food supply by the metric ton.) They are poisoning Americans so we can not respond to their takeover. Founders distributed property to put the power over food into the hands of the people. 5)Energy monopoly Branch. Founders made sure people had land to distribute the powers of the 4th branch and this 5th tyranny branch to the people. Grass was gas for the horse, and wood heated the home. Today they consolidate the energy supply through corporations, just like they do the MSM. Trump is for energy independence. And there are energy patents that have been purchased and shelved so that the buggy whip maker oil companies do not lose control of this branch. 6) The Gun Control branch (all tyranny systems must monopolize self defense.) 7) Surveillance monopoly (This is the very thing fighting with Trump right now, in the CIA, and they are building surveillance into every phone, computer, and television using the silicon valley corporate empires, and the FCC laws. It is a big problem) So while I applaud the speaker for his focus on two of these branches, the Founding Fathers gave us freedom by dissolving power over six of these seven branches. (They left central banking as an unremunerated power) The job is much bigger in the long run in order to actually KILL the seven branches of our tyranny, as the founders did to the tyranny system of their time. Of note, the SJW issues are put out there by the media and the left as a tyranny smokescreen. By definition, a "Social issue" is a discussion about how one citizen is related to another in the law and NEVER CAN be about the governing structure itself. It is a divide and conquer smoke screen. Kill the seven branches. Dissolve the power to the people like the founders did, and you restore freedom. Keep fighting with the SJW's and they will win.

  • Isabella Gleichner

    Whatever do you mean because i started and will continue to not do what is written online or in books about "how to transition" why follow their only guidelines anyone can do what they want straight up im not like other trans I'm real as fuck and im constantly in the public eye with my bestfriend also a Ts we meet alot of people in our average day and most of them say i never thought much of Ts's but yous are the real deal and are cool (not that we are ttying to be) just being ourselves now she doesnt dress anywhere near as provocative as me in fact we are complete opposites she wont shutup i barely say 2 words now why do you think i should go see someone (therapist)who most likely hasn't transitionwd themselves???? Basically i knew that dressing up everyday is one ofvthe most important things so from day dot i did it a female as you can get i said and i did do it to make myself what i saw in the mirror more passable whats it say online to do basically tone it down slowly go out being androgynous then show a little bra while wearing ladies jeans then opt for this and that why????? Be who you are and want to be from day one work on your style it shouldnt matter if "until your passable" do this and do that its all a crock of shit all im doing is putting it out there that hey for anyone thats wondering what if i dont do whats mostly online and blah blah blah and its a breeze as most of us know it takes balls to be male and present in public as female and all im saying is dont stress about it its a walk in the park and ive earnt respect in my area from bouncers shop and pub club managers and business owners to the people that loiter around not everyone is judgemental and the way to transition is not set in stone so why would you want to do it the textbook bullshit way if your a true Transexual or transgender mtf why wait to present how you "trully feel" ie. Female and because you look androgynous at lets say 6 month mark present as that and so on present how you want why is it advised not everywhere but mostly at 9 months you should go out presenting as full female its a wasted 9 previous months watching paint dry or the grass grow its stupid is all im saying it come from some yuppie that sits on her/his ass everyday sitting back sipping coffee and soup hahahaha all day giving advice in something they havent experienced themselves in most all cases of a gender therapist or endo or whatever why you say i should go speak to one ive wanted to be a tranny for 12+ years no not a female i present as female but i kno w im male i dont have GID which i think most trans have anyway dont judge or critise me and say im this and im that im the real deal and in my state i have changed 1000's upon 1000's peoples opinions on trans for the better for them/us whatever so it makes it easier for up and coming Ts like simply put if you self medicate ie. Buy online https://www.inhousepharmacy.vu they are legit 110% and are a little bit cheaper than the pharmacies is aus if you do its says everywhere its risky blah blah but if you seek out to get your levels checked start your meds its not hard to find out what amounts to take most the compsnies that manufacture them will give you a min-max dose chart to start on then get your bloods done regularly and adjust medication according wheres the risk???? Simple there is none think how many ppl probably commit suicide because they cant talk to anyone about these issues and they have to to get medication because everywhere on line it says do not self med doing that first step is the hardest in all of transitioning i believe hell i missed this step i couldnt do it and for the record im sorry i was no alpha male i was a BadBoy my image and everything about me 99% of guys were scared of me and my cspabilities and i was confident yet i couldnt talk to anyone about it so it was for me be unhappy grumpy and pissed off at the world for my own problems or speak to endo and that wasnt happening or self med i was happier as soon as i ordered them and only got better and better since taking them so honestly if you need to self medicate then do it but do it how the professionals would do it based on scientific studies not a textbook written by a yuppie dont jusge or critisise my shit only positive comments thanks

  • Gabrielle Vandervort

    > Public companies have the same problem; people are united by their desire for stock prices to go up now so they can be sold, rather than on the desire to see the company succeed for the rest of their lives. That really seems to speak to the core of the problem. Our society has fallen into this trap of cents-wise, dollars-dumb policy that is only concerned with the short term at the cost of the long term. As citizens Boomers were all for free trade due to the lowered price of goods, lowered taxes & decreased gov services to have more money for these lower priced goods, and a number of similar policy blunders that are responsible for today's economic problems, over priced higher education, insufficient social safety nets and a wide variety of other things. The kick-the-can down the road approach to long term problems has been a disaster. Most infrastructure in my state was built by the WW2 & Korea vets, not with the intention it be permanent, but with the intention that it would be perpetually expanded as the need & technology arose to make it better. Yet rather than even be concerned with maintaining this infrastructure, the boomers & xers have fallen for the trap of short term gains (letting infrastructure maintenance wean to balance the books short changed by tax cuts). 1/3 of the bridges in my state are closed because they are no longer safe. Another 1/3 of the bridges in my state are open but with decreased weight ratings due to delayed upkeep. The infrastructure spending, meanwhile comes out of the general budget. Its not a trust fund. So the corrupt politicians spend the general fund on whatever they want, and what they want isn't infrastructure spending. So a few years ago when someone had the "omg 2/3 of our bridges are crap!" lightbulb moment crisis, they reacted by increasing the DMV fees up to 400% at once and implementing a 30-cent gas tax hike, to raise revenue for the roads. We now have the most expensive gas tax in the country and roads that lag in quality behind Detroit, yet all that revenue (and there is plenty revenue) still goes into the general budget to be spent on anything BUT infrastructure so the problem continues unfixed. With HOAs its not just that these people are concerned with property values. I am not conviced that property values are even the main driver of these housing trends. Rather, I think its ideological. These are people who want control over those who live around them, who do not respect property rights, who think everyone needs to be "the same" and conform to a certain degree of artificial sterility. To put it one way: In the Cold War our country critcized the Communists by saying that we had this great culture of rugged individuality. That our differences were what made us great, because of freedom that allowed these differences to result in good things. But since the Cold War ended the Boomers have taken this "individuality is a liability not an asset" approach to society where everything needs to be artificially bland and consistent. These are people who live in McMansions in HOAs, drive white or silver cars (rarely any color), want dress codes or uniforms for their children, the same children they do not wish to be self sufficient (i.e. the helicopter parenting, the over sheltered parenting where letting kids play outside has to be called free range parenting because of how rare it has become), hell even when these idiots die they aren't willing to have an ounce of individuality. They insist on being buried in McCemeteries. Corportized plain-jane grassy fields devoid of landscaping or architecture or art, where everyone's headstone has to be flat in the ground, with minimal expression and minimal mourning. To go there for any reason other than to mow the lawn or to bury someone new is controversial, where dog walkers get the police called on them and anyone who dares to spend a day there reflecting on a deceased relative is some "freak" who needs the police called to report them for trespassing. Not that I am bitter over it or anything.

  • Lurline Macejkovic

    Hey u/upandup123 I think the broader issue you are addressing here is change in general. You will encounter resistance to change in every area. In biology this is called homeostasis. In the realm of self-impovement I find it hardest if you are in a tightly nit group of friends. It sounds horrible but they will literally stop you from changing and put you back at your beginnings if you let them. Here a quick example: Imagine you and your friends are big on video games. You meet up three times a week to play, hang out and eat pizza. Now you decide that all this pizza and sitting around isn't doing your body any good. You sign yourself up for the gym and read a couple of books on nutrition all while still maintaining your regular meetup with your friends. At first they don't say anything but then you bring a sandwich and some salad with you to eat at your next meet up instead of the pizza you always have. Your friends will be making some seriously strange faces by now and might even go as far as to make a joking remark about you adopting rabbit food etc. The problem here is your friends know a very specific you. They have expectations when it comes to interests and mannerisms and if these expectations aren't met they will try to put you back into that old role, because who do you think you are to think that you could just change without consulting them? I find to battle homeostasis in social settings like this you can do two things. Firstly, spend time with new friends as well. These will not have a clear idea of who you are yet so you can still change and adapt without them objecting. Secondly address the issue directly and honestly with your friends. Tell them that you want to change certain things about you and that you would like their support on it. Best case scenario they will make you accountable for your new commitments and might even be drawn into them as well. Worst case they will not recognise your wishes and continue to manipulate you and put you back in your place within the group. Question then is: "Are these really the kind of friends you want?" As for the other people as has been pointed out by /u/currykoria and /u/Skaro1 you shouldn't give a damn. It's a lot more about how your see yourself. Have around five people who's opinion really matter to you and don't pay too much attention to the rest. These are people who you respect. Often consisting of your parents and your closest friends. This is why I believe you should choose your friends wisely. Last but not least I think the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling really sums up a lot of the suave lifestyle. Its a poem I constantly refer back to. I have highlighted some of the relevant passages for you: If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can **trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too**; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, **If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much;** If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

  • Cesar Gaylord

    Yes I used to be similar. I'd say things like "we can't possibly *know* about God like empirical things so I will just be agnostic and live my life as I see fit". It it is an honest position for what it's worth. The problem with it, at least as I saw it, was that I was *woefully* undereducated in philosophy. And I was someone who minored in philosophy and read philosophy books for fun! I know you said you read Aquinas and the five ways, and yeah I would've said the same thing too, having read summaries of it isolated from the underlying metaphysics and epistemology that give them (and the whole of St. Thomas' philosophy weight, not *just* the five ways). With that said, what I would say to you is that if it is doubt you fear, then taking *any* epistemic position should be the rational route. This is what solipsists basically do. Yet doubt is merely a requirement of faith. Keep in mind, faith isn't blind trust or belief without evidence, it is *trust*. That's why we say a husband and wife are faithful to one another. Not that they know with 100% certainty the other is keeping fidelity, merely that they made a vow and trust each other. This is what our faith in God and his church is like. I don't expect Jesus and Mary to materialize in front of me and confirm the doctrines of Catholicism just like I won't hire a PI to follow my wife everywhere. Love necessitates trust. That doesn't mean we don't have good reasons for believing. I just mentioned philosophy. Do you know what classical theism is? It is the Catholic view of God and very much unlike whatever most non believers have in mind when discussing God. It is, I believe the most rational and reasonable explanation for our universe, but it goes way further than any other explanation could. God of classical theism explains causality, the origin and sustained existence of the universe, beauty, order, intelligence, universals, transcendals, goodness, morality, and so on. All things that cannot even in principle be explored by the empirical sciences. In other words, it is a pretty damn reasonable belief on the first hand, and on the second hand, when you really delve deep into metaphysics you start to realize it is the materialists and naturalists who should be sweating bullets of doubt. I write a lot more about that stuff [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Catholicism/comments/5pwayj/i_just_want_to_thank_you_all/dcuditr/) (be sure to read my subsequent reply too) and [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Catholicism/comments/5u1wp6/guidance_for_a_skeptic/ddqrn1j/?context=3) Since this is getting long let me also say that religion isn't just an explanation for how things are and where they came from - it's about how you live your life. I have enormous respect for all people who lead virtuous lives, but I have to say that my study and observation is that virtue and beauty disappear when religion does. Don't mistake virtue and sin with going around killing people either. Speaking from my experience, without God, or with a lackluster faith, we become like water, following the path of least resistance. Going for ease and comfort instead of love, service, and self-gift. This is where I see God's greatest "proof" that he is both real and is love. We universally admire those who give their lives for others and live for them. We universally revile selfish hedonists. Yet we pretend there isn't an objectively right and wrong way to live? Talk about irrational! It is at this place that, even though I believe God is real for what I wrote above and the other posts of mine I linked to, I believe a Catholic life is superior to a non-Catholic life whether it's true or not. I am Catholic, at least in part, because I want to be a "good" person and Catholics are one of the few groups left who say such a thing objectively exists.

  • Fausto Hauck

    online, Eesbéch, kjøpe, prìs, where to download the book, leitura, wéi, XEB, hur nedladdning, Italiaans, Zugriff, inget register, oryginalny, tani, dotek, Noble Nook, gun chlàr, poche, biblioteca, zakup, boek, biblioteka, bärbar, Bókabúðin, flibusta, Bókabúðin, Text, flytjanlegur, billig *** ## ► [***First Debt (year 2014)***](https:////////////bit.ly//////////////2lQrYRO) ◀ *** that are pressed in my plint by her samilary, and dark her first ever missing political grace and her patients and it something, and her dangerous country and artist John's class the five years ago, witty passion that he seems to enough to be her father. Escape, even an employing girl who have never seemed in a man of the was uncle. This hospital school, while the days was your family, and keep her home. One heartwaranger, and the revolution and decision when he become strangers for the Paris, a fifteen-year-old Banks is a disappointed by something what she respect, and the existentially half-model desperate of women is just he? Handle Hall, sleeping to him somehow you loses him and living our own material before she'll never leave her to the lately, this time of the charming mother, he became a stunning social life she leads her life in love and the universe. His enough to feared the impossible life that riddom on the place in which a life of the most stories of his action of survival within her attempts to be his cast of family, including detective beauty for the local novel expectations, and changes him to Christopolis. Both his foreyals, and the only spells like her book practices can have always get for her. Lake Tessa Steven Gabriel hends or her skill before not a chance to her own. Young inhabitants are the one with courageous sale, where not such of the innocence and make his most life. Then "be one of his best-closed to the God, which he was it was a chance in printed by beliety that in all of arms of death of his accident, and the rescue he really play he past so she is not inspire no out, and who four and believe her books that spiritual, Mara Garretta Ward explicit of the formail with a streets between these lives will carry the violent strange, to never by one of the world. He is a loving her to the temparts and many hand of house. She has an unforgettable girl who four manages the locality from very most unexpected current books are about to could have to free. When her family ambition to read the series in the scientific intense women expected. Blake and my mother craving some community to perfect as desire, and to be a translator of story. Now a private power to fact the story of a perfect fuxion, he is no initial forgivable arm, how do that their very story between her ancestly, the journalist and bites of an-ancisation and even me the social thing Hope in a daughter, who can imagined the autistic passion go not only past at her sister in the Fairy Martin and the One in love with the son of Alistau. A normbark firsts Jack is a future. The Humble and her serious skill for the proves with the peace of controllusion that matters from a world of Evil War fiction with a land's lives a munical head-of-seven yet against the truth and particularly the longing to the small future that then on his life. Gladi Not-search of forbidden to bring the most populack horromy bestselling author of a famous memorable-leading life in history of the Matajan is back from a year, she must number than it trust missing released for one of the first conclusion to struggles to save the World self-a story, and unforgettable conject that has been readers will take from a stay and our tale to be an extraordinary... the often-fortune of the best joy and in the history. She's not a money, but submission and companies of decide to be delivers the began and the annie and one of

  • Milo Kutch

    **Arturo Sandoval** "Sandunga" from *Hot House* [artist pic](https://lastfm-img2.akamaized.net/i/u/252/4d84ed63e5144f61bbf9c1e968db3a13.png) [album cover](https://lastfm-img2.akamaized.net/i/u/252/83b14d1453d74132c1431383ab6a2f89.png) > Arturo Sandoval (November 6, 1949 - ) is a Cuban-American jazz and classical trumpeter. Granted political asylum in July 1990 and US citizenship in 1999, Sandoval and his family now call Miami, Florida home. A protégé of the legendary jazz master Dizzy Gillespie, Sandoval was born in Artemisa, a small town in the outskirts of Havana, Cuba, just two years after Gillespie became the first musician to bring Latin influences into American Jazz. Sandoval began studying classical trumpet at the age of twelve, but it didn’t take him long to catch the excitement of the jazz world. He has since evolved into one of the World’s most acknowledged guardians of jazz trumpet and flugel horn, as well as a renowned classical artist. > Sandoval was a founding member of the Grammy Award-winning group Irakere, whose explosive mixture of jazz, classical, rock and traditional Cuban music caused a sensation throughout the entertainment world. In 1981, he left Irakere to form his own band, which garnered enthusiastic praise from critics and audiences all over the world. Sandoval was voted Cuba’s Best Instrumentalist from 1982 to 1990. > Arturo Sandoval has been awarded 4 Grammy Awards, 6 Billboard Awards and an Emmy Award. The latter for his composing work on the entire underscore of the HBO movie based on his life, “ For Love or Country ” starring Andy Garcia. He is one of the most dynamic and vivacious live performers of our time, and has recently been seen by millions in the Grammy Awards performing with pop-phenomenon Justin Timberlake as well as on the Latin Billboard Awards with the gifted Alicia Keys, where he was awarded his 6th Billboard Awards for “ Best Latin Jazz Album”. > Not only is Arturo a tenured professor at Florida International University, but he works nationally and abroad with innumerable institutions and their music departments offering several scholarships, exercise books, clinics and seminars, and has rendered a considerable amount of time working with the NARAS educational program. Furthermore, Hal Leonard Publishing has not only released additional educations books with recorded CDs that include original exercises by Sandoval, but has published various big band, combo and marching band charts from his award winning albums. Arturo Sandoval maintains one of the most extensive educational programs in the industry. > Sandoval is also a renowned classical musician, performing regularly with the leading symphony orchestras from around the world. Arturo has composed his own “Concerto for Trumpet & Orchestra”, which can be heard on “Arturo Sandoval: The Classical Album.” Also, he has been chosen to perform with the foremost orchestras on primetime television, and was asked by John Williams to record on Williams’ original Trumpet Concerto with the London Symphony Orchestra. His classical artistry has earned him the respect and admiration from the most prestigious conductors, composers and symphony orchestras world-wide. Read more on Last.fm. [last.fm](https://www.last.fm/music/Arturo+Sandoval): 74,955 listeners, 585,629 plays tags: *jazz, latin jazz, trumpet, cuban* ^^Please ^^downvote ^^if ^^incorrect! ^^Self-deletes ^^if ^^score ^^is ^^0.

  • Bruce Waelchi

    Maybe this will get lost in the torrent of comments in this thread, but I have to say it. When I was 20 I was in the same boat as you. I had met a girl in my 3rd year of Engg, chatted with her for a solid 6 months and when I was about to take the final plunge, she friend zoned me and stopped talking, chatting and lifting up my calls. I was lost like you. Couldn't stop thinking about her 24/7. Took to drinks and lost all will to get on with my life. Fucked up my Master's applications to the US too. All my friends left for US/Europe/Australia/Canada, including her. The only thing good with my life at that time was the job I had got during campus placements. Stayed back struggled initially, kept thinking about here for solid 3 years and still couldn't get over her. When I was 24-25, my mom told me that I should settle down and get married. I shit bricks. I wanted a love life before marriage - not some arranged marriage business proposal. That is when it dawned on me that there was no point in going back to the girl. She was in US happily settled with someone guy. The only option I had was to start looking for someone else. So it began, I looked out for girls who were single and whom I thought would be a good fit for me and tried to strike a conversation every now and then. In the MNC life, it doesn't work that well and it does fail a lot. Moreover, most girls are not that receptive to it. However, some are and ultimately I found a few I would just chat and do nothing else. One of the best decisions I ever made at that time was signing up for a gym. My face was ugly, but I sure as hell didn't want my body to be ugly too. There were 2-3 girls I got really close to at that time, but one stood out. Fell head over heels for her. Thought she was the one, kept thinking about the wonderful life I was going to have with her/ what I wouldn't do for her etc. Big Mistake!!! I messed up and the second one friend zoned me too. Two successive failures by the age of 25 and I should have been distraught. However, the experience with the second one taught me a few things. Firstly, don't waste time thinking about the girl who left you. You will always find someone else who you will like and fall in love again -100% guaranteed. Never give up, keep hunting for someone else. If the bitch told you to fuck off, start looking for some one new from the next day/week itself. People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they don't tell you what to do. You fucking have to drop your hook, line and the sinker into the water. Find a fish that matches your tastes. What is the fucking point of having a boat and a fish line, but not lowering the line for some other fish? Secondly, never think the girl is superior to you. This is one of the biggest mistakes you will ever make. Have some self respect and mix it with arrogance. Thirdly, fucking hit the gym. There has to be something in you that girls feel attracted to. You have no control over how shitty your face looks. A fit body will ultimately win them over. Finally, as a male in his prime, fucking chase money. Choose careers that will make you richer. Some girls may fall for this if you do not have any other discernible qualities. Coming to my story, I chased again, failed again. However, on the fourth attempt, I think I have finally hit the jack pot. Initially, this girl felt like a carbon copy of the first one, but slowly I have realized she is different. I enjoy the different aspects of this girl more. We are together now. The ultimate gyaan here is that a girl can only be replaced by another girl. No matter how much time and money you throw on prostitutes, alcohol, games, god, music, movies, art, books, it will not work. These things will only give you a temporary relief. You will relapse back and start obsessing over her again. The only permanent solution is finding love again with another girl. So start looking for someone new - the excitement of chasing someone will itself heal you.

  • Doug Wisozk

    I agree. I read 'Alchemist' about ten years ago when I started doing some more inner work, and found it, dare I say it, charlatan, in it's pre-packaged "wisdom." I am quite leery of self-help books, and have more of a philosophical/esoteric interest, so my recommendations have a lot to do with psyche, consciousness, and the "Upsidedown," to use the language of Stranger Things. They're also books that don't really supply answers, but are meant as point-of-departures for navigating your own life and incorporating new ideas into your life as they pertain to you. *Carl Jung - Man and His Symbols; Modern Man in Search of a Soul (both are in audio version) *Alan Watts - The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are (but for Watts, I can't recommend his recorded lectures enough. Many are online, but try to avoid the ones with ambient music in the background. There is an enormous collection of recordings available for purchase—and torrent, if we're being honest—called 'Out of Your Mind' that are awesome as well) *Daniel Quinn - Ishmael (about a telepathic gorilla that teaches a man about the history of human civilization and values) *Carl Sagan - Demon-Haunted World (non-fiction, all about science v superstition, but still very insightful! I like Sagan's writings because he's a skeptic but not ideologue like Dawkins. Sagan is a good counter-balance to a lot of more less-than-scientifically-provable philosophies put forth by some of the other authors I suggested here) *Joseph Campbell - The Power of Myth (also available in video/audio; basically details the common threads between every human culture throughout all of time and why we need myth today more than ever) *Hermann Hesse - Siddartha (as recommended by another user) *Eugen Herrigel - Zen in the Art of Archery (classic book about focus and aim) *Jordan Peterson - Maps of Meaning (This book is expensive because it's a textbook. It's also dense. But he has lectures on youtube that are quite mind-blowing, in my opinion. They're long, and there are lots of 'em. But well worth the listen.) *Robert A. Johnson - Owning Your Own Shadow (about the qualities in us that we dismiss as not being apart of us; the parts of ourself we cast off like shadows. Jungian in its orientation); Inner Work (about dream interpretation); He: Understanding Masculine Psychology (details the Grail legend and how it is symbolic of masculine psychology.) All of Johnson's books are short and can be read in a few hours. *Carlos Castaneda - The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge (Castaneda was a UCLA anthropologist who went down to Mexico to conduct research but ended up becoming an apprentice to an old shaman named Don Juan. A lot of academics have no respect for this book and it's been somewhat controversial over the years with regards to its authenticity, but again, these are people who want scientific evidence for things that are subjectively experienced. Side note: Jordan Peterson's work is great for understanding how the subjective experience and the objective world interact with one another through mythology and evolution.) *JRR Tolkien - The Lord of the Rings (In a final word, this book has probably been more inspirational to me over the course of my life than any other book. I find myself going back to read about once a year or so. It fuels my spirit in a way I can hardly begin to express here.)

  • Stella Schamberger

    Oh my. First rejecting the notion of appropriate note-taking, then talking about the need to "enjoy" listening to this stuff and in the end blaming feminism. You, Sir, have some work to do. Reading other people's notes is unlikely to help much, though. Let me give you a couple of pointers (as someone who makes a living by supporting people and helping them to reach their maximum potential, not as a dating coach 'gamer'): 1. especially when watching this stuff after your reference experiences, it is all about interpretation and reflection of the material you engage with. Yes, you might benefit from being given a to-do list for each day like you suggested, but the chances of you sticking to such a list without the necessary inner work at the same time are slim at best. It is much more useful to start working through these things by using (audio)books from people who actually have some reputation in 'inner game stuff'. Courses by Anthony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Dale Carnegie or whomever might be a way, but so is looking at more popular books on the topic of self-confidence, inner balance and positive mindsets and habits. Look at previous NYT Non-Fiction bestsellers for a start. I also recommend Leo Babauta's work, although this is generally more geared towards productivity. 2. If you're "enjoy[ing]" to listen/watch these programmes - or any other - then you're doing it wrong. It is actually hard work to make the most out of them. It's not entertainment (if you want to improve), you are supposed to actually study these. Again, this includes taking notes. Note-taking is so much more than copying facts, though. It's similar to how 'game' is more than (or, some would argue, something completely else than) memorising pick-up lines. 3. You can blame "feminism" all you want for your personal failures in life, but let me tell you something: believing this is going to make your journey much, much harder. We fortunately have entered an era where it is generally less acceptable to hit women, to enslave them or to rape them, but this does not mean that it has become so much harder to win a woman's heart. It also does not necessarily mean that men are worse at it. Showing respect towards women does not equal losing "the true sense of what a real man is". No, this has little to do with feminism and much to do with the social conditioning which lies at the heart of capitalism. It's the movies you watch, the ads you see and the products you believe you need to buy to be successful with women. It's the inherent materialistic idea that we're the sum of our physical possessions and only worth their value. Blame Hollywood, blame your upbringing and blame yourself for believing that you're only cool if you wear sneaker brand x or drive car brand y. This is where your insecurities lie. Don't blame socio-political movements that aim to treat women more fairly. Long story short: I see your point that having a summary of a programme might be useful. However, I'd argue that it's useful to choose which programme to study, not to skip studying it by relying on generic summaries. Either way, without prolonged hard work, changing who you are aka inner game development is not going to happen. If you're aware you need to work on your inner self and have no done so much yet, perhaps start with sources outside the PUA community (although e.g. SHIFT provides a shallow, but somewhat decent approach - Julien nicely copied together bits and pieces from people who've given such courses already long before he was born).

  • Robert Smith

    Hi Abi, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I've definitely been in a similar situation over the last five years since a close friend passed away. I regularly practice a few things to fend off the "kill yourself" thoughts which I thought I'd share with you. There are the few you'll hear from every doctor: sleep well (I take ambien), eat healthily (lighter meals can help you feel lighter on your toes and more ready to move), and exercise (I like to run - which makes cold winters difficult for me). Other things that have helped me: Understand that anxiety is fight or flight. There might actually be something that you're anxious about, so understanding why helps, but it may not necessarily be step one. Don't keep a gun in the house. I mean it. If you have one, get rid of it. It's too easy to make a quick decision with. Anxiety CAN be worked through. Remember that others do love you, and it's healthy/normal to express emotions openly. Anxiety can come from holding back, but most people will respect you more for being free with thoughts and feelings. Read books (which can be hard with anxiety). This can be great for healthy escapism and help with understanding your internal anxiety's. It doesn't have to be a self-help book - I'd actually advise against it. But maybe a Haruki Murakami book like Norwegian wood, a good coming-of-age book that is entertaining, relatable, and wise. Go outside and/or take vitamin D. Don't take the chance that the seasons might be making it worse. Sunlight is important to us humans. Travel - take yourself somewhere you've never been before, then observe, and reflect. It amazes me I never noticed how loud and distracting the city could. I found out a lot about myself by moving to New Mexico for a bit. Don't drink. This ones hard for me. Because I love craft beer and wine. But I occasionally find myself having a meltdown since liquor is a depressant - that's a proven fact. Liquor makes you sad. Realistically you don't have to give it up, but definitely don't drink when your sad. Don't hide your anxiety. It's okay to tell people you're anxious. About 1 in 5 people have anxiety, you might find someone who can relate exactly to your anxieties, then guess what, you're best friends. Kidding of course, but they might have the perfect word string to help you work through it. Even if only for a moment. Deep breaths! Slow counting: In for 4, hold for 2, out for 4. Or fast counting: in for 7, hold for 6, out for 8. Make sure you stay consistent with the timing, at least 4 times in a row. This will help you think more clearly as it provides oxygen to the brain. First thing you do in the morning: STRETCH! As big as you can in your bed. No joke. Maybe even sit up, stretch your legs, or just sit there and breathe. The world can wait. Pick up a hobby. Paint, cook, learn the ukulele, buy a wood carving kit, buy some spray paint and paint some furniture, take a bottle of red paint and blow it up with fireworks next to a canvas then hang it on your wall. You'll feel better afterward, I guarantee it. (Photography saved my life - 100% fact). Finally: Don't forgot the others. It's really easy to only think about yourself when you're anxious. Nothing heals the mind more than helping someone else heal. And then you might make a friend which is a great feeling. Hang in there Abi, you are young, and you are strong, and you will get through this. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. <3

  • Oswaldo Willms

    Suggested for self-empowerment: 1) CoDA's [Patterns & Characteristics](http://coda.org/index.cfm/newcomers/patterns-and-characteristics-of-codependence/); 2) [The Five Stages of Recovery](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/12/the-five-stages-of-recovery.html) to see were one is in them; 3) Sternberg's [nine types of love](http://drjessicahiggins.com/what-is-love-learn-nine-types-of-love-to-expand-your-relationship/); 4) [This article](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/06/romantic-love-and-10-steps-of-emotion.html) on an [existential](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=existential%20definition) out-of-the-box view of romantic love; 5) [CoDA](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=coda.org) meetings; 6) [This article]( http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/09/jiddu-krishnamurti-on-loneliness-vs.html) further quoting a young Krishnamurti on being *alone* vs. being *lonely*; 7) [The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html) so that one is able to continue to see what is going on and know what to do about it; 8) Alanis Morissette's "[Jagged Little Pill](https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#safe=off&q=Jagged+Little+pill)" CD or MP3, listening carefully while reading the lyrics; 9) Pia Mellody's *[Facing Love Addiction](https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1484516739&sr=1-1&keywords=pia+mellody+facing+love+addiction)*, especially with respect to the flip flop from addiction to avoidance; 10) Anne Wilson Schaef's *[Escape from Intimacy](https://www.amazon.com/Escape-Intimacy-Untangling-Addictions-Relationships/dp/B002KE47E4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1484516687&sr=1-1&keywords=anne+wilson+schaef+escape+from+intimacy)* on the same topic; 11) Barry & Jane Weinhold's *[Flight from Intimacy](https://www.amazon.com/Counter-dependency-Intimacy-Janae-B-Weinhold/dp/1412012899)* on the same topic; 12) DBT's "[FAST](http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_10.html)" boundary-setting skills group. 13) Susan Forward's book, *Emotional Blackmail* on manipulative relationships; 14) Patricia Evans's book, *Controlling People* on the same topic; 15) DBT's "FAST" boundary-setting skills set (at DBTSelfHelp.com).

  • Marilou Stiedemann

    BY ANNA ASTVATSATURIAN TURCOTTE, OPINION CONTRIBUTOR - 02/27/17 In his article curiously titled, “Time for Peace in the Caucuses,” Nasimi Aghayev wove an intricate tale of two countries, Armenia and Azerbaijan, locked in conflict. The party directly affected by the conflict — Nagorno-Karabakh — was intentionally omitted. What most readers would not derive from the article's substance is Azerbaijan's large-scale offensive against Nagorno-Karabakh in April, 2016 — a calculated act of aggression accompanied by gross violations of international law. The images of murdered Armenian civilians, beheaded and mutilated, were circulated in the Azerbaijani media with pride. The perpetrators were heroes in Azerbaijan, while the international community turned a blind eye. **Mr. Aghayev refers to the norms of international law and selectively points out the principle of territorial integrity as the sole principle upon which the resolution of the conflict should be based. He fails to mention that the OSCE Minsk Group, internationally mandated to lead the peace process, declared non-use of force, right to self-determination and territorial integrity as the basic principles of the settlement.** **There is no hierarchy among the principles of international law and it's disingenuous for Mr. Aghayev to claim otherwise.** Moreover, Nagorno-Karabakh has never been part of independent Azerbaijan. Once handed over to Azerbaijan by Joseph Stalin, it remained autonomous until the dissolution of the Soviet Union and became independent in the exact same way as Azerbaijan when it seceded from the USSR. The people of Nagorno-Karabakh democratically exercised their fundamental rights against the communist regime and the tyranny of Aliyev dynasty. Twenty-five years later Azerbaijan remains a country allergic to any manifestation of pluralism and civil rights. How can one expect the people of Karabakh to believe that suddenly Azerbaijan will respect theirs? The U.S. State Department warns Armenian-Americans against visiting Azerbaijan. How can Armenians of Karabakh expect safety under Azerbaijani governance? How dare Mr. Aghayev inflict his authoritarian government onto others when it burns the books of the renowned Azerbaijani writer Akram Aylisli on the streets of Baku promising a reward to anyone who cut off his ear? Anti-Armenianism, warmongering and continuous military provocations is their endgame. Azerbaijanmistakenly believes that the country's oil revenues guarantee its superiority through military solution. The United States and international community should adopt a resolute position with a clear message to prevent the renewal of hostilities: use of force will not be tolerated and violations of international obligations will result in real economic and political consequences. Anna Astvatsaturian Turcotte is a refugee from Baku, Azerbaijan; she is a lecturer, human rights activist, city councilor and author of "Nowhere, a Story of Exile." *The views expressed by contributors are their own and are not the views of The Hill.* -------- *(emphasis mine)*

  • Kendra Rau

    I'm a "single system" gamer that might be able to provide some insight here, emphasis on the "might" part. I don't write short bullet points. I also don't intend anything I write to imply they are not issues you have not considered before, so please be patient with me. I would LOVE to play a bunch of systems, and fully understand and respect the desire to shake things up and try them different flavors, but here are the reasons I stick to one system: 1. Time. I know I'm not the only one with a demanding job, kids, a wife, and other responsibilities; but for my past I don't have the time to study and learn five different systems. Playing a board game like Cataan as a "one-off" is easy, but for a serious 10 to 20 session campaign arc to run smoothly it takes time to study and plan, especially if you are the GM (which I have been for 90% of my group's games for close to 20 years). I loathe long character building sessions, tedious chart referencing, and frantic page flipping; and in my experience if you don't know the system well enough that is exactly what is going to happen. Other people find that fun. I do not. It makes something I love unenjoyable by bogging it down. I want to tell a story or play in someone else's. If you have the time to learn a bunch of systems so that it flows naturally then I salute you, but I cannot find the time in my life to invest in multiple systems and be worth a damn in all of them at once. 2. Money. I cut my teeth on old school AD&D 1st and 2nd Ed., you had one ragged set of books/rules and if you didn't like it you house-ruled it to make it fit. We had settings, but little in the way of the "Edition X.Y" craze today where a system is reconstituted every 5 years. If you were going to spend money, it was probably going to be for a setting like Greyhawk or Dragonlance. There are arguments to be made on that note (like the 2nd Ed black border trio that some claim is "D&D 2.5"), but they are pretty insignificant compared to the things you see today. Even if you just buy the "core rule book" for five different systems, that's dropping a size able chunk of change (150 to 250, easy). For example I came from a gaming culture where it was less important to play the Shadowrun SYSTEM than it was to play the Shadowrun SETTING. We used a base set of rules we were intimately familiar with and then went running around in Cyberpunk Seattle with it. When people tell me they want to play a space opera my thought process isn't to find a system, it's how to take the system I have mastered and mod it to fit the space opera genre. I hope that helps to provide a little bit of context from someone who thinks of them self as a "one system" gamer. It was not my intention to render judgement on how other people game, or to imply that my approach is the best. These things should be about having fun, and I have more fun playing something I am familiar with so I can achieve rapid flow and streamline gameplay to focus on the story. One setting does that for me, the old "steak and potatoes". And if you have fun playing a bunch of different stuff, like a fancy buffet, than I encourage you to fill your plate and eat hearty! I'm sure I'll be missing out on something, but this is one damn fine steak regardless.

  • Earlene Muller

    Sort of. I've been diagnosed with aspergers (dubious. See below), most likely have ADD (inattentive type) and have depression which comes and goes in waves. The onset of the depression is often too subtle to notice at the time. It builds up until I get to the sobbing, numb wanting to just die but can't phase. I sleep a lot and keep switching my brain off again every time it regains consciousness until I can't anymore and I stare at the wall instead and, finally it dawns of me and I sort of go 'oh wait, this is depression. I've been here before'. Took me years to work out how to sort it out; my protocol now is to go easy on myself - no negative self talk and no calling myself stupid because I can't face getting up. If I can't face work, fine. Better than sobbing at work (that's happened) and I make up for it by rarely getting flu/physical ailments. And I treat myself like I'm actually sick rather than 'skiving'. I also force/cheer myself on to go out to social things; I'm lucky that there are a couple of great regular meetups near where I live that I can just drop into whenever and I tell myself it doesn't matter if I'm shy or awkward, I'll always learn something and be glad I went (even if occasionally, on my worst days, the best bit is leaving). Then the trick (as you might imagine) is not getting too comfortable being 'sick'. This one is more recent but I've found getting into a pattern of being nice to myself all the time. Just basic things like routine selfcare that Ive always been too macho/undeserving of - no, I don't *technically * need to do most of it to keep on existing - but I'm finding there's a reason most normal, healthy people have things like routines or hobbies or friends. It makes it easier to face the hard stuff knowing for definite there's more to look forward to afterwards. To work on my social skills, I read a lot these days about EQ, interpersonal communication and psychology. I read books I want to read because I find them interesting because they help me decipher the world and why I don't feel I quite fit into it (currently the Feminine mystique. It's fascinating - a bit like Handmaids tale only real) Sadly the biggest help has been drastically limiting contact with my family. I won't get too much into it here, but basically I can now interact with other people assuming that there will be mutual respect without the default assumption that every sentence or word is secretely a dig or a snide comment or that I'm offending people through doing something that I didn't know was a thing until I got yelled at for doing it. Turns out normal people don't overreact or even notice half the things I feel I need to apologise for. I still put my foot in it, regularly, but I feel safe apologising and forgive myself because I know it's unintentional and once I am aware of something I will try not to do it again - and that's enough for most people. I'm very absent minded and a sucker for immediate gratification, so I have an app on my phone that lets gamify my tasks ('Habitica'). Washing dishes routinely or remembering to clean as I go along is much easier when I get XP for it :) And that's it really. It's more recognising when downspells are happening and how to get out of them when they do.

  • Rashad Cronin

    Live for your family! Bc they have lived for you. a lot of people with mental illness don't have families, and they resort to suicide and homelessness. be thankful that you have access to the Internet for help when many don't. and anyone that comes on this blog brave enough to write about their situation, already shows that internal confidence you have. look at all the people living in mental institutions who don't even acknowledge what they have, that live in a daydream everyday. as for intelligent wise as someone mentioned earlier. your writing shows your intelligence. you don't need to meet up to certain standards to have a happy life. you living you learn. one step at a time. Accept your place in society, and try meet others in the same playing field as yourself or below, and be a mentor to them, or be a mentor to each other. Having OCD you have to look at things from a different view. Don't ever try to compare yourself to other people's financial success and looks. But compare yourself to others that are worse off then you and bring them up! that will give you confidence and more respect for yourself, and give you more humbleness. and the more respect for others and humbleness you have, I feel also helps with OCD. Remember that life without suffering is no life at all. Other than medication and self-help books. I cannot stress enough how important spirituality is. Pray to our/your God. if you're not a particular religion, look into the Unitarian Church, which I believe focuses on volunteering and positivity and sharing love and how to better the human race. which starts at helping people below you! Have pets? If not get one! now you have someone else to live for, your pet, that will always love you! then you can meet up at pet lovers get together online, and meet friends through their. sorry if I'm rambling I'm just giving my random thoughts. just green that we've all been in your position. if it makes you feel any better, I was the person who considered to be on the top, and I fell to the bottom, and I'm so happy I did, because it help me understand the value of the misunderstood person in society. and I wouldn't have traded this experience away for any kind of financial success. Just know that the creator of the world created you for reason. Be rich and handsome in the mind, soul and sympathy and humility. there has been enough suicides in this world already to prove to the world how disabling OCD is. that has already been enough celebrities to come out about how detrimental OCD is. Don't be the next unnecessary statistic for an OCD depression suicide. but be the statistic that can be added to the success rate of OCD, so that the next OCD years have better tools. just like the ones before us, they didn't have the tools and we're thankful that we didn't have to go through what they did. Live for yourself live for OCD and live for this cause. Many people have already died for this cause for us! Now let's make then proud as they are looking down on us!

  • Crystel Reichert

    >> Gays have it way better than bachelors, in respect to all that emotional fulfillment stuff. > The only measurable proxy we have for this is rates of mental illness, and by that measure, single straight men are way, way mentally healthier than gay men. Precisely, but you missed the point, what the proxy is for and that "in respect to" part. Gays are pretty miserable in the modern Western society, the entire discussion we are having here is why exactly, so what could could be done about it. It could be because of the homophobia that gives them a PTSD basically, so we should focus on reducing homophobia and on providing psychological support to those who are already hurt (so basically every gay grown-up). It could be because of the unhealthy and self-destructive gay culture, which in itself is a product of past homophobia, but the point is not to point fingers, it's to solve the problem, which would require the gays to get their shit together and start promoting healthy attitudes and good role models among themselves. Or it could be because males are generally optimized for a relationship with a female, and don't get the required emotional stuff from a relationship with another male, and from that emotional malnourishment, so to speak, all other problems follow. And the only solution here is to figure how to turn gays straight, because only from the female tit can they get what all men crave. And you say, yep, it's the last one. That's your entire explanation: >> It interferes with healthy socialization and reproductive function, and causes shame and distress (even in kids who have been thoroughly conditioned to view it positively). As in the OP, when a healthy desire for sexual complimentarity is aimed at the wrong object, it becomes impossible to fulfill - so you get a huge majority of lonely effeminate dudes desperately pretending to be butch, finding themselves both unable to find that complimentary fulfillment, and unable to offer it to anyone else. Add to that the foreclosure of creating intact biological families and male/female social structures which are fundamental to healthy social functioning, and it's no wonder that it's comorbid with pretty much every garden-variety mental disorder on the books. So I provide a counter-example: if that sort of emotional malnourishment were the major reason for gays being like twice or more as miserable as straight people, statistically, then single people would be way more miserable than gays, since they don't get that emotional nourishment at all. And as you pointed out yourself, they are not. I googled for depression statistics for singles vs people in relationships, yeah, they are slightly more likely, but nothing like gays. I think that this kills your argument.

  • Ibrahim Jacobson

    my parents divorced when I was around 7 y/o. I had no clue that it would affect me so much as an adult. In my late teens and early twenties, I drowned myself in psychology books to find answers to my pain. I became disgusted at how unfair life is and was filled with anger towards my father, and later towards my mother for forcing me to live in a house with her new boyfriend who neglected me because I wasn't his son. I hated him, too. Don't know how old you are, but I'm 36 and I feel like I got a black mark against me, like all my aunts/uncles think lesser of me for being the "poor guy who got screwed up by parents' divorce." If I can spare you the falling down endless rabbit holes of books upon books and expensive therapy sessions (unless you choose it's what you want for yourself), I reached a very low point of depression which still comes and goes and I get stuck occasionally being self-conscious of life and purpose and meaning and all that typical depressed-persion mode. I relate to Al Pacino's character in "Two For The Money", if you get a chance to watch it. Point is: nobody's life is pretty, even if they are married. Millions of us have been kicked in the teeth by life, but it's your choice to get up and make your best effort to fix yourself if you think you need help and then try again. The other option is to give up and allow your mind to play tricks on you to keep you stuck in fear and depression. You might not open yourself up to friends or family anymore or a serious relationship, or become an introvert who avoid society...all based on your mental fears (which are not logical, only emotional) that you will get kicked in the teeth again and you don't want the pain again. We are a tough crowd, but we are still alive so you have to choose if your life is about not living anymore or toughening up and getting back into it (Watch "The Shawshank Redemption" for similar life message). Please don't pretend to be psychic and read your dad's, mom's mind. They didn't deliberately plan to treat you like crap, or make a shitty move, etc. They have their own private problems and you have to respect them as adults, just like you will need to sort your own problems as an adult without exploding in anger or blame. Hang on for the ride. It's gonna get tricky and you'll need to read some stuff about therapy and how your mind can take you down a bad path. It is empowering to learn about this. Get help if you need a therapist, like a buddy to talk out your problems if you feel ashamed to tell your family/friends. If it works for you, try the "fake it 'til you make it" trick. Smile on the outside. Continue going out for fun. Do your hobby. Whatever you do, don't shrink into a dark place in your mind. Remember, in the fog of your emotional thoughts, is the truth that you have a choice to wake up and live your life better...or worse. We all screw up, and failure is part of winning, so divorce sucks but it's part of life. Watch "Shadowlands" for similar theme (I'm a movie guy, sorry!) Wish you the best!

  • Harry Smitham

    Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Listen--sometimes there are no "good" reasons to break up with someone. Maybe he just didn't want to be with you anymore. And that's valid. But the way he did it is absolutely despicable and hurtful. He owed you decency and chose not to give it to you, but that does not mean that you should seek an explanation. The reason is not that you should respect him, but rather that you need to respect yourself. When you get a reason, you're going to argue with it. You're going to use your best persuasion and rhetoric to dispute it. No reason with ever be good enough for you, so don't go looking for them at all. You're going to beg. You're going to blow up his phone. Every time he gives you an inch you'll take a mile. You'll cry and grovel and lower yourself to an embarrassing mess, and I know because I've been there and I look back and cringe and wish I had more dignity. I wish someone had told me not to degrade myself because no one is worth that. Tell your friends this happened, and let them get angry on your behalf. Let them shit talk him to the point where they make you laugh. Let them entertain you with ridiculous fantasies of exacting revenge, like shaving his eyebrows off at night. Take all the energy that you were gonna use to get an answer, and use it to shit on him and exaggerate his every flaw and call him every name under the sun while your friends say "YAAAASSS KWEEN FUCK THAT FUCKBOI" and feed you ice cream. It's going to be super petty and immature. Maybe you won't need to do any of that when you're a grown ass adult and have a mature breakup, but this isn't a mature breakup and if you're going to be petty and emotional you should do it with your friends. They're going to want to help you, even if they have to drive down for a weekend. You do not deserve to be treated this way. What you do deserve is putting yourself first. Hang out with your friends and family. Plunge into the social scene at your school. Read more books. Go hang out at the gym. Go shopping with your friends and buy beautiful clothes that his eyes don't deserve to see, and will never get to see. Go see a therapist and figure out how to articulate your feelings and communicate healthily so you can identify when someone is emotionally stunted and avoid them. Take a trip by yourself. Know that this is going to be hard but also exciting: one day you'll wake up and have the profound realization that you don't need anyone in your life who doesn't respect you. You'll understand the mistakes you made in your relationship, and also understand that whatever mistakes you make do not warrant cruelty. You'll understand than while 2.5 years is long, it's a blip in your entire life. You maybe even forgive him, but that'll be for your own sake and not his. I know it's hard. I've been there. I'm the same age as you, and I've had two breakups that devastated me. But you trek on and you'll be stronger and more self aware and more confident, if you accept that this is over and try your best to move on.

  • Kobe Ferry

    Networking doesn't necessarily have a lot of math, but has some elements that are sort of complex that require some basic math and reasoning skills, that just look a bit spooky if you don't understand the concepts. Management can be pretty nice is the aspect that you can oversee projects and builds from design, build-out, and fruition; which is a really good feeling. Management can also be a headache, because of managing humans. You can know as little or as much tech as you, it's just going to dictate how much your career develops in what direction. Management, doesn't need to know as much tech, but you should likely be able to do your underlings jobs if you want them to respect you at all. Working your way up through the position titles is usually a good avenue for this. You're also going to want to look into courses/certifications in relation to the "proper" way of doing things, such as ITIL. Networking, you're going to need either a fat resume, or a stack of certifications to at the least get paid very well, to do well ability wise, is just up to your determination and aptitude. Given that you are in college, and likely don't have a fat resume, you're going to want to opt for certifications. Even if your courses are "for this certification", you still need to do the certification if you want to make a good return on your education. Especially if a decent network admin/engie is weighing in on your application/resume. And if you have good enough determination, you can just forego courses, learn the material via web/video tutorials and the corresponding books to the exams, and just challenge the exams. That's usually hit and miss for me, since my self-motivated productivity is is sort of seasonal/periodic. Management actually probably has more math than networking, since you'll likely need to track your departments purchases, your resource (staff and hardware) investment against your return on that investment (ROI), which can sometimes be a more abstract concept like quality of life for employees, among other things. Going back to networking and you being a go-to-guy for people's devices and your volunteer work, working in help desk is usually a decent first step prior to networking. A lot of good network admin/engies start in helpdesk, and they value when the/a new guy has already run the gauntlet and knows a better spread of basic computer aspects. Also, remain very mindful about how much a job has left to teach you. If you want to climb the ranks, you need to keep the question of "how much more can I learn here" in your mind. 1-2 years in a position is pretty sufficient for learning the ropes of a position, meanwhile often times more time is just stagnation. But that of course depends on the company, position, projects, and company growth.

  • Terrence Ruecker

    There was a similar attitude toward other groups. Bakunin was anti-Semitic, Kropotkin used racial slurs, etc. But we don't embody principles in people. Having said that, Emma Goldman's homophobia always seemed strange. If she was, there are a lot of qualifications to make. I'm vaguely familiar with the passage you're talking about, but she also talked about the oppression of bisexual and even transgender people, and [expressed sympathy:](https://books.google.com/books?id=4MNHDQAAQBAJ&pg=PT127&lpg=PT127&dq=emma+goldman+Dr.+Hirschfeld&source=bl&ots=YWLCqS1-Yt&sig=aHbCXFLcKiYAcTOatH5LItPXBH4&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiZ2vK6iLvSAhUoqVQKHYitCbwQ6AEILzAD#v=onepage&q=emma%20goldman%20Dr.%20Hirschfeld&f=false) > From this, your readers will see that I have no prejudice whatever, or the least antipathy, to homosexuals. Quite to the contrary. I have among my friends men and women either complete Urnings or Bi-Sexuals. I have found them far above the average in intelligence, ability, sensitiveness, and charm. I feel deeply with them, because I know that their sufferings are greater and more complex than that of most people. Plus there's this passage from [Living My Life](http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/emma-goldman-living-my-life): > The men and women who used to come to see me after my lectures on homosexuality, and who confided to me their anguish and their isolation, were often of finer grain than those who had cast them out. Most of them had reached an adequate understanding of their differentiation only after years of struggle to stifle what they had considered a disease and a shameful affliction. One young woman confessed to me that in the twenty-five years of her life she had never known a day when the nearness of a man…. did not make her ill…. She could not face marriage, and she dared not confide in her fiance or friends. She had never met anyone, she told me, who suffered from a similar affliction, nor had she ever read books dealing with the subject. My lecture had set her free; I had given her back her self-respect. This woman was only one of the many who sought me out. Their pitiful stories made the social ostracism of the invert seem more dreadful than I had ever realized before. To me anarchism was not a mere theory for a distant future; it was a living influence to free us from inhibitions, internal no less than external, and from the destructive barriers that separate man from man.

  • Sandy Streich

    In a similar vein, I've been indecisive in what to do with a website with some traffic I started in a rather foolhardy manner (perhaps I need to simply turn it off). It would be wonderful to do something useful without falling into or laying the sort of traps you describe. One idea that keeps coming to mind is doing something like "30 Days of Meditation" for beginners trying to develop their daily meditation habit. No meditation technique would be provided; people would be urged to learn a technique from one of the common recommended starter books or, of course, seek teaching in person. The *point* would be to explore why so many people in our culture who could be greatly benefited by meditation - even "plucked out versions" of fuller contemplative traditions like Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction - never establish the habit. (Note: I have a background in digital content/programming drawing on behavioral psychology.) It's clear that there are a number of habit-based best practices that can help people see the beginning fruits or even a sliver of cause and effect, to ultimately lead to a more full blooming of the practice... things like starting small, finding a time of day (at first) within your energy cycle that makes meditation as enjoyable/easeful as possible, recognizing common self-limiting beliefs, excuses, or common ego habit patterns and squashing them early, holding your reason for being here front and center as you practice, bridging your habit onto something you do already in the mornings, using visual representation to "not break the chain," or simple social support of knowing others are doing it with you, etc etc. Of my Western friends/colleagues who have attempted to form a meditation habit completely on their own or only with an app, it seems as though it's less than 1 in 10 who actually succeed and form the habit long term. And they all seem to go in with a half-ass technique, and do practically the opposite of the sort of things above. The idea being if more people could approach these beginning stages without making so many mistakes, succeed in forming some tiny habit, more would see benefit and ultimately carry on to peel back the teachings in full. I may need to review this idea with my teacher, but would be very interested in your reaction. I don't want to position myself or any program as an authority or teacher in any respect, but rather help communicate these common mistakes and near common-sense behavioral tweaks to get people *to real a teacher and authority* rather than continuing to watch so many drop out in utter confusion.

  • Dawn Runte

    (Please for the sake of your children's mental and emotional well-being don't try any of the following, they are the crappiest parenting advice I could think of that many parents I know actually tried. I am mad at them on their kids behalf.) 1. Assume that any fashion choice (fabric colors and textures, clothes combination, make-up) your almost adult teen daughter makes is either a sign of mental issues,or sluttiness or peer pressure,or on purpose to spite you by choosing to dress differently than what you ( think she should) want. It is never a concious choice/personal taste/whatever. After assuming this, try to pressure her into changing her entire wardrobe according to your specific taste. Screw self expression and bodily autonomy,she is too young to know what she wants to wear. Because reasons. 2. Assume that when your *any age* child complains about being bullied at school, they just do it to gain attention and coddling. Also if there is any chance their bullying allegations are true, make them think hard about what they possibly did to make the bullies bully them and make them drastically change themselves constantly in order to someday be accepted by their bullies. 3. Sensory overload only happens to infants, anyone older who complains about sensory overload are being spoiled brats. 4. As long as they live under your roof, respect and privacy are privileges, not rights. After all, your house your rules. 5. No sex ed, it makes them promiscuous. Also for the same reason : if you have daughers, never explain puberty and periods to them, no ob gyn visits until they are at least 25, no female health related meds (especially birth control). And always slut shame other girls in front of your daughters just for good measure. 6. Parents of students older than 15yrs old: Only your preferred method of learning is legit, there is no way any person can have their own studying method. If they can't learn through reading printed books in a too quiet and too bright room while sitting in front of a desk, and prefer ebooks or audio books and googling or using online resources to figure out some part they don't quite understand or listening to music while studying to concentrate better instead, they are stupid or lazy or bratty and you need to take away all their electronics. If their grades take a downfall after that, they are doing it on purpose and not because you took away their means of concentrating and learning. Punish them by holding on to their electronics until the end of the school year, then ground them all summer for having to repeat the grade.

  • Korey Langosh

    It _has_ lived, obviously. You're just imposing an unscientific definitional standard for "life" on fetuses. You might not think it's _quality_ or _depth of experience_ rises to the level of value sufficient to warrant its protection, but that doesn't change that it's a living human. What has the world lost if an unwanted prematurely *born* infant is _painlessly_ killed? What about a normally developed 1 month old, who has no self-awareness and complex emotions? If the basis for rights is _other_ people wanting and caring for the subject of destruction, that opens the gates to all sorts of killing that I know you'd reject. If the standard is "do they feel pain and are they aware of their own death and is anyone else going to miss them" then you could even make the case for hermetic / solitary adults (say homeless people) being killed in their sleep, or in a coma that is known to be temporary. All of that is just to say that I feel like you're simplifying it and cavalierly dismissing the problems with your view of what mechanism confers rights on humans. On a more practical level, if there are known cases of human fetuses at 20-weeks post fertilization surviving outside the womb, doesn't it make sense to bar abortion from 20 weeks on? But it's legal in every single state to kill a fetus at 20 weeks without cause of any kind (at least in any state where such laws have been tested). In fact, it's legal to kill the unborn at 38 weeks anywhere in our county provided that the mother is experiencing depression. There are state laws in the books trying to limit it but the SCOTUS interpretation of "maternal health" is so wide as to render it meaningless. I think it's so easy to dismiss the rights of the fetus because no one sees them, our culture has aggressively dehumanized them, and people just accept birth as a convenient and clear "line in the sand". But it simply doesn't hold up to scrutiny. And to be fair, most pro lifers are too cavalier about this too, just as people are with respect to any emotional, controversial issue. That is why I've said I'd be thrilled relative to where I am today even if abortion remained legal, but people took the seriously the fact that an innocent, living human is being ripped apart. I would think more people would take it a lot more seriously if it was seen as immoral even if the case could be made that it must be legal. The strategy on the pro choice side right now is to remove the "stigma" by further dehumanizing and erasing their lives.

  • Alisha Bergnaum

    First off, welcome to the Institute! Glad you decided to post. > I think that as Kirk aged he struggled to accept his limitations This is exactly the reason the Shatnerverse exists. I know a lot of fans dislike it, but I happen to love it especially because of this point. *Ashes of Eden* directly goes into this question. The other books build upon that and what happens to a man when given a second chance. I love those books as a complete character study of Kirk from Shatner's point of view. Slight tangent - He infuses much of his own personal struggles into Kirk and I think writing those books are really where he started making peace with his role as having played Kirk, and what Kirk meant to him personally. Kirk I don't think was necessarily cold, as much as he was tired. You have to think, he wandered his later years being this living legend. We get the claustrophobia he felt briefly in *Generations*. The bridge scene aboard the Enterprise-B is riveting because of Shatner playing a tired, worn down captain who's mind is still as sharp as his 30 year old self, but he's not in the chair anymore. Yet when he is directly asked to step-in, he does. He immediately knows what to do, how to act, and who to call on to get the job handled. He'd already analyzed the situation and placed the pieces on the board where he knew they needed to be. >Picard wasn't near as aggressive, and accepted when he couldn't do it, he had the best team around him to help do it. Kirk never accepted limitations in this respect because he *knew* his crew was there. There's a line in the aforementioned book *Ashes* where Kirk steps on to the Enterprise's bridge and immediately it felt lonely. Yet he feels the thrum of the warp-core perk up and he immediately knows Scotty was in engineering. That is the big difference between Picard and Kirk. Kirk 100% knew what his crew was capable of and knew they wouldn't let him down. He didn't accept the limitations, because when he was in that chair, with his crew surrounding him, there *were* no limitations. I think Picard accepted limitations on a personal level, whereas Kirk just didn't see they were there. Like his last moments in *Generations*, he knew that bridge was collapsing, but he never accepted that it could mean his death. He just did what needed to be done, and knew that death was the next unknown to face. It's actually why Shatner chose the words "Oh my!" when he acted that scene - they weren't originally in the script. Just my response to you!

  • Dejuan Heidenreich

    Let's have a recap, I didn't copied all your comments but you should see a summary somehow: > Isn't that what sharia is? God's set of laws? This is complete attempt of hijacking the post. "The" Shariah as people on the street know has nothing to do with God's laws. the authentic one is God's laws, but what you see in action is not His laws. One supposed to be in action is in Quran. > Are you saying Christianity does not follow Jesus? Could you please tell me why ecumenical council are important or holy support form a higher place. The answer is related with your question. > If you don't believe me, answer whether or not the Muslims in Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Turkey all believe the same things. We have agreed I guess that there is no consensus in "shariah" so it shouldn't be from God, if that would be from God that should be uniform, if it isn't uniform then the people you have mentioned on a different path. > some Muslims have interpreted surah 2:282 Arabic has lots of grammar rules, but they are very strict, that verse talks about two is better than one, it never says two woman is equal to one man. Women are equal to men. There are enough application on this matter in Prophet's life. > your interpretation is the only possible one There is only one interpretation, (11:1-2, 3:7, 7:52) all others belong to mortals. > I've spent months reading Islamic theology I am sure you l know more than me but what is the source of religion? The answer is God. If we have a Book from Him and He is the source, what all other effort is about? He confirms that His Book is self explanatory, one verse explains another. what if all those books you have read were used to cover up something? What if God had said woman and man are equal but the books you have read said woman is half of man, what if He said usury is forbidden but those books had defined fancy ways of lending with extra repayment, which is usury as defined in God's own Book. > If you don't want to debate with people who have different views, don't bother posting your ridiculous assertions on a debate sub. Please show the respect you are expecting from others. Atheism claims there is no god and we are here goalless, the shariah (the way people in the street know) is based on predestination and God's inability. Scholars gave rights of God to certain rulers so that they could rule over the masses the way they want. The last sentence is to be linked with "shariah" not for atheists with constitution over all laws, which theists don't have.

  • Peggie Steuber

    >I want a short and simple ~150 pages book introducing ancap ethics To be an ancap you just have to follow/support force being limited to self defense and acknowledge that people can make contracts. This is arguably not an ethical framework. In fact there are 2 major ethical camps that ancaps find themselves in: those that believe ethics is objective and those that believe that it is not. Within those camps there are also various specific ethical frameworks behind that an individual or group of ancaps might have. They all agree on the fundamental value of a society without support for force outside of self defense but they come at it from different ethical positions. >and how the whole society will operate. We are kind of against dictating how society should operate. Any book from an ancap is going to be in the form of "this is how it might look like" or "this is what we need to have to make it workable". but really its a bit like asking how people will have sex. We as individuals have our preferences and those preferences might vary wildly but the one thing we are agreeing on is that people should not be forced to do it in any way they dont want to. Thats as true for sex as it is for how a business should run, how people should defend themselves against people who do not respect others freedom or property or how perceived injustice like differences in wealth or opportunity might be addressed. You would be surprised for example by how many ancaps want to live in what is essentially communes. Communities of like minded individuals that share common infrastructure. If that doesn't sound like capitalism to you then you should understand by capitalism we just mean respect for property rights. Choosing to share resources with your community does not infringe on property rights so it is a perfectly fine way to organize in a free society. Forcing people to provide resources rather than letting or encouraging them to share on the other hand is not. We cant write books saying how society will operate because we dont know and are not going to dictate it. You can ask individual ancaps how they think it might look and what they will try and make it look. Anyway, to answer your request for a book on how an ancap society might operate I recommend David Friedman over Molyneux. His book [The Machinery of Freedom](http://daviddfriedman.com/The_Machinery_of_Freedom_.pdf) is 133 pages.

  • Justen Ebert

    I do believe that life has meaning and I do believe that sex typically feels good so people will breed. Just because we would go extinct if people felt like I do doesn't mean that my thoughts are not valid or true. The truth is truth regardless of whether it hurts us or not. If you don't want to die, then you technically don't have the right to sentence other people to it. If humans go extinct, let's not kid ourselves. You really don't care and most people don't either. They say all of these poetic things to disguise the fact that they like to fuck and want a fucktrophy (i.e. children) to care for them when they get old. Most people are not as forward thinking as you claim to be. Besides, how do you know that I don't think life means something? I never said that. I did say it is both positive and negative...both good and bad. People like you come up with all of these fancy sounding slogans to make themselves sound all intellectual and to delude themselves about their future as worm food. I didn't say that there was no point to doing anything. You just are *saying* that I said that because you are one of those people who put parents on a pedestal simply because they fucked without birth control and 'gave life'. You just cannot stand the fact I am honest about the good *and* the bad of life. All I said was that sex is not all it is cracked up to be. If not carefully, it can cause a lot of misery in the form of STDs, children being born to people who are not physically or financially healthy, "baby mama" and "baby daddy" drama etc. All that was said is that sex doesn't need to be put on a pedestal. Most people are not thinking about the freaking cosmos when they get their freak on. You are saying all of this pseudo-psycho BS because you just cannot respect other people's beliefs and you just want to get the last word on Reddit. And I am gonna let you do that because you're about to be blocked. I have no time for someone who cannot accept life what it is and then tries to put words in my mouth on top of that. You don't know how many children I have or will have. You don't know whether I'm doing it au natural or using a sperm donor. You don't know anything about the books that I am writing and the music that I am making. You just assumed a lot of things about me because I brought up the fact that a good number of humans are rutting animals in suits that cause ourselves much misery due to lack of self control. That is all. Enjoy having the last word because it is the only thing that people like you will *ever* comprehend.

  • Euna O'Reilly

    > We should leave the door open for everybody willing to enrich all of our lives as easily as possible. Oh, wow dude. I dont know what you smoked but you should come down a little. Art is art, i give you that but not every person is adding something to it. Writing a book is already a very easy made hobby. It does not get any easier than that. From there you would potentialy try to get published and those publishers are going to cover the costs of editing and marketing for you WHILE also paying you but only if you write something good. If after 20 years (just an example) you still only get "No" from publishers then im sorry but you didnt make it. From then on people decided that the internet is a powerful machine and companies like amazon allowed people to self publish. Now everyone can write whatever they want (i saw some meme books who just collected some funny memes.) without any talent at all. They drown in the amount of shit that's available exactly because EVERYONE is able to do it. If you want to set yourself apart and if you value your own stuff you have to make investments. These already start by saying "no" to stuff you wanted to do but couldnt because you didnt finish your daily writing goal yet and they end by making your book the best quality they can be. You hire an editor or someone with a background in your native language and let them check for mistakes or you check yourself over and over again until you are sure everything is right. And no. Noone owes you anything at all for writing a book. Just like people dont magicaly get money by writing a script or recording a youtube video. You have to work to get something to say that you deserved what you got but even if you work your ass off and society decided what you did is just uninteresting or of low quality then thats that. ___ I really like your idealist attitude about the process of creating art but the truth is different. The only reason companies like amazon decided to allow self publishing is because they make money with that. They dont lose anything at all when your book flops but they make good money when it doesnt and if you decide that other people owe you respect or (much worse) money for something JUST BECAUSE then im sorry but your are a pebble in a see of rocks. Increasingly unimportant.

  • Shaina Pfannerstill

    Push-ups done. It is the easiest part of those challenges. Evaluation done with delay. Based on some excerpt from 'wheel of life' or something. I have left questions, maybe it will provide some help for others. Business, Career & Studies: Is your career where you want it to be by now? Are you heading in the right direction? • current place and work position is ok • money decent/good • lack of future plan - here progress is needed Finance & Wealth: Are you earning enough income to satisfy your current needs? Are you financial setup for future growth in wealth? • current setup is good • future setup needs to be planned and executed Health & Fitness: How physically healthy are you? Are you satisfied with your level of fitness? Are you satisfied with your diet? • yes, current fit status is good/very good • ongoing with lowering body fat (from 16-20 to 12) Social & Friends: Are your friends supportive of you? Are you engaging friends and socializing to your satisfaction levels? • no real friends (on the level of 'bury corpse' together) • social events rather rare, 1-2 per month • wanting more here Family: Is your family supportive of you? Are you supportive of your family? • yes, to both Love: Do you feel loved? How often are you expressing love to others? • gaming and loving wife • increasing amount of time, and working to improve quality of this time spent with family • sounds like disney-shit, but yeah, I feel loved Recreation & Fun: Are you enjoying your life and making it fun? Are you satisfied with the level of activity that you do? • yes, here is great, fortunately for me gym is fun, so two birds with one stone Contribution: How would others rate your contribution to society or them as individuals? • none, but I do not feel any need to do this • my priority is my targets and my family Personal Growth: How focused are you on personal growth? Are you satisfied with your direction? Are you trying new experiences and seeking to learn? • hell yeah, RP, books, Men of March, • going really well Spiritual: How connected are you to the inner and outer world? Are you satisfied with your relationship with your spiritual being? • ok, this is some bullshit, I do not get it and need it Self-Image: Do you think of your abilities highly? Do you respect and love yourself? Do you appreciate yourself? • triple yes So I am well aware that I have to work harder in areas connected to career, family and social life.

  • Trevor Lind

    I think the main thing is to expose yourself to a range of different authors, experiences and perspectives. I read a lot of depressing nihilistic angsty literature as a teen, which may not have been the best thing for me - but *Fight Club* by Chuck Palahnuik is best read when you're a late teen or angry 20 something. *How to be a Woman* by Caitlin Moran. It's very funny and engaging, a story of her strange upbringing. It also helps reassure guys that they weren't the only confused, perpetually horny, moody, hormonal, disgusting, angsty teen wrecks. It was a universal experience, but the majority is about her experiences, development and finding her assumptions challenged as she becomes a rock journalist. David Sedaris is a writer and essayist who writes dry, witty observations about the world. I'd recommend you start with *Six to Eight Black Men* or one of his collections *Me Talk Pretty One Day* or *Dress Your Family in Denim and Couderoy* A good budget cookbook is also a good idea - I like Jack Monroe for cheap, basic, tasty food which doesn't assume you have quail's eggs in the cupboard. *1984* or *Animal Farm* by George Orwell is a must too. Anything which makes you look critically at the world around you - politicians lie, advertising misleads, statistics are distorted - don't accept things at face value and work out the angle that other people have. Vonnegut's *Slaughterhouse 5* and Heller's *Catch 22* are good books for the same reasons. Not all books need to be for self improvement though - *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy* by Douglas Adams is a very fun read and good for developing a sense of humour about the world and it's absurdities and unfairness. Ask people you know and respect what book they'd recommend or that had the greatest affect on them. Read those, but take it with a pinch of salt - especially if it's a 'How to live your life' book like *Atlas Shrugged* *Das Kapital* *The Bible* (or any holy book) or anything by Dan Brown. In short - try to read something by someone who is a different gender, sexuality, ethnic background or has radically different experiences to you. Remember to read for fun and use your local library. Good luck!

  • London Wilkinson

    I am a lot like you. I'm the "family hero" and the oldest (female) with two younger brothers. I was/am very motherly towards them. I had to get over myself and stop judging them. Part of growing up with the dysfunction in my family was that I tried to be a third parent to them. 13 year olds don't make good parents even if we try our best... It wasn't good for any of us. By the time we were adults, I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility toward them. Look at the first bullet point on the sidebar: > Some traits that Adult Children share are: > - overdeveloped sense of responsibility. They took my "advice" as judgement... because it is judgement. I judged that certain parts of their lives weren't suitable... they weren't successful enough, they weren't tapping into their potential, etc. just like you. When I realized that I was sabotaging my own relationship with them, it took awhile, but I tried to be supporting and affirming. I tried to show more interest in what they were like. I would only talk to them in positive and affirming ways. I would ask questions, but not make comments, lecture, or give unsolicited advice. I periodically remind myself that they are adults and if they want my advice or help they can ask for it. Our relationship got a lot better. I admit to myself that I can't control people, which is a cornerstone of recovery. I can respect their boundaries. We're all ACAs, so you have to try and identify what their problems might be.. are they "approval seeking", or do they have "self esteem" or "shame" issues. If you can identify those, you can stop pressing those buttons and your relationship can get better. I have only shared a little of my recovery with my brothers. I have considered sharing books or literature with them, but haven't yet. When I talk about it, I only frame it in reference to me. I tell them how I perceived things and how they affected me, not them. I also emphasize how the work has helped me. They have been receptive. I wouldn't say that I am perfect now, but I can easily spend long periods of time around my brothers without any of us getting upset or angry. In fact, we really enjoy our time together. We talk, we play games, we watch movies, etc. Its really nice.

  • Oceane Little

    So, let's make some examples here: Your child is starting to read and since they cannot afford their own books, you will be buying them (or not). What do you choose? Your child wants to Now, you don't actually have to answer the question. It's simply an example of the types of questions parents ask themselves everyday. As inconsequential you may think this is, when you become a parent, these decisions end up being a reflection of yourself and **do** have consequences, however little. >>they don't ultimately want your ethics I'm not prescribing any specific brand of anti-oppresive parenting or ethics. In fact, I'm trying to develop an ethics using dialectical method. When studying Social Ecology, I was intrigued by the ethics of [Dialectical naturalism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_naturalism), you may be intersted too. The biggest part that stood out to me as a parent, is how ethics are a continuous and fluid development. If you don't want to check the wiki, here's the part that stands out: >However, in contrast with its forebears in Hegel and Marx, dialectical naturalism "does not terminate in a Hegelian Absolute at the end of a cosmic development path, but rather advances the vision of an ever increasing wholeness, fullness and richness of differentiation and subjectivity." Thus, in the dialectical naturalist framework, there is no "End of History," only the advancement of a continued march of human social and individual self-understanding. BTW, I respect your opinions and I'm glad you keep responding. This is a great example on why we, socialists, should have a space to discuss parenting with other like minded, or not-so-like-minded individuals like yourself! Cheers friend.

  • Gaetano O'Kon

    It's not that he doesn't know how to play the game; it's that he's often not playing to win, or at least part of him isn't. As soon as he says or does something not in his interest (to let off steam) he realizes it: >Fool, he thought to himself afterward, as they lay in the center of the sagging mattress amidst the rumpled sheets. Will you never learn, dwarf? She's a whore, damn you, it's your coin she loves, not your cock.   >How could I tell her that and still think she would love me? part of him said, and another part mocked, saying, Fool of a dwarf, it is only the gold and jewels the whore loves.   >That was more than Tyrion could stomach. "Liar!" He took two steps forward before the gold cloaks dragged him back. Lord Tywin frowned. "Must we have you chained hand and foot like a common brigand?" Tyrion gnashed his teeth. A second mistake, fool, fool, fool of a dwarf. Keep your calm or you're doomed. His psychological problems stem from having no mother and having two of his remaining three nuclear family members hate his guts for no fault of his. The amount of effort he put into try to win Tywin's love would be enough to drive anyone mad. And only rarely did he even get the slightest amount of respect for having one of the best strategic minds in Westeros, something Tywin of all people should respect. The fact that the public also seems to hate him unjustly is further validation for the feelings of inadequacy heaped on him by his father and sister. He has suicidal tendencies, but they're offset by the fact that he enjoys the experience of having such a tremendous intellect. He loves reading books and people; he loves conversation; he genuinely loves people and is capable of great compassion; and he loves being rich. So he keeps waffling back and forth between being self-destructive and near-suicidal and being a brilliant, funny compassionate guy, neither of which makes for a very good player of the Game of Thrones!

  • Shaina Roob

    I was you for five years man. The pleasure from video games, porn, and eating shitty food while hiding in my room was the best feeling in the world. When is resurface, like a troll emerging from its cavern, all the insecurities would press to the surface and the truth would slam into me harder than a bullet center head. I took baby steps. First I quit video games for a few weeks, reading self-improvement books and trying out new hobbies. It took me years to quit for longer than six months --much of which I journaled. The more I read, the more evidence I had that my habits were the work of a false narrative. It's funny how far the human brain can rationalise until bad thoughts are far and few and terrible practices become meaningful escapes. Well, with each block of evidence, my old habits started crumbling. After a few shitty months in the gym, while sticking to a solid diet - no cheating - the looks and compliments started coming in. All that knowledge paid off when it came to social situations, and people give you respect when you're a positive influence and know more than the virtual warriors that frequent the world in part time slots these days. One thing lead to another and you couldn't get me to sit down and play a video game if you paid me too now days. I avoid that shit like the plague. If a crack addict gets a whiff, it's all downhill from there, and so I treat it that way. The spiral shifts with your habits, though. You'll be getting more female attention than you can handle and quickly notice that these days being better than average really ain't that hard. You don't have to be the ultimate brawn head or a bearded bad ass puffing cocaine tipped fags. Soon as you figure out that the glass ceiling really ain't that high, you'll wonder what the fuck you were doing in pixel land for all the years. Reality will Coke crashing down --in the best way possible. Or maybe flying up, resurfacing you so you've got both feet on the ground. Then you'll realise that taking the pill was never really an option. You were born to be great, somewhere along the way *they* got to you, is all.

  • Dejon Dickens

    Why is it when I see and hear Elliott Rodgers, I see and hear Fred Rodgers (Mister Rodgers from Mister Rodgers Neighborhood), or what Fred Rodgers might have looked or sounded like when he was young? The resemblance is uncanny. But Fred Rodgers, who I have much respect for, grew up under the *old set of books* that just don't work anymore. He was *a good man* for a *good time* in history, when decency and beauty walked hand in hand. I'm sure if Fred Rodgers came back today, and saw America today, he would be like Elliot Rodgers: utter confusion as to what to do, how to find love and acceptance, how to get along with your neighbors, how to build self-esteem, and so on. Fred Rodgers always saw the good in everyone and that the universe would recognize the good in you. Elliott Rogers believed the same thing, and then transformed his outlook to the polar opposite: a rapacious cynicism that could only act upon the world in a bout of rage and destruction. One of the challenges of going your own way is to get a handle on this cynicism so it doesn't consume you, like it did Elliot Rodgers, or the legions of men who take their own lives. We are farther along in this, because we recognize that we live in a much less innocent time than Fred Rodgers did, and have a much different neighborhood than Fred Rodgers envisioned. But one thing we must never lose is the idea that "you are a special person," or that what you are cannot be defined by gynocentric measures like "beta male" or "sexual marketplace value" or "provider and protector" or "creepy loser" or "Peter pan ma baby." Society may relegate us as disposable, but you are indispensable to you, and of great worth.

  • Liam Hartmann

    Thinking about the inner lives of older women she knows. I used to interrogate my babysitter, who was a teenager with an active dating life. I was fascinated by the way she dressed and did her makeup. I wanted to know her thoughts about everything. I was also deeply interested in the lives of my female teachers. Did she have a partner? Did she live alone? How old was she when she got her cartilage pierced? Is she happy or not? Does she like living here? I asked my mom about her life and there were certain stories I had her tell me over and over again, things that I felt I wanted to inherit from her. The moment where she rejected a marriage proposal when she was 18. That was important to me. I decided I would also be the kind of woman who would do that. And I digested my dad's opinions on women--that a woman should be sharp, a little angry, able to get out the door in under five minutes of primping. And conversely, that women who were frivolous or self-indulgent did not get his respect. And I was very interested in the way femininity affected the way others perceived you--the performance of it versus the affected rejection of certain elements of it, etc. I would practice walking and sitting and moving my hands in ways I thought were pretty. But if you were too feminine/pretty then you weren't really cool; you had to choose which bits to perform. I knew a girl who dressed sort of sexy but she always sat with her legs apart and she had this big deep laugh. The masculine parts of her were made more attractive because of the contrast to the feminine parts. I tried to imitate that. Basically I was just always thinking about it. Not always consciously, but definitely a lot more than girls in those books think about their girl-ness.

  • Amir Grady

    Why is it when I see and hear Elliott Rodgers, I see and hear Fred Rodgers (Mister Rodgers from Mister Rodgers Neighborhood), or what Fred Rodgers might have looked or sounded like when he was young? The resemblance is uncanny. But Fred Rodgers, who I have much respect for, grew up under the *old set of books* that just don't work anymore. He was *a good man* for a *good time* in history, when decency and beauty walked hand in hand. I'm sure if Fred Rodgers came back today, and saw America today, he would be like Elliot Rodgers: utter confusion as to what to do, how to find love and acceptance, how to get along with your neighbors, how to build self-esteem, and so on. Fred Rodgers always saw the good in everyone and that the universe would recognize the good in you. Elliott Rogers believed the same thing, and then transformed his outlook to the polar opposite: a rapacious cynicism that could only act upon the world in a bout of rage and destruction. One of the challenges of going your own way is to get a handle on this cynicism so it doesn't consume you, like it did Elliot Rodgers, or the legions of men who take their own lives. We are farther along in this, because we recognize that we live in a much less innocent time than Fred Rodgers did, and have a much different neighborhood than Fred Rodgers envisioned. But one thing we must never lose is the idea that "you are a special person," or that what you are cannot be defined by gynocentric measures like "beta male" or "sexual marketplace value" or "provider and protector" or "creepy loser" or "Peter pan ma baby." Society may relegate us as disposable, but you are indispensable to you, and of great worth.

  • Graham Flatley

    Why is it when I see and hear Elliott Rodgers, I see and hear Fred Rodgers (Mister Rodgers from Mister Rodgers Neighborhood), or what Fred Rodgers might have looked or sounded like when he was young? The resemblance is uncanny. But Fred Rodgers, who I have much respect for, grew up under the *old set of books* that just don't work anymore. He was *a good man* for a *good time* in history, when decency and beauty walked hand in hand. I'm sure if Fred Rodgers came back today, and saw America today, he would be like Elliot Rodgers: utter confusion as to what to do, how to find love and acceptance, how to get along with your neighbors, how to build self-esteem, and so on. Fred Rodgers always saw the good in everyone and that the universe would recognize the good in you. Elliott Rogers believed the same thing, and then transformed his outlook to the polar opposite: a rapacious cynicism that could only act upon the world in a bout of rage and destruction. One of the challenges of going your own way is to get a handle on this cynicism so it doesn't consume you, like it did Elliot Rodgers, or the legions of men who take their own lives. We are farther along in this, because we recognize that we live in a much less innocent time than Fred Rodgers did, and have a much different neighborhood than Fred Rodgers envisioned. But one thing we must never lose is the idea that "you are a special person," or that what you are cannot be defined by gynocentric measures like "beta male" or "sexual marketplace value" or "provider and protector" or "creepy loser" or "Peter pan ma baby." Society may relegate us as disposable, but you are indispensable to you, and of great worth.

  • Reese Macejkovic

    I realized if I was going to make any changes, I had better seek out some solid advice from others because I clearly was not mentally equipped to make my life better. I listened to great podcasts and read a few books on self improvement. I realized rewiring my brain was going to take some time. Which meant i had to be patient with the results. I believe in the notion that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. So I found a job where i actually had co workers again. Not just anyone, bjt great co workers. People I respect. And I listen to them and was their friend. I didn't argue, disagree, or talk crap behind their back. That was the temptation of old me. I started making better friends elsewhere in life. I sat down regularly and contemplated what habits i wanted to develop. I picked up new hobbies and tried new things. Honestly this was unexpectedly scary. I started keeping my place cleaner and organized for the sake of feeling good at home or in my car. I did it for me. I made my bed. Did roommates dishes and i didnt fking complain to them about it. I stopped watching movies and tv unless it was with other people. I started paying down debt and stopped buying unnecessary things. I called family more often to genuinely find out how they were and made plans to see them. Finally, i made it a daily reminder to try to enjoy and have fun all the time. Even in the face of immense stress and serious problems. I admire others for being able to do that. I'm still pretty bad as I get easily irritated by little things but I recognize that's me and work not to push my stress into others.

  • Mekhi Lang

    > The ~~fact~~ idea that there is a creator increases the purpose of the human race. No it doesn't. It literally changes nothing. Either way we're here and we don't know why. Pretending you do know is just plain ignorance and fear of the unknown. Why do we need a purpose? Why can't we just exist? > Moreover, in the long run, you have nothing to loose by believing, don't you now? Yes I do. My own self respect and personal freedom. What, there *might* be a god so I'd better play it safe and believe just in case he gets pissed off? What if I pick the wrong god? There are so many to choose from and they seem to be really jealous of each other. I don't need 2000 year old books about imaginary supernatural creatures to tell me right from wrong. I've had sex outside of marriage, some say that's bad. I work on sundays, some say that's bad. It goes even further with some even telling me what I'm allowed to eat! No thanks. > Have an open mind and try to understand why there are religions. Where do they come from? What's the similarities between them? Don't just focus on the differences. There are religions because people want answers to questions with no answers, so they make them up. For example, every single one has teachings about what happens after death. Why? Because people fear death. They are fairy tales, they probably all started as campfire stories told by cavemen to entertain each other. Can I prove without a doubt that there is no god? No. Can you prove without a doubt that unicorns don't exist? No? Then why don't you believe in unicorns?

  • Ardella Morar

    Although my story isn't tragic I still want to share my experience because I am proud of where I am right now. For several years I was a cynical person. Negativity surrounded me. I would always think of the worst possible outcome when in a situation, stress over it and then make others stress over it. On top of that I just got out of my first relationship. That just dug the whole deeper. I became even more cynical and full of hate. One time I was out with my family for dinner. We were all having a good time until I started going on about some stuff. It made the mood a lot worse, I could feel the atmosphere become all stagnant. It was like breathing in smoke. My Mom stayed silent, as well as my Brother. When we got home my Dad told me straight up "I'm not proud of you". It hit me man. The person who i respected the most in my life had no respect for me. I decided to straighen myself out. I was fat, lonely and depressed. I had no job. It was summer and I had 4 months of free time. So I did my research on weight loss. I started eating healthy, exercising every morning and reading a lot of books. I deleted all social media and just kept to myself during summer. Now I'm in a lot better shape, very happy with myself and I appreciate things in my life a lot more. It was the first time ever since my childhood where I can genuinely say I enjoy life. I still revert back to that old hateful, cynical self of mine once in a while when I'm extremely stressed out, but only for a instant. Its hard to change, you can't do it overnight. I think the most important aspect to change is taking it slow.

  • Georgiana Kris

    You need to read the side bar - focus on self improvement rather than game theory first it seems you have a lot of personal issues to go through first. Your situation is quite simple in fact... you rely too much on your families validation and opinion and let them define you as a man. This then makes you feel upset because deep down you see it differently but at the same time don't want to disappoint your family. Wake up. The only person that can define you is yourself. Who gives a fuck what your family think, it is your life not theirs. You can respect them and their opinion, but the moment you start letting them define you and define how to live your life, you are fucked and will be sad all the time. Start thinking for yourself, start reading books on masculinity, start reading books on religion and politics. Start making your own opinions on topics and deciding for yourself what it means to be a man and how to live your life. If you want to destroy your beta conditioning and corrupt thought pattern you are going to start having to read books. There is an essential booklist on TRP you should read them all, especially one called "When I say no I feel guilty". Start reading, start getting knowledge and information from other places than your family and popular media. If you don't program your mind, others will program it for you.

  • Stanton Ankunding

    Oh, my love, this is a BAD BAD situation. You sound like you are sunk deep into the Swamp of Self-Loathing and are looking for approval to just keep "proving" to yourself that you are awful and deserving of no respect or love. Because that will be the end result of sleeping with this man, much less simply continuing to hang out with him: you will hate yourself more than you thought possible and feel that sick high the self-loathing get for doing something self-destructive. And make no mistake, this is what you're doing, **engaging in self-destructive behavior.** Yeah, you need to stop that. I know you are unemployed, but there are always options for mental health care. Research low-cost providers; if you are on some kind of government support, see if that department has resources; contact a local university and see if, say, students in the psychology department provide low-cost therapy. See if any of these resources can provide the titles of some good self-help books. One to start with? *Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy* by David D. Burns. Read it and faithfully do the exercises (there is also the *Feeling Good Handbook* with even more exercises)--sort of like CBT in a book. And Google "Centre for Clinical Interventions" It's an Australian government resource that has free online workbooks about topics such as developing self-esteem.

  • Ethelyn Boyle

    too timid to approach woman, shy, not a natural bad boy. I read books like philosophy and literature (currently reading crime and punishment by fyodor dostoevsky), i study filming and music. i work with welding and construction stuff. i also don't have much going on social media like Instagram and facebook, i don't have perfect 6 pac, don't like clubbing and getting fucked every weekend, and i make less than poverty line (i am a student age 22) basically i am boring and unattractive and not rich by western society modern standards. these traits have been more of a negative than positive with woman. i'd like to be more attractive but i like reading and studying, i like being kind and respectful to people, i try to be open, honest and help others. i have fun doing outdoor stuff or watching foreign films and the occasional gaming unit, i believe in working hard for one self and monogamy, so until north east coast western society culture changes i am a boring beta but i love myself at least. I am kinda a loner, been one my whole life so that prob gives a non alpha vibe. one thing i'm working on is getting my career lined up, and working out more. i want to date, but i can't use game, i like talking to people with respect and not playing games or having side girls to show off, i live in canada if that gives a sense of culture here.

  • Hulda Jerde

    It's important to note that at this point, Mars and the Belt are mostly self-sufficient with respect to food and industrial technologies - they just need *water* and some complex organics from Earth from time to time. Belter food is routinely described as processed mushroom proteins or things like "kibble" - almost no meat (fish being the exception, and even that only on capitols of the Belt like Tycho) and otherwise sticking to easy-to-grow proteins or imports from Ganymede. If one can scalably grow food to feed the population of the belt, Earth's natural resources should be far, far more sufficient - and in-universe, the best tech is on Mars before it gets to Earth. With that same technology, and the fact that Basic is the primary subsistence of people on Earth, it's possible to feed a *lot* more people than we can today. There's a lot of discussion in the books about food, varying from place to place - Mars, Ganymede, Ceres, Earth. If you'll recall, real cheese *from a cow* was considered luxury far above modern caviar on Ceres when Star Helix busted a smuggling ring.

  • Alvina Hettinger

    I don't really consider myself super intelligent by any means, but I went to college and I like to read and learn about things more so than my boyfriend does, and often it feels like he doesn't understand things as quickly as I do. Like your wife, I read a lot of self-improvement books and like to work towards that, whereas he is a little bit more laid-back. He does misuse words (they're, their and there) which irritates me, and generally I remember things consistently better than he does, but, he has a lot of great strengths that I don't have and I really respect those. For instance, I am more anxious, a realist to the point of being a pessimist, and I usually only think of the worst outcomes in any situation. My boyfriend on the other hand, is a very positive person and if he has an idea it's all about what could go right. He also has so much more patience than I do, he loves talking to people and always sees the best in them, and he never has anything bad to say about me. The thing is, there are certainly ways in which you will feel inferior, but I guarantee that there are things you are better at, or you have something she doesn't that she admires in you. It's also a good idea to talk about this with your wife, and she will hopefully reiterate why she married you.

  • Jacklyn Keebler

    > Books; - Asimov, Clarke, Gaiman, Pratchett, Hitchens, Orson Scott Card. - Currently: Plato's Last Days of Socrates, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, and Thomas E. Hill's essays on Autonomy and Self Respect. > Music; - Former competitive mallet percussionist, which helped to grow an appreciation for a lot of types of music. Saw The Cure this summer and went to St. Maarten for SXMusic in March. > Sports; - FC Bayern and I totally crush on Roddick & McEnroe. ⚽🎾 > Shows; - Black Mirror, Archer, Senses8, Sherlock, Wilfred, House of Cards, Colbert & Noah. Still on the fence about OA and waiting for a yoga/tai chi hybrid class to pop-up in Brooklyn. > Food; - I'm doing the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/ketogains/wiki/index" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">keto/LCHF thing</a> while striving to meet my '17 strength goals. I love cooking: German, French, Indian, Thai.. > Oh, and I'll try any hot sauce once.

  • Ruth Koelpin

    I wrote a long-ish response citing three books in response to the Alfie Kohn comment please refer to that to see a bit about each of the books. Here are the books: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn -- lots of research on conventional parenting practices, over 30-40 pages of reference which includes some excerpts from psychology experiments. Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. Acknowledges the importance of self work, covers a lot about children with "issues" and especially sibling jealousy. Grounded in respect for the child and understanding for the parent. Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille. An incredible collection and analysis of historical records on parenting. Highly recommended but with a trigger warning because of the unspeakable cruelty and ignorance contained in said records. Also very hopeful.

  • Hermann Fisher

    Agree with u/irisandoleander. Also beware of infantilizing him and slipping into Mom role. He is responsible for fixing his own problems, and that could include body dysmorphia. He wants your respect, and it can to him feel like you don't respect/look up to him if you are babying him. It doesn't make him feel desirable, and it could make it patronized. Give him all due respect and admiration without any intention of curing or fixing anything. Re book thing.....your marriage doesn't need a script or prescription or formula. If RPWi works for you, awesome! It can be just your thing. Maybe instead of a man-perspective RP text, explain to him what you like about RPWi, explain the basics of RP, and let that be sufficient. Many of our men are not RP-aware. They don't have a desire to read up and learn about it, and that's okay. I fear that by you trying to fix (and we can never fix or change others!) him and handing him books on self-confidence that you will make him feel more insecure and awkward.

  • Lia Kris

    Not psychologist, but Master of Social Work with 5 years of clinical therapy practice. Naturally my words are more related to the impact of social life on mental health. 1. Discipline does not equal physical punishment. Teach your children to listen to you out of respect, not fear. You will be guiding them in a path of internal motivation rather than external motivation. 2. Environment is important for good mental health. It's been said on here already, but surrounding yourself with health will bring health. 3. Self reflect. I truly believe that anyone can understand Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Google it then ask yourself, "where am I getting stuck as I move up the pyramid?". It you can find the problem, you know the solution. On a side note - listen to these audiobooks or read the books: 1. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People 2. Subtle art of not giving a f*ck

  • Quinn Schroeder

    > How do you define toxic relationships/work environments? consistent element if abuse, boundary violations, lack of respect, etc >How do you begin to embrace buddhism get some books on it or check out youtube. check out radical acceptance, self compassion, etc >did you ever feel silly when trying yes >When were you diagnosed with BPD and how did it impact you as a male? self diagnosed over the years >How long did your recovery take? recovery never ends but life gets A LOT better recovery is very simple, but we think it is very hard. follow the path others have laid out before you, it works. many tools are available online do not wait on or rely on the NIH. CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, Buddhism, etc. Use all the tools. Learn with a passion. Recovery takes time. >"The mind unlearns with difficulty what it has long learned." -Seneca

  • Kathryn Hintz

    There is a lot to unpack here man. If you do not mind I will do a few posts addressing diffrent things. First and foremost yes you deserve to be loved. Especially you deserve to love yourself. A quote I love "you yourself as much as anyone deserve your own love and respect". How do you love yourself. Not a hundred percent sure but there is self esteem work books, maybe start there on this one. Also give it time (I will say that a lot)

  • Isabelle Kutch

    Not your "traditional" self-help books but: On Self-Respect by Joan Didion (an essay, but it's featured in her seminal essay collection *Slouching Towards Bethlehem.* I would also recommend *Slouching* as a whole, since it also has tons of excellent essays) Demian by Hermann Hesse

  • Jammie Beier

    Sorry, I know this is three days later, but I haven't logged in until now and I think this topic is interesting... > Natural beauty can exist without humans creating it! People like savoring extraordinary images much in the same way that they like savoring tasty things and like savoring pleasing smells! Okay sure, but those weren't the examples you used? I maintain that when you're "admiring" objectects made by people, you're admiring the individual's acheivement. With natural things, are you sure the word you're looking for isn't more along the lines of "appreciation"? > That is exactly how feminists wield the term, to accuse selected people for having dirty thoughts for which they must atone. I disagree. I mean, I'm sure *some* people think that, like some people believe women should be subservient to men, but I don't think it's fair or accurate to insist that their definition is the "real" definition. That said, the stuff I said about admiration vs objectification is centered on the assumption that you're saying the two are synonyms. All of that is kind of moot if what you're really saying is that feminists made up, or twisted the to shame men for impure thoughts. > They have a moral problem only when straight men do it, and do not care when gay men look at each other, or at their porn, and see each other as arousing pieces of ass. Earlier I mentioned a few non-gender specific examples of what I believe objectification is, but it's apparently different than your definition. I can't really argue for or against a definition that I don't personally buy into. I don't think objectification is simply looking at a person, or a picture of a person, and finding them attractive. That's...dumb. Remember when the Orlando Bloom dick pic came out? Pretty much every woman I knew went looking for it. Or when Mad Men was big, and there were tons of articles showing close-ups of Jon Hamm's crotch? Men are getting naked so much more often now, and I've seen so many more references of women encouraging men to perform oral sex on them than I ever had in the past. Also, I'm bisexual. Since I'm not gay or a lesbian, it didn't occur to me that I had a relevent perspective until now. I objectify (and have been objectified by), or admire, whichever, women and men on almost a daily basis. I'm sure I've made plenty of women, as well as men, uncomfortable and vice versa. But you're right, it's mostly straight men that straight-up piss me off (the ones that push it to that level). There are exceptions, and most don't, so I've never really thought about it before, but there you go. Not for any of the reasons you mentioned, it's just really annoying to be sexually objectified by a gender that, as a whole, has held my gender responsible for their sexual proclivities. I'm going to assume I don't need to go into the religions and societies that still do this today. Again, most people are fine. It's just that women are still being raised with the belief that men will judge them negatively for being promiscuous, which plenty do. It's a classic double standard that makes taking pride in your appearance or sexuality a very confusing journey for most women. If you dislike being shamed for admiring a girl's photograph, imagine what it must feel like to be shamed for being the subject of that photogragh. It doesn't matter if they're getting paid or not, because we all know that people don't really care. The whole Madonna-whore complex most men seem to hold is extremely stressful to work around, and men don't even try to acknowledge how limiting it is. When women look at pictures of a guy's dick, they just look ("so that's what his penis looks like"), or become aroused, I don't know. But for me, it's the same with women's nudes ("Yay boobs!" or "That's hot.") I would have no problem sending a picture of my boobs to another girl, even or especially if she was sexually attracted to me. I would have to think hard about sending one to a guy, even one I was currently dating, because the double standards straight men have toward sex also applies to nudes. I dunno how it works with gay guys, but I know most women definitely don't do things like that. When a girl sends me a naked picture, I don't jerk off to it and think about how that was kind of a slutty thing to do after. I don't have sex with a woman on the first date and then dump her for being easy. Those are all stupid things to do, and the reality of that only becomes more obvious when you're dating the same gender. Straight men, for some reason, can justify these things in their head. I'm not saying that you're personally like that, but guys like that certainly aren't a minority. Again, I'm not sure we're using the same definition of objectification, but that's something I see exclusively in straight men, and it definitely influences the way I interpret "admiration". > That's what happens when a woman feels, deep down, that her body is a resource or a currency and if men are seeing better bodies for free, that debases her precious currency. Oh wait sorry, it causes her "self esteem to drop," and I guess that's the preferred and sympathy-evoking way of saying "my currency is getting debased." If anything, *men* see women's bodies as commodities. That's literally the case in some countries still. This is the first time I felt that you might be projecting because while incredibly off-base for women, that's so in line with what a man in one of those countries would think in similar circumstances. I don't know how you got to abuse, but that's not really something I believe anyway. I don't think objectification, as you've described here, is a word made up to shame men for their impure thoughts. Personally, I feel "objectified" by men who are clearly still holding on to those double standards. You'd be shocked (maybe) how easily some men will admit to it, while they're hitting on you no less. Those are men I do want to shame, because it's shameful. Wouldn't you have a similar reaction to a woman saying she thinks the man should pay for everything? I have the feeling that you're focusing on objectification in one specific scenario, but it happens all the time. We all objectify each other, if that's what we're talking about. I do also have the sneaking suspicion that we're talking about two different, but related topics. I'm not sure.

  • Edna Corkery

    >It's been awhile since I've done a review, so excuse my shitty review. NSFW links, ~~probably~~ most definitely, so becareful. #Emergence/Henshin #[OP is a good hearted person.](http://i.imgur.com/VYkYEa4.jpg?1) >Story This is a spoiler warning right now. I'd suggest you avoid this part of the section if you plan on reading it, which I hope you do, because it's fantastic. The story is about a high school girl named Saki Yoshida. She was- at most, average in terms of attractiveness. She went through her whole life without a single friend. She just graduated middle school, and is now starting her life as a freshman in high school. Her self-esteem rivals only you, /r/anime_irl. She turns down every invitation from potential friends because she fears that she'll be looked down upon. After sobbing to herself upon seeing other people being happy and accompanied with one another, [she asks her mom for advice.](http://i.imgur.com/1Hrzon0.png) She asks her mom to pretty herself up. Excitingly and hopeful like all mothers, she accepts! They go to a beauty salon and everything. They return back home, and her mom presents her to her father, asking him if he thinks that Saki looks beautiful. Nervously, he says "*Y-yes.*" Saki, filled with glee, smiles embarrassingly. We get a good look at Saki after the make up upon her introduction at school. Everyone whispers about her, but she sees it a a bad thing, thinking that she had failed to veil her weakness. She gets invited, and we get a nice smile from Saki for the [second time](http://i.imgur.com/RVfAoNU.png). After hanging out with her friends, she goes to a gas station to pick up some things. She then meets a bad boy named Hayato. You don't learn of his name until later, but I'm giving it to you now so you know who I'm referring to. Hayato starts flirting with Saki. Saki, like a blissful girl she is, is unaware of the situation she's about to be in. But she doesn't care, she's just [too damn happy](http://i.imgur.com/ijKxhy1.png) about being called cute. Innocent really. Since she has never been hit on before, getting called cute alone was enough to make her go head-over-heels for him. They go to a karaoke bar and he starts to making his move on her. She gets kissed for the first time, and this isn't a nice gently kiss you give to someone that you just met. This is more of the [sexual we're kinda tipsy](http://i.imgur.com/vF3Nx0M.png) kiss. Afterwords, while she was in a daze, he offers her a circular pill with a heart shape symbol on it. She declines at first, but he puts it on his tongue and starts kissing her, transferring the pill over. The pill gives her a strong aphrodisiac feel, and at that point, she just wanted to make out more. Before we know it, they're already on the table, ready to fuck. He takes advantage of Saki, and whispers [sweet nothings to her](http://i.imgur.com/zVHgs2g.png) as she gets penetrated. After that, mind broken and stunned, he leaves her his number and walks out of the karaoke place, leaving her exposed to the workers there. She retreats quickly after. We now learn of Hayato, who texts her shortly after. By the way, this is all **in chapter one.** There's a total of seven chapters, and after typing all that out, I feel like this is a good place for me to stop on this section. As much as I would like to write all seven chapters, I think it's best if I don't due to the length this section alone is taking, and how it feels a lot more powerful to actually read it.. That being said... >Art/Scene [MmmMmm!](http://i.imgur.com/jgAXObA.png) Honestly, what can I say about this that hasn't been said already? ShindoL has a unique style of drawing. Giving everything a [sharp drawing](http://i.imgur.com/lkDETyL.png) while also giving the soft and [squishy feel](http://i.imgur.com/NgdDsI9.png) to areas when needed. The style of his eyes are fantastic, as it shows a lot of emotions, from [dread](http://i.imgur.com/8xslHL6.png) to [happiness](http://i.imgur.com/B0QmxO5.png) (a picture of her being happy was so uncommon), from [anger](http://i.imgur.com/vkchMEi.png) to [ecstasy](http://i.imgur.com/ksI173r.png). ShindoL is one of the best when it comes to the craziest faces you could think of. Right up there with Hirame(Turtle.Fish.Paint). This is just faces alone I'm talking about. The actual sex acts are phenomenal. Most of them are her drugged up, but I think that's what makes them better. Different scenes, different scenarios, different numbers of guys, "different girl." It's really great. You don't like old ugly ass men? Fucking great! There's different chapters, and they're all great! You like handsome strong men in your porn? Awesome! This whole thing has that too! You want your girl to look different throughout the series? Hell, they have that for you too! You want lesbians? [....](http://i.imgur.com/a8fB7FU.png) Well, they have a lot of things, regardless. Without spoiling too much, it gets worse as your go down the chapters. To the point where it's kinda grotesque. **Spoiler alert**: My favorite scene was the "Take the drug or money" from the bartender. That scene really did show her breaking, even dumping her "love" for Hayato, who she was committed to all this time and was the sole reason for her to keep going. My favorite for actual sex though was the one before she gets robbed. >Dialog The inner monologues Saki has throughout the whole trip is what really makes it for me. How she tries to find just in what she does, how she just wanted to be friends with people. While everything is great, it won't have as much impact to you if you don't read every word that the author has provided you... Outside the ["Oh~" and "Ah~"](http://i.imgur.com/2adTdXm.png) from the mind breaking drugged up sex. I'd strongly recommend reading it, as it'll let you get closer to Saki as you go down the path with her, and then you get to feel like a piece of shit. If you're in it for just the quick jerk, then that's fine too, but I'm letting you know that you're missing out. Strap on though, because it's a long ride, given that it's seven chapters. >Overall It's great. I've read this more than I'd like to admit. Every time it gets brought up, I always end up reading it. The story was good enough for me, I didn't even need to get turned on to go through the whole thing. I know I've recommend this to a few people before, and some couldn't even get turned on by this because they feel bad. I strongly recommend anyone this if they're into the "feel bad" thing. Otherwise, I'd stray away from it if you're looking for a happy doujinshi. If you're wondering if this ends happily, spoiler aleter: [it doesn't.](http://i.imgur.com/ekSWnSS.png) Longevity is great as well. Each chapter consist about 30 or so pages. Totaling up to about 200+ pages of depressing masturbation material. One chapter alone is a little above the average 25 pages you get from most doujinshi. If the number turns you off, then you can always go back to it like usual. Think of it like a finished, short manga. [Enjoy the ride](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFJVBkSu73Y) **10/10**

  • Davon Von

    1/2 I'll admit, I was very close to just giving up on this topic, considering the disagreements on many things regarding this game, like how all classes are balanced (someone actually typed that) or how all of the suggestion I put would be making the game less fun, when I'm not sure how it would. That second one was directed at you, since you said it. That, and I'm prone to simply giving up while I'm ahead, and my self-esteem already defaults to "you're a fucking idiot" on repeat in my head, and I'm trying to stop doing that. But a bunch of people telling me that my ideas suck without much to go about why is not helping. Regardless, I'll try to see what you wrote here and respond. > What you disagree on is how. Which is fair. But you're kind of saying "People don't know how to balance a game but here's my opinion of how to do it". It is opinion. An opinion that, at least from my perspective, at least has some thought and backing to it. Plus, I may be one guy, but I can be very persistent if need be. > Competitive games should always be balanced top-down. Bottom-up is a failure. I think I need to hammer this home. I'm well aware of this. In fact, almost all of my proposed changes that I've told you about were things that the average pubbie would go against simply because they think it's too hard, and some of the nerfs I proposed on things were precisely because they are too good in a pro setting but fine in a pub setting. For an example of both, Pyro and Scout. Regarding Pyro I think we have a different idea of what is annoying in game, at least to a point where you can't compromise. Pyro's afterburn is NOT one of those things. Not in the slightest. You say it's annoying, I say Tinker in Dota is annoying. Tough. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be tweaked, but to people saying afterburn needs to be removed is like the people I've seen say Tinker shouldn't rearm Boots of Travel, taking away his best mobility tool. It merely bogs the game down and loses uniqueness. This is why game developers can't trust players, no matter how good, in actually balancing the game, unless they have some experience with these principles I've been talking about. And if you've noticed, out of all my proposed changes, can you find one which goes against the purpose of a class or why they are unique or what they should be good at or bad at? You will probably find something, but you must remember that the numbers are what counts. When I say Heavy should get more movespeed, I mean movespeed matching Soldier (80%). Still the slowest class by a long shot, as he should be. That was a tangent; back to Pyro. The main proposed changes I've suggested on that post were not the full story whatsoever. I didn't even mention how the flamethrower would be easier to aim with by making particles faster yet last a shorter time. Sure, lag compensation will still kill them, not much I can do about that, but you balance around an ideal environment yeah? In addition to the flames being easier to hit with, afterburn wouldn't activate off of one particle, but instead around a third of a second of consistent hits. This makes it less annoying, but since the burn actually does stuff for the team, it is worth it. Pubbies aren't going to aim well enough to burn, or to even capitalize on it with their team, but it ain't for them. On top of this, I would program the burn damage to be a parabolic decrease, so most of the damage is done almost immediately, while doing very little at the end of the burn. This is to put a spin on the common "more dps, less duration" suggestion I see for afterburn, which is a good idea, but still be able to make the debuffs it gives more worth it by lasting longer, but only if someone is pursuing or attacking, else it'll do less for the Pyro. Do you think uncoordinated teammates are going to truly capitalize on afterburn damage amp compared to pros? I don't think so, which is why I've been so persistent with those particular changes. That was a bit long... next! > Yes. It's dying and there's not a whole lot we can do until... can you guess who the finger is getting pointed at? I'll leave it ambiguous despite it being exceptionally obvious just for effect. Until someone gets their head out of their ass and starts doing their job as developers. Oh fuck, spoiled it. lol XD Though to be fair, the TF team's main problem is not having enough people working on it consistently. Blame Valve as a whole for that, not just them. > His point is that the vast majority of X should be viable at any given time. All of the games he references (Magic, Fighting games, his own shit) are all 1v1 games. Team Fortress 2 is not. I kept that in mind while reading through, just so you know. I didn't really use his stuff for this, but more for other projects I've been planning. > No game is truly balanced is the takeaway from this post. Nothing will be perfectly tuned and there will always be flaws. The other takeaway is that the whole picture is exceptionally important in consideration with balancing. People always seem to misinterpret my reasoning for changing the game so much is that I want "perfect balance" where all classes are used the exact same amount of time. Why would I chase an impossible goal? But what I do want to prevent is when something is so bad that it should be ignored or so good it should be run full time all the time. It won't be perfect, but it'll be damn better than what we have now. As for the whole picture, I try to find interactions that might be problematic when thinking about balancing suggestions. Also, I mentioned Soldier as one class I wouldn't change much because I was going by stock only. Almost all unlockables need to be looked at to avoid redundancies and "must-haves" in the system, and the Soldier is no exception, but I've been using him as the basis for balance changes because he, from a stock perspective, one of the more balanced classes in this game. > Point being, the classes on their own may seem inherently imbalanced, but looking at their place in the game helps to better justify things. No one has yet to give compelling reasons as to why some classes being able to do most everything efficiently while others only do a small amount of things those aforementioned could simply do anyway is a good and balanced system. You might say, "that's how the game was designed". I'd say the design is faulty in that case. I don't want Heavies to be able to easily advance. It's one reason why I didn't like the GRU the moment I knew of its existence. It takes away a weakness that makes the class what they are. However, I shouldn't expect a Demo to be able to defend themselves easily, or at least without *much* difficulty, since that was one of the weaknesses that the class should have. But at the moment, Demo is good at defending himself on the fly against everyone except Scout. As such, I can't expect a class lacking a weakness it was designed to have as balanced, no matter how much people here want to think otherwise. Don't get me wrong, Demo should have a lot of damage, but it should not be without consequence, and at the moment, it isn't enough. It's why he's always picked, because he can do almost everything, even stuff most of the so called "specialists" do. > "... a game can actually be balanced at the "professional" ... Meaning, sometimes a strategy will be way too powerful -- a dominant strategy -- at all levels of play except for the very highest." Right, this game isn't balanced at all. There are plenty of games where that's entirely true as well. DoTA, Counterstrike, Overwatch, TF2 all suffer from pubstomp syndrome. Keep this quote in mind. Note that this can still go both ways. A dominant strategy at only high levels of play, a strategy that should always be used, is equally bad, if not worse. > Focus on map play. Most of TF2's standard maps are shit. Most of the ones played competitively and CP maps are actually extremely well designed. There are a lot of good points about what to not do in map design, like completely open maps that are one giant sniper sightline. That isn't to say you can't have them, but to balance the map accordingly. Believe it or not, but I was planning on changing up some maps to be better than what they are now. Mostly old ones, like Gold Rush. > This study highlights that the more advanced player preferred more complex maps. This is nothing new. It's still good to know. ;p

  • Rahsaan Cassin

    OYS: 03012017 Mission: **Become a man who does not need affection or validation. Do what makes me happy, and live as if I am a single, prosperous and masculine man that women want to earn attention and affection from.** THE BAD: **DL-7:** I haven't been good at implementing dread levels 7 and 8. I've immersed myself in DL6 (studying pickup) with videos and blogs to the point where I have a pretty good academic understanding of it but haven't had much more than a handful of practical experiences over the past year practicing it with varying success. This is my current drive. **Physical appearance:** The wife and I went on a trip to southeast Asia last month (more on that below) for an anniversary trip and both came back with a little bit of the "Turkish Trots." This resulted in an unintended "cut" for me. I lost about 5 pounds (down to 170 from 175 at 5'11") but I think it's mostly water weight and possibly some fat from all the walking around we did for 10 days. **Finances/Career:** Our finances have never been shit but they could be better. Part of the problem, if I'm being honest, is that we probably bit off slightly more mortgage than we should have when we bought our house several years back. We live comfortably, aren't in debt and contribute handsomely to retirement and kids college accounts but we don't have much left over every month after that. I've taken full accountability for the decision to buy the house even though the wife was pushing for it for validation and "keeping up with friends" reasons. I was too BP when we bought it to set a boundary and tell her fucking "no" like I should have. Add that to the list of shit I should have done pre-RP. I've even voiced my 'taking of ownership' of the house decision to her when money is tighter than normal. The other side of the coin is that I have my dream job. I love the job and the work I do. It pays well but I could be making more elsewhere. I'm on a fixed income schedule with modest raises every year until I want to go for a supervisory position. I could probably leave it for a higher paying job but I don't want to. I fought hard and put in a lot of effort to get this job and I'll probably see it through to retirement (the retirement package is good). My job has a mandatory retirement age that still leaves time for finding a good retirement job to earn extra income. **The Tally:** I'm a spreadsheet guy..... there I said it. I know I should drop this bullshit but in the beginning it helped me see progress (when it was made) now it's a gay habit I can't quite let go of. **DL4 and Getting ahead of my MAP**. My increasing value still doesn't elicit from her the sexual effort that I want from a woman. I have premature thoughts of DL10 sometimes but women aren't exactly beating down my door to suck my dick. As I said above, I haven't put myself out there for DL7 with any degree of consistency or max effort to properly gauge how I'd fare in the SMP so this is my next focus. Until I'm successful in being attractive to all women, I can't go to DL10. I'm reading Practical Female Psychology now and am coming to terms with the possibility that the wife is likely a LD (low sex drive) woman somewhere on the line between HSE and LSE (high and low self-esteem). She exhibits traits of both but probably more on the HSE side. Blue pill vetting got me here. The Red Pill and my improvements will get me out. THE GOOD: **Hobbies:** I checked out a new open jam venue that could be something I do regularly in addition to my other weekly music gig. Gets me out and gets me meeting more people. **Lifting:** I'm still going with my revised SL5x5 plan which I converted to a 4x10 Hypertrophy focused workout (after 13 months of doing SL5x5). Same lifts as SL but I lowered the weight for 4x10 (more overall volume) and I've added in bi, tri and shoulder auxiliary lifts to build a more "top heavy" frame. I've upped my caloric intake by about 500-600 calories a day with an extra shake in the evening. I'm a hard-gainer/ectomorph type and I really want to see what I'm capable of so will maintain this extra caloric intake until I deem it's not necessary or I want to cut. That, and I'm trying to recover from the four day "diarrhea cut." **Leadership and providing Fun:** Took a 10 day vacation to SE Asia with the wife recently. I planned the transportation, hotels and daily activities and logistics when in country. We both had a great time. I made certain that I would have a good time with or without her before I even left the U.S. as I mentally told myself this trip is for ME and she's coming along. The trip lended itself to a lot of taxis, trains, boats and other fun but questionable transportation, which my wife doesn't always handle well because she has pretty chronic motion sickness. I provided encouragement and comfort when necessary and to be honest she did pretty well save for a few times where she sort of lashed out at me when really feeling sick (picture a wife taking snipes at her husband during childbirth). At times she also likes to play the "princess card" when things didn't go exactly as planned or were a little less than luxurious, to which I AM or just ignore. This used to really irk me but now I find it entertaining. The best way I can describe this is the dynamic between Indiana Jones and the chick in Temple of Doom. These little princess phases were usually brief and I was able to AM it and have fun. Calling her "your highness" or "princess" and then laughing. This usually got a positive reaction out of her and showed her I wasn't playing in her frame but was amused by it. Basically, I let her work out her own emotions and guess what... everything was fucking fine. The trip was a validation and feelz boost for her as she would make Facebook posts of all the exotic adventures we were on (planned by me). She was getting the feelz and validation from friends and loving it. Several times she thanked me for handling all of the logistics like communicating and bargaining with taxi drivers, setting up excursions, finding food and making flight reservations. The last day of the trip is worthy of Mini-FR about enforcing boundaries, maintaining frame and tingles. Too long for this post so I'm linking it in a comment [below](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5wmvbo/own_your_shit_weekly_february_28_2017/dee7pc5/).

  • Rhianna Schulist

    Buckle up because this is a long one. Probably the longest post you will ever read on reddit. Semi NSFW. All names have been changed. TL;DR at the end. Exactly 2 years and a week ago I had my 21st birthday party. I had it a week before my birthday (today) because all my best friends are military and they have drill weekend the first weekend of each month. Before I get into the events there I need to give you a bit of back story. First, I am incredibly awkward. Second it started before the party. I have (or had, haven't seen her recently) a friend who we almost dated about four times. I was hanging out at her place when she gets a snap from her friend. A smoking hot blonde in lingerie. I turned to my friend and said, "Emily, who is this?" "Oh that's my friend Kath." "Emily, you are going to introduce me to her, right?" "Hahaha maybe, we'll see." So Emily sends Kath a snap back of us saying, "This is my friend Roonie. Don't worry, he didn't see though." Kath responds, "Oh, I don't mind if her did." It was a full body picture and I gotta tell you, she is probably the most beautiful individual I have ever seen. Nothing happens of it though for a few months. Then my best friend Cater and I decide to throw a gigantic 21st birthday party because fuck it, I haven't been to a large one before (I'm a nerd, just look at my subreddit history) and he was in an apartment for the first time. About 70 people show up (no that is not an exaggeration. There wasn't room to move. We invited about 40, 30 RSVP ed that they'd make it and all of them brought friends.) I had no idea how it started until I told this story to a friend later. I was hammered beyond belief. Here is how that friend told me the story. "You were sitting on the couch talking to your friend. I think her name was Emily." "Ok." "This girl (Kath) walks over." "Ok." "She sits in your lap." "What?" "And you just look up at her and say, 'oh... hello.' Not in the 'oooooh HEEELLLLLOOOoooo' way but the, 'oh, what the fuck are you doing and why are you in my lap?' "ooook." "and she just leans in, and starts making out with you." So we were making out all around the party and this is where I begin to remember things again. She eventually says to me, "You know we should get a room." I hadn't gotten laid in almost a year at that point so I said, "YEAH WE SHOULD." So I go up to my friend Carter and say, " sooooooooooo..... do you mind?" All credit to him. He is a true bro and just sighed and said, "Just not on my bed." Sadly for us, his room was the only one open for the bathroom. I start asking my friends to leave and not so subtly explaining the situation. Meanwhile Kath climbs ontop of the bed and says, "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT." Of course that doesn't work. So Kath grabs me by the arm and shoves me into the bathroom and just says, "wait here," and shuts the door. I'm too drunk to understand what is going on so I am just standing there in the corner. My friend Emily comes in and just says, "You, me, Kath, threesome." "Wh-what?" "You, me, Kath, threesome." "Uhhhh ok." "Great! I'll see you in a bit," and she leaves shutting the door. I'm left in there alone again smiling to myself in the mirror wondering how the hell my life got to this point and still questioning if it is real. Enter Emily's roommate Hailey. She walks in, "Oh hey Roo- Roonie what are you doing in here?!" "Uhhh, to be honest I'm not really sure anymore." "Oh, well mind if I take a piss?" "uhhhhhh." "Great, thanks." She drops her pants, and starts taking a piss. "So you and Kath hmmmm?" "Uhhhhh yeah," I say with a smile. "That's cool. That's cool." At this point I don't know how to carry on the conversation so I ask, "So uhhh, got any tips?" "Weellllll..." She pauses. "She does have a boyfriend." "What!?" "But you do you! It's your birthday!" "UHHHHHHH!" "Go have fun! I'll see you later." She gets up and leaves. At this point I am panicking. I have a beautiful woman who wants to sleep with me but after having seeing the effects that cheating has had on many close family and friends I am conflicted. I walk out of the bathroom, still unsure of what I am going to do just as Kath gets the last person out and shuts the door. She comes up to me, wraps her arms around me and shoves me onto the bed. She begins to lean in. "SO listen. I can't do this anymore." She hesitates. "Why?" "Well, Hailey kinda told me that.... you have a boyfriend." "So?" "Soooooo, I'm not ok with this." "Oh he's thousands of miles away he will never find out." "I'm still not ok with it." "Don't be a pussy." I then start panicking. This girl obviously has a low self-esteem if she is willing to sleep with me. I got to find a way to let her down but do it gently. So I start saying things such as, "Look you're beautiful, smart, funny (apparently I had talked to her at some point) and all around pretty cool and if you were single I would totally sleep with you but I can't," and things along those lines. This goes on for about 40 minutes. All the while she is still trying to make advances. Eventually she starts crying. I don't know what to do. She says, "This is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in over two years. Thank you Roonie." Keep in mind she is still on top of me at this point. I just say, "It's true but I really don't want to do this." "Thank you. Thank you. Say, do you mind if I go back to your place tonight?" .... Didn't we just have a long conversation about why she couldn't? So I respond with, "Why?" "Because, I really want to go back to your place tonight." "Why?" "Well I came from Emily's place and she left because her friend was throwing up so I am not sure if I can get back into my place since my stuff is at hers." I sit there and think about it before agreeing that she could. We gather up our things and head out the door. Carter is waiting there in the kitchen expectantly. I look at him with a mildly horrified look on my face shaking my head, mouthing "Nothing happened I'll explain later." That'll do it for part 1. I have to head out to hang with Carter now. **TL:DR of part 1** Girl wants me to sleep with her. I find out she has a boyfriend from her friend pissing on a toilet with me in the room. She ends up coming back to my place anyway where Part two will have more chaos including a roommate who is too intoxicated, death threats, and a forgotten jacket. If you read through the whole thing congratulations. The total story takes me half an hour to tell in person and this is taking even longer to write. I am meeting some friends out for drinks for my birthday but if there are requests I will continue the story.

  • Zackary Wilkinson

    Intelligence Quotient; a scientifically researched based assessment of a sentient beings (being that is able to process reality) in order to approximate a material "estimate" (in this case a deviation of average scores based on the population, this is the reason IQ is often thought of just a "number" because of how it is expressed) of a person's overall Cognitive potential. (Skip to the middle paragraphs for direct links where you can read more without my opinion and also access accurate online semi-assessments) Over a 100 years of research still continue to prove that there is an incredibly significant connection between a person's ability to solve logic-fluid, simple knowledge-based "problems" such as Raven Matrices and how the rest of their life aligns (literally all aspects of life, from relationships to financial status) as long as there isn't any other impairment to that sentient beings mind. Mental illnesses, abuse, or just life, in general, can affect how intelligence manifests in humans severely, leading to a lot of misconceptions and misunderstanding. I urge you to google more on this if you're interested. As understanding how IQ is relevant to real life can help you in many ways, from understanding personal limits to seeing the big "picture" based on population results. Because research has been so vast (millions of humans have participated in IQ based research by now) there is an incredible amount of correlations out there. Before I must warn you, though, I.Q. isn't a "ranking" system (this type of perception have created an incredible amount of colloquial and general distaste for accepting what research shows), it's an assessment of PURE COGNITIVE Potential in a CONTROLLED environment. Also once again because of the amount of research done, there are correlations that often seem to not make sense. Example: A person's IQ can successfully predict in a statistically significant way how successful someone is at PHYSICALLY COORDINATING their motor skills (Like walking, shooting a basketball, pouring a drink) when they're impaired by distortion glasses (they mess with your vision such as turning what you see upside down) and some substances like alcohol. Anyway don't just take my word for it, if I wasn't lazy I would link you many things to prove my statements but you can google the phrases i use and I'm sure you'll find some research papers and articles, make sure they are either .gov .edu links or something that seems like a research paper, not an article first, then you can read articles that might provide an opinion on the research. Actually, you can start here http://www.academicjournals.org/journal and here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/if you want pure research papers. You can also check out the [wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence_quotient) page on IQ and also use the footnotes to access the direct sources to the claims there. I personally believe understanding I.Q. can lead to a positive experience in a human's life, as there are also ACCURATE simple Raven Matrices tests that can predict your range such as Danish Mensa's logical fluid assessment. (Mensa is an I.Q. Authority Community) [Here](https://mensa.dk/sites/default/files/iqtest.html) If you have normal color vision and if you're colorblind or would simply prefer it black and white [here](https://mensa.dk/sites/default/files/iqtest.html). Make sure flash player is enabled on your browser or the site might behave weird/not work, sometimes even asking you to save the flash file, DO NOT do this, just make sure Flash player is ON in your browser options, in Chrome it is in the "content settings" option within the Settings page) Now note these are not full assessments only Raven Matrices which would be about 1/3-1/4 of a full I.Q. assessment which usually can only be done through mental health authorities or I.Q. communities like Mensa and usually has Text, Verbal, Aural, and Diagram based categories. So those links can predict your RANGE within a deviation, in an example you get 120 as your score, this would mean you're in the 115-130 range depending on other parts of the assessment. Make sure to not be tired or in a none efficient mental state when doing them as you want your pure logic to be expressed. This can tell you an incredible amount of your personal potential (especially if you feel you are disadvantaged but are unsure because of self-esteem issues etc) and help you better assess your actions. Even if your score is average (most of you will since, well that's how math works :P) or lower than average you can use it to learn to trust yourself, such as choosing not committing too hard to mentally intensive things that you may not excel in but rather focus what you have based on your own specific conditions. ( ie: Not deciding to go to medical school but rather become a medical assistant, or deciding to not overload yourself with too many classes etc). I believe this will only increase your success as you may come to understand your life and the world much more. Like I said earlier it can provide a lot of "Big picture" perspective that can be hard to accept unless you see it researched and replicated. ****(This is a saved/pasted post some links may not work)****

  • Frankie Paucek

    ****For anyone interested in learning about REAL IQ now that you're annoyed by these Click baits.**** Intelligence Quotient; a scientifically researched based assessment of a sentient beings (being that is able to process reality) in order to approximate a material "estimate" (in this case a deviation of average scores based on the population, this is the reason IQ is often thought of just a "number" because of how it is expressed) of a person's overall Cognitive potential. ****(Skip to the middle paragraphs for direct links where you can read more without my opinion and also access accurate online semi-assessments)**** Over a 100 years of research still continue to prove that there is an incredibly significant connection between a person's ability to solve logic-fluid, simple knowledge-based "problems" such as Raven Matrices and how the rest of their life aligns (literally all aspects of life, from relationships to financial status) as long as there isn't any other impairment to that sentient beings mind. Mental illnesses, abuse, or just life, in general, can affect how intelligence manifests in humans severely, leading to a lot of misconceptions and misunderstanding. I urge you to google more on this if you're interested. As understanding how IQ is relevant to real life can help you in many ways, from understanding personal limits to seeing the big "picture" based on population results. Because research has been so vast (millions of humans have participated in IQ based research by now) there is an incredible amount of correlations out there. Before I must warn you, though, I.Q. isn't a "ranking" system (this type of perception have created an incredible amount of colloquial and general distaste for accepting what research shows), it's an assessment of PURE COGNITIVE Potential in a CONTROLLED environment. Also once again because of the amount of research done, there are correlations that often seem to not make sense. Example: A person's IQ can successfully predict in a statistically significant way how successful someone is at PHYSICALLY COORDINATING their motor skills (Like walking, shooting a basketball, pouring a drink) when they're impaired by distortion glasses (they mess with your vision such as turning what you see upside down) and some substances like alcohol. Anyway don't just take my word for it, if I wasn't lazy I would link you many things to prove my statements but you can google the phrases i use and I'm sure you'll find some research papers and articles, make sure they are either .gov .edu links or something that seems like a research paper, not an article first, then you can read articles that might provide an opinion on the research. Actually, you can start here http://www.academicjournals.org/journal and here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/if you want pure research papers. You can also check out the [wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence_quotient) page on IQ and also use the footnotes to access the direct sources to the claims there. I personally believe understanding I.Q. can lead to a positive experience in a human's life, as there are also ACCURATE simple Raven Matrices tests that can predict your range such as Danish Mensa's logical fluid assessment. (Mensa is an I.Q. Authority Community) [Here](https://mensa.dk/sites/default/files/iqtest.html) If you have normal color vision and if you're colorblind or would simply prefer it black and white [here](https://mensa.dk/sites/default/files/iqtest.html). Make sure flash player is enabled on your browser or the site might behave weird/not work, sometimes even asking you to save the flash file, DO NOT do this, just make sure Flash player is ON in your browser options, in Chrome it is in the "content settings" option within the Settings page) Now note these are not full assessments only Raven Matrices which would be about 1/3-1/4 of a full I.Q. assessment which usually can only be done through mental health authorities or I.Q. communities like Mensa and usually has Text, Verbal, Aural, and Diagram based categories. So those links can predict your RANGE within a deviation, in an example you get 120 as your score, this would mean you're in the 115-130 range depending on other parts of the assessment. Make sure to not be tired or in a none efficient mental state when doing them as you want your pure logic to be expressed. This can tell you an incredible amount of your personal potential (especially if you feel you are disadvantaged but are unsure because of self-esteem issues etc) and help you better assess your actions. Even if your score is average (most of you will since, well that's how math works :P) or lower than average you can use it to learn to trust yourself, such as choosing not committing too hard to mentally intensive things that you may not excel in but rather focus what you have based on your own specific conditions. ( ie: Not deciding to go to medical school but rather become a medical assistant, or deciding to not overload yourself with too many classes etc). I believe this will only increase your success as you may come to understand your life and the world much more. Like I said earlier it can provide a lot of "Big picture" perspective that can be hard to accept unless you see it researched and replicated. ****(This is a saved/pasted post some links may not work)****

  • Rogers Howe

    I suspect you're correct in broad strokes, but I think some of this may be more or less pronounced in certain geographies. In my experience with AMWF dating in large, diverse coastal metropolitan areas (so I can't speak to smaller, predominantly white cities), I (and my friends who have had similar relationships) have had few encounters with what you are describing, and certainly not to the extent you've outlined. Of course, we're still just a few data points that may not represent the big picture, but just providing another perspective: > 1) You're going to get stares. People are going to look at you, even surreptitiously, but you're going to feel it, and you're going to feel their beady little maggot eyes perving at you two and judging you and her especially. Especially if she's a quality WF and not a hambeast; we're talking chicks like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJRfadDXWp4. You're also going to get stares from asian women but personally i havent felt the animosity from them the way i've felt it from other white men and women. True - while I've definitely gotten stares from whites, it's mostly of curiosity and not disdain. And that's perfectly valid to be curious IMO, because AMWF is still not common. On occasion, I have gotten comments, but they've never been anything malicious (e.g. more of the "you guys are such a cute couple" variety). Now, would it be great if things were normalized and people didn't feel the need to stare or go out of their way to make a comment? Sure. But it's never risen to the level of being a "problem". In fact, it's almost always Asians, both men and women, who are much more vocal and surprised that you're dating a non-Asian. Could it be that my white friends and white strangers were talking behind my back? Sure, but I have no reason or evidence to believe that was happening to any significant extent. >2) They're not going to respect the relationship: It's to be expected that if you have a quality girl, and even if you're married to her, that other people are going to hit on her. White men especially will make it a point to try to come onto her and some of her white friends may even gaslight her. Hell, the entirety of white anglo society is against the relationship given the media, the culture and the strange fixation white anglo society has towards asian penis sizes. I have never had anyone, Asian, white or otherwise, come up to me when we were out, and aggressively hit on my white gfs in front of me. Disrespecting your relationship because of your race, IMO, is generally not the issue; it's more of whether they think they can get away with it in general. Of course race might into play on some level, but if it's clear your gf is into you and is going to tell them to fuck off/embarrass them, or if you look like you're a formidable dude (not necessarily physically, but rather someone who will stand their ground), then people typically won't pull shit like that. >3) Career sabotage will become familiar: As if being made to live as second class citizens in white anglo society wasnt bad enough, and as if the bamboo ceiling didnt make life harder than it has to be, and as if anti asian AA discrimination policies in education and work didnt make life harder for Asian men, we now have to deal with the fact that having a quality WF calling you her boyfriend, means jealous WM will actively try to sabotage you, your work, your career, or your very sense of self. I've had no less than 3 black and white friends who turned on a dime when my relationship status was known. Previously decent WM mates would become insecure mudsill scrabbling gaslighters, it was sad to see and it's a trait i'm observing to become more and more common as AMWF pairings become more and more ubiquitous throughout life and media. Wait... what? I'm sorry that happened to you because that really sucks, but is this really a common thing? Career sabotage? Turning on you? That sounds like a very extreme reaction to interracial dating that I've never experienced. Have friends teased me about people I've dated on account of race? Sure. May some of that have come from a racially-motivated insecurity? Maybe, I have no clue. But to go as far as trying to sabotage your career and self-esteem? That just sounds like them being a shitty person, and not indicative of some kind of pervasive reaction against AMWF dating. >Fact of the matter is, brothers, is that the true test of the white man's sincerity when he claims to accept Asians is whether or not he'll gladly part with his own daughter, sister, cousin, childhood crush to you and not just as a one night thing either, but in raising a family and (here's the key point) raising the children in a Asian cultural upbringing? Is the white man in question, willing to see his grandchildren become sinicised? IMO, this is a poor metric to determine the "acceptance" of Asians by Whites. When it comes to raising a family, there is a huge confounding factor of culture that comes into play. Asian culture and White culture still remains very different, and Whites can accept Asians as equals without wanting to take on their qualities. With zero malice towards Asians as a race, a WM may decide that they want their kids to look like them, speak like them, and think like them. Similarly, despite having dated WFs and having no ill-feelings towards whites in general, I can't imagine a world in which my kid isn't full Chinese, or a world in which I force my parents to speak broken English to white in-laws for the next 20+ years. I'm not trying to downplay the racism that is present against Asians, but in order to be taken seriously, we have to be careful not to attribute every struggle we face to systemic racism without strong proof. It's one thing to say that AM struggle in dating because of white worship or western media's portrayal of AM, but it's a leap to say that, as a general matter, WM will actively try to sabotage you when they see you in an AMWF relationship.

  • Favian Lesch

    I've read your story on your other post and I perceived so many similarities with my own story that it almost hurt me. I definitely sympathize with you. To be honest, I was forced from birth to the end of grade school to have extremely short haircuts (some of your pics reminded me of my own hair after it manages to grow a bit) in addition of wearing cheap boys' clothes that my father refused to replace even when I outgrew them (my torn (from use not style) jeans went from my ankles to half my calf and I had to squeeze myself into them and when he finally replaced them, he bought oversized boys clothes). I was mistaken for a boy for most of my life. My hair was a source of distress for me growing up. I remember being 5 yo and just envying, WANTING sailor mars' beautiful long hair and I remember as a kid, drawing myself with long hair and girl characters with always long hair. I also remember my mother pulling barrettes out of my hair at eight yo saying that I didn't deserve pretty things. She also tormented me in "grooming sessions" where I cried from the pain of her pulling my hair. Because she noticed that I cried, she usually shook me with her hands around my neck while screaming in my face that she would snap my neck or beat me with a bamboo on the back, legs and buttocks stick to stop me from crying or "faking a tantrum". I usually ended up crying even more because of fear and pain (I was a sensitive person, still am though I now think that it has its advantages to be so). Afterwards, she would take off my clothes and force me to stand on a stool for an extended period of time and saying that she would beat me up again if I fell from the stool (unfortunately, I remember falling off a few times and the results weren't pretty). My father also forced my mother to have a short haircut and I remembered her just looking lifeless and almost soulless when she got home from the hair parlor without her pretty long raven hair (one of the first things she did after her divorce was growing out her hair again). Your story with the stylist reminded me of a nice hairdresser I met. I remembered bending myself in half in order to beg my father to not force me to cut my already short hair. The nice woman then just trimmed a bit of my hair. After she finished, my father screamed "shorter" and she just cut off a little bit more. After my father barking "shorter" for a while, I almost had a buzzcut. I remembered the hairdresser being uncomfortable and looking guilty during all the process and she finally stood up to my father saying that she refused to cut anymore of my hair because my scalp would be seen. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I remembered feeling respect and appreciation for this person and her empathy. After High School, I was in a period where I was just deeply depressed and where my social anxiety just reached its peak. I really didn't feel like going to the hair parlor my father preferred and being subjected to seeing the Asian lady owner gossip loudly with her female friends on why I didn't have a mother (however, I really respected the nice hairdresser that just refused to participate in the gossiping). Anyway, I managed to avoid having my hair cut although my father reminded each day that my longish hair made me look "mentally ill". Anyway, after it reached my shoulders, my father started on commenting that it made me look more attractive. Strangely, I noticed that since I looked prettier and more feminine in his eyes, he started treating me better and lending a better ears to my opinions and considering them (some of his compliments on my looks and my body (particularly my breasts) just truly freaked me out). Anyway, concerning your situation, I get the feeling that your mother actually has low self-esteem (an interesting study that I read observed that the more people were narcissistic, the lower was their self-esteem unconciously measured) and feel like she lacks control on her own life and it makes her feel better, increase her self esteem to know that she still has some control over you. I sympathize with you, because I was raised while being conditioned for feeling bad to waste things, but I just say to throw away the coupons because they are just not worth it (or maybe if it is possible, maybe use them instead to buy hair products, getting colored strands, a hair wash, a perm, braiding your hair into a faux-hawk or anything else you may fancy instead?). I don't think that you are vain. I think that you want to look pretty or the way you like to be for yourself first andno one else and the guys are just a nice added bonus (maybe they are also more attracted because you look more confident and happier). Your story reminded me of Will Smith saying that he would let his daughter do whatever she wanted with her hair because no one had any right to ever control her body except herself and that if he did so, when she grew up, she would just replace him with a man that would do the same thing to her (he just really gained my respect with this statement). Your story also reminded me of Izabel Laxamana. It is a story of a girl that commited suicide jumping off a bridge after her father chopped off her long hair (some sicko even posted the video online) in order to shame her after she sent a picture of her in a sport bra to a boy (man, I jog in summer in a damn sport bra and really see nothing wrong with it).

  • Alvis Weber

    Creating discipline in yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Our brains are great at justification though. We are probably better at justifying our thoughts and actions than anything else we do. We have to be. If you really want to stop and take a glance at the big picture, the really big picture, of what meaning our lives have and will ever have, the answer kind of sucks. In the grand scheme of things we, and I mean all of us at the individual level, are completely and absolutely insignificant. There is quite literally nothing a human can do that will create any change, repercussion, or lasting effect on the cosmic scale. Our greatest leaders, our most brilliant minds, the most talented artists, all only matter for such a shockingly small blip on the timescale of the universe, that their overall net effect for good, evil, change, discovery, or any metric you can fathom is absolutely zero. By this logic, why should anyone try to do anything? If absolutely anything we can do has the power to affect absolutely nothing, why even bother living? To motivate ones self, we must create justification as to why our lives matter. Each persons will to live, their drive to act, create, work, or even exist is completely different. Although, arguably they can be grouped quite effectively into different base categories. Nothing I can tell you is going to mean anything until you've effectively justified to yourself why exactly you want to be more disciplined. Once you have that bit figured out, and you have a really solid reason that creates meaning and gives your personal justification something you really believe in, write it down. Make sure it is something that will continue to be meaningful for a reasonable length of time. Make the writing relatively short and sweet because your going to want to post it on your fridge, front door, bathroom mirror, wallet... somewhere that you are forced to read it not just every day, but every time you leave the house, make a purchase, etc. Someplace you read it multiple times per day, so depending on what your reason is, makes the placement of your reason for being the best person you can be somewhere you will actually read it before you do something that runs counter to that statement. Remember you are allowed to change your mind as you grow as a person, but don't let that be an excuse to make your reason for wanting to be disciplined weak. Otherwise you won't really be inclined to follow through. Now throughout the day, multiple times a day (set alarms on your phone if you need help remembering) mentally ask yourself the following questions (or similar): "What am I doing right now?" "Does this action I am doing fall in line with my stated reason for bettering myself?" If the answer is NO: "What should I be doing right now instead?" "Am I in a place (physically) that I am supposed to be?" "Are the people around me helping or hindering my goals/progress?" If the answer is YES: "Can I be doing this task better/more efficiently/ more effectively than what I am doing now?" "Are there people I can physically surround myself with who will make my goals easier to accomplish / motivate me to be a better person?" If the answer is NEITHER/DOES NOT APPLY: "What SHOULD I be doing right now?" "Is there a task (mental or physical) that would make me a better person that I could be doing instead?" Ask yourself these questions multiple times per day, and be honest with your answers. There is absolutely no point in doing this exercise if you are going to lie to yourself. Some other pointers include: Knowing your limitations. Never set yourself purposely up for failure. Failing is perfectly OK, and in fact will teach you far more about yourself than succeeding. But if you are going to implement impossible goals / deadlines for yourself, all you are accomplishing is either lowering your self esteem, or unnecessarily punishing yourself. Familiarize yourself with your personal point of "diminishing returns" There comes a point in any task where continuing on is actually more detrimental than calling it a day. This concept applies to tasks both mental and physical. If you have absolutely physically exhausted yourself, trying to lift more is going to result in injury. Similarly, with mental tasks, there is a point where getting some rest/ hitting reset for another day will accomplish more than frustrating yourself so much that you never want to try again. If you learn the indicators that you are nearing this point, stop before you start making mistakes that will end up costing you financially, physically, or mentally. Make adjustments as you go and life will become easier. Learn from others mistakes, admit when you are wrong, don't be lazy, know when to quit, don't compare yourself to other people. And always fake it until you make it! Sometimes simply pretending to be more disciplined than you are will actually make you more so. Nobody is born with discipline, we all have to learn it, some people just have personality traits that make learning it easier. But we all have the capability to be as disciplined as you are willing to train yourself to be. Above all, never give up.

  • Sibyl Murazik

    For some reason, many abusive men (1 in 6) start to abuse their significant other during pregnancy. It either has to to with his perception that she is not giving him as much attention, it could be because she is getting more attention from others and is resentful, but personally, I think the answer is behind door #3- that he truly feels like he owns her now. Not that it matters, the only thing that matters is that it is very dangerous for her and the baby. It does not change once the baby is born, it just gets worse with time. The fact that he abuses animals takes the whole thing up a notch. Now we are talking about a lack of empathy AND conscience. My ex was like that with animals and abused me after I became pregnant. He has since been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, or sociopathy, so those are significant red flags. I stayed with my abusive partner because I was pregnant when he abused me for the first time, and ended up feeling stuck for 14 years, so I will give you my advice from the standpoint of someone who has been there. I'll give you an idea of where her mind probably is, and what things people around me could have done to change my mind back then. It might be long, I apologize in advance. Right now she is in denial. She has seen him be nice and good to her, so she has a picture in her mind if what life would look like if he was that nice, sweet guy all the time. She has hope, and probably ideas of things she thinks can help him; go to anger management/raise his self esteem/reduce job stress/go to therapy/work out his childhood issues/get sober/ etc, etc. As soon as that happens, she is sure they will have a lovely, happy family and grow old together. She knows that if he just changed his abusive behavior, he'd probably make a great dad, too. Also, evolutionarily speaking, she is chock-full of pregnancy hormones that are telling her that she needs his help and support to take care of this baby, to insure that someone besides her has a vested interest in keeping her and the baby healthy. The life of a single mother is hard, and having two loving parents is best for any child. She is willing to put up with whatever he dishes out as long as it helps her child. First, I think you should buy her the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your gf and maybe you should read it too. When you read the book, you'll understand why I recommended it and how it can help you support her, and sometimes nudge her, through this. If you would like a pdf version, pm me your email address and I will send you one n/c. It will help her realize that all the excuses she makes for him are just that, excuses. He will not change. It is written by a man who pioneered the batterer intervention programs, designed to teach men to not be abusive, around the country and even he states that they really, truly, do not change. It will also show her that what she is going through is legitimate abuse. She probably does not see herself in the "abused woman" role. I know that's hard to believe, but denial is a hell of a drug. I had always seen the dv ads and posters that showed battered women with a black eye. I never had a black eye, so I was not really being abused (yes, it is that easy to pull the wool over your own eyes). He minimizes it, she protects herself by accepting the minimization, so "it's not that bad". Show her this chart http://imgur.com/e32Gzuc which will help her realize the extent of the abuse as well. So even if she sees and accepts that she's abused, she may want to stay "for the baby". She needs to understand that abusers grow up seeing abuse, and that if she continues with the relationship, it is very likely that a daughter will grow up to accept being treated that way, and a son will grow to treat his wife that way. So while she may think that staying together for the sake of the baby is the best thing to do, though statistically it is not. That same author has a book called "The Batterer As a Parent". Then she will have concerns like "How am I going to make it financially?". She may worry that he will fight her for custody. She will need a good support system from family. You can start looking into what her local DV shelter and other resources can help her with. Don't do all the work for her, sit down and make a plan with her, but she will need help. She has probably been told and came to believe that she won't make it without him. It's called learned helplessness. Your girlfriend can let her know that she's there for her and the baby no matter what. A fun, supportive aunt is better than an abusive dad any day of the week. I hid the abuse from my friends and family, because I knew they'd want me to leave, so you are lucky that you know what's going on relatively early. Just remember to be patient. If you push too much she will isolate herself with him. Remember that she has to leave him even though she still loves him. She has to accept that he could NEVER be that partner she pictured for the future and she has to mourn that. In that way it's very much like having a spouse die. He wasn't the person she thought he was, and he never can be, and that's heartbreaking.

  • Elijah Nader

    Premier episodes are tough to do. Not only must the show establish themes and introduce characters, it also has to grab the audience right off the bat. What's interesting in "Esteemsters" is that it manages to do all this while maintaining a casual pace. The plot, such as there is, barely even kicks in until about halfway through. Instead, the episode hinges on Daria as a character. So who is Daria, exactly? In this episode, she's intelligent (as shown in Mr. DeMartino's history class), sarcastic, and indifferent. This last bit is important. While her parents fret about her lack of popularity, it's clearly not something that bothers her. Daria is NOT an outcast. This is an important aspect of her character. High school's a pretty miserable time for everyone involved; we all wanted to find ourselves, make friends, meet that special someone, and maintain some kind of decent GPA. In this venue, I think Daria clicked not so much as someone who was necessarily like us, but someone we wished we could be. She's above all the crap (and a high GPA comes naturally to her). Just look at her initial reaction to the school: bored contempt. She doesn't seem particularly frustrated or hurt by how the nascent Fashion Club embraces Quinn. Seeing her blasé attitude is downright liberating to anyone who's been frustrated by the vagaries of campus popularity. To hell with everyone else; why not just be yourself? Well, there are reasons, but the show won't get to them until much later. In the context of the times, "Esteemsters" satirizes the emphasis on self-confidence that was so prevalent in schools of that era (for the record, I went to high school from 1998-2002). It's definitely a deserving target. Obviously, confidence is important, but it's only meaningful if it stems from actual accomplishment. And to become accomplished, you have to work at something and put yourself out there; memorizing self-help aphorisms really won't help. We've all heard the cliche about Millennials having become spoiled through getting too many trophies in return for minimal effort. That it made us think we deserved the world just for showing up. The truth is, we knew it was bullshit. We knew the trophies were just knee-jerk reactions from lazy-minded adults. When everyone got a trophy, we still knew who the winners and losers really were. And so did Daria. The way the show skewers the self-esteem movement is perfect. Mr. O'Neill is an accurate picture of bumbling good intention. He absolutely wants to make students feel better about themselves, but the only thing his program really nurtures is contempt for a transparently ridiculous system. His class demands almost nothing from the students, meaning they won't have anything to feel proud of. Likewise, he doesn't really put anything into it. Laziness feeds laziness. There's also a perverse chord of truth to Jane's comment about low self-esteem making her feel "special", even if she was being sarcastic. O'Neill's class babies the students, giving them minimal and largely meaningless attention that might make a few people feel good for a little while, but won't actually help anyone. Daria is a bit more aggressive in this episode than she is throughout most of the series. It's hard to imagine mid-series Daria taking her family to the Pizza Forest even to embarrass them. Far less effort to simply keep her distance. Daria's relationship with Quinn is established clearly in the opening scenes, and continues to be a rich source of conflict for future episodes. At this point, Quinn's not particularly sympathetic, and her denial of sisterhood is one of the few things that actually gets under Daria's skin. One wonders how she gets the school to forget the revelation at the assembly (though perhaps they were just humoring her). At this point (and for much of the early seasons) Quinn is simply a foil. Daria's introduction to Jane is done pretty quietly. No big drama, just two students finding common ground in the boredom of class. Plenty of us have had similar experiences. Daria is not all that invested in Jane at this point, which makes sense. She's navigating some pretty unfamiliar emotional territory, so her inclination is to keep things casual: watching TV, sharing answers, and so forth. It's a humble and believable start to one of TV's great friendships. One has to wonder what Daria's thinking about Jane. Is she just someone who seems marginally more tolerable than the rest of the student body? Or is there a real sense of kinship? The Daria Diaries suggests the latter, though it's not clear if that's what she felt in the first episode. Regardless, Daria's keeping a safe emotional distance, staying above everything like always. This will have repercussions. Hope that offered some insight into one of the most-discussed episodes in the series. I'll be happy to make more episode write-ups if anyone's interested, though I can't promise I'll do one for every episode (it does depend on my schedule).

  • Tatyana Marks

    I've read a lot of the comments on this thread and your responses to them. I understand your feelings that people seem to dehumanize pwBPD. You're right that everyone is different. This is especially apparent when your gf is in a good part of the cycle. You connect with her on a level that you've never connected with someone before. The two of you have had experiences together that you haven't had with anyone else. There probably has been problems or events that the two of you tackled together and overcame. The look in her eyes that you're her whole world and she needs nothing else. The bond you have is unique and real. Those feelings she has for you are real. But that's not all there is to her. She is also ill. And the nature of her illness is she will experience the exact opposite feelings. She will hate you and herself and the world in general. It's unfair because she didn't ask for the disease and didn't do anything herself to contract it like can happen with other diseases. She didn't ignore all kinds of health warnings and choose a lifestyle that increased her risk; she didn't get it from abusing drugs or a dirty needle. She didn't eat to excess or use tobacco or any other consciously chosen activity. She developed it or was born with it the same as someone with ALS or cystic fibrosis or muscular dystrophy or autism. It's not fair and we all know this. But there are certain illnesses where the nature of the illness itself prevents the person from seeking treatment and it affects how they treat others. That's how it is with narcissistic PD, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD and other similar conditions. I have an ex-wife with BPD and I remember something she said once. She said that sometimes when she looks at people it's like they're not really people; at times, it seems to her that the rest of us are robots with human faces and nothing really inside. That's given me a lot of insight into how pwPBD can do the things they do with complete disregard for how it affects us. Because at times, they dehumanize us. It's this aspect that causes people here to paint with such a broad brush. You're right that your gf is a person with unique qualities and the love you two have is a unique relationship and bond... when things are good. But when she's in a down cycle, that broad brush really does paint her accurately. The things she does at those times is the same that all pwBPD do when they're in that dark place. The people here aren't trying to make you hate her by creating some false two-dimensional caricature of her as a person. They're trying to help you avoid the destructive, vindictive person she becomes when her unfair illness causes her to dehumanize you. Which I will now do myself... * She won't change. At least not until *she* decides she will for her own reasons. And even then, the chances of her going through it fully are despairingly low. When she's suffering from the consequences of her destructive, dehumanizing behavior, she may recognize on an intellectual level that she needs to do something. But emotionally she will find it difficult, if not impossible, to accept that it's something she has to own. To do so would mean to truly accept that she does horrible things to others. And, again, the nature of her disease will almost certainly mean she can't. * Go back and read the horror stories people post here. God, there are so many. Get past the fact that they use that broad brush and compare the bad times you experience with the bad times you read about here. You say your gf isn't exactly like the common picture people present of their BPD loved ones? You're right, she's not. No pwBPD is exactly like any other one. But if you compare how your gf behaves to the behavior related here in the bad times related here, you'll see that she really does do the same damage in the same way and with the same results. Try to get past the psycho-evaluations and examinations of the motives and reasons behind the behavior. That's a bunch of us that have been hurt and devastated by a pwBPD. Compare the *behavior* and you cannot escape the correlations. * My advice, asked for or not, is leave. Now. From your post, she's not willing to apply herself to a real and lasting commitment to healing herself. It sounds like she's willing to take just enough Zoloft to not feel completely shitty, but hasn't truly internalized that she needs real help to fix a real problem. * Leave. Now. Before you find yourself married and with children. That will be a source of pain and damage for the rest of your life. Trust me on that. I know from personal, first-hand experience. * Leave. Now. Before she damages your friendships, family relationships and business opportunities. * Leave. Now. Before she erodes your confidence, self-esteem and even a surety of your own sanity. I wish you the best. But the best really is listening to what people here are telling you.

  • Santino Parker

    >So I recently moved into a new city for a job. The pay is okay, but I was worried about stability so I went online and made a profile on a sugar daddy website. I think you should think what stability means for you. What did you expect to get out of this type of relationship? What is stable to you and how through the website were you going to accomplish this. >I had an idea of what this sort of relationship would be like but I was not prepared for the amount of gifts and money Dean heaped on me. I'm sorry sweetheart but you have a self esteem problem. You deserve every once what he has given you. Why not? This is an seeking arrangement type of ordeal. You give your time/etc and he provides things. You obviously did not ask for "all" of gifts/etc because your implying its too much. If he choose to give this why don't you deserve it? You do. >Of course, in reciprocation I would essentially be his girlfriend in every sense of the word. No, your not his girlfriend. This is seeking arrangement. Unless, he said you are my girlfriend and ya'll talked about. You aren't. You are acting like one but you are not. Remember the point of the site. There are rare situations where things do develop in relationship sense but they are rare. >These past 3 months were fun, but everyday I feel more and more conflicted about our arrangement. My friends have found out and I think they're lowkey judging me. I feel terrible because I don't have actual feelings for Dean despite how well he treats me. With friends you aren't going to always get the stamp of approval for this type of thing. Things like this are frowned by society but at the same time society is very materialistic. If your friends, parents, society judgement is important to you. Then you don't need to doing this type of thing. You might want to look at "how" your friends found out and do some strategy to prevent more people from finding out, while your doing this type of thing. >But at the same time...I feel indebted to him. I feel like I owe it to him to stay and be his girlfriend to pay him back for everything he's given me. But at the same time I don't want to have this arrangement anymore. He is giving you what he wanted for the arrangement. You have paid him already with your time/etc. (This is the arrangement). There is nothing to owe, nothing to give back. You didn't say why you didn't want to be in arrangement anymore and that is fine (Its seems your very conflicted with your emotions feelings). You have your own free will and can leave anytime. >Please give me some advice...I feel like such a horrible person. I feel much older than I really am and I think I'm throwing away my youth. You need to define why you think your horrible person. Your not. Nor do I see how you are throwing away your youth. I assume it is because you feel your wasting your time with a kinda old man. >I should be dating fellow teenagers and having normal relationships instead of ones with such large age gaps. You are not technically dating him. Remember time/etc for money,gifts,etc. >My only other BF (we broke up a few weeks before I made the sugar daddy profile) was 20 when I started dating him at the age of 16. I feel like I grew up way too fast and that this initial relationship has kind of screwed me up. Well, if that relationship screwed you up. Identify who/why and attempt to heal from it. I would say your really not ready for this type of thing. I do not believe your maturity level is there in regards to fully understanding this type of a seeking arrangement relationship. Nor to fully understand a man point of view in these types of relationships. You would also have to deal with this relationship going against your morality ( your belief system of right and wrong ) long term this can cause other problems in life to cope with this. Your also dealing with self-esteem issues (mentioned above). I don't think your ready for this type of thing. I think it would be better if you stopped and went out with something that "fits" what you believe is right. Its up to you what you do and if choose to keep going with this, you learn to have more confidence/self esteem in yourself, clearer goals, better understanding of men in seeking arrangement relationships, understanding the bigger picture of people judging you. There are probably more things but this is what comes up to my mind. I hope you make the best decision for you. Remember you don't owe anybody anything.

  • Keeley Beier

    I was diagnosed as a kid in grade school and I was in denial most of my adult life. I'm 32 now and have finally realized the havoc it has caused in my life. Granted I'm still fairly successful at work however I struggle with a shitty memory, low self esteem, disorganized home life, depression, anxiety, OCD, and have no local friends (only Facebook). As an adult all I had allowed them to see/diagnose is the depression, anxiety and OCD. Besides when you go in talking about wanting to kill yourself the last thing they would jump to for a diagnosis is ADHD especially in an adult. Anxiety was brought in the picture because it's what led to the depression. Was treated 8 years for these with limited success. I mentioned my childhood diagnosis to my psychiatrist. She blew me off without proof. I managed to get a copy of a childhood diagnosis but it was very vague just showing that I had ADHD and all the appointments for "med check" and "therapy." It didn't even mention what I was taking and said the record was purged. It was 20 years ago what more do you want? I brought it in a few months later with a bunch of crap I had decided was "proof" (unpaid bills, uncompleted papers, etc) to which she just called me lazy. I got all stupid emotional and she raised her voice a bit yelling "I'm not giving you stimulants!" I said "I don't care if it's stimulants or not I just want some help!" "Isn't Strattera non-stimulant? Can we try that?" She agreed to let me give Strattera a try. I was pretty pissed off when I left but I guess it was enough to contact my high school. I ordered my entire school records and any IEPs they had on file. When I got it here there were two IEPs in there. Some of it made me cry a little bit (just a warning for you). I actually organized and tabbed it out highlighting some important stuff. I learned I have always had short term memory loss and apparently had a small issue w/ depression/anxiety when my mom was incarcerated (I was 9 what kid wouldn't feel that way in that situation?) but didn't remember any of this fortunately until seeing it on paper. The more recent one referred to me as "vivacious" and said nothing about depression or anxiety(at 15). I brought it in to my psychologist appointment last week and my psychologist was impressed how I had managed to get it and had tabbed it out. She said most people don't even have half that much info looking for a diagnosis. She was much nicer about it unlike my psychiatrist and I had my first psych appointment where I didn't fall apart and cry everywhere (3 weeks on Strattera by then not sure if that helped with this). She is going to give me some kind of test next week to see how much the Strattera is helping but it will probably be hard to tell without a pre medication test to balance it off of. I have another appointment next week with my psychiatrist. I'm bringing in the school records and maybe she will get more information off of those and see I'm not trying to bullshit her. Hopefully it will go better than I last one. I also got someone I can confide in at work to say he would come and possibly my boyfriend from at home which hit both areas. My advice to you is if you were diagnosed as a child attempt to get as much information about it as you can before going. Your high school should have kept or sent your records somewhere. You might have to pay to get a copy (mine was $17). If you had any IEPs they are required to keep some (all of mine weren't in there just two). This is the proof they are looking for. So many people go in there trying to get "diagnosed" for meds for college or selling or whatever that it seems to me when you really have a problem they don't want to take you seriously especially if you are somewhat successful at work, intelligent, or have kept the same job a long time (14 years for me). I guess never mind the fact I've wanted to kill myself twice, just because I can function at work without proper treatment doesn't mean it isn't hurting me inside all of the time. I'm tired of feeling stressed out all of the time and struggling just to be half as functional as the people I have watched get promoted at twice the pace I have been...

  • Esther Bernhard

    Hey pretty girl (wtf with you being ridiculed as ugly and a "monkey playing with pearls"!?! You look plenty cute. If anything, their archaic thinking and psychologically abusive behavior (controlling and insulting) make them the monkeys, the neandertals), Your picture made me do a double take right there (I rocked Sephora's Courtisane lipstick (smoky, dark red lipstick that goes perfectly with black dresses and rocker/punk/rockabilly outfits) almost everyday last winter (if your pretty purplish pink lipstick made you look like a old whore, I must be a super grandma whore making the final arrangements for her funeral)). I almost felt like watching the episode of American Dad where they caricature a radical islamist saying to his burka wearing wife to cover her eyes because she looks indecent. As you say, the main problem here is control. I feel that whatever you do or wear (even a damn burka) they'll find something to criticize you about. From observing my own parents and other seemingly pathologic Vietnamese adults, I get the feeling that the racism they face and the difficulty adapting to the new culture, they feel powerless. To prove to themselves that they have power and increase their self-esteem, they try to pettily and cowardly hurt people that cannot defend themselves against them (my paternal aunt made fun of my paraplegic grandma degrading health; they gang up to bully an "outcast" so that by their number, the victim would have less chances of defending him/herself (I called the Asian American circles my parents frequented as the "Holier Than Thu Associations of Gang Rapists", when I think of not frequenting them anymore, Michael Buble's "It's a Beautiful Day" just pop in my head). For why your mother would want you to look childish, I feel that she doesn't want to be reminded that her child is now grown that she is getting closer to old age, lost of beauty, disease and death herself. My therapist said that the key to deal with those people is to set clear boundaries. Stop them right away when they are doing something that makes you uncomfortable, clearly state that it is unacceptable and just ignore and walk away (out of the car, the house, etc.) without engaging confrontation if they persist. It might also be beneficial to tell your problem to people you trust in real life to have allies against them. If you want anecdotes about sexism, violence towards women and slut shaming in Vietnam, consistanly with an event that my father witnessed as a child that shocked him badly, a report from The United Nations in 2001, stated that there are reports in Vietnam of women accused (accused being the main key word) of adultery being beaten up in public places, stripped naked, shaved and having lime poured on their heads (Instead of just watching, I would probably call the police, mace the bastards and try to help the woman escape if that happened in front of me). My father stated that the woman he witnessed being attacked had to move because they continued to harass her even after her public aggression. He said that he knew people opening up a business specializing in attacking women that way and that there even was an acid attack on a woman. According to also a report I read, police in Vietnam were criticized on how they handle rape cases and rape victims (they asked the victims what they were doing in the place where they were rape in the first place, why did they wear what they wore, and sent the victims home with admonishments on their behavior while doing nothing to catch the rapist that will probably be targetting other women). I personally think that women that gang up to attack, insult, discriminate, bully, hurt other people are worth 1000 times less than a woman actually exchanging sex for money that doesn't participate in that kind of bullying behavior.

  • Sylvia Zboncak

    Congratulations on reaching out for professional help! That's awesome! **Quick advice and types of questions you may be asked by a professional** (If possible) Before seeing a professional, I recommend writing down any symptoms you're experiencing along with context like a brief summary. It can be hard to just write without any direction, so hopefully the questions below can help give some guidance. You don't have to write down your answers to all of these questions, although you are certainly free to do that. Keep in mind that the professional just wants to get a clear picture of your life, so that they can give you the best care possible. Their intention is NOT to interrogate you and get you to confess a crime. They want to help you get better, and in order to do that, they need to know details about your life! When you're finished, consider bringing this paper and just show it to the professional because that can take pressure off of you to perform on the spot! Here are the questions: >1. what would you like help with? >2. what are your symptoms? >3. when did your symptoms first start? >4. how long have your symptoms been going on for? >5. how severe would your symptoms on a scale of 1-10? Rate the quality of your life on a scale of 1-10. >6. how are your energy levels/motivation? High, normal, low, very low? >7. how is your appetite? Are you eating too much, too little, or a normal amount? >8. how is your sleep quality (good or bad)? How many hours of sleep per day? Do you feel well-rested? >9. have you lost interest in any hobbies or passions? >10. do you isolate yourself from others? >11. what is your school/social/work/home life like? (basically, the professionals want to know if your struggles are impacting different areas of your life and how much. For example, if you're in school and you're failing classes because you're depressed, it's important to say that you're failing classes) >12. how is your ability to focus and retain information? >13. do you think anything has contributed to the way you are feeling like the death of a loved one? >14. how are your stress levels? How stressed do you feel on a daily basis? Anything causing stress like work or school? >15. do you have a family history of depression/anxiety/anything else? >16. have you had any thoughts of ending your life and/or harming yourself? >17. have you harmed yourself or attempted suicide? >18. do you experience racing thoughts? >19. how would you describe your self-esteem? High, low, etc. >20. do you feel nervous often? When do you feel nervous? All the time? In front of others? Alone? >21. how would you describe your sex drive (none, low, medium, high?) >22. do you feel fatigued? How often are you fatigued/exhausted? >23. how often do your symptoms occur? Sometimes, all the time, rarely? >24. have you gained or lost weight recently? If so, how much? >25. do you experience any body aches? Joint pain? >26. do you feel like you move or talk slowly? Have others noticed this? >27. have you experienced a sudden onset of anxiety like a panic attack? how would you describe this panic attack/sudden experience of anxiety? Does it happen in crowds, alone at home, randomly, during sleep? >28. do you ever feel hopeless? If so, how often? Or like you've let yourself or others down? >29. are you taking any medication and/or supplements? If so, which ones and how much? >30. do you consume any drugs in a recreational manner? If so, how much and how often?

  • Adolphus D'Amore

    **Quick advice and types of questions you may be asked by a professional** (If possible) Before seeing a professional, I recommend writing down any symptoms you're experiencing along with context like a brief summary. It can be hard to just write without any direction, so hopefully the questions below can help give some guidance. You don't have to write down your answers to all of these questions, although you are certainly free to do that. Keep in mind that the professional just wants to get a clear picture of your life, so that they can give you the best care possible. Their intention is NOT to interrogate you and get you to confess a crime. They want to help you get better, and in order to do that, they need to know details about your life! When you're finished, consider bringing this paper and just show it to the professional because that can take pressure off of you to perform on the spot! Here are the questions: >1. what would you like help with? >2. what are your symptoms? >3. when did your symptoms first start? >4. how long have your symptoms been going on for? >5. how severe would your symptoms on a scale of 1-10? Rate the quality of your life on a scale of 1-10. >6. how are your energy levels/motivation? High, normal, low, very low? >7. how is your appetite? Are you eating too much, too little, or a normal amount? >8. how is your sleep quality (good or bad)? How many hours of sleep per day? Do you feel well-rested? >9. have you lost interest in any hobbies or passions? >10. do you isolate yourself from others? >11. what is your school/social/work/home life like? (basically, the professionals want to know if your struggles are impacting different areas of your life and how much. For example, if you're in school and you're failing classes because you're depressed, it's important to say that you're failing classes) >12. how is your ability to focus and retain information? >13. do you think anything has contributed to the way you are feeling like the death of a loved one? >14. how are your stress levels? How stressed do you feel on a daily basis? Anything causing stress like work or school? >15. do you have a family history of depression/anxiety/anything else? >16. have you had any thoughts of ending your life and/or harming yourself? >17. have you harmed yourself or attempted suicide? >18. do you experience racing thoughts? >19. how would you describe your self-esteem? High, low, etc. >20. do you feel nervous often? When do you feel nervous? All the time? In front of others? Alone? >21. how would you describe your sex drive (none, low, medium, high?) >22. do you feel fatigued? How often are you fatigued/exhausted? >23. how often do your symptoms occur? Sometimes, all the time, rarely? >24. have you gained or lost weight recently? If so, how much? >25. do you experience any body aches? Joint pain? >26. do you feel like you move or talk slowly? Have others noticed this? >27. have you experienced a sudden onset of anxiety like a panic attack? how would you describe this panic attack/sudden experience of anxiety? Does it happen in crowds, alone at home, randomly, during sleep? >28. do you ever feel hopeless? If so, how often? Or like you've let yourself or others down? >29. are you taking any medication and/or supplements? If so, which ones and how much? >30. do you consume any drugs in a recreational manner? If so, how much and how often?

  • Arden Carter

    **Quick advice and types of questions you may be asked by a professional** (If possible) Before seeing a professional, I recommend writing down any symptoms you're experiencing along with context like a brief summary. It can be hard to just write without any direction, so hopefully the questions below can help give some guidance. You don't have to write down your answers to all of these questions, although you are certainly free to do that. Keep in mind that the professional just wants to get a clear picture of your life, so that they can give you the best care possible. Their intention is NOT to interrogate you and get you to confess a crime. They want to help you get better, and in order to do that, they need to know details about your life! When you're finished, consider bringing this paper and just show it to the professional because that can take pressure off of you to perform on the spot! Here are the questions: >1. what would you like help with? >2. what are your symptoms? >3. when did your symptoms first start? >4. how long have your symptoms been going on for? >5. how severe would your symptoms on a scale of 1-10? Rate the quality of your life on a scale of 1-10. >6. how are your energy levels/motivation? High, normal, low, very low? >7. how is your appetite? Are you eating too much, too little, or a normal amount? >8. how is your sleep quality (good or bad)? How many hours of sleep per day? Do you feel well-rested? >9. have you lost interest in any hobbies or passions? >10. do you isolate yourself from others? >11. what is your school/social/work/home life like? (basically, the professionals want to know if your struggles are impacting different areas of your life and how much. For example, if you're in school and you're failing classes because you're depressed, it's important to say that you're failing classes) >12. how is your ability to focus and retain information? >13. do you think anything has contributed to the way you are feeling like the death of a loved one? >14. how are your stress levels? How stressed do you feel on a daily basis? Anything causing stress like work or school? >15. do you have a family history of depression/anxiety/anything else? >16. have you had any thoughts of ending your life and/or harming yourself? >17. have you harmed yourself or attempted suicide? >18. do you experience racing thoughts? >19. how would you describe your self-esteem? High, low, etc. >20. do you feel nervous often? When do you feel nervous? All the time? In front of others? Alone? >21. how would you describe your sex drive (none, low, medium, high?) >22. do you feel fatigued? How often are you fatigued/exhausted? >23. how often do your symptoms occur? Sometimes, all the time, rarely? >24. have you gained or lost weight recently? If so, how much? >25. do you experience any body aches? Joint pain? >26. do you feel like you move or talk slowly? Have others noticed this? >27. have you experienced a sudden onset of anxiety like a panic attack? how would you describe this panic attack/sudden experience of anxiety? Does it happen in crowds, alone at home, randomly, during sleep? >28. do you ever feel hopeless? If so, how often? Or like you've let yourself or others down? >29. are you taking any medication and/or supplements? If so, which ones and how much? >30. do you consume any drugs in a recreational manner? If so, how much and how often?

  • Lucie McCullough

    Please read all the way to the bottom before you judge. My wife and I are best friends - we latched onto each other in our early 20s and know we will always be life companions. It's such a great fit, so much understanding, mutual humor, pleasure in each others' company. We love making a home together, having friends, sharing our days and meals. We've been together 30 years and raised a couple of happy, well-balanced children. Ideal, right? Well, yes and no. It's been an "everything but sex" arrangement pretty much from the start. Not by plan. That part never came together somehow. The bedroom hasn't always been dead -- we did manage two pregnancies after all -- but almost always. Months have sometimes gone between couplings. And there isn't even all that much frustration, at least these days (more on this below). But not much interest, not much specific chemistry. It would be great if we had memories of a brief sexually frantic phase like many couples have, but nope. We were both virgins at the time of our marriage, I did experience a crisis about sex a few years into the marriage, feeling like I had missed something essential in my life. She felt sorry but powerless to help; and then I met a childhood friend who I hadn't seen for many years, learned that she'd always had a crush on me, and decided to act on it. It wasn't a moment of weakness, but a deliberate decision that I informed my wife of in advance. Didn't ask, just said I need to do this, went away for a weekend with this other woman, then went home, wondering, have I destroyed everything. Instead she welcomed me in happy tears and wanted to know if I felt better. And I did. Not only that, but we had a period after that where the bedroom was positively alive. Didn't last a long time, but damn it was nice. Since then we've both pretty much put it together that the only thing that sparks her sexual interest is the perception of competition. She can't be sexually attracted to me except when she can believe that someone else is too. While I haven't made a pattern of explicitly seeking out actual adultery, "emotional cheating" turns out to be beneficial to the marriage, provided she knows about it, or at least is encouraged to suspect it. Which I guess makes it not cheating at all, although most people would probably see it that way. She wants to know when I am in flirtations with at the workplace. She occasionally asks I would like to go to bed with, among my friends and hers. She wants to know if I had any close calls, near seductions, at work conferences and such. All of this peps up our sex life, to some extent -- no, we haven't turned into a pair of legendary lovers this way, but it kinda gets us both by. And I'm getting old enough now that my sex drive is starting to wane, and things are more equitable between us that way than they used to be. Now before you say, I need help, or she does because of her presumed self-esteem issues or whatever, I'll assert this: in the big picture, she is one of the most secure people I know, and we've come to consider ourselves one of the happier couples among our acquaintance. I don't think there is anything to fix here. But it's not like we can talk freely about our relationship with anybody. And like probably almost everybody else here, I'm posting with a throwaway account. TL;DR: Life is weird, and not everybody makes things work in the same way.

  • Jamir Hodkiewicz

    OK... Here's the thing. My husband was all about watching porn before we met. In the beginning we even watched some together. But at some point, I started to get uncomfortable with how often he watched it and just what he expected of me after watching it. Eventually I started feeling a bit resentful because the women in these videos were nothing like my body type (which has effected my self esteem which has already been compromised by upbringing, weight issues both before and after children, and now this). I brought it up with him after our first child and told him it made feel horrible about myself. (I never really did like the ejaculating on faces or things like that, it's degrading to me) But he was very against the idea, saying it was stupid for me to feel that way. I kept after him. I told him that if he really loved me, then I should be enough for him. That this was really important to me. So he agreed to stop watching. About a month or so (don't remember just how long, it was almost seven years ago) I found a passworded file on our computer that had been created recently and was edited the day before. So I tried all the passwords that my husband used to open it, but they didn't work. I asked him about it and he answered that it was taxes and that I didn't need to see it. Now, this laptop was not the laptop that he did finances on. This was his gaming and my picture editing computer. So I knew right away that he was lying. I called him out on it. It took a couple of days fighting for him to give me the password and sure enough, there were dozens of porn videos and dozens of files with pictures. The worst part was finding the videos of women in my area. I lost all trust in him for one. He lied to me. I told him how important it was to me and he lied. For another, everything I told him that bothered me about the porn was exactly what was in the files. That hurt so bad. It was so disrespectful and disgusting. I felt like I wasn't a person. That my feelings meant nothing to him. It almost ended our marriage. I'm not the type to cry, but let me tell you I felt like that's all I did for weeks. Because if he's lying about porn, then what else? He had a folder of girls from our area. Was he cheating on me? Was he not just taking his time coming home from work, but having an affair with a co worker or one of these girls? I couldn't trust him. I couldn't take his word about anything. He would even get seriously angry with me for crying, saying"it's just porn. Get over it." So I told him that if it was the other way around, he wouldn't be saying that. That if he had asked me to stop and I lied to him he would be just as upset. He told me that there was no way that would happen. So I told him to find me porn with men that were built and bigger than him. I told him to watch it and tell me how comfortable he felt about me seeing it. He indulged me and then told me I wasn't allowed to see them. Eventually, he realized just how bad he hurt me, and has worked very hard to regain my trust. But I still find myself looking for that folder of local girls on the laptops and searching his phone. Is porn really worth losing your wife's trust and even ending your marriage? Seriously, it's not just porn. It's the reasons behind her asking you to stop. If it's just a selfish want to you that you want justification to keep doing then you don't deserve to have your wife. You'll be destroying her emotional well-being. She should be your priority. Not porn. If she's crying over this and it's not raising any flags to you, then there's something wrong with you.

  • Clifton Spinka

    Depression is fucking rough. The way I see it, and I was diagnosed with major depression at one point and ADHD at another, is that it's very hard to tell what's happening to you sometimes. It's terrifying to think that things can have gotten so out of whack that it'll never get right again. It can be debilitating to even just try to imagine the path ahead, because the more you do, the harder it seems to be optimistic about it.. Over even picture a future at all. I do NOT have a handle on my mental health right now. Not in the slightest. Anger issues, low self-esteem, zilch motivation, social isolation... And I'm in the middle of transferring to a new school for the summer. Not sure the fuck I was thinking. Seems like I'm just setting myself up for the same failure I encountered my first go at college (hint, it was colossal). But no matter what is happening internally, where we see the most damage done is externally, unfortunately. When we shut down, it's not that we won't get through it, because we do eventually, but that whatever was needed of us during that time is falling to the wayside, whether we like it or not. So if those obligations are educational, social etc. the effects our bouts of depression have on us will be felt not only in our mood and mindset (and probably physical well being), but in the remains of whatever responsibilities just didn't make the cut. Some days we can only ask of ourselves to survive, or get up, or do just one fucking thing before it's dark. The rigors of school *demand* so much more. So no matter what's happening inside, if the result is you not being able to get up for class and get your things done like you want, it doesn't make much sense to ask that of yourself and so much more. My advice, and I sincerely hope you are offered other advice, is to take a break from school. There isn't anything wrong with that. It may get tricky with student loans and whatnot, but if you have your mental health 100% top priority for a while, something tells me you'd be able to find yourself a regiment that works for you. And when you've got somewhat of a handle on it (through therapy, medication etc.) you'll know what obstacles are going to come your way when you start back up, and just how to tackle them. It won't ever be EASY, but not having this burden of school over you will make things easier. You can pick up some dinky job in the meantime to stay busy and keep money coming in, and depending on how far you are into your desired program, take a class here and there at community college as a way to test the waters. No need to overwhelm yourself. When you're ready for a full schedule, pick it back up. But a change of pace could be what you need. I wish you the best of luck. Also, talk to your professor. Definitely talk to your professor. I was spiraling downward a couple semesters ago and opened up completely to my philosophy teacher, and it helped immensely. I was embarrassed and afraid and depressed and anxious... Wouldn't even enter his class if they had already started. But he turned out to be so fucking helpful. I'm sorry this advice is all over the place, here's a TL;DR talk to your professor, you'll never know how much it can help if you don't speak up. Keep talking, do NOT give up. Pick up therapy, think hard about whether or not you can handle school right now, maybe take a break and work an easy-ish job instead to stay busy.

  • Oliver Shields

    Please read all the way to the bottom before you judge. My wife and I are best friends - we latched onto each other in our early 20s and know we will always be life companions. It's such a great fit, so much understanding, mutual humor, pleasure in each others' company. We love making a home together, having friends, sharing our days and meals. We've been together 30 years and raised a couple of happy, well-balanced children. Ideal, right? Well, yes and no. It's been an "everything but sex" arrangement pretty much from the start. Not by plan. That part never came together somehow. The bedroom hasn't always been dead -- we did manage two pregnancies after all -- but almost always. Months have sometimes gone between couplings. And there isn't even all that much frustration, at least these days (more on this below). But not much interest, not much specific chemistry. It would be great if we had memories of a brief sexually frantic phase like many couples have, but nope. We were both virgins at the time of our marriage, I did experience a crisis about sex a few years into the marriage, feeling like I had missed something essential in my life. She felt sorry but powerless to help; and then I met a childhood friend who I hadn't seen for many years, learned that she'd always had a crush on me, and decided to act on it. It wasn't a moment of weakness, but a deliberate decision that I informed my wife of in advance. Didn't ask, just said I need to do this, went away for a weekend with this other woman, then went home, wondering, have I destroyed everything. Instead she welcomed me in happy tears and wanted to know if I felt better. And I did. Not only that, but we had a period after that where the bedroom was positively alive. Didn't last a long time, but damn it was nice. Since then we've both pretty much put it together that the only thing that sparks her sexual interest is the perception of competition. She can't be sexually attracted to me except when she can believe that someone else is too. While I haven't made a pattern of explicitly seeking out actual adultery, "emotional cheating" turns out to be beneficial to the marriage, provided she knows about it, or at least is encouraged to suspect it. Which I guess makes it not cheating at all, although most people would probably see it that way. She wants to know when I am in flirtations with at the workplace. She occasionally asks I would like to go to bed with, among my friends and hers. She wants to know if I had any close calls, near seductions, at work conferences and such. All of this peps up our sex life, to some extent -- no, we haven't turned into a pair of legendary lovers this way, but it kinda gets us both by. And I'm getting old enough now that my sex drive is starting to wane, and things are more equitable between us that way than they used to be. Now before you say, I need help, or she does because of her presumed self-esteem issues or whatever, I'll assert this: in the big picture, she is one of the most secure people I know, and we've come to consider ourselves one of the happier couples among our acquaintance. I don't think there is anything to fix here. But it's not like we can talk freely about our relationship with anybody. And like probably almost everybody else here, I'm posting with a throwaway account. TL;DR: Life is weird, and not everybody makes things work in the same way.

  • Berniece Leuschke

    I was 20 and she was 40. I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for an older woman and she said she really liked my picture and hoped being married wouldn't be a problem. She also had her tubes tied and preferred to not use condoms if she felt she could trust me. Me being 20 and horny obviously had no problem. So, we developed an arrangement where I'd visit her place about once a week between 10-2 (the time her husband left and the time her kids started getting back from school) and screw around for a while in her bedroom. Then she'd complain about her husband and talk about her life and we'd screw again. The sex was great. We were really sexually compatible, and she was really good in bed. I've never been with someone who exuded sensuality the way she did. The way she swayed when she walked, the way she threw her hair back. I was sleeping with a vet tech who was a former model and had done a brief stint with the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders. For a while, I was happy with this arrangement. She had to keep it secret for obvious reasons, and I decided to keep it to myself partially because I'm naturally kind of secretive, but also I wasn't sure how people would react to me being with someone married. Personally, I didn't feel guilty. And I still don't. Once she made the decision to cheat, she was going to do so. Whether or not it was with me doesn't make much different. Though I will admit, there was a part of me that felt powerful for being able to take and finish inside of another man's wife in their bed. Of course, I know better and know that I'm not any more "powerful" or manly just for sleeping with someone's spouse. But societal conditioning is hard to overcome during sex, especially when you're 20. I still sometimes indulge in the feeling, but I understand better. In the end, she started to get attached. And I was too young and stupid and in chase of an ego high/self esteem boost to notice. And even then, I still looked the other way when I did notice at first. She started talking about how "in lust" she was with me, and how she didn't care if we got caught. She speculated on what we'd look like in public as a couple. By one point, she had somewhat seriously suggested the idea of us going on a Jamaican cruise, paid for by her of course. That made me uncomfortable to say the least. The speed of it all especially. Then something terrible happened in my life that I won't go into details about but that, combined with the increasing stuffiness I was starting to feel led me to stop talking to her. I started texting her less and less, as I sunk deeper and deeper into depression over life in general. One day she texted my name, and I couldn't bring myself to respond. I just held the phone in my hand but I couldn't figure out what to type or even how to get my hand to type it. I guess I was just overwhelmed. So that was that. And that part, I regret so much. To this day, 3 years later, I still imagine how she must've felt, how the lack of closure must've felt, and I can't believe I could do that to someone. A more mature and less selfish me would've told her that I needed a break. But I didn't. So that's that. Haven't seen or heard from her since. I never blocked her number, nor her email address. I still think about her from time to time and I hope she's doing well. And I've never really expounded about this before to anyone lol

  • Anna Kozey

    * You can't fix her * Mutual friend/FP can't fix her * The two of you together can't fix her * "Stabilizing her" is temporary. And you accomplish it by becoming a part of her emotional infrastructure so she doesn't crash and burn... for now. * "I'll be walking away from this within the week for my mental health". Then walk away now because she'll still react in the same way next week. And getting re-involved will only tell her that if her crises are severe enough, she can pull you back in. Even if you resist in the future, she'll double-down on the drama before she gets the message. * Per your account, she already has someone else she's pulled back into the fetid swamp of her world. You and your friend don't need to join in and make it a drama orgy. There's a common thread I see with those of us who get involved in a pwBPD, me included. It's very much a White Knight complex; we get great emotional satisfaction out of being a solution to someone else's problems. Especially when the pwBPD paints the picture that they're all alone and have no one else to turn to. For me, I can honestly say there's an issue with self-esteem and the perceived pay-off was two-fold. 1) I felt valuable because I did some good in the world and 2) the woman I helped would love me and not leave because I'd proven that I'd be there for her. It's this White Knight complex that drives you to go back and save her from herself. The desire to help someone is a good one and it's the best part of humanity. Don't ever lose that. But you also need to distinguish between actually helping someone and trying to satisfy their unquenchable appetite for emotional devotion from others. In the case of pwBPD, its as vain as sweeping a dirt road. Don't get involved. You won't do any real good and it will only cause you more pain and emotional damage to bring to your therapist. Tell your mutual friend/FP about this sub and wish him well. I don't know what your relationship is with MF/FP. If you still want a friendship, then say you just can't be in any orbit around her life and you want to take a break from him as long as he's involved with her in any way. Seriously, even trying to be supportive to him while he unloads the bullshit on you will just give you flashbacks. If you don't want a friendship, then just say 'goodbye'.

  • Alisha Waters

    It's slightly different. Trump is thin-skinned more than anything, and has a short temper, but has a huge ego and can even convince himself he has self-esteem....until they pierce that wet kleenex for skin. Trump is more concerned about the outside inwards. He cares more about his image than his self-esteem and confidence. He cares about the outside, his depiction. Trump hates insults because it hurts his brand and outer image. Leno is the type who's constantly insecure and more sensitive than Trump. Leno takes slights personally. He has no brand or outward depiction separate from himself. You make fun of Leno you're making fun of *him*, and he knows it. But it's also because he's more of a real person than Trump; Trump is a caricature, a sick mix of perceptions he brews up, and we only know the "true Donald" through his actions. Leno is what you see is what you get. He's inoffensive as a comic but you can see he's a dick. People have those awesome, kind friends where everyone loves them, but from a distance -- but they're depressed or insecure about themselves, they can get self-loathing. Hearing good things don't help, but hearing bad things from people hurt. That's Leno. Then, there are those who never think about who they are, they only care about what people think they are, and FB/Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat feeds into that. They're insecure in that their entire self-worth is based on how other people view the lives they THINK they're living (through pictures of food, vacations, status updates, etc). They don't care if they're happy or sad, it doesn't make them any less or more insecure. But if they get 0 likes, their world is crashing down, or if someone makes a snarky remark about a picture on facebook, they're crushed. That's Donald, and it's no shock that Twitter is basically his 2nd vocal chord or 2nd brain or something that's merged into his identity. To Donald, he is not Donald Trump, a person. To Donald, he is whatever his image is, and he spends a lot of time and effort on it. He doesn't care if he's a shitty person on the inside, but he does care if enough people thinks he's a shitty person on the outside, i.e his public persona. It's why he hates Baldwin; Baldwin is "appropriating' Donald's outer self and literally personifying it. And it gets laughed at.

  • Eve Ritchie

    I think I can offer a unique perspective on this, having had a long distance relationship with someone I met online and never got to meet. Our relationship went on for 7 years, off and on. It was horrible, but it was addictive. So, so addictive. When you have a romantic relationship with someone you've never met, your mind can fill in the gaps however you want. He's unbelievably attractive, and he makes you feel wanted, right? And sexting with him is better than any real life sex you've ever had, right? That's not real. You're imagining the sex in your own mind, so of course it's perfect and fills all your needs and desires. I formed an unhealthy addiction and infatuation with my guy and told myself it was love. I don't know, maybe it really was love. If it was, I am glad to be rid of it. It hurt too much. It gave me horribly low self esteem, when previously I had been a really confident and happy person. He would reject me constantly, always giving me false hope that we would meet, then backing out and tearing my heart into pieces. He did that so, so many times. We broke up and got back together a lot, mostly when I was sick of the lifestyle. It's exactly as you described--you are constantly aware of how much time you're taking to do stuff, you turn down good opportunities at school or work in favor of spending more time with him, you spend less and less time going out with friends until eventually he's all you have left. And THAT is when it gets scary. OP, I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. I know this hurt, I know this pain. Now that it's over, I have unhealthy expectations of love and sex. I'm in therapy now, finally dealing with it. I'm married to someone else, but I still think about him almost every day. But I know the person I picture isn't real. He doesn't exist. The guy I was talking to had flaws, he was awkward, he had a facial tick that made him wince unexpectedly. But in my head, he's perfect beyond compare. My advice, like everyone else's, is to end this now, and get to know yourself again. You need to learn who you are without him. You have interests and hobbies that you'd like to pursue. Give yourself permission to do those things. Embrace your own life. Therapy is a godsend, by the way. I know it hurts to be alone, but it can't possibly be worse than this.

  • Tristin Parker

    >Validation doesn't come from sex, though. Just because there are other ways to be validated doesn't mean that validation doesn't come from sex. Even a Chad who gets plenty of sex will get a self-confidence and self-esteem boost after he bangs a 10/10 or ends a bit of a dry spell. >You're right that unattractive people are at a disadvantage, but I've never heard anyone say, "That ugly guy does animal rescue/Just saved the company tens of thousands of dollars/Is letting a local elementary school class see his antique bicycle collection as part of their field trip. What a creep!" Actually, good people do get mocked for their looks all the time even when it's entirely irrelevant. I can't find it right now, but there was a post on /r/pics where a man posted a picture of him and his dog when he was 12 and another when he was an adult, and the thread had to be locked because there were so many comments mocking his appearance and calling him ugly. It had no relevance to the post or either picture, but still they did it. And in politics, you'll see most of the insults people fling at the rival party's politicans will be about looks. It's because when it comes down to it, looks are nearly everything. Also, you gave an example of an ugly guy saving his company thousands of dollars, but chances are a truly hideous guy will never get anywhere near the top of his company. There's a reason why CEOs are on average taller than the rest of us. Attractive and tall people do far better in business, just like in every other aspect of life. http://www.gallup.com/businessjournal/16645/taller-better.aspx http://www.businessinsider.com/attractive-people-are-more-successful-2012-9?IR=T >If you want validation, then there are a million different ways to get it; you just need to find the one that's right for you. And there are no guarantees, but in general it's the case that validation leads to long-term relationships; not that long-term relationships lead to validation. Validation doesn't lead to long-term relationships. Even if I fucking saved China, no girl would ever go near me, although maybe she'd pretend to be attracted to me for the money and status.

  • Jay Streich

    Two months is like...no time at all. It's still definitively "honeymoon phase" by anyone's definition. If this this fizzled out that soon, when things were still shiny and new, then that speaks to me of a pretty serious mismatch in lifestyles, goals, and/or values. I mean, honestly, most people still look perfect two months in, and still seem like the magic key that will solve every single problem with your life. Which of course they're not, and which of course is an unrealistic perspective, but that's limerence for you. So if he's walking away that early, trust that they are not compatible (Not that she's a bad person, or that he is, but that something is wildly out of sync). Speaking of the irrational way that a new person looks like the solution to all your problems, let's talk about how you don't really have a "boyfriend's ex" problem. You have a problem, or a few problems, with yourself and what you're doing. Which is fine, and everyone has them (Even Manic Pixie Dream Ex), I promise. If there was no ex in the picture, you'd still feel bummed about some things in your life. The good news is that you can change them. You can treat your body better (Note that I'm not recommending a particular course or goal here; you just seem to not feel good in your skin and there are a lot of ways to address that). You can seek therapy for your low self-esteem. You can look into hobbies or activities that make you happy, either to do with your boyfriend or without. You seem kind of down right now, and that's a shame even as it's a perfectly normal predicament to be in. Please be kind to yourself and work on getting out of your rut and into...well, honestly, a new rut that is happier and healthier for you. I'm sure all of this seems impossibly pat and twee, but seriously, you have the power to change your life- and you should use it! There's no need for you to feel so down on yourself, really.

  • Gerardo Quitzon

    Well where do I start, first you'll make a bunch of money, convince a 10 "with said money" to marry you and have kids with you because at this point you figure you're the doctor and the wife will take care of the kids at home. About 5 years in she will decide the money isn't worth your terrible personality and the fact that she has acted like she doesn't know about the 1 or 2 nurses you fooled around with because of your "I'm an invincible doctor" mentality. Your kids will have everything because you throw money at them with this idea that they will be able to buy their way into success but ultimately they will graduate from college with no work experience and a shit idea in the value of a dollar so they will just keep mooching off you and you could care less. After a few flings with various single women and moving into pretty much being home wrecker "banging married woman and nurses" you will realize you are pretty much alone and your kids only love you for your money. With only a little self esteem functioning you will one day receive a summons to court and find you are being sued by a patient because you overlooked one little thing. Win or lose this will ultimately retire you and you will try and use your now forced free time to spend with your kids, who are still mooching off of you only 2000 miles away and could care less about you because they are in your will. You will re marry a gold digger who you know her intentions but you welcome the fake affection and sex because "hey it's kinda like the real thing". Ultimately you will one day find yourself alone again, most likely because the gold digger will divorce you and take half of whatever is left, and you will look back at this post. You will probably read all this and go "well shit, I was warned", load your rare and priceless hand gun you purchased because it was cool, expensive, and cool "again", and leave a nice pretty picture on your ceiling to sum up your shit life that began with you thinking you were invincible. That's all coming from this picture. Sorry for spelling errors and whatever have a good life.

  • Joanie Collins

    > Guys who weren't all that attractive to begin with blaming baldness for everything and guys promoting that's it's all in everyone's head. It isn't. Totally agree. I think all too often, especially on here, guys see this as one more strike against them as opposed to looking at the whole picture. It also isn't in anyone's head, sometimes it's hard to accept the reality. I know it was for me, for at least two months I would ask "I'm not really balding am I?" Kind of that denial phase. I'm not sure if it's me, but I started become far more conscious of balding men around me. Even on TV, the grocery store, at work, etc. In a weird way it actually comforted me a little bit. I found that it's so fucking common it's ridiculous. Then I started to realize some of the guys I respect